My last post, the End of Expat Chronicles poll, asked which most likely reason would mean the end this blog. At the time of this writing, only six people have voted “Career – Colin goes back to corporate or other employer who insists on sterile online persona.”

This is the most likely reason because the nature of this blog is increasingly becoming a liability on my ability to earn. It recently got me fired for the second time this year. This employer knew about the blog and tours before hiring me, but underestimated the amount of pressure he’d have to endure to employ me. That pressure ultimately proved to be too much.

I’m almost at the four year point with this site. It’s shit-or-get-off-the-pot time. I know my writing’s interesting, but I’m not sure it’s interesting enough to earn a living. Given the nature of my content negates my ability to earn a living, I’m dedicating these next 12 months to monetizing this blog. If I can’t eek out on a Latin American cost of living by then, it’ll be reassessment time.

My first angle is launching the Expat Chronicles store. I got the idea from hilarious blog 27b/6. Unfortunately, unlike 27b/6 I don’t have a massive global audience. So (a) I can’t rely on a tiny percentage of readers buying something and (b) I can’t mark my items up only a few dollars. I need almost every reader who doesn’t want to see Expat Chronicles shut down to buy something nice. With each product you buy, $10 goes to keeping Expat Chronicles in business.

I worked all week to get this store up in time for Christmas. It has some great gag gifts, plus some you may want to be seen with yourself. CafePress ships worldwide, and not too expensive outside the US. Below is a gallery of some selected products. Visit the store.

BTW – anything not in the color / form you’d like, let me know and I’ll add it.

Related posts:

1. New Comment Policy on Expat Chronicles
2. End of Expat Chronicles

Expat Chronicles Store

I’ve been thinking about how Expat Chronicles will, if ever, come to an end. I’d like to know what the readers think, so I’m having a poll. Pardon the provocative title, it’s meant for you to click through. Please vote!

These are the reasons I came up with. Feel free to write in a different outcome in the comments. I may add it into the poll.

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

FYI – I’m not enforcing the comment policy on this post.

Related posts:

1. New Comment Policy on Expat Chronicles

End of Expat Chronicles

I recently achieved a powerlifting milestone and long-time personal goal: a 400 lb squat. Check it out:

Actually, I didn’t get deep enough for that rep. It’d have been disqualified in a powerlifting competition because my hips don’t go lower than my knees. HOWEVER, I’d just gotten 405 for a deep squat easy but Mikey The Shitty Cameraman was standing right behind me and my pants were riding up my ass. A significant percentage of the screen is my ass going down and opening up, then contracting on the way up. It’s too gay to publish. I decided to go for 415 and had Mikey The Shitty Cameraman move to the side. This time he fucked up the camera and took a still shot as I was unracked the bar. I had 415 lbs on my back for at least ten seconds before he gave me the green light to start the rep. Holding that much on your back without moving is still taxing. I knew I didn’t get low enough before even seeing the video, but I got 405 clean so I was happy.

The other goal I’d hoped for was a 500 lb deadlift. After squatting, I started working up towards a deadlift PR. To my surprise, while working up on singles, I missed 445. Missed it twice actually. Just the week prior I pulled 465. Happy to get my squat PR, I threw in the towel.

Instead of continuing the quest for 500, I strategically deload every few months. Powerlifting heavy-ass weight causes deep muscle soreness. Professionals get deep tissue massages regularly. It also takes a toll on your nervous system. It’s hard going in week in week out to lift dangerously heavy weight without a break.

I’m taking a break, but not from goal-focused exercise. Since recently incorporating bodyweight exercises in my routines, I stayed at a relatively light weight for a PR, 205-210. I noticed while playing basketball that my vertical hadn’t plummeted. For most of my athletic career, I’d found strength to be inversely correlated to my vertical. The more weight I could push/pull, the more difficult it was to get above the rim. And the higher I could jump, the less weight I could move.

Here, on the other hand, I’m the strongest I’ve ever been (depending how it’s measured) yet I can get half my hand over the rim easily. The coach of the team I practice with made a comment while watching, “Estás volando, Colin.” You’re flying. One thing I’d always heard if going for a dunk is that you should be able to squat twice your bodyweight. While that 415 rep wasn’t deep enough, I figure it’s close enough for someone with legs as long as mine. (Being lanky makes all powerlifting difficult, except deadlift which is easier if you have long arms – but not if your legs are long too).

So I’m going for an athletics goal that’s evaded me all my life, to dunk a basketball on a ten-foot rim. Vertical jump is an important measure of overall athleticism. Unless you’re freakishly tall, dunking on a regulation basket will impress anybody – I don’t care who it is.

I’m not “freakishly tall,” but I’m 6’2 – 6’3 (188 cm). That’s about as tall as the shortest NBA players who dunk in games. However, Spud Webb won the 1986 NBA Dunk Contest (video) at only 5’7 (170 cm)! If he can do it, I can do it.

This is where someone says, “But you’re white.” Ever since White Men Can’t Jump was released in junior high, when I was playing basketball every day at school with the black kids, that phrase has gotten under my skin and cut deep (despite it being a great flick). It’s twisting the knife every time I’m on a court and someone says, “You can’t dunk? Really?”

The next coolest thing to do is finger roll layup then tap the backboard. No matter how cool you make that look, you’re still a white guy doing layups. STL native David Lee aside, I can’t argue until I prove that obnoxious fucking saying wrong. It’s my new goal.

Here’s the strategy.

Plyometrics

I was first introduced to plyometrics by a white guy (shorter than me) from the UMSL pickup games who could dunk. It was the strangest workout I’d ever done, but I could feel it working. It had exercises I’d never heard of like “Calf Jump Curls.” The pullup sets didn’t aim for quantity or added weight, but speed. The program wasn’t designed for vertical jump however. The guy got it from the Rams trainer for the receivers and cornerbacks, so it emphasized overall explosiveness.

After some weeks on that program, I’ll never forget what I did to a dude on the court. After blocking his shot and sending the ball back the other way, as soon as I landed I busted off in a sprint and beat his teammates to the ball, taking it down court for a layup. If that’s ever happened to you, I imagine it’s pretty demoralizing.

Being a little experienced in plyometrics, I knew these were part of the path to achieving a dunk.

Here’s my plyometrics routine, done twice a week:

Squat jumps 2 x 10
Lateral jumps on box 2 x 10 (1 each side)
Tuck jumps 3 x 10
Single leg lateral hops 2 x 10 (1 each side)
Depth jumps 2 x 10

To see animations of these exercises, see the Sports Fitness Advisor page I got them from. To see the bizarre plyometrics routine designed for football speed players, send me an email to webmaster at expat-chronicles dot com. It’s too weird and advanced to post here.

Explosive Strength

You don’t drop strength training from a vertical jump program. However, it’s a different kind of strength that’s emphasized. Some of the plyometric exercises, like High Pulls, were explosive strength exercises. The opposite of explosive strength would be what I call “brute strength,” characterized by slow, grinding reps. Most of what you see in Strongman competitions is brute strength. Most guys who train brute strength favor the bench press and deadlift.

Here’s an example of brute strength in a slow, grinding rep by my friend James pulling 475 at Eagle:

These slow, grinding reps are the meat and potatoes of strength training, but it doesn’t cover all the bases in overall power. Speed and explosiveness are important. Olympic weightlifting, featuring the Snatch and Clean and jerk, incorporate both brute strength and explosiveness.

The explosiveness exercises I’ve chosen to increase my vertical jump are the hang snatch and power clean. The hang snatch is not common at all, but it’s the closest weightlifting exercise to a jump besides actually jumping. It also focuses on upper body explosiveness.

Watch this Chinese powerlifter hang snatching:

I consider the hang snatch more similar to jumping because it doesn’t start from the floor, which actually makes it harder. You can’t hang snatch as much as you can snatch from the floor because there’s less leg drive. I imagine powerlifters training for the snatch by do hang snatches because their legs are stronger than their upper bodies.

If going for a maximum height jump, you’d go down as if starting from the floor, but not if you have a basketball in your hand.

Power clean involves all the muscles of the posterior chain, but the bar doesn’t end up above your head. Watch this amazing 440 lb power clean:

Here’s my strength training routine for increasing vertical jump, done twice a week alternating workouts.

Workout A

Hang Snatch 3 x 5
Squat 3 x 5
1-arm Pushups 3 x 5-10
L-Sits 3 x 10-20 seconds

Workout B

Power Clean 3 x 5
Deadlift 3 x 5
Handstand Pushups 3 x 5-10
Human Levers 3 x 5

I’m still squatting and deadlifting heavy because I don’t want to lose too much mass, which is probably inevitable on this workout.

Some say you start your day with the heaviest lift, others say the most emplosive. I have snatches and cleans first because I want to emphasize them. I put Hang Snatches with Squat because the former destroys the back, so I won’t want to deadlift after that. And since Power Cleans involve the legs, I thought they’d be better off on the day I’m not squatting. Handstand Pushups would be difficult after Snatching since the shoulders would be fatigued, so I put them with Cleans and Deads.

UPDATE – Every time I design a strategy, I end up tweaking it.

1. Cutting out deadlifts altogether, replacing with another day of squats. I need all the leg power I can get, and no need for brute back strength.
2. Cutting Hang Snatch and Power Clean reps from 5 to 3. 3×5 is a lot on the nervous system, plus it’s difficult to get 3×5 while increasing weight. So I’m going 3×3.

Flexibility

Plyometrics wasn’t the first time I was introduced to explosiveness training. My first time was when my college buddy Craig, a high school track star who competed at the state level for a 2000+ student high school, taught me how to sprint. One of the many things he emphasized was flexibility, especially for tall sprinters and especially the hamstrings. If you can gain an extra inch on each stride, those inches add up even in the shortest sprints.

Unfortunately flexibility was, is, and always will be my Achilles Heel, but only in the all-important hamstrings. I’m flexible everywhere but there and the adductors. Only a few times in my life have I been able to touch my toes comfortably, and now’s not one of those times. But flexibility’s important in explosiveness, so I’m doing a short routine at the end of every workout.

It’s ironic I’ve ignored flexibility training for so long, since my training philosophy focuses more on functionality than appearance. And for overall health, there are few things you could do as easily, economically, and pain-free as stretching every day for 30 minutes. Countless times I’ve had ambitions to do so, it’s just really easy to procrastinate, skip, and forget.

Powerlifters, strongmen, and even bodybuilders should know that stretching after weight training has been shown to increase gains up to 20%.

Fat Loss

Fat doesn’t move itself, so it’s just weighing down the body’s springiness. Getting as lean as possible is part of any vertical jump training program. This is fairly obvious as, while they do exist, most fat people you know can’t dunk.

This is my most challenging aspect of fitness, because 90% of fat loss is diet. As they say, “abs are built in the kitchen.” 10 years ago if I was anticipating a college spring break at the beach or a Missouri float trip, I was very disciplined. At 32, my dietary discipline’s shit. I just don’t care. If I want two pieces of pizza for an appetizer, then a bandeja paisa, and a giant chocolate bar for dessert, then by God I’m going to have it. And I eat like that A LOT. I love to eat. I love to overeat.

I still stay lean and mean through exercise. I can see my abs year-round. But I still have a layer of fat on me. I’ve only had the “ripped” look once in my life – while boxing amateur and weighing only 175.

This picture perfectly sizes up how I feel when it’s time to burn fat. But I have to do it for this goal.

For fat loss I’ll cut out all starchy carbohydrates. Unfortunately that doesn’t mean I won’t eat any because (A) I live in South America and (B) my aforementioned dietary discipline is shit. But I’ll try.

My fat loss diets mean eating paleo, which I try to do anyway. But paleo with minimum carbs, minimum cheating, fruit every morning, and salad every day.

My salads are good and cheap, and not what most gringos would think of as salad. Most gringo salads are 80-90% lettuce. I sometimes use lettuce, but never more than 20%. I get fresh broccoli, cauliflour, cucumber, red/green peppers, tomatoes, zucchini, and whatever other raw vegetables I can get a hold of. Dice everything up into tiny cubes. Add olive oil, vinegar, salt, and pepper. Serve.

Another fat loss trick I use is intermittent fasting. Intermittent fasting is when you eat / drink nothing but water for 24 hours. This is easier for me to do than refraining from junk food. I’m more likely not to eat at all than to eat only permitted foods. When you fast, your body ramps up its fat-burning hormones before it begins eating away muscle. That’s why you don’t do it more than 24 hours. It’s also important not to eat a shitty meal at the end of the 24 hours. All the strength and conditioning coaches I read recommend intermittent fasting up to twice a week. Not only does it burn fat, it saves money!

Here’s my weekly routine while fasting twice a week:

Monday – Workout A
Tuesday – Plyometrics
Wednesday – Rest
Thursday – Workout B
Friday – Plyometrics
Saturday – Basketball, dunk attempts if I can’t get a game, sprints if I can’t get a court
Sunday – Rest

I hope to dunk by the end of January with this program. I’m very interested in feedback from people experienced in vertical jump training. Also, Jump Manual is the internet authority on vertical jump training. Unfortunately the program costs over $60, and I don’t think it’ll make or break my success. Still, if you have Jump Manual holler. Much appreciated.

New Athletics Goal: DUNK!

Alternate Title: My Ugly American Rant Part 2

My first Ugly American Rant focused on America’s influence via its public sector. Our dominating influence comes less from government and more from industry. Don’t think so? Put your money where your mouth is and see if you can live without us.

I’d been working on this idea for years but never published it. Then I came across this passage in Lebanese author Nassim Nicholas Taleb‘s Black Swan (highly recommended book, spawned black swan theory):

Whenever you hear a snotty (and frustrated) European middlebrow presenting his stereotypes about Americans, he will often describe them as “uncultured,” “unintellectual,” and “poor in math” because, unlike his peers, Americans are not into equation drills and the constructions middlebrows call “high culture” – like knowledge of Goethe’s inspirational (and central) trip o Italy, or familiarity with the Delft school of painting. Yet the person making these statements is likely to be addicted to his iPod, wear blue jeans, and use Microsoft Word to jot down his “cultural” statements on his PC, with some Google searches here and there interrupting his composition. Well, it so happens that America is currently far, far more creative than these nations of museumgoers and equation solvers. It is also far more tolerant of bottom-up tinkering and undirected trial and error. And globalization has allowed the United States to specialize in the creative aspect of things, the production of concepts and ideas, that is, the scalable part of the products, and, increasingly, by exporting jobs, separate the less scalable components and assign them to those happy to be paid by the hour.

Taleb published Black Swan in 2007, beating me by four years dammit.

But the point still stands. What would you dear anti-Americanists do without the fruits of our labor? What would your life be like? Give it a shot.

I’m not going to make it so difficult that you can’t listen to the music genres of rock and roll, hip hop, jazz, or blues. The Brits have thoroughly beaten us at our own game of rock and roll; you can listen to them. But no American artists – which would be especially difficult if you’re a fan of hip hop.

I’m the last person to argue for Hollywood movies. I watch less than one movie a month, and if sitting down before 90% of the shit at your local cinema I’d turn it off within 20 minutes. Unfortunately most of you love Transformers and Avatar and Titanic and that shit. You’re going to have to get some culture by watching foreign films and documentaries. And for television you’re going to have to get by on soccer, British news and comedy, and your local productions including culturally and language-adjusted clones of American shows like Yo me llamo (Colombia’s American Idol). ¡Qué pena no se permite Los Simpson!

Entertainment’s not what’s going to trip you up. I shouldn’t have started there. I should’ve scored the first round knockout with technology. That’s right, no Google. No Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, or Yahoo. You have to change your email address if it’s Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo, or AOL. Hardware will be a little easier, but no Apple (I bet 1,000,000 pesos most anti-American snobs have Macs and iPhones), Microsoft, Dell, HP. You can’t use products from any of the Silicon Valley companies that have made the most impact in the last century on how we live our lives today.

You can still have internet and computers. But you’ll have to use a Toshiba or Acer. And your operating system won’t be Windows. You gotta use Linux on your Toshiba. That’s not so bad actually, Linux is the world’s best operating system. But you know your lazy ass don’t want to learn how to use it!

Once you’ve installed Linux on your Acer, and learned how to use it, you’re going to need a browser for the web. Unfortunately that browser won’t be Firefox, Internet Explorer, Chrome, or Safari. It’ll be Opera. To search the web,  you can’t use Google, Yahoo, or Bing. Baidu is the most popular search engine after those three. Do a search on that piece of shit for “expat chronicles” – nothing! I don’t know what you’re going to use. I don’t know what social networking site you’re going to use either, but I know it won’t be Facebook, Twitter, Google +, LinkedIn, Orkut, MySpace, hi5, Flickr, Bebo, or CouchSurfing. I don’t know what’s left. May be easier to drop social networking.

If you’re web savvy enough to be social bookmarking, you can’t use Digg, Delicious, or reddit. Fortunately you’ll have a worthy substitute in Canadian-born StumbleUpon, which should please the most fervent anti-Americans I’ve ever met (CANADIANS!). If you have a website, you can’t publish it with content management systems WordPress or Blogger. But you can use Japanese-owned (although American-authored) Movable Type or the Belgian Drupal (ironically the CMS for whitehouse.gov). It should be refreshing to learn that, although recently acquired by Microsoft, Skype was invented by genius Swedish innovator Niklas Zennström.

You’ve realized you can’t boycott America. The country dominates the internet. It’s so one-sided, why don’t you do me a favor and let me know when somebody outside the United States develops some internet shit that matters.

I won’t claim all denim jeans for the boycott. Only American brands aren’t allowed, which you’d probably be better dressed without. But for me, I’d have to replace most of my wardrobe and even get a new style if I weren’t allowed Levi’s, Nike, or Converse (best powerlifter shoes).

As in denim, I won’t claim cheeseburgers and french fries. But you sure as hell can’t eat at McDonald’s or drink Coca-Cola. I don’t consume either, but don’t front because you know there’s a McDonald’s in your town. And it’s profitable. Your countrymen are lining up to pay for that shit more than it’s worth. I can’t even think of a non-American restaurant with presences all over the world. Can you?

You’ve already quit trying. I know. It’s OK. But here’s some more food for thought.

In a 2011 study on the world’s most valuable brands, those highest recognized, 9 of the top 10 were all American brands. You may talk a big game about the end of the United States, but when you vote with your dollar you choose American products again and again and again. The top 10 from the Brandz study:

1. Apple
2. Google
3. IBM
4. McDonald’s
5. Microsoft
6. Coca-Cola
7. AT&T
8. Marlboro
9. China Mobile
10. General Electric

Many people think China’s taking over the world. They’ve certainly come up, but they’re largely a one-trick pony. They make cheap shit. Boycotting China would be the next most difficult country to boycott, but it wouldn’t be difficult. If you live in a developed country, you’d just have to look at the labels for the stuff you buy at WalMart or whichever store sells cheap shit and, instead of buying the one Made in China, buy the one made in the Southeast Asian country. If you live an a developing country, you just buy the locally-made cheap shit.

Not until China can move past making cheap shit and being the world’s factory floor will they be influencing the world as much as the States. Their big brands like Baidu and that Chinese FB knockoff are only big because (A) their own market’s so big and (B) they face little competition from America and Europe because of (1) the language and (2) willingness to comply with Chinese censorship and other Communist Party of China government bullshit.

They don’t have to develop anything. They just copy what the West puts out and either (A) do it cheaper or (B) translate it to Mandarin. I know many telecommunications professionals in Bogota who complain about Chinese company Huawei. They do zero R&D, but after Nokia or Siemens or whoever develop a new technology like 4G equipment, Huawei duplicates the technology and undercuts price. Chinese industry doesn’t lead, it follows.

I only heard about that Chinese Facebook site because a friend in China sent me a screenshot of this thread. I couldn’t have made that up, HILARIOUS! (the comment in English)

I will give China props for taking more gold medals in the last Olympics, although they were the home team and they didn’t get the most total medals. I also must award props if I wrote three paragraphs on them.

Disagreeing comments welcome as always. But if you’re gonna cry “poor research” then you better back it up with substance and a link to a credible source.

Related posts:

1. Peruvian Naturals Maca on Taobao in China
2. English Language Industry in Latin America
3. Contributed Story: Revolution in China?
4. Business Scam in Guilin, China
5. Final Thoughts on China

The Boycott America Challenge

In 1823, 5th president of the United States James Monroe outlined the Monroe Doctrine, which “stated that further efforts by European countries to colonize land or interfere with states in the Americas would be viewed as acts of aggression requiring U.S. intervention … The doctrine put forward that the New World and the Old World were to remain distinctly separate spheres of influence, for they were composed of entirely separate and independent nations.”

In 1823 the US drew this line in the sand. Most countries didn’t care because the US was a young country with no power. But later the Monroe Doctrine would shape regional history.

The countries of Latin America were just gaining their independence, so revolutionary leaders including Simon Bolivar and Francisco de Paula Santander embraced Monroe Doctrine with open arms as a key endorsement of their legitimacy.

From Monroe’s speech:

We owe it, therefore, to candor and to the amicable relations existing between the United States and those powers to declare that we should consider any attempt on their part to extend their system to any portion of this hemisphere as dangerous to our peace and safety. With the existing colonies or dependencies of any European power we have not interfered and shall not interfere. But with the Governments who have declared their independence and maintain it, and whose independence we have, on great consideration and on just principles, acknowledged, we could not view any interposition for the purpose of oppressing them, or controlling in any other manner their destiny, by any European power in any other light than as the manifestation of an unfriendly disposition toward the United States.

In 1861 France, Spain, and England sent forces into Mexico because the country had suspended debt payments due to bankruptcy. Spain and England quickly left, but France stayed to bring down the government and instill a monarchy.  The United States was in the heart of its civil war. But as soon as the Civil War ended, President Andrew Johnson sent 50,000 American troops to the Mexican border. “In 1866, the US demanded the French withdraw their forces from Mexico, moved soldiers to positions along the Rio Grande, and set up a naval blockade to prevent French reinforcements from landing” (American perspective). The Mexicans retook their capital and executed the French-appointed emperor. There’s a comment or two on My Ugly American Rant implying that Mexico’s independence from France is partly due to American help. I’m not going to argue either way.

Towards the end of the 19th century, American politicians cited the Monroe Doctrine in arguing for war against Spain to liberate Cuba and Puerto Rico. In the ensuing Spanish-American War, the Americans thumped the Spaniards and gained the respect of the world as a military power (plus Cuba, Puerto Rico, Guam, and the Philippines). In my American history classes, I remember the Spanish-American War for (1) the use of “yellow journalism” to incite public outrage and (2) Teddy Roosevelt’s Rough Riders storming San Juan Hill.

Theodore Roosevelt, one of the most interesting US presidents in history, would later take the Monroe Doctrine in a new direction. In response to the Venezuela Crisis of 1902-1903, in which England, Germany, and Italy blockaded the South American country over its refusal to pay its debts, Roosevelt added to Monroe Doctrine the Roosevelt Corollary.

This cartoon is actually misleading as to what the Roosevelt Corollary meant. The cartoon depicts Spain (or any European power) trying to muscle in on the Dominican Republic to pay its debt, and Roosevelt not having it. But that’s what the Monroe Doctrine was about before the Roosevelt Corollary.

Roosevelt aimed to preempt having to deal with the Europeans. His amendment to the Monroe Doctrine allowed the US to intervene in mismanaged or incompetent Latin American countries to prevent Europe from coming over in the first place. So this was the first time public policy officially justified intervening in Latin American countries without a European presence being necessary.

This is an astonishingly insulting argument now. But even today many Latin American governments are still corrupt, inefficient, and incompetent. Back then they ran the risk of losing independence for it and Teddy didn’t want to see that.

A recent biography on Teddy Roosevelt discloses his idea for a Japanese Monroe Doctrine for Asia.

Just a few decades later the Roosevelt Corollary was effectively repealed by Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s Good Neighbor Policy. In FDR’s own words:

The American republics to the south of us have been ready always to cooperate with the United States on a basis of equality and mutual respect, but before we inaugurated the good-neighbor policy there was among them resentment and fear because certain administrations in Washington had slighted their national pride and their sovereign rights.

In pursuance of the good-neighbor policy, and because in my younger days I had learned many lessons in the hard school of experience, I stated that the United States was opposed definitely to armed intervention.

 Read his whole speech.

FDR’s Good Neighbor policy of non-intervention ended with the Cold War. The US conducted covert and non-covert operations in attempts to defeat Soviet-backed or organic socialist movements. The ugliest of these were Iran-Contra and the Guatemala coup.

Recent analysis of Monroe Doctrine isn’t wholly negative. Some criticize the US for moving away from Monroe Doctrine, implying the US doesn’t care about Latin America since the War on Terror and economic emergence of China. Hence the title Forgotten Continent in Michael Reid’s book.

The future of US influence in the region is best summed up by selections from this 2009 The New Republic (the best liberal pub) article, Adios, Monroe Doctrine:

The ouster of Honduran President Manuel Zelaya has provided Latin America with a revelatory moment. Beginning with the Monroe Doctrine–and extending through countless invasions, occupations, and covert operations–Washington has considered the region its backyard. So where was this superpower these past few months, as Honduras hung in the balance? More or less sitting on its hands … For the first time in centuries, the United States doesn’t seem to care much what happens in Latin America.

It has grown increasingly difficult for certain regimes to blame Washington for their failures. From Venezuela to Argentina to Bolivia, populist governments have pursued economic and social policies, as well as geopolitical alliances, that can scarcely help their people. When these policies inevitably fail, these governments won’t be able to replicate the rhetorical trickery of the Cubans or the Sandinistas. They cannot hold Washington responsible for their setbacks. At best, they can argue that the peasants in the Andes are still hungry because of the presence of U.S. troops in Afghanistan, but that is not an easy sell.

This U.S. stance is also a positive development for symbolic reasons. Too much is made about the imperative for U.S. atonement or humility; they are both overrated. Nonetheless, the United States does carry baggage in the region, and the history of its engagement with Latin America is not a proud one. Breaking with that past, at least by not repeating it, is a good idea and wins points in most quarters of the hemisphere.

While the region has reason to cheer this turn in U.S. policy, it simply can’t afford for the United States to disappear. On matters such as immigration, free trade, and the battle against corruption, almost nothing can be done without U.S. cooperation or leadership.

Economic development in Mexico, the Caribbean, and Central America is hardly conceivable, let alone possible, without a significant U.S. contribution, both monetary and conceptual. Building up infrastructure, stabilizing currencies, and establishing effective and transparent antitrust institutions are tasks that countries cannot carry out alone, given their integration with the U.S. economy.

Many of the region’s traditionally anti-interventionist nations–Mexico, Brazil, Argentina–are coming to understand the need to anchor Latin America’s democracy in a strong, intrusive, and detailed legal framework, the same way that free-trade agreements, as well as World Bank and IMF programs, have solidified economic policies that are finally yielding results. The United States must be part of this framework, to coax these countries along and to bestow credibility upon whatever is built.

The end of the era of intervention should be hailed by the region. Washington’s less intrusive presence will broaden the leeway certain governments have and force others to assume their responsibilities. But world events do not seem likely to permit an indefinite U.S. disengagement from the region, nor would that be desirable.

Related posts:

1. Plan Colombia: An Overview
2. My Ugly American Rant
3. Guatemala and United Fruit: US Policy Blunder
4. FARC, Guerrillas, and Paramilitaries in Colombia
5. We’re Not All Americans, You Dumb Asses

Monroe Doctrine: An Overview

Alternate Title: Monroe Doctrine was Good for Latin America

Alternate Title: The Case for American Influence

I’m an ugly American, maybe the ugliest you know. I meet all the stereotypes international snobs complain about. And I don’t care.

One complaint about me that keeps coming up is how I’m ruining the image of Americans or foreigners here in Colombia. I couldn’t give a fuck less. I’ve lost exactly zero minutes of sleep thinking about what my landlord or neighbors or clients or any other Colombian thinks of Americans. I’m serving them a compliment by being here (ugly American!). I visited Europe and China with that same attitude. I’ll be as loud and opinionated as I want. If someone has a dim view of Americans then they’re ill-informed, uneducated, hypocrites, posers, phony, and/or full of shit.

One thing anti-American types take offense to is American foreign policy. Yes we’ve fucked up here and there (Guatemala coup or William Walker), but generally their gripes are cliche and inconsistent. That’s why their ideas get eaten for breakfast on the world stage among people that matter.

The most intense criticism of American policy concerns Iraq. I’m not going to argue Iraq here. But still, where are the “anti-imperialists” and their condemnation of American intervention in Libya. Gaddafi didn’t kill anywhere near the number of people Saddam Hussein did. Where’s the backlash? Even with the “international coalition” his regime lasted seven months. Without gringo intervention Gaddafi would’ve put the resistance down ten times over. He had a steel grip on that country. Anti-Americans’ silence on Libya is deafening. Look at the Wikipedia article on protests against Libya intervention. The picture from Minneapolis has like 20 protesters. I threw bigger parties at my apartment in Arequipa!

So somebody will point out it’s an international coalition. Do you know what “international coalition” means? It means the other developed countries of the world support an American intervention. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re going to help. Last June exiting Defense Secretary Robert Gates blasted European nations for not carrying their weight. Select quotes from his speech:

There will be dwindling appetite and patience in the U.S. … to expend increasingly precious funds on behalf of nations that are apparently unwilling … to be serious and capable partners in their own defense.

On Libya:

The mightiest military alliance in history is only 11 weeks into an operation against a poorly armed regime in a sparsely populated country, yet many allies are beginning to run short of munitions, requiring the U.S., once more, to make up the difference.

Gates worked alongside European leaders for a long time before dropping this. I’ll translate his politically shrewd language to ugly American English:

You people can’t defend yourselves. So as The Rock says, “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!” If you can’t back it up your opinion’s worth as much as Venezuela’s. That’s why your opinion didn’t matter in Iraq.

And to the non-American extranjeros in Colombia, let’s talk about the improved security situation in Colombia. Do you think you’d be here if it weren’t for American funding via Plan Colombia? While ex-president Alvaro Uribe (one of George W. Bush’s top 3 allies along with Tony Blair and John Howard) will go down as the man who restored security, his predecessor Andres Pastrana deserves some of the credit for creating a strategic alliance with the US.

Andres Pastrana gave the FARC a “demilitarized zone”, a safe haven the size of Switzerland. The FARC regrouped and launched bigger offensives. That move is universally seen as a huge fuck up and Pastrana the weakest on security for generations. People say he was lobbying to win a Nobel Peace prize. HOWEVER, at the same time he was playing nice with the guerrillas Pastrana laid the groundwork with the United States for Plan Colombia.

It’s hard to zero in on an exact number, but Plan Colombia has, to date, amounted to the neighborhood of $7 billion over ten years. So while Uribe was definitely the right guy to manage that money, he couldn’t have implemented his mano firme, corazon grande policy without ‘Plan Colombia’ (read ‘US dollars’). Uribe built up the military to hold all the towns and force the guerrillas into the jungle. Building the military took money so Pastrana deserves some credit for jumping into bed with the gringos.

There are lots of nationalist, anti-American Colombians in Bogota. Read the writing on the walls. It’s ironic because they know how it was 10 – 20 years ago. If you had money you didn’t leave the city. No Villa de Leyva, no Girardot, no nothing. The country roads were getting blockaded by guerrillas or for-profit kidnappers. Contrast that with the last few years, in which “the only risk is wanting to stay.”

So to the Colombians and extranjeros in Colombia, on behalf of the United States of America, you’re welcome!

The anti-Americanism in Colombia is palpable. I think it’s resentment that they couldn’t get things under control without us. But that resentment’s not only in Colombia. Anti-Americanism in the region brought to power leaders like Hugo Chavez, Evo Morales, and Rafael Correa, plus Fidel Castro and Daniel Ortega before them. What really pisses off proud South Americans is the Monroe Doctrine, in which America officially declared it’d be the primary influence in this hemisphere.

Being such an ugly American, I proudly argue my country’s positive impact across the region. Let’s look at the two most extreme cases of Latin American countries rejecting vs. accepting American influence (excluding US territory Puerto Rico or the complex relationship with Mexico). These countries are Panama and Chile as those accepting US influence and Cuba and Venezuela as those rejecting.

Panama

The Panama Canal, an engineering wonder of the world, has a fascinating history. America’s proposal to build the canal forced the issue of Panama separating from Colombia (which Panamanians had wanted for years).  In exchange for building it, America got control. The US gave control back in 1999, but for almost 100 years the Panama Canal was controlled by the US. That’s 100 years of gringos in country, a HUGE diplomatic operation, and gringos teaching efficiency in Panama. After the handover, the Panamanians improved many performance indicators of the canal. Think they’d have done that if the gringos had never been there?

Today, Panama’s official currency is the US dollar (along with the Balboa which seems a sovereign afterthought). It’s a financial mecca for international companies, and known as a safe and sophisticated place among Latin Americans. Panama enjoys a coveted image in Latin America: safe, stable, and relatively prosperous.

Chile

Argentina was the economic darling of the early 20th century. I’ve read that per capita GDP exceeded that of America’s for a time in the 1920′s. Since then Argentina has consistently elected economically incompetent leaders, starting with Peron and unfortunately continuing today.

Eager to take their place as the continent’s shining light was Chile under right-wing dictator Pinochet. Human rights violator and freedom oppressor? Probably. But did he do anything right? Definitely. Pinochet brought in the Chicago Boys to form his economic ministry.

The Chicago Boys were a group of Chilean students handpicked and sent to the University of Chicago, America’s most prestigious econ school, to study under Milton Friedman, America’s top economist of the century. So these Chileans studied American-style, free-market economics and then returned to Chile to implement capitalist reforms.

What’s happened in just three decades? The Miracle of Chile. Chile’s image is what Argentina’s was. Santiago, the capital, is a technology and big business hub. Crime rates are similar to Panama and Costa Rica. In 2010 Chile suffered the strongest earthquake on record to hit a major city. Yet due to strong infrastructure and efficiency it’s largely recovered while Haiti will be devastated for decades from a weaker earthquake. But it wasn’t until the 2010 mining disaster that Chile truly gained the respect of the world by rescuing all 33 miners trapped in a copper mine cave-in, changing global perceptions about Latin American inefficiency and incompetence.

Cuba

What to say about Cuba? They survived most of their existence on USSR financial aid, and now Venezuelan petrodollars. They’re good at some things like making cigars, educating doctors, and training boxers. On the other hand, Cuban citizenry regularly tear their houses down to build rafts and face shark-infested waters in hopes of reaching US soil for political asylum (remember Elian?). Not so many Cuban-Americans do the same to go back. And on Cuba’s strong sports of boxing and baseball, most of those athletes defect when given the chance.

A gringo who visited Cuba said it’s the closest thing he’d seen of humanity devolved 100 years. Carts pulled by oxen was an image that stuck. Another Spanish speaking gringo who visited complained it was expensive. I asked what he was talking about because it’s supposedly poor as shit. He said most of it is, so poor in fact that you’d be an asshole if you drink with the common people. It’s just too poor. A gringo wouldn’t feel comfortable drinking outside the overpriced tourist districts.

Would you move to Cuba permanently? Or would you prefer Panama or Chile?

Venezuela

I don’t even know where to start here. I’ve religiously followed America’s top regional nemesis Hugo Chavez for over four years now. I haven’t been able to pull the trigger on “My Hugo Chavez Rant” because I only want to write about him once. And I can’t do a definitive piece because the news keeps getting more shocking and head-shaking every year.

From the worthlessness of the currency (you can’t sell Venezuelan Bolivares anywhere in the region so it’s literally worthless), the crime rate, the absence of foreign investment, their incompetence and uncompetitiveness in their only industry (oil), the shortages and rotting food, the “robolución” and government gangsters, there’s just too much work to write up. Following Hugo Chavez news is almost sadistic. I feel bad, like the people of Detroit want you to feel for looking at ruin porn.

Hugo Chavez went public with prostate cancer a few months ago. Shaved head for chemotherapy, he’s spending a lot of time with top Cuban doctors. He’s got a tough election next year, which he’ll probably win if he can stay healthy. Then again, a tough election can take its toll on a man’s health. What will be next for Venezuela? I have no idea. But with all that oil it’d take a long time for them to fall as low as Cuba.

Note: Both Cuba and Venezuela were producing and bringing money in before their respective socialist takeovers (Havana was a party town and Venezuela has oil). But the uneven distribution of income and gross inequality (the Spanish legacy) swept these leaders to power. So don’t blame America, blame the Spanish!

Despite this brief experiment, someone with less than a basic education in economics is going to leave a dependency theory comment about America robbing, raping, and bullying these countries and that’s why they’re poor.  So I’ll preempt that by explaining that NO SERIOUS ECONOMISTS are dependency theorists anymore. This is 2011. The dependency theory leaders include Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro, and look how well they’ve done by reversing and keeping at bay gringo influence.

Moving past Latin America, look at all regions of the world. The countries allied with America are consistently better off in their region, especially compared with the enemies and “rogue nations.”

Educated and intellectually honest Colombians don’t disagree. I’ve had Colombians say in so many words, “We need the US.” It’s the peasant mentality that resents our influence. Ill-informed, uneducated peasants can look at the world without history or context and think, “No fair, gringos go home!” The enlightened leaders who will turn Colombia into a developed country reject the peasant mentality. As in your own life, when somebody has achieved what you hope to achieve, how do you treat him or her? I try to get on their team, to pick their brain, to get some of what they got. That’s why the intelligent, productive Latin Americans vote to team up with America while uninformed peasants elect Hugo Chavez.

I’m done. I’ve never dug the traditional patriotic songs, but this one always gets my pride stoked. Released just in the wake of 9/11 (OSAMA YOU’RE DEAD BITCH!), this is dedicated to American military around the world – US military in Colombia, get at me, I want to hear from you! – Petey Pablo’s “Raise Up (USA Remix)”:

Related posts:

1. American Expats’ Tax Liability in the US
2. Recession: An American Experience
3. My Rice Rant
4. Why I’m Bullish on Colombia
5. Guatemala and United Fruit: US Policy Blunder

My Ugly American Rant

Alternate Title: No Free Speech on Expat Chronicles

Alternate Title: Comment Policy Won’t Be Enforced on this Post

I got mad haters. I got more haters than some people have friends. Of course there are people who don’t agree with my lifestyle or the things I say. Most just move on and do their own thing. Some leave disagreeing comments and move on.

But not all move on. Some become dedicated haters. They put in work. They spend considerable time and energy hating me. They hang on every word I write not just here, but also my Twitter, LinkedIn, FB, my business websites, etc. In fact, they’re my biggest fans in the original sense of the word, fanatic.

I’m not complaining about having haters. As Oscar Wilde said, “There’s only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” Plus, it comes with the territory of having a blog and being a public figure. If you can’t take the heat get ya ass out the kitchen.

Who are my haters? They’re all anonymous. I believe they’re other gringos in Colombia. They troll forums making alliances and talking shit to each other. Their favorite target is either me or Colombia Reports managing editor, Adriaan Alsema. When I first learned of these haters I asked Adriaan about it. He said not to worry because “nobody reads that shit.”

Adriaan added that everything the haters say is very “acidy” (correct English would be “acidic” haha). Their language and tone is amazing. I don’t know how somebody can talk like that while hiding behind anonymity and a keyboard, and then believe they’re looking at a man in the mirror. The behavior’s so bitch it’s mutually exclusive with manhood.

I read each and every comment left here but these are so vile it’s difficult to read. And if I am telling people their writing is offensive, given ME and MY CONTENT, that’s pretty bad

The haters really got their panties up in a bunch over my article on Food Tourism in Bogota. I’m going to show tourists the best food in the country. The haters couldn’t handle the image of this big buff American eating right, charming upper income gringos, and getting paid well. They left a barrage of negative comments. In less than two days I deleted almost 20 comments that didn’t comply with my comment policy. Here was my explanation:

I deleted a few comments here that didn’t comply with my comment policy. For comments to be kosher on Expat Chronicles:

1) Real name
2) Real email address
3) Show respect

* Also read about comments that concern my businesses and advertisers (under “Links and Spam”).

Every comment deleted violated every rule, not just one. To be sure it doesn’t get deleted because of the name / email address, use the ones linked with your FB profile. And of course be nice. Notice which negative comments made the cut.

That inspired the haters to question my belief in free speech. Their argument bears no merit whatsoever because this is not the only communication medium. This is MY communication medium. I clearly state WHAT speech is not allowed in my comment policy. I clearly state WHY I don’t allow that speech in the article announcing the comment policy. So the haters can say whatever they want ON THIS SITE if it doesn’t violate those rules. And they can say whatever else they want to say wherever the fuck else they want.

Daniel from Portugal left this comment that precisely sums up why I started the comment policy:

Just for a moment I thought I was on the wrong website…

This is not youtube guys – it really hurts my eyes going through all this ****ing comments.
Gotta join Esteban – this is a blog and a good one – not a waste bin for people hiding behind there keyboards…

Nobody got to agree to above discribed conditions of the tour. Dont like it? Dont do it. Critize it – ok. I also did. But put in some constructive critic, doesn`t hurt anybody.

So what’s the problem? The haters struck a patriotic nerve in bringing up free speech. I AM PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN. I’ll soon write about the United States of America as one of the most remarkable nations in the history of man (even though I choose not to live there). But the secret to its success lies in the genius of the Founding Fathers. Those men designed the framework for historic success in a nation. One element in its design was freedom of speech. America wasn’t the first to have it, but it was a radical idea at the time. Many backwards societies still don’t have it.

I obviously enjoy freedom of speech. I publish some TRIFLIN’ content. NO government in the world would approve. But because I’m a citizen of the United States government living in Colombia, and those two countries both guarantee freedom of speech, I write my triflin’ content legally and free of government persecution.

In my patriotic spirit, I want to celebrate the American ideal of free speech. I’m going to re-publish all the haters’ deleted comments from the last two days below. So everybody can see what was said. ON TOP OF THAT, I’m not going to enforce my comment policy on this article (this article only). You can use whatever silly nickname you think is clever. You can use a fake email address. You can disrespect others while hiding behind anonymity. Whatever you want. When future articles get you worked up, come back to this article to vent. No free speech issues; the comment policy will never be enforced on this post. This is dedicated to you, dear hater. Permalink:  http://www.expat-chronicles.com/2011/09/dedicated-to-my-haters/

Longtime reader and Colombian-American Alex defended me. He mixed it up with them for a while, and to be honest one reason I’m republishing the deleted comments is because I don’t want his time to have been wasted. The haters waste their time on the reg, but Alex needs his time to save up a ton of US dollars for when he finally comes down here.

Here they are, the vile and virtually unreadable deleted comments from the last two days, in honor of THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA:

Sir Randolph Flint

Are you serious? $250 a day for some fucking food? It’s dirtbags like you who give Colombian travel a bad name. It wouldn’t cost you that much to eat high-end Colombian pussy… Not that numbnuts like you ever get any.

Rubio

You are a real piece of work, Colin.
First the brothel tour now this 500,000 shit… LOL
Who’s the moron who will give you that kind of money?
Why don’t you make us a favor and go home to find yourself a real job?
And while you’re at that, take with you your dipshit best buddy Adriaan.
Now let us see how long it takes to delete this comment and then come back to talk about freedom of expression…

Note: this comment was not left by the gringo in Colombia known as “Rubio,” who is a friend of mine. This guy’s posing as Rubio.

Dan

Not only do visitors to Colombia have to worry about getting scammed by Colombians but they have to be on the lookout for other expat hassles……the monthly min. rate in Colombia is about 515mil and this Colin guy wants 500mil to take you to a few restaurants when you could go to a barrio like Bosa hire a hot maid for a MONTH(yep 30 days) for the same amount of money,she would cook your meals ,clean the apartment,pick up some Spanish from her and she would be a lot more pleasing to look at than this guy.

I’ve already seen you deleting comments off this thread from guys that weren’t sucking your ass so way to go Mr. advocate of free speech.

Bill

This must be joke or this Colin guy is suffering from some form of mental illness and should be avoided at all costs,this is another warning sign that this guy is not playing with a full deck………..500mil for a couple restaurants is bonkers,half the fun in traveling is finding restaurants and bars on your own.

I notice most comments are positive here and I believe that is because you delete the negative ones……is that correct?

Andy

Hey guys!…you really can’t be surprised of a spineless worm hiding behind free speech when it suits him and deleting comments when he doesn’t agree,that is typical behavior from fast talking scammers and hustlers.

Sir Randolf Flint [sic]

“I pride myself on eating well.”
Nah,I bet the only thing you take pride in is how far Adriaan can stick his nose up your hairy ass. Reading & speaking espanol is a big part of the Bogota experience,you dumb tub of shit. Why don’t you try working for a living,you gutless piece of trash?

Esteban

Just in case anyone was wondering I am 100 % gay and live most of my life in Colin’s colon hole but when he farts I come out to write something as senseless and ill informed as my last statement.

Alex

Cyber pussies!
2X felon?
Slander for 2
Who titles themself Sir?

Alex suck my balls!!!

“In 1997 I was convicted of ’2nd degree burglary’ and ‘Stealing over $150′ – two felonies in the state of Missouri. ”

http://colinblog.wordpress.com/2009/05/25/going-back-to-aa/

WHERE IS THE SLANDER ASSHOLE?
YOUR A STUPID PRICK,DO YOU ALWAYS TALK WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT?

Dan The man

“No one can fault him for deleting shit ” well lets see,here’s a guy that was bent over a desk at the DAS spread open ass cheek to ass cheek crying about free speech but now he’s deleting comments,it seems like he’s full of crap who will use any trick to get out of something…….

Alex

Touche, great muckraking…this guy seems to have so much time to go back and retrieve info from a blog to prove me wrong, great cut and paste. This is probably the “SIR” faggot Elton Jon…youre expending energy on talking shit on a blog dickhead, what a loser.

Look at the date, ’97, 14 years ago, not to defend Colin, but people change…$150? What a hardened criminal, perhaps we should throw him in jail tonight to generate revenue, overcrowd our jails some more and help out the economy.

Dickface-can you retrieve the part where he tells us what he stole so we can go tit for tat with this and flood this blog even more with useles bullshit like yours.

@Dan, shut the fuck up already. If someone spray painted “DUMBSHIT” on your garage you’d paint over it Im assuming. This is “his” blog, he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Freedom of Speech? Its a BLOG, not a townhall forum in Bismarck where you’re probably from.

He’s in another country where Journalists dont have their cushy American speech protection. when a govt agency like DAS says cool it, what choice do you have if you want to continue staying in the country. But im sure youd go into some kind of offshore submarine off San Andres and continue to write your blog for the sake of sticking it to the man.

Colin did you plant your drunk friends from St Louis to do this to generate some controversey or are these guidos from the Jersey shore done working out and stu\ill hyped from their aerobics class.

Alex suck my balls!!!

Hey dummy Alex you claimed it was slander now you’re trying to deflect your stupidity by saying it was 14 yrs ago,again idiot since you never answered the question where is the slander for 2 that you were going on about?The comment was 2 time ex-felon there was nothing about hardened criminal but since numb nuts deleted the comments your allowed to make up shit and put misquotes in your retarded response.

Your theory about this being his blog is just dumb when there is a feature under it where you can reply and comment on it,if it was just a blog there would be no place to leave a comment ,fuck are you ever stupid……he wants comments on it but only comments that make him look good.

Alex suck my balls!!!!

Alex comes on here rambling about internet pussies and 2 times slander shit but when he’s proven 100% wrong instead of being a man and admitting he made a mistake he spews garbage out of his ass to deflect his stupidity,classic.

There are obviously mentally unstable on this site like Alex who seems to be close friends with Colin so beware when using your fb accounts or it’s possible that you will have a nut like Alex showing up at your house……

Alex

Yay, cyber battles, you actually put two back to back. Finger painting is fun! You’re probably some faggot thats never left the country…do you think we can meet up at a starbucks and sit at separate sides and continue to cyber bully each other..me with my latte and you with your cum shot…youve probably never known anyone thats gone to jail, its something that you watch on your senasational E network, Lindsay Lohan must be a real bad ass to you.

You are SO RIGHT! Is that what your mommy never told you. Is that what you need to hear, were you not held enough? Whew, now Im a “man”, thank you, I was worried about that, now that the tribe has spoken I can move forward with my life.

“Alex, suck my balls”..what are you some 4th grade reject..next your gonna tell me your dad can beat up mine

Dan The Man

“If someone spray painted “DUMBSHIT” on your garage you’d paint over it Im assuming. This is “his” blog, he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Freedom of Speech? Its a BLOG, not a townhall forum in Bismarck where you’re probably from.”

Wow your dumb,comparing illegal vandalism to comments on a blog and what realm of reality are you living in Alex?…..if Colin doesn’t want comments I’m sure he can make his blogs closed for discussion,good thing Alex lives in a country where there’s safety nets in place to help people with forms of retardation, if a company hires a retard the government kicks in half their wages so lucky for Alex because now he can be a productive member of society cleaning up stinky sweaty sports equipment with his little green spray bottle.

Alex

Hey “Dan the Man”..how clever.

Dan…this is a blog, I dont think Colin is at the stage yet where he is swinging votes.. take your first amendment pesuedo intellectual bullshit to your country club youth group and go make a difference somewhere if youre so concerned about it here. I can see it now, front page of the New Yorker, “Dan the Man fighting for freedom of speech on private blogs”..get a fucking life man. How the fuck did we even get here, Colins trying to make some cash like the next man, Who the fuck cares, leave an opinion that doesnt personally attack and move on..for all you know Colin is some 12 year old wriitng from his dads basement.

SO ATTENTION TO “DAN THE FAG” AND ALEX SUCK MY BALLS..WE CAN GO BACK AND FORTH ALL YEAR LONG BUT PERHAPS WE SHOULD EXCHANGE PERSONAL E MAILS AND NOT MAKE THIS OUR SHOW. Oh thats right, maybe we shouldnt cuz I might show up at your house and give you a noogie. I got to get back to cleaning stinky sweaty sports equipment while as i respond to you from my chrome plated android phone on deuce deuces.

Dan the Man

“amendment pesuedo intellectual bullshit to your country club youth group ”
Again Alex has it all fucked up,seriously whats it like going through life being a total screw-up ……Colin along with his buddy Adrian of Colombian reports were the ones that were complaining about amendment free speech in Colombia and how DAS was intimidating them but meanwhile behind the scenes they both go around deleting comments they don’t agree with,Alex wake the fuck up.

‘Colins trying to make some cash like the next man, Who the fuck cares”

I am going to do a blog on this someday as to why it’s a bad thing for expats to just come to Colombia shitting in the face of immigration,working under the table,setting up illegal businesses without the proper documents,etc.but this type of not give a fuck attitude has an effect on every expat that wants to do things legally,I will get into it on another day.
I can be reached at ……danthemanherenow@hotmail.com

Please start that blog! I’d be surprised if you’re averaging one visit a day after a year. I’ll even link to you if you do it. It’ll be a good learning experience for you regardless.

Related posts:

1. New Comment Policy on Expat Chronicles

Dedicated to My Haters

Talking about music the other day, my roommate said: “You listen to a lot of old music.” It made me feel weird. I never thought about it that way, I do listen to a lot of old music.

It’s popular to say you listen to “many different” or “all” kinds of music. Most are full of shit. Someone might say they listen to “many” kinds of music because they listen to rap and alternative rock, plus classic rock and even techno and then reggae on top of that.

My standard for diverse taste in music requires listening to (A) music in different languages AND (B) music across generations.

Here are some of my faves from my grandparents’ generation.

Bessie Smith – St. Louis Blues

This song didn’t make the list just because it’s from my hometown and inspired the naming of our hockey team. It’s a sad song, for sad times. The singer despairs over her philandering husband. It’s been covered by many of the jazz greats over the decades, including Duke Ellington and Louis Armstrong.

Billie Holiday – Stormy Weather

Lady Day was probably the best female American vocalist of the last 100 years. She was also a hard partier who never slowed down until she was dead. But she left behind some of the greatest jazz songs with vocals of all time.

Check out Strange Fruit, which is about blacks killed by lynching. The song stands as a top cultural artifact of that phenomenon in American history.

Robert Johnson – Stop Breaking Down

Robert Johnson is the godfather of blues. Blues preceded rock and roll. So when you hear people say black people invented rock and roll, of course they’re talking about Chuck Berry but they’re primarily talking about southern blues. So if you dig rock, recognize and pay tribute to its grandfather.

Duke Ellington – Mood Indigo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GohBkHaHap8

I started listening to jazz on public radio station KUVO when I lived in Denver, CO. I have trouble relaxing, so jazz is great for that and pleasant background music. The more I got into jazz, the more I started following the 20th century greats. Duke Ellington is among them and was also known as a great gentleman. I have over 100 of his songs in my iTunes, this one my favorite.

Miles Davis – Blue in Green

Miles Davis is the most popular jazz artist. He’s proved the most timeless (if that makes sense).

Edith Piaf – Autumn Leaves

I just discovered Edith Piaf in the last couple years. A gringa friend gave me a bunch of new music around Christmas 2008. I was playing it on random one night when an Edith Piaf song came on. Her voice was so beautiful I immediately dropped everything I was doing to find all her other songs, and even Google the French singer to read about her life and career. She’s unrivaled in mastery of the voice.

This song’s my favorite because it’s in English, but most are in French. There’s a scene in Saving Private Ryan where the American GI’s are occupying a destroyed French town and they come upon an old Edith Piaf record. They all listen and admire her talent.

My gringa friend was turned on to Piaf after seeing the 2007 biopic, La Vie en Rose. The French woman who played Piaf won an Academy Award for her performance. Another English track by Piaf, very rare, is I Shouldn’t Care.

Lotte Lenya – Alabama Song

Lotte Lenya, another vocal master, is from Austria. You’d know her as the creepy little old woman in James Bond flick From Russia with Love (Sean Connery days).

The version in my iTunes is much different than the embedded video but it’s not embedded. It sounds even stranger because she does it all at a super high tone, I prefer it.

Frank Sinatra – If You Are But a Dream

Frank Sinatra’s more than played out. But he wasn’t cool because of New York, New York. He was cool because of beauties like this one.

Django Reinhardt – Belleville

Frenchman Django Reinhardt mastered the jazz guitar. When most people think of jazz, they think of horns. But jazz bands can have anything they want. They’ll bust out the flute, clarinet, harmonica, and of course stringed instruments.

Renato Carosone – Tu Vuò Fa’ L’Americano

Renato Carosone played the Napolese style of Italian folk music. I don’t believe he’s singing in Italian here but Napolese, but I’m not sure about that. This song’s about WWII era Italians who acted like Americans (whiskey and soda and rock and roll).

I found this through the irresistible-on-the-dance-floor techno track that sampled it, We No Speak Americano.

Carmen Miranda – South American Way

The biggest Brazilian star of her generation, Carmen Miranda sings this in English. I don’t know how Brazilian this song is but I like it.

The Moonglows – Sincerely

Doo-wop, gotta love it. I found this on the GoodFellas soundtrack.

Jerry Vale – Pretend You Don’t See Her

Jerry Vale, excellent singing and songwriting. Also from the GoodFellas soundtrack.

Bobby Darin – Mack the Knife

This is my old man’s favorite song of all time. Bobby Darin led an amazing life, which inspired biopic Beyond the Sea starring Kevin Spacey.

Peggy Lee – Fever

Peggy Lee was the first to do this song, which has been covered several times. More recently by Cristina Aguilera, but the best was by Ella Fitzgerald.

Nina Simone – Sinnerman

Nina Simone recorded all the way into the 70s, so not so old. But her style was and her influence on your favorite Soul and R&B artists immense. Half of her catalog is about civil rights and racial equality, which I’m all for but many of her songs are too intense. This is my favorite, but other must-listens are Feeling Good and I Put a Spell on You.

I once saw a color, full-nude photo of Nina Simone. She was sexy despite a completely untouched bush. Don’t know if the pic was real.

Johnny Cash – Ring of Fire

OK so Johnny Cash isn’t that old but I’m not familiar with the country music from before this time. I’m from Missouri and have generally not liked rural rednecks or their music for most of my life. But you gotta dig Johnny Cash. Amazing performer. Check out his lesser known hit from the 90s, Hurt.

Dolly Parton – Puppy Love

Dolly Parton blew up in that same scene, 60s country and bluegrass. This is her first hit as a child sensation in 1959. I found this all but forgotten track while listening to St. Louis independent radio station KDHX.

If anybody has recommendations from country music and bluegrass genres from the 1920s – 1950s, leave them in the comments. MUCH APPRECIATED!

Junior Kimbrough – Meet Me in the City

This is actually from the 90s but it’s the kind of music people hear and say I listen to old music. Fat Possum Records discovered, signed, and recorded all these old black bluesmen from one of the poorest, countriest areas in the South: the Mississippi Delta. Some of these guys lived their entire lives with jobs like “Fisherman.” Junior Kimbrough was a John Deere salesman. Some Fat Possum bluesmen never knew they’d gain national notoriety, dying broke and unknown. Their music’s addictive, the kind of stuff that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up.

And you gotta love lyrics like these:

“You bett’ not let me catch you fuckin’ up. I’ma beat yo’ ass.”

That’s T Model Ford in “I’m Insane” off the album Pee Wee Get My Gun

R.L. Burnside is probably the best known for Fat Possum.

Squirrel Nut Zippers – Low Down Man

Another band inspired by old music and also makes people say I listen to old music. This is my favorite but more characteristic of their big band style is Prince Nez.

Related posts:

1. Canciones para hacer amor

Listen to Old Music

Some Latin women act decente, proper. They won’t kiss on the first date despite saying they like you and blowing up your phone or FB or whatever. Others will dance with you all night but not kiss. I’ve had girls dancing close and touching for six or seven songs straight and refuse the kiss. That’s when I employ the technique described below.

It occurred to me to write this tactic up because I did it with three different girls over two weekends at 100% success rate. This kind of thing was definitely in my bag of tricks back in the States, but you don’t have to do this with gringa women. They’re more upfront, they know what they want. They don’t try to act as proper as Latin women.

Two things to keep in mind: (1) I only use this if we’ve already been dancing for several songs, or we’ve been holding hands under the table, or some other situation where it’s clear she likes me but is trying to act proper; (2) Latin men are very aggressive. If you’re in the States you don’t even have to visit to know that. So the women’s defenses are much higher, which calls for more aggression to break them.

1.  Wrap her up.

This is different than hugging her tight because your arms need to be outside her arms. You’re wrapping her up so she can’t move. Pull her up close so your bodies are touching all the way from chest to knees.

She probably has a good idea what you’re going to do, so I never take the next step right away. I pause for a few moments for her to realize she can’t move. Also give a moment for her to relax a bit. Since nothing happened as soon as she got wrapped up, maybe you just want to hold her tight while dancing.

2.  Grab a handful of her hair.

I get a proper handful and you have to get the hair at the roots. Do it like me so at least five knuckles are pressed against her skull and the roots are getting pulled just to maintain the handful.

3.  Point her lips at yours and put your tongue in her mouth.

Pull her head back so she’s looking up and do it. If you’ve wrapped her up properly and have a handful of her hair, she can’t resist. Sometimes you might have to pry her lips open with your mouth, but they usually give in after just a second. Now you’re sucking face. Congratulations.

Related posts:

1. Latest Dating and Basketball in AQP, Peru

How To Break Proper-Actin’ Latinas

Alternate Title: Sex Playlist

I’ve received positive feedback on my music posts so I’m going to be writing more. If you find just one track you dig, putting this together was worth it. If you have suggestions leave the title, artist, and maybe YouTube link in a comment.

I take extra steps to set the mood for making love. My apartment has a fireplace, so in addition to my candles I have a big roaring fire in the background so it’s warm naked. I get vanilla smells going, I light candles, maybe spark a little cripy beforehand, and I play these sexy songs from my iTunes. It’s also important to turn on loud music if you have roommates or slim walls. The music provides cover for the girl to loosen up and holler out as well as the sounds of the bed creaking and bodies slapping. Enjoy.

Hooverphonic – 2 Wicky

Queens of the Stone Age – Little Sister (Contradictator Remix)

Queens of the Stone Age is probably my favorite rock band from the last ten years.

Funkadelic – I’ll Stay

Santigold – My Superman

Definitely keep an eye on this super-experimental artist, Santigold. Check out my favorite by her, Shove It (Switch Remix).

Chris Isaak – Wicked Game

Adina Howard – Freak Like Me

Cam’ron – What Means The World To You

Do Or Die – Lil’ Sum Sum

Representing the city of my birth and best of the midwest CHICAGO.

Ludacris – Splash Waterfalls

He’s been in the game a long time, but I still think Ludacris is underrated as an artist because of all the whack top 40 hits he puts out. This track sounds profane but if you listen to the words you get excited, and it’s an intelligent exercise in contrasts in each bar. Yes I play this while making love because AIN’T NO SHAME IN MY GAME.

Missy Elliott ft. Nas, Eve, Q-Tip – Hot Boyz Remix

Mos Def – The Easy Spell

Mos Def is the best of hip hop in the last ten years, and this album especially because of how he incorporated guitars in over half the songs. The radio track was Ghetto Rock.

Tony Toni Tone – Feels Good

This is a little fast but how can you deny the lyrics? Also a throwback to the rollerskating days for Americans who grew up in the 90s!!! You like that era? Check out Ain’t No Future in Yo Frontin’ by MC Breed, a native of Detroit where half of my family’s from.

Truth Hurts ft. Rakim – Addictive

STL stand up! Produced by Dr. Dre. If you like this check out The Truth ft. R Kelly.

Tweet – Call Me

Girls singing about cheating’s always hot. Like Tweet? Check out her anthem to masturbating, Oh My feat Fabolous.

Dawn Penn – You Don’t Love Me

Johnny Osbourne – Nightfall

If you like heavy dub reggae you have to get Linval Thompson’s Can’t Stop Us Now compilation of remixes.

Heart – Magic Man

Led Zepellin – Whole Lotta Love

The Rolling Stones – Miss You

Also sexy by the Rolling Stones is Gimme Shelter, but it’s a little played out to embed.

Aaliyah – Hot Like Fire Remix

Bootsy Collins – I’d Rather Be With You

Those of my generation would know the N.W.A. cover sang by Eazy-E. But it’s vulgar.

D’Angelo – Brown Sugar

Ginuwine – Tell Me Do You Wanna

This entire album, Ginuwine’s The Bachelor, is a sex album. Also the album that put Timbaland on the map as a producer. Timbaland did two tracks on this list (Hot Like Fire Remix above).

Marvin Gaye – Sexual Healing

Of course Marvelous Marvin.

Montell Jordan ft. Master P & Silk the Shocker – Let’s Ride

TLC – Creep 

Women singing about cheating make sexy as hell songs. This was an instant classic.

Related posts:

1. My Juanes Post
2. Se busca: Colombiana para casarse
3. Reggaeton Roundup 2011

Canciones para hacer amor

I recently spent a month in St. Louis, so I always publish a story or two about the homeland. This time I got the deal to do the Eagle Gym website. I train at Eagle when I’m in St. Louis, and it’s not just a gym. It’s a family, a following, and an artifact of American culture.

Weightlifting in Latin America aside, I don’t write much about a subject that’s been a huge part of my life for over a decade. I wrote Weightlifting in Latin America to make fun of how Colombians train, and I stand by it. But many Americans train like wimps too.

I recently read about the pussiest gym I’ve ever heard of, Planet Fitness in the United States. They don’t allow deadlifting, grunting, and they don’t have standard barbells. They give out pizza and candy. They want to create an environment that doesn’t intimidate new gym goers or the otherwise un-hardcore. Planet Fitness is not alone. 24 Hour Fitness and most big corporate operations cater to women and casual gym goers. They’re more health club than gym.

If that appeals to you at all, then Eagle is NOT for you. Eagle’s hardcore. People grunt. People scream. People get seriously injured. One guy got a staph infection after cutting off a callus (developed from years of heavy deadlifting). Eagle doesn’t have whack equipment like elliptical machines or treadmills. You don’t have to carry a towel. They don’t play techno. There are almost no women. Most guys have 300 lb benches under their belts. Eagle holds regular strongman and powerlifting events. On any given day you go, it could be Deadlift Wednesday when ~10 guys work on their deadlift.

One of the days I went last summer a bunch of guys were push pressing. I hadn’t push pressed in about a year, but I jumped in with them anyway to see where I was at. Here’s me push pressing 225 lbs. (Push Press is an Overhead Press plus leg drive). The Olympic Jerk is when you split your legs to get lower. In an Eagle strongman event one guy tried that style for the Log Press and dislocated his knee under 300 lbs. I don’t do that.

That means I can Gorilla Press Slam your ass (see Ultimate Warrior finishers).

I missed 245 on the next set, but it’s respectable given how long it’d been since I practiced. The other guys went up to 305. Guys at Eagle take video of their PRs (personal record) and other feats. They share them on FB and talk shit. It’s a bona fide community.

Eagle recently held a push-pull competition at their 30 year anniversary. Here’s the push winner benching 500 lbs.

Since I was in town last Eagle started offering boxing classes. The teacher’s retired pro and a friend, Mike Wood. He’s a born again Christian I interviewed in Conversations with Christians. See his boxing page on the Eagle site.

Eagle Gym website
Eagle on Facebook
Eagle equipment in pictures

There’s also an Eagle Gym tattoo. I’m one of many who have it. It’s on the right:

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One night in STL I was drinking with some guys, but only one trained at Eagle. He mentioned the anniversary party. They would be barbecuing, drinking beer, and there was a push-pull competition. Somebody at the table laughed at how silly that sounded, how he’d never go drinking with a bunch of meathead rednecks and lift weights. I noted the stark contrast between that guy and me. I wouldn’t have missed that party for anything if I were in STL. My buddy was certainly there.

But I know it’s not for everybody. To help those understand us, I highly recommend watching Bigger, Faster, Stronger. It’s a documentary on steroids, but the byline is “The Side Effects of Being American,” and it really touches on something in the American male psyche. Many of us who grew up watching Arnold, Rocky, Rambo, WWF, and the rest of Team America kicking ass and taking names. This gave some of us complexes, a psychological need to be the toughest guy in a room. I have it. Sin duda. 

Trailer:

The growing up in America created the physical culture, but so did living in St. Louis. It’s a high crime city and it is NOT cool to be white in many parts. I waited tables downtown for years, and bartended on Delmar. Muggings are common in these areas. I learned the best defense is a strong offense. I tried to be someone the thieves would rather pass up for somebody weaker. I passed some shady niggaz in STL, but I never got mugged. This is how I live my lifestyle in Bogota as well.

One reason Latinos train like wimps is because the Spanish web is very undeveloped. Good information simply isn’t out there. So I recently had the idea to publish a strength training blog, pesasyfuerza.wordpress.com. I only wrote one article, Hacer Sentadillas, and realized I don’t write in Spanish like I do in English. And I’m not passionate enough about training to maintain an industry-dominating blog. But the plan was to sell personal training sessions. If anybody here in Bogota wants to get big and strong, drop me a line. Only 40,000 pesos / hour, 3 days a week. After a month you won’t need me anymore because you’ll know the program. I’ve packed muscle on other guys with my program before.

Once guys get brawny they never want to go back. People will treat you differently. Not just girls, guys too. I hear stories from others I can’t believe or imagine someone doing to me. Bartending on Delmar, many other servers were scrawny hipster types. They’d tell me how customers would disrespect them or act in some unacceptable why, and I’d always be shocked because that stuff never happens to me.

How I train always evolves. Here’s my current workout (48 hour rests between alternating workouts):

Workout A

Squat 3×5
Handstand Pushups 3 sets
1-arm Chinups 3 sets
L-sits 3 sets

Workout B

Deadlift 3×5
1-arm Pushups 3 sets
Pistol Squats 3 sets
1-arm 1-leg planks 3 sets

For squat and deadlift I go up in weight every day. So if I do 3 x 5 x 315 on Monday, I’ll throw 2.5s on each side (320) on Friday. I go up until I fail to get 3×5. I try again and again until I get it.

Lately I’m obviously focusing on bodyweight exercises. I used to think you could never get very big and strong doing bodyweight. In 2002 I timed how many pushups I could do in a minute – 83. That’s a lot and I was fit, but I wasn’t powerful at 6’3 175 lbs. I never tried to do more difficult bodyweight exercises, only pushups and pullups.

If I finish either of the above workouts in less than 45 minutes, I’ll do whatever I feel like I can work more: pushup variations, chinup variations, dips, human levers, etc.

Anybody who doesn’t think you can get big and powerful with bodyweight exercises should check out Hannibal on YouTube.

I read a few strength and conditioning blogs. StrongLifts is by far the most applicable to beginners and intermediate athletes. Until you can squat 150% of your bodyweight for 5 sets of 5, do StrongLifts. It’s what I put trainees on. Jason Ferruggia has become my favorite. He’s just the best. He trains professional athletes in all major sports. But reading him is for passionate athletes. I’m starting to pay attention to Travis Stoetzel, and I like how he publishes a lot of impressive videos (check out Death by Barbell). Finally, I can’t actually do a strict rep for every bodyweight exercise I listed. For the ones I can’t do one of, I’m starting progression variations. You can find those progression tutorials on Beast Skills.

Music is important to the vast majority of guys I know who are into powerlifting or strongman. The intensity is so high you need something to pick you up. Last summer I squatted 385 lbs for 3 sets of 3. When I put that much weight on my back my face turns beet-red and veins pop out of my forehead.

At that level of intensity your nervous system becomes just as important as the muscles. Your nervous system takes longer to recover. Your body will try to talk you out of picking up that much weight. So music helps get us there mentally. 99% of workout music is metal or rap. Here are my heavy-ass-weight-training pics:

Metal

Coal Chamber – Big Truck
Pantera – Walk
Marilyn Manson – Beautiful People
White Zombie – Thunder Kiss ‘65
Rage Against The Machine – Guerilla Radio
Disturbed – Down with the Sickness
Ram Jam – Black Betty

Rap

Rick Ross – B.M.F.
2Pac – Can’t C Me
Mos Def – Life is Real
DMX – Who We Be
Common – The Corner
Black Rob – Whoa
Pharoahe Monch – Simon Says

Very honorable mention for Overdose by Twista. Twista’s entire Adrenaline Rush album is good for training, as the name would imply, but it’s not on YouTube. Also Mystikal’s underground anthems.

Also used for intensity at Eagle – only for very intense sets – is Nose Tork or smelling salts. Take a big snort and you’re ready to pick up 500 lbs.

Related posts:

1. Weightlifting in Latin America

Eagle Gym in St. Louis, MO

Two friends from St. Louis are devout Christians. I’ve interviewed them both here. Some questions definitely wouldn’t be considered “softball.”

Craig Leonard

Craig was my best friend in college. We both pledged a social fraternity together at UMSL. We came from similar social backgrounds (criminals and drug dealers), and we both joined the fraternity to get away from that. We were good friends from the start. We both got really involved in the fraternity. We did all the party publicity. We were two face figures for the organization, known around campus and in the gym. We were two of the primary fraternity athletes in campus intramurals and inter-fraternity competition. In 2002 I was elected president of the fraternity, and Craig was largely my right-hand man. In 2003 he was elected president. People mix us up all the time. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if I came around that old scene and people called me “Craig” and him “Colin.”

After graduating our lives went in different directions. I spent a couple years in Corporate America living with my college sweetheart, who I almost married. When our relationship broke down I went back to bartending in St. Louis, and slowly drifted back to hanging out with criminal types and drugs. Craig married his college sweetheart, and one day turned his life over to Jesus Christ. I’ve watched his faith grow over the years. He’s now nothing less than devout. He has two daughters with his wife, and they’re a happy family. Here’s the interview:

ME: Was there one moment or event that caused you to turn to God and Jesus Christ? What was it?

CRAIG: I believe that every Christian should be able to point to a single moment when they realized their need for salvation and submitted their life over to Christ. Acknowledging Christ as Lord and Savior first requires a humble and contrite spirit that brings a person to the point that they are willing to admit that they have fallen short of God’s standard for their life, will repent of their sins, and accept the free gift of salvation that was provided by Jesus’ sacrificial death on the cross.

My personal conversion was one that is hard to put into words that someone who has not experienced it could fully understand. The Holy Spirit works on the “lost” in a variety of ways in order to soften their hearts to the point where they are ready to accept God and run into his loving arms. What works for one person is different than what will work for others. Some need to be scared straight, others need to experience a level of hopelessness that drives them to seek God, while still others will need something entirely different.

It was a certain level of fear, along with my pondering the purposelessness of life, that brought me to my knees in a hotel room in Chicago, IL. It was June of 2006 and the current events were a little unsettling at the time. The turmoil in the middle east was at a boiling point as Hamas and Israel were waging war against one another and there was constant talk of the U.S. invading Iran. The constant reports of those being killed, along with the threat of many more, made me start thinking, “What if that were me? What would happen if I were to die by a rogue terrorist bombing, in a fluke plane crash, or in some other unexpected incident? Where would I spend eternity? Is there a way to really know that I can go to heaven?”

This series of events in my life led me to a feeling of mild depression that lasted on and off for a few weeks, but I would always come back to the idea of eternity, and having an intense desire to know if there was more to life than just the brief amount of time allotted to man on earth. Like I said, the Holy Spirit works on people in a variety of ways and, at this point, He had softened my heart to the point that I was ready to hear the Good News that is the Gospel of Christ.

After a long day at work I was sitting in my hotel room flipping through the channels on the television. I happened to come across a preacher that was giving a message about finding hope and purpose in this life – and of the assurance of eternal life in heaven with God. This preacher explained that all have sinned and are undeserving of anything but judgement, but that God, in his love for us, sent his son to live the perfect life that we could never live and willingly give his life as the just punishment for all of the sins of mankind.

This proclamation of God’s love for me was enough to bring me to tears and fall to my knees in prayer. I didn’t know much about prayer at the time, but I essentially told God that I was broken and ready to accept him and live life his way and not mine. I professed my sincere sorrow for all of the sinful and downright evil things I had done and asked for His forgiveness. This was the moment that I turned my life over to God and accepted Jesus Christ and my personal Lord and Savior.

ME: You were a star athlete in high school. You had lots of girls. You were always a “cool” guy, an alpha male type. Do you think it’s important to have guys like you out front and visible to bring in similar guys? Why or why not?

CRAIG: People are certainly more receptive to others who they are comfortable with. I think that former athletes would have an easier time developing friendships with those from similar backgrounds. As to the importance of having a certain type of person in a church for the purpose of “recruitment”, I am not sure that it necessarily applies. After all, it was a 70 year old preacher that brought me into God’s family.

When it comes to secular organizations I feel that having traits similar to those you are hoping to recruit is much more important than it is in a church setting. The reason is that, in most instances, people are not going to accept Christ because they have a lot in common with a believer. While that can certainly help open the door to conversing about spiritual matters, as I stated in my opening to the first question, accepting Christ is a decision that is between a person and God – not between one person to another like you would find in secular organizations like a fraternity or sorority. In secular organizations people require a belief in another person. Christianity only requires a belief in (and dependence upon) Jesus Christ.

There are committed believers that come from every walk of life and every Christian should have little problem connecting with other believers who share a similar background. For instance, in my Sunday School class of around 20 men, we have a few avid bodybuilders, a NCAA football national champion and several other college athletes. We also have several men who would be considered to be anything but athletic that I have developed meaningful relationships with.

ME: Are there less “cool guys” in religion? What would you say to guys like us who may have a “too cool for school” attitude?

CRAIG: ”Cool” is a very subjective word that carries a different meaning to different people. I happen to consider many of my Christian friends to be “cool”. They may not carry a chip on their shoulder, use foul language, drink excessively, have multiple sex partners, or any other action that is commonly portrayed as being cool in our society, but they are real, honest, caring, and live with an uncompromising set of values and sense of purpose. That to me is very cool.

ME: What do you think of the saying, “If you’re scared, go to church”?

CRAIG: Going to church is not a cure for fear. Fear is an emotion that God certainly uses to make people realize their need for Him, but church itself is not necessarily a cure for fear. A deeply rooted faith in God is the only true cure of fear that I know. When you are acutely aware of God’s involvement in your life, and assured of your eternal destiny, fear takes a back seat to trust.

If someone is fearful of their eternal destiny, and needs counseling on beginning their relationship with the Lord, most churches would be a great place to start.

ME: What does your church do for community service and tackling social problems? How can people get involved?

CRAIG:There are literally dozens of programs that are run at my church with about 800 members to reach out to our community and help those in need. I couldn’t list them all, but here are several of them:

Feed My Starving Children - Church members donate money that is used to purchase dry foods such as rice and cereal. The members of my church then spend two full days bagging the food into meal rations to be sent to Haiti to help feed its children that are in need of food. I believe close to $10,000 was donated this year which led to something like 50,000 meals being provided to needy children in Haiti.

Homeless Outreach - We have a group of men and women who travel to downtown St. Louis every Saturday night to offer food, prayer and companionship to the city’s homeless.

Food Pantry Help - Dozens of our members regularly volunteer to work at local soup kitchens to help feed those in need and provide a place of warmth and shelter during the winter months.

Rehabilitation Programs and Support Groups - Our church offers support groups for people that are recovering from lives damaged by abortion, divorce, alcoholism, homosexuality and rape, to name a few. The purpose of these groups is to provide hope and encouragement for those who need it.

Mexico Housing Project - A team of church members use funds (donated by church members) to purchase materials and then travel to Mexico to build homes for families who do not have a home to live in. This project has also extended into the building of new churches in Mexico as well.

These are just a few of the many social outreach programs that are conducted at my church. It is easy to get involved. We have a weekly bulletin that is announced in our Sunday School classes each week and a monthly newsletter is mailed to church members as well. I believe their is a calendar of events on our website as well.

ME: There have been many gay, pedophile Catholic priests in the news. And in To Catch a Predator many offenders are pastors or otherwise active in their churches. Ted Haggard of megachurch New Life in Colorado Springs was outed as having a gay prostitute in Denver. Do you think religion gets a bad rap for sexual deviance? Is it higher among Christianity than the general population?

CRAIG:I haven’t seen any statistics on this, but I am hard pressed to believe that homosexual deviance is more rampant within the Christian community than the general population. It is one of those things where a Christian committing acts such as these are big news, whereas the typical gay American gets little or no recognition for these kinds of actions.

It really is a shame that sexual deviance is such a prominent theme in religion today. Regardless of how prominent it is, or whether or not Christians get a bad rap for sexual deviance, we are Christ’s ambassadors to a watching world and it pains me deeply to know that people are going to judge Christianity on the actions of a small percentage of so-called Christians who are not acting consistently with what Christ taught or the Bible teaches.

While authentic Christians are a powerful witness of the love and goodness of God to the unsaved, acts such as those committed by Ted Haggard undoubtedly dampers others’ perceptions of what authentic Christianity truly is.

ME: How is your life different now as a born again Christian?

CRAIG:I could honestly write an entire book around this question. Those who genuinely put their faith in Christ will experience nothing less than a total transformation. The Apostle Paul explains the change a person experiences after they are born again in 2 Corinthians:

2 Corinthians 5:17: “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!”

This is a perfect description of what I have experienced. My outlook on life, my view of others, how I make decisions, the way I treat my wife, how I use my money – all of these things have been changed from the working of God’s Spirit in my life. In fact, I cannot think of a single area in my life that has not been impacted after my conversion.

The most notable way that my life has been impacted is the relationship that I now have with the Living God. The idea of having a relationship with God seems abstract to unbelievers, I know because that would have sounded like nonsense to me before my 2006 conversion. There is nothing more exciting than when I apply God’s Word to my life and see how it immediately impacts my life and the lives of those around me. There have been countless times when I have asked God for clarity and direction and received an answer. It is extremely humbling to know that the God who created the universe would answer my pleas for help or guidance.

This relationship continues to grow and develop as I understand the character and nature of God more and more each day. This relationship is what Christianity is all about, but a relationship can only be possible when both parties take action. God has displayed his love for us by dying for the perfect forgiveness of our sins and is eagerly waiting for us to accept that gift and enter into a relationship with him.

While my post-conversion life is different in so many ways, my relationship with God, which is the basis of every Christian’s walk, is the most notable difference in my life and is what any person who accepts the Lord’s gift of salvation can also expect to experience.

ME: If you could promise just one thing to my readers, one way their life would be better with Jesus Christ, what would that one thing be?

CRAIG:A new life in which you will no longer be a slave to your own desires, but will continually be transformed more and more into the likeness of Jesus Christ.

ME: What does your church do for community service and tackling social problems? How can people get involved?

Craig works as a full-time engineer but his passion is bodybuilding. Check out his website, www.rippedout.com.

Mike Wood

Mike Wood was a top pro at North County Boxing Club, where I used to train. He fought at light heavyweight with considerable success. He made a lot of money and achieved fame. I wasn’t as close to him as Craig, but Mike and I did go out drinking a few times. He came to a few frat parties. He definitely partied.

On top of that, by anyone’s definition Mike Wood was a bad mother****er. A fighter coming out of North County St. Louis, he had a tough demeanor. I recently spent a month in St. Louis, and when back home I train at Eagle Gym in Overland. Recently Eagle has a deal with Mike, now retired, to teach personalized boxing lessons. Before I ran into him, I’d heard he was born again and “straight as an arrow.” When I saw him, that tough demeanor was gone. He was nothing but friendly, open, smiling, and honest. A new man. Here’s his testimony:

ME: Was there one moment or event that caused you to turn to God and Jesus Christ? What was it?

MIKE: I realized I needed God in my life when my daughter was on the way. I got her mom pregnant when we were 19 and weren’t married or even together anymore. So I found a church and started praying to God that that she would be perfectly healthy and that I would be able to provide for her. I have been blessed SO much with her I adore everything about her and she’s what makes me strive to be a better person.

ME: You were a professional athlete. You had lots of girls. You were always a “cool” guy, an alpha male type. Do you think it’s important to have guys like you out front and visible to bring in similar guys? Why or why not?

MIKE: I was “the cool guy” and the athlete growing up which was great. Boxing did a lot for me. I achieved a lot from the sport and I am thankful. I also got myself in A LOT of trouble not so much because of boxing and my status, but it just made it a lot easier. When I was boxing I was part of a Christian group of boxers and MMA fighters called the Fighters of Faith. The only problem was I was basically a part-time Christian. I’d give glory to God and have verses on my trunks and websites but then I’d be out partying, drinking, and sleeping with a ton of women – just contradicting everything I’d say. After I retired from boxing I eventually got my life back on track and now I’m where I need to be, always trying to better myself and following Jesus at Have Bible Will Travel church, where I have my own boxing/exercise ministry.

ME: Are there less “cool guys” in religion? What would you say to guys like us who may have a “too cool for school” attitude?

MIKE: There are plenty of people that think they are too cool and don’t need church, but when it comes down to it the death rate here on earth is STILL 100%. You get to choose where you spend eternity, heaven or hell and the only way to heaven is by accepting Jesus as your lord and savior. Basically you can read the bible on your own and believe in God but you need church for the fellowship, to be around other believers and not just worldly people and things. I believe there is a church out there for everyone, I love my church family because they are so REAL and caring and don’t try to put on a SHOW like they’re perfect. Its not about religion because religion is man-made, its about having a relationship with Jesus.

ME: What do you think of the saying, “If you’re scared, go to church”?

MIKE: I don’t really know what to say to that. I never really heard anyone say it. If your scared church is a good place to be because that’s God’s house and fear is a sin.

ME: Do you think it’s important to offer sports in church activities?

MIKE: I do. Anything that will appeal to people to get them in the door to church, ESPECIALLY youths.

ME: There have been many gay, pedophile Catholic priests in the news. And in To Catch a Predator many offenders are pastors or otherwise active in their churches. Ted Haggard of megachurch New Life in Colorado Springs was outed as having a gay prostitute in Denver. Do you think religion gets a bad rap for sexual deviance? Is it higher among Christianity than the general population?

MIKE: You’re right. A lot of churches get a bad rap for the few scumbag pedophile priests that have been exposed. I know you’re not supposed to judge one another, but people like that its REALLY hard not to. But churches and priest helpers etc are all similar in the fact that you have to find the right one at the right place because all aren’t bad.

ME: How is your life different now as a born again Christian?

MIKE: My life has changed completely since growing closer to God – not just my lifestyle but the ways I can feel him working in my life.

ME: If you could promise just one thing to my readers, one way their life would be better with Jesus Christ, what would that one thing be?

MIKE: Honestly I could promise everybody a better life by accepting Jesus, but I don’t need to because its God’s promise and you just gotta have faith in him.

ME: What does your church do for community service and tackling social problems? How can people get involved?

MIKE: They have a benevolence fund to help the needy with utilities, etc. All the deacons and pastors make hospital visits daily, and food pantry. We were a big part of the tornado cleanups this year, this weekend they’re taking backpacks and school supplies down to Joplin for victims to start school with. Anybody can help, our church is Have Bible Will Travel (HBWT).

Have Bible Will Travel
1745 Craig Rd
St. Louis, MO 63146

Check out Mike Wood’s boxing classes at Eagle Gym with pics and video (I did the site).

Related posts:

1. My First KO in Peru
2. Iglesia de Nuestra Señora de Lourdes

Conversations with Christians

Even if it’s not in writing, every blog has a comment policy. If they’ve never deleted a comment, the policy in effect is anything goes. Some sites publish their policies. See blogging authority ProBlogger’s comment policy. Ben Casnocha asks for first AND last name with the email address. Tim Ferriss doesn’t allow profanity.

Expat Chronicles recently got its 1,000th comment, most of which are great. Some are sincere appreciation that brighten my day. Some add relevant information for the readers and me, and some cause me to rethink whatever I was saying.

Unfortunately not all comments are worthy. At best, bad comments employ bad English. At worst, they insult other readers or give people douchechills. One reader mentioned she was hesitant to join the conversation because guys might jump all over her.

I did the math once and calculated 8% of my comments were negative (higher than the industry average I imagine). I don’t mind negative comments. Considering the things I say it’s only fair to take some criticism. But then there are comments like this one, from ”jackmehoffer@colin_clensing.org.”

Conin, you are worthy of an ahmrican swithc kick in your Conan Briano. You silly twitt! lmao, you cia dork wannabe!

This is degrading my blog. Intelligent people who see that may be discouraged from commenting. This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. There is now an Expat Chronicles comment policy.

Every comment already allowed is grandfathered in, subject to change.

Names

It doesn’t have to be your primary email address. As with Names, I can’t verify it’s yours. But if I can tell it’s fake or I respond and get a bounce, the comment’s coming down.

Smell test:

Email the address you want to use right now. Did you receive the message?

Respect

I don’t like tough talk and disrespect over the internet. You can argue, but keep it about the subject at hand. If I deem the comment to be personal, I’ll take it down. There’s a minimum level of respect due others. I’ll accept a lot aimed at me, but I don’t want anybody else to be discouraged from commenting.

Smell test:

Would you talk like that to Kimbo Slice?

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Links and Spam

I sell ads in my left sidebar and the footer. Links aren’t free here. If you leave a spammy comment, I’ll remove it. There are exceptions. If a comment were rich with information, relevant to my post, and the link were to a helpful, quality site, I’d leave it in.

Any comment that promotes competition to my businesses or my advertisers (subject to my discretion) will be taken down. I may leave linked comments which are information-rich or helpful even if from competitors and certainly if you’re a long time reader linking to your own business.

Smell test:

1. Do I know Colin? Does Colin know me?
2. Does the information in the comment compel readers to continue reading?

Related posts:

1. Colombia Reports Controversy Part 1
2. Guatemala and United Fruit: US Policy Blunder
3. South Florida: Expat Returns

New Comment Policy on Expat Chronicles

I’ve written about Peruvian cumbia, salsa, and reggaeton. I no longer live in Peru so I don’t hear the new chicha hits. Salsa’s heyday was in the 60s and 70s, all the songs are classics. Reggaeton, however, is a new genre with radio hits coming out constantly. So instead of the one piece I did on reggaeton, I’m going to highlight annually my favorite radio hits of the year and any other old ones that caught my attention.

“Junto al Amanecer” by J Alvarez

This song is sexy. Together until sunrise. It captures the feeling of anticipating sex. Rarely does a song embody an emotion as well as this one does. You’re at the club, paired off and on the dance floor. Roaming hands, lower assets rubbing, kissing. You both know what’s coming, you both want it, you’re both excited on the dance floor. That’s really the only way to dance to this song.

This song isn’t about sex with your girlfriend or wife. It’s first time sex, which is often the best sex. The excitement you feel before having sex with someone you haven’t is among the most extreme. In my life skydiving and fighting in front of over 500 paying spectators rank as my top, non-sexual adrenaline rushes, but if you give most people a choice they’d take sex with someone new.

A wise American saying: “Ain’t no pussy like new pussy.”

Not only is the song NOT about sex with your main squeeze, it implies one night stands and CHEATING. Selected lyrics translated:

Si tú no crees en el amor, al igual que yo, toda la noche será pasajera.

TRANSLATION: If you don’t believe in love, same as me, the whole night will be just for tonight.

Y ver el sol saliendo junto al amanecer, mientras la brisa acaricia tu pelo, yo te haré mi mujer.

TRANSLATION: And watch the sun come up to sunrise, while the breeze caresses your hair, I’ll make you my woman.

Todo a lo natural sin que nadie nos vea, si te suena el celu y es tu jevo lo picheas, si quieres beber prende pide lo que sea.

TRANSLATION: All natural without anyone seeing us, if your phone rings and it’s your man you ignore him, if you want to drink get buzzed we’ll get whatever.

I have an apartment, but most Latinos live with their parents or spouses so these affairs happen at the sex hotels. Get liquor, weed, or whatever your pleasure for sex and cuddling till dawn with no strings attached. This song makes your sinning feel guilt-free. Latin America can do that.

I never played any instruments or sang, I have zero experience in music production. I can dance and I have good taste. I also think I can tell when somebody is competent at music production. This song’s lyrics seem difficult to string together. I don’t know if the singer wrote this song, but whoever did is a star. Extra credit in using that talent for sex sin compromiso.

If you haven’t, read All Colombian Women Cheat

“Madre” by Sandy y Papo

I got turned on to this track at a gangsters and strippers style of party. I suspected most of the men had knives and most of the girls had something to do with the sex industry. Drugs everywhere. So the DJ played this song and the place lit up. Guys and girls alike were nodding their heads HARD and singing along, a bona fide underworld anthem. I asked the DJ the track name and looked it up, surprised to see it’s a song dedicated to mothers. The crowd got hype for it because it was Mother’s Day weekend.

The song’s like a Mother’s Day song from bad kids. I feel it.

This is an old track from 1995. Sandy and Papo were Dominicans living in Venezuela. Unfortunately Papo was killed in a car accident in 1999.

“Cripy Cripy” by Yandar y Yostin ft. Shako
(song starts at 0:17)

This was among the top 2 or 3 reggaeton radio hits of the last year, in no small part because the artists are paisas from Medellin. It’s catchy as hell. The hook:

La niña quiere cripy, cripy, cripy porque la pone happy, happy, happy.

TRANSLATION: The girl wants cripy cripy cripy because it makes her happy happy happy.

Cripy is expensive, high-end weed. I’ve heard the Medellin cripy is laced with chemicals, but Cali cripy is natural. Who knows? But cripy is high-end weed (“kind bud” in America).

There are plenty of smoking weed anthems in American music, especially rap, but none enjoyed mainstream success and radio play like The Luniz’ 1995 smash hit I Got 5 On It. Still, that was mostly popular among people who smoked weed. Cripy Cripy is a dance track played in the clubs and lots of people love it.

I like this song because it incorporates women with smoking. For me, marijuana is the ultimate aphrodisiac. I love smoking and having sex. It relaxes me and also makes me more sensitive to touch. And it tunes me in to the girl’s feelings more. We become one. Finally, I’m not in as much of a rush when I smoke. I take my time. I recommend smoking while naked in bed so the intimacy starts immediately with the THC.

This is a great smoking weed song because it incorporates romance. But it has a bad ass video as well. Black and white, a bicycle, a dude in suspenders (suspenders kick ass), a dime smoking a blunt, and the dime popping balloons with the blunt. No le gusta la mari porque muy barata!

“Por Qué Te Demoras” by Plan B

When I said “Cripy Cripy” was among the top 2 or 3 radio hits in Colombia, Plan B’s “Porque Te Demoras” would’ve been in contention for top spot. Nothing especially noteworthy about the track, except how established Plan B is in putting out hits. I also like how they say “Sé que quieres, se te nota …” TRANSLATION: I know what you want, it’s obvious.

“RX” by Don Omar ft. Kendo Kaponi and Syko

Nowhere near as popular as the last two, RX still lights the club up. The key is the catchy way they repeat “TU QUIERES.” But for me I like how they say at the start and the end, “má whiky” – more whiskey. Don Omar and the vast majority of reggaeton artists are Puerto Rican, but Colombian costeños talk like that. They can’t pronounce the S. And of course whiskey’s cool.

“Return of los Tres” by Delinquent Habits

I wouldn’t call this reggaeton so much as Mexican-American rap. But in the last piece I had a shoutout to the Mexican-American community, so this one I will too. I learned Mexican Spanish in the US. I’m from St. Louis but I’ve lived in Tucson, AZ; Denver, CO; and Anaheim, CA – all heavily Mexican cities. They’re a huge part of my country and I gotta represent.

I heard this track in the gym and got amped. I like the Mexican horns with the hip hop beat. Back in the 90s I’d heard of Delinquent Habits, their CD in other people’s books was always located with the Cypress Hill. Sen Dog is member and executive producer, but I never listened to them. This track was actually their comeback hit after that 90s fame.

“Hola Beba” by Farruco

I don’t really like this song, but it’s a paisa artist and the video has killer shots of Medellin. It also features the finca culture here. Colombians with money escape the city to vacation at country houses. And it has hot paisa chicks. These women are top dollar model quality, but that’s the kind of women you find in Medellin. Finally, the singer has a silly Medellin haircut featuring racing stripes, a rat tail, and highlights! (See Colas! The Mullets of Medellin)

Hat tip to Dave at Medellin Living for sending me this video even though the song’s boring.

“Te imagino (con ropa haciendo amor)” by Alberto Stylee

I like songs that girls sing along to in the club, las que prenden las chicas. This one is one of them that get the girls hype and moving. I imagine you with clothes making love.

“Llamada de emergencia” by Daddy Yankee

Daddy Yankee always has a hit in radio rotation lighting up the dance floor. This one currently.

If you think I’m missing one or two leave the artist and title in the comments. Turn me or other readers on to what you’re listening to. Thanks!

Related posts:

1. My Reggaeton Picks
2. Chicha: An Ode to Peruvian Cumbia
3. There is No Happiness
4. News Roundup – Nov 12, 2008

Reggaeton Roundup 2011

Todd Shaw, AKA Too Short, is one of the most prolific performers in the rap industry. There’s much in common between his work and my own, although his degree of success exists only in my wildest dreams.

This website isn’t for the sensitive or politically correct, so we’re not talking about his unapologetically misogynist lyrics. And maybe you don’t like rap, or black people in general, but if you can look past Mr. Shaw’s content, you’ll see an American pioneer, entrepreneur, and salesman who we can all learn from in business and life.

Although rarely mentioned among “best of all time” rappers like 2Pac, Biggie, Eminem, or Jay-Z, the length of Mr. Shaw’s career dwarfs them all. He started recording in the early 1980s while in high school. His first album, Don’t Stop Rappin’, was released in 1983. 1983! Back when I was listening to the Fat Boys and hadn’t even started jerking off, Mr. Shaw was producing sex-themed rap songs, leading a brand new genre that would come to have a huge impact on American culture.

While my most popular post is 10 Things to Eat in Bogota, most of my traffic and readers come for my sex stories. Sex sells and always will. Mr. Shaw recognized this early. The early 90s were dominated by gangsta rap acts like NWA and the Geto Boys. The tone of these artists was over the top. Rappers across the industry were pressured to “go gangsta.” Most popular among my black classmates in junior high was another Oakland native, Spice 1 (who was actually discovered by Mr. Shaw). There must’ve been immense pressure on Mr. Shaw to incorporate gangsterism into his content. It’s a testament to his self assurance, strength of mind, vision, and foresight that he stuck with sex. Because the hardcore gangster proved to be a fad.

Mr. Shaw didn’t only face pressure to go gangster. In the early 90s there was a bona fide shitstorm that came down on the rap industry, specifically explicit lyrics. George Bush called out Ice T. Bill Clinton called out Sista Souljah. I get frequent attacks of nervousness and paranoia about publishing this kind of content. I’m constantly tempted to take it all down. Mr. Shaw resisted all that.

Mr. Shaw’s business maturity isn’t only seen in staying on his artistic course. In an industry where artists are often killed, sent to prison, or bankrupt, Mr. Shaw has stood the test of time. He’s had no high profile criminal trial. He’s had no life-threatening beefs with other rappers. He hasn’t been killed. He’s achieved his success while avoiding trouble, creating a sustainable career in true grown-ass man fashion.

In the earliest days of this blog, I studied best practices for writers. One often repeated mantra is “Show, don’t tell.” It means that instead of telling the reader what to conclude, tell the facts and let him conclude what he wants. I “show” by telling stories in every post I write. Don’t assume the reader’s stupid. Tell the story and let her interpret it as she wishes. Mr. Shaw is the ultimate storyteller in rap. There are others, but they pale in comparison for quantity and quality. Mr. Shaw learned this despite a brief formal education.

People may not like Mr. Shaw’s lyrics because they’re simple. His lyrical complexity isn’t like that of Rakim, Eminem, or Twista. However, ”simple is the ultimate sophistication” – Leonardo da Vinci. Ernest Hemingway is considered one of the best in American literature because he used very simple language. Hemingway actually feuded with William Faulkner over this point. And who’s better lasted the test of time? Mr. Shaw may yet overshadow his peers as the English language evolves and his content is forever understood. (Or maybe I’m reaching here.)

Just as I’m building this blog, Mr. Shaw built his business organically. In the 1980s, rap didn’t get radio play. His profane songs got NONE. He had no help. But he didn’t wait to be “discovered” or given a shot. He and his team sold tapes personally. TAPES. He and his partner formed independent record label Dangerous Music in 1985. Before Death Row, Bad Boy, No Limit, or any other “old school” rap record labels, Mr. Shaw had Dangerous Music. The original entrepreneur.

I doubt any other rapper has worked with as many icon artists as Mr. Shaw has. Here’s the list, which includes the biggest acts in the business: 2Pac, Biggie, 50 Cent, Big Boi, E-40, 8Ball, Ice Cube, Ice T, Jermaine Dupri, Jay-Z, Kid Rock, Lil’ Jon, Ludacris, Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Scarface, Snoop Dogg, Spice 1, UGK, Three 6 Mafia, and many many more. Every one of them, except maybe Ice T, was listening to Mr. Shaw’s music WAY BEFORE they made it big. He’s released 19 albums EXCLUDING compilations.

This is Mr. Shaw’s best and signature track:

Too Short – Freaky Tales

How can you argue with content like this:

When I freaked Michelle,

I freaked her well,

Her pussy got hotter than the flames of hell.

Freaky Tales is packed with similar lyrical gems.

While Freaky Tales is a great example of Mr. Shaw’s story-telling, each story is only a few lines long. He shows more depth, creativity, and humor in the story of Blowjob Betty. If you don’t dig the old school sound quality of Freaky Tales, you’ll prefer this track, which was produced at the very top of his game.

Too Short – Blowjob Betty

Mr Shaw’s most popular radio hit was I’m a Player, and typical of his content.

Too Short – I’m a Player

While most of his songs don’t reflect Mr. Shaw’s maturity and business sense, this can be seen in the grown-ass man anthem Gettin’ It.

Too Short – Gettin’ It

You should get a good lawyer,

like Johnnie Cochran.

Swear to tell the truth,

Hell no I didn’t pop him!

Gems! Mr. Shaw’s a lyrical master, but the music behind the lyrics is also important in this trade.  You can see the talent in the largely instrumental track, Oakland.

Too Short – Oakland

More than 20 years after starting his career in the music industry, Mr. Shaw released this popular hit in 2006. Career’s this long are unprecedented and unmatched in the rap genre.

Too Short – Blow the Whistle

I believe most of Mr. Shaw’s efforts the last ten years have been on the production side. When I first moved to the Los Angeles area, I was surprised at how lame the rap radio stations were given the city’s long rap tradition. But the radio stations were all pop radio, commercial crap. No ghetto anthems like in St. Louis. However, I got turned on to California act The Pack, who were discovered and produced by Mr. Shaw. Look for him in the video.

The Pack – Vans

Follow Too Short on Twitter.

Related posts:

1. American Expats’ Tax Liability in the US
2. Recession: An American Experience

An Ode to Todd Shaw, American Pioneer

This piece will surely ruffle feathers, but what’s new?

“Tu Vuò Fà L’Americano” by Renato Carosone
(You pretend to be American)

(I discovered this Italian gem from the techno version, which is wildly popular in Latin America.)

You see, there’s the silliest trend of people outside the United States insisting that they too are Americans. I’d never heard this from Mexicans or other Latinos living in the States, only outside. Their logic’s simple enough for anyone who made it to 3rd grade geography. Whatever country they’re from is in a continent called South America or region named Central America, so they’re Americans too.

Wow. Isn’t that insightful? A gringo never would’ve put that together. How will US education ever catch up?

Unfortunately this leaves no adjective in the English language to describe people or things from the United States. In Spanish, there’s estadounidense. And if you look up estadounidense on WordReference, you’ll see the English translation is AMERICAN.

In the third most populous country, and world’s most ethnically diverse, ‘American’ means almost nothing. In the US there are millions of every color of the rainbow, in freezing to sweaty climates, in uber-urban to uber-rural areas. The word already means so little, let’s not reduce it to complete worthlessness by including Mexicans, Argentines, Haitians, Jamaicans, Trinidadians, Colombians, Canadians (and trust me, the Canadians do NOT want to be called ‘Americans’), and more. American would inarguably be the most meaningless word in the English language. Because our hemisphere is comprised of two continents and is so diverse, ‘American’ would mean less than Asian, African, or European. You could at least get a mental image of those adjectives. But ‘American’ would mean absolutely nothing.

I’ll pose a question to all the Colombians, Peruvians, Brazilians, or whoever disagree with me. When you go abroad and someone asks you where you’re from, what do you say? You don’t say AMERICA, do you? Of course not. And you’ve never told someone you’re AMERICAN (unless it was in the context of making this stupid fucking point). No, you say COLOMBIAN or PERUVIAN or whatever you are. Stop this nonsense already.

Here’s the Wikipedia page for Names for US Citizens. The very first fucking sentence:

Different languages use different terms for citizens of the United States, who are known in English as Americans.

My concession: if speaking in Spanish, I’ll say estadounidense (I don’t like norteamericano because it includes all these fucking countries). You can call yourself ‘americano’ in Spanish (even though you never do) and I don’t give a shit. I won’t try to change the Spanish language. So you don’t try to change the English language. And in English, you monkeys, American describes someone or something from the United States. Pull your head out of your ass.

What are other options for American in English? Gringo? No, in much of Latin America ‘gringo’ includes Europeans. Plus many gringos find it insulting (not me). Yankee? No, Southerners in particular would object to that. United Statian? That second word would rhyme with Haitian. Not so much. Usamerican? Get real. There is no other word to describe people or things from the US. I think we deserve our own word. If Luxembourgers and Leichtensteiners get their own words, we get one too goddammit.

It never would’ve occurred to me to write this if I hadn’t gotten this hater comment from some kool-aid drinking gringo:

“Americans talk bad about New Yorkers or people from Los Angeles.” Again absurd. Are you aware that “America” consists of North, Central, and South America? You incredibly moronic ‘tard.

Before that I never thought much of this silliness. I thought people who said things like “We’re all Americans” were nerds and their agenda lame, but none of my business. But now that’s it’s been thrown in my face …

The funny thing is just after reading that comment, I went to the boxing gym at Cl 44 and Septima. I’d trained there a couple times before. The lightweight pro who runs the place saw that I had experience. He wants me to train there and we’re shooting the shit. Another trainer was working with a young Colombian fella who was about out of wind. He was struggling with standing situps. The lightweight pro started yelling at him, “Vamos, vamos! Muestra a este americano … bla bla bla.” Show this American what you got!

So right after reading the hater’s comment, I was referred to as ‘American’ IN SPANISH by a Colombian. And since that comment it’s happened a dozen other times in Spanish. Case closed, bitches!

I obviously love Latin America if I choose to live here. I’ve forwarded to many friends this article about how the close relationship between the US and Latin America is more important than the US with China. I recognize we have a common history of colonialism. Our countries share a legacy of immigrants leaving old Europe for a better life. We have strong traditions of democracy and free speech (besides Cuba and Venezuela of course). I’m proud of what we have in common and I will always live in the Americas.

This is not a nationalist or racist piece. This is a common sense vs. silly agenda piece. Seriously, be proud of your own country. Call yourself Colombian or whatever you are. Your country has your own word. Let us have ours, at least in English.

Absurdities from the bastardization of the word ‘American’
(just for fun)

Typical American food:

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Popular sport among Americans:

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American flag:

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American English accent:
(starts at 0:13)

Typical American music:

American people:

We’re Not All Americans, You Dumb Asses

I was in the States last summer. As always in America, I was listening to NPR. I heard an amazing story on American expats renouncing their US citizenship. I wish I could embed or link to the exact radio program, but I can’t find it. Here are some choice quotes from other news stories:

From NY Times, More American Expatriates Give Up Citizenship

Amid mounting frustration over taxation and banking problems, small but growing numbers of overseas Americans are taking the weighty step of renouncing their citizenship …

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There were 235 renunciations in 2008 and 743 [in 2009]. Waiting periods to meet with consular officers to formalize renunciations have grown …

I didn’t know that, as an American, I have to pay taxes on what I earn here. Obviously I have to pay for income I generate Stateside like my Peruvian Naturals business, but it was news to me that I have to pay taxes on teaching English down here. It sounds outrageous, and it is, that I have to pay taxes on the one million pesos or so a month I make teaching English in Colombia.

Here’s another choice quote from the NY Times piece:

American expats have long complained that the United States is the only industrialized country to tax citizens on income earned abroad.

America’s the only one. Great.

A major point of the NPR story was that it discourages Americans to branch out of our own borders. In a globalized world, that doesn’t make for a competitive nation.

As it becomes more difficult for Americans to live and work abroad, it will become harder for American companies to compete.

Fortunately there’s a movement to reverse this backwards ass policy. These quotes from the Wall Street Journal piece, Taxes on Overseas Income Take Center Stage at House Hearing:

U.S. multinationals pressed their case for exempting all foreign profits from U.S. tax at a Thursday House hearing, as a congressional debate over corporate taxes got off to a contentious start.

This article focuses more on American corporations’ earnings, not individuals’, but it’s the same concept. American firms are put at a disadvantage against foreign competition.

“We’re not talking about a tax break. What we’re talking about is paying the same as our foreign-based competition,” [Proctor & Gamble CEO Robert] McDonald said …

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“Clearly, the tax code is too complex, too costly, and takes too much time to comply with,” [MI Republican Congressman David] Camp said. “I don’t think this can be, nor should it be, a partisan exercise” …

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Democrats and Republicans on the panel were in agreement Thursday that the tax code is too complicated and needs to be simplified.

Even if you’re anti-corporate or anti-big business, you have to recognize that American companies losing out to foreign competition will result in less American jobs. Look at the American auto industry.

Here’s another piece on the subject in TIME, Why More U.S. Expatriates Are Turning In Their Passports:

502 expatriates renounced U.S. citizenship or permanent residency in the fourth quarter of 2009 — more than double the number of expatriations in all of 2008. And these figures don’t include the hundreds — some experts say thousands — of applications languishing in various U.S. consulates and embassies around the world, waiting to be processed. While a small number of Americans hand in their passports each year for political reasons, the new surge in permanent expatriations is mainly because of taxes …

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The U.S. is the only industrialized nation that taxes its overseas citizens, subjecting them to taxation in both their country of citizenship and country of residence.

I don’t think any Americans in Colombia are renouncing their citizenship. I think this is happening in countries like UK, Australia, Switzerland, etc. No developing countries, but still…

I’m proud of being American, and I’m proud of my country. But I’ll be goddamned if there aren’t some things that just make me wonder what the hell is wrong with those people. What do you think? Is this as ridiculous to you as it is to me? What could possibly be the argument for taxing money I make here?

Related posts:

1. Recession: An American Experience
2. A Mexican-American Experience
3. An American Affair

American Expats’ Tax Liability in the US

I’ve written about Peruvian cumbia and more recently salsa, so it’s only right I write about reggaeton. Reggaeton was the first Latin music I liked, which I credit to its being so similar to rap. I had a common reference point to start from. While many older people don’t like reggaeton, it’s not as unpopular among them as rap is among older Americans.

Here’s are some of my favorites to get you started.

Daddy Yankee – La Fuga

I was first turned on to reggaeton in 2004 by Daddy Yankee’s smash hit Gasolina. He’s the most popular reggaeton act by far and it was difficult to pick just one of his tracks for this post. I passed the big hits Rompe, Lo Que Pasó, Ella Me Levanto, and Pose to give you the underrated gem, “La Fuga” (The Escape).

Interestingly, Daddy Yankee endorsed Republican candidate John McCain in the 2008 election.

Don Omar – Anda Sola

Many people felt it unfair that Daddy Yankee was seen as the king of reggaeton. They say Don Omar was the true founder. I have no idea, but this is my favorite track from Don Omar. “Anda Sola” could be translated ‘she rolls solo’.

Don Omar’s most popular hit, which you’re sure to hear in the clubs, is Salió el Sol.

Wisin y Yandel – Sexy Movimiento

Puerto Rican group Wisin y Yandel is probably the next most popular reggaeton act after Daddy Yankee. Unfortunately Wisin Y Yandel videos suck because they incorporate movie-like plots ala whack-ass Puff Daddy videos from the 90s.

If you like Wisin Y Yandel, listen to Ahora Es or the less popular MySpace.

Nigga – Te Quiero

There’s a lot of romantic reggaeton out there. Panamanian Nigga, known as ‘Flex’ in the US market, won a Latin Grammy for this track. (Video starts at 24 seconds.)

Khriz y Angel – Carita de Angel

This is another romantic reggaeton track. This track makes the list because it was a special song for me and Milagros, my last girl in Peru. God I miss her.

If you like romantic reggaeton, check out Sensación del Bloque by De La Ghetto & Randy.

Luny Tunes ft. Wisin Y Yandel y Daddy Yankee – Noche de Entierro Remix

A classic. Know this one.

La Fabri-K – Cual es tu Cau Cau?

This song got heavy airplay in Arequipa because the group is Peruvian. Well, Peruvian-American anyway. La Fabri-K hails from America’s largest Peruvian neighborhood in Paterson, New Jersey. ‘Cau-cau’ is Peruvian slang for ‘problem’ or ‘beef’. What’s your problem?

DJ Warner

The DJ Warner style of reggaeton is distinct. I’ve never heard it in Bogota, but they play it non-stop in the reggaeton clubs of downtown Arequipa, Peru. Very heavy, hardcore.

Calle 13 – Atrévete-te-te

Calle 13’s “Atrévete-te-te” has an addictive beat that’ll have you nodding your head the first time you listen despite not knowing what the hell they’re saying. My best translation of “atrévete” would be ‘just do it’.

Control Machete – Si Señor

Mexican group Control Machete has this song featured on the soundtrack of Mexican film Amores Perros, which put Gael Garcia Bernal‘s on the map as an actor. The beat’s so irresistible it was also used in a Levi’s ad aired during the Super Bowl.

This song may be considered Spanish hip hop more than reggaeton, but I can’t tell the difference between the two genres so they’re all going in this post.

Vakero – En El Barrio Ya No Hay Gente

I found this song by Dominican rapper Vakero from the movie Sin Nombre – a must-see about a couple fleeing a Mexican gang. Hence the images of Mexican gangsters in the embedded video.

Chocquibtown – De Donde Vengo Yo

Colombian group ChocQuibTown is gaining popularity in the reggaeton / Spanish hip-hop scene. They hail from Chocó, the heart of the Afro-Colombian community. This track won a Latin Grammy. Lots of Colombian costeño Spanish in their music.

If you liked that song, check out Somos Pacifico, which you’ll surely hear in Colombian dance clubs.

Cypress Hill – Latin Lingo

This song isn’t reggaeton at all. But since I’m getting more and more into Spanish rap, I thought it only right to include the Los Angeles’ own pioneers in Latino rap with the aptly named, Latin Lingo from 1991.

Related posts:

1. Chicha: An Ode to Peruvian Cumbia

My Reggaeton Picks

Alternate Title: Salsa Para Los Que Saben

When I lived in Arequipa I fell in love with Peruvian cumbia. When I moved to Bogota I started listening to salsa.  I won’t discuss the rhythm of salsa, because frankly if you can’t pick up the beat to these songs then go back to techno and don’t come back. This post isn’t about dancing salsa, but appreciating the music. Dig it before dancing it. Use these videos as a playlist until you’re ready to go out on your own.

UPDATE: Like my picks? See my post on reggaeton.

“Shingaling” by Jean-Claude Ames and Vincent Thomas

This salsa-techno remix by a European duo was our group’s weekend theme song when I visited Girardot. The techno parts annoyed me but actually helped me appreciate the horns and how the sounds differ from cumbia. This track is a primer for the gringo ear. (Song starts at 17 seconds).

[video]

“Sandra” by Angel Canales

We’re still in the intro phase for gringos. Angel Canales sings ”Sandra” in English so it’s easy to get stuck in your head. Pay attention to the freestyle format of salsa. Gringo music, even rap, has a strict structure. Verse, chorus, verse, chorus, verse, chorus, end – something like that. Salsa songs can change choruses as the song goes on. Canales sings whatever he feels whenever, and the orchestra jams out how they want.

[video]

Canales may be my favorite. You won’t hear “Sandra” on a dance floor, but you will hear Nostalgia, which I just danced to last night with a new Colombian sweetheart.

“Las tumbas” by Ismael Rivera

Ismael Rivera gives us this starter for appreciating horns. If you don’t feel this sound then you have no soul and might as well stop reading. Go watch American Idol.

[video]

“Ahora me da pena” by Henry Fiol

Many people don’t know salsa was mostly cultivated in New York, where Henry Fiol was born and raised. His singing is easy to understand for English speakers. Fiol would be a Nuyorican (Puerto Rican born in the US), as opposed to a Boricua (born in Puerto Rico). I’ve spent a grand total of three days in New York so I had to look all that up on Wikipedia. “Ahora me da pena” is about social injustices in New York, and the video features bad-ass footage of old-school NYC.

[video]

Like Fiol? Check out Oriente.

“Juanito Alimaña” by Hector Lavoe

Hector Lavoe had the best voice in the history of salsa – quite an accomplishment for him given a huge percentage of salsa singers are black. Lavoe was the subject of biopic El Cantante, starring Marc Anthony as Lavoe and Jennifer Lopez as girlfriend Nilda Perez. “Juanito Alimaña” is about a young thug’s life.

[video]

Another good one by Lavoe is Trucutu.

“Lamento de un guajiro” by Ismael Miranda

Hector Lavoe had the best voice, but Ismael Miranda was the “Pretty Boy of Salsa.” This song has a bad-ass flute.

[video]

If you like Miranda, listen to No me llores.

“Yamulemao” by Joe Arroyo

Colombia has contributed some kick-ass salsa. The city of Cali considers itself the world capital of salsa. It hosts an annual salsa fair (I’ll try to attend this December) and even innovated its own Caleño style of salsa dancing. However, the best Colombian salsero, Joe Arroyo, is from Cartagena. “Rebelión” is his most famous song but it’s played the fuck out so I’m sharing with you another favorite, “Yamulemao“. Arroyo is a hardcore drug user and I imagine he was mad out of his head for this live performance.

[video]

It’s played out to me, but listen to Rebelión if you haven’t heard it. It’s about a slave standing up to his Spanish master for hitting his girl.

“Buenaventura y Caney” by Grupo Niche

Also wildly popular from Colombia is Grupo Niche. ‘Niche’ is Colombian slang for a black guy – like ‘brother’ in American slang. This song’s about the Pacific port town of Buenaventura, which is 85% black and the birthplace of Colombian boxer Edison Miranda. A distant cousin from Ireland who traveled there told me it “made the hair on the back of [her] neck stand up.”

[video]

“Yo no sé mañana” by Luis Enrique

Everything I’ve given you so far is from the classic salsa era. I haven’t delved into new-school salsa myself much. I love this song however, and long-time readers know I’m a sucker for sentimental ballads. Luis Enrique is a Nicaraguan singer who’s won two Latin Grammys.

[video]

Well, if you’ve made it this far then you have potential and passion. Watch the trailer for the salsa documentary, Politics of Rhythm. It’s a seven-minute outline of the history and current state of salsa featuring commentary from Ruben Blades, Willie Colon, Larry Harlow, Eddie Palmieri, Mario Grillo, Albert Torres, Aurora Flores, Bobby Sanabria, Oscar Hernandez, Johnny Polanco, Ray de la Paz, and more.

Politics of Rhythm documentary

[video]

Related posts:

1. Steamy Sex in Arequipa, Peru

A Gringo’s Guide to Salsa

My Budweiser backpack won’t be returning from China. Death is at hand.

We first met in Houston, TX. I was working as a Contemporary Marketing Representative at Anheuser-Busch – the perfect gig for a frat boy alcoholic. My job was to go to bars and make friends, creating a positive impression for the Bud and Bud Light brands. I worked in Southern California but the company pulled me out for the month of January to prepare for the 2004 Super Bowl in Houston. Budweiser backpacks and windbreakers were given to all on the team so we’d look the same.

The job wasn’t only partying at night; we also had to visit bars during the day, schedule promos, and install point-of-sale (POS) advertising. POS includes coasters, banners, pennant flags, mirrors, neons, and everything else that has the brand on it. Tools of the trade include staple guns, thumb-tacks, scissors, duct and packing tape, power drills, screws, anchors, and more. Hence the need for a backpack.

After a year as a marketing rep, I moved to Denver to work as an off-premise merchandiser, the absolute lowest position in the beer business. In addition to physically moving beer at high volume stores that can’t / won’t stock the beer themselves, I also had the POS responsibilities. So the Budweiser backpack was still used on a daily basis.

I quickly grew bored and gave up hope of climbing the corporate ladder. I left 3 years before the infamous InBev buyout of Anheuser-Busch. My girl and I went back to St. Louis in 2005. I got a job at Enterprise Rent-A-Car, where I didn’t use my backpack. Renting cars wasn’t for me. Our relationship broke down. She moved out around the same time I decided to leave Corporate America. My next move was to get my MBA while working at the same restaurant I worked at as an undergrad.

I moved into a studio apartment near the restaurant in 2006. I was newly single with a fervent anti-mainstream attitude – a backlash against years of a cookie-cutter American life: social fraternity, Corporate America, and date nights on my best behavior. I started smoking weed, shaving mohawks into my head, and shopping at thrift stores.

The Budweiser backpack became a part of me at this point. We were inseparable. I used it to carry my uniform, which (smart) service industry workers don’t wear on the street. This advertises to thieves that they have cash. I used to load the backpack with books for weighted running and stadium steps in Forest Park. Of course I took it to class and the gym on campus. Budweiser backpack and I became a regular scene on Delmar.

Summer 2006, one of my best friends was unemployed and selling drugs to make ends meet. He offered to front me weed. After all, I was working at a restaurant with servers and bartenders – everybody knows they do drugs. Plus I was living and working in the Delmar Loop, one of St. Louis’ hangouts for hippies, gays, blacks, and other counterculture types that smoke weed. So in theory, I should’ve been able to make some easy money.

The Budweiser Backpack carried a small inventory of $20-sacs. As soon as I started, the restaurant promoted me to bartender. Then I was super-careful not to let the managers find out I was selling weed. I decided I wouldn’t tell any of the girls on the staff, because they gossiped too much. I marked off other people I didn’t trust. In the end, I told maybe three people at the restaurant. Nobody knew. You don’t have to have selling skills to sell drugs. They sell themselves. But people have to know you have them.

Nothing illustrates how bad at selling weed I was as what happened on a field trip with UMSL’s International Business Club to Chicago. At the end of the first night out drinking, one guy badly wanted to get some weed. I agreed with him it would be nice to get high, not realizing I had some for sale at that very moment in my Budweiser backpack. I only realized after the trip, after the sale was lost. In over two months, I only sold about two ounces so I quit.

That same year, 2006, I took my first international trip with two friends and my Budweiser backpack to London and Amsterdam. The day we were supposed to fly back to London from Amsterdam, British authorities foiled a major terrorist plot. This was the plan to use liquid explosives to blow up airplanes, and from that day on liquids haven’t been allowed on planes. Heathrow canceled all flights so we were stranded in Amsterdam. Our flight from London back to America was the next day, so we couldn’t stay in Holland.

We bought bus tickets from Amsterdam to London. The bus had to pass through the Channel Tunnel, which is operated by France. So although I’ve never really been to France, I have passed through French customs and I have the French stamp in my passport. Of the bus passengers, I was last in line to pass through customs. As you would assume on a bus from Amsterdam to London, there were plenty of Arabs, Turks, and miscellaneous European Muslims. Women wore burkas. And on this day, the day of a major terrorist attack causing me to be on a fucking bus and not a plane, not one of these people were singled out by the customs agent.

Who did he single out? Me. He went through every nook and cranny of the Budweiser backpack. He opened and rummaged through my shaving kit. What the fuck? I was dumbfounded. All these people that fit the description on a day of terrorist attacks, and he’s fucking with the big dumb American? When he was done, he asked if I had LSD or mushrooms. I told him no. He asked about the book I was reading, Ken Kesey’s One Flew Over the Cuckoo Nest. Then it all clicked. Ken Kesey spearheaded the psychedelic LSD scene in 1960s California. This agent saw I was reading him and singled me out to look for drugs. After he was done, he said, “Next you read Jack Kerouac ‘On the Road’.” Along with Kesey, Jack Kerouac was a fellow beatnik writer. Also a French-American. The French are OK.

In 2007, the Budweiser backpack continued with me on Delmar, the Metrolink, and at UMSL. It also accompanied me to San Francisco, Washington DC, Brazil, Amsterdam (again), and Lithuania. In 2008 we moved to Peru, where I didn’t need it much since I had an office job.

In Peru we saw Cusco and Colca Canyon together. The Budweiser backpack was a handy partner in crime during my debauchery episodes (I and II) in Camaná – one of those nights we slept together in the street. More memorable though was when the backpack and I climbed Mount Misti. That was when its first failings began to show. A strap broke and I had to tie it from then on. A clip busted off. But the bag still worked. In my Cusco Incident, the Budweiser backpack weighed me down in fleeing from the scene of the crime. But we stayed together and I brought it with me to Machu Picchu. Later Chile and Argentina.

In 2009 I moved to Bogota, Colombia. I was launching an independent career. No more working for companies. To live in Colombia, however, I needed a work visa. I’d also need steady money so I got a job teaching English. My first class was at Bavaria, the national brewer in Colombia. It’s a subsidiary of SABMiller, a major competitor of AB InBev / Budweiser. Did that stop me from taking my Budweiser backpack to their offices?

It was my only backpack! I used it as a conversational piece to introduce myself to the class. I’d show them the Budweiser logo and explain that I’d worked in the American beer business for two years. I told them it was my only backpack. But if they gave me an Aguila backpack, I’d be happy to switch. My first few classes were all engineers, so they didn’t care. They don’t have the competitiveness of the sales and marketing workers. However, even when I had sales and marketing workers, they didn’t care either. I never got a new backpack from these cheap bastards – Aguila, Club Colombia, Poker, Costeña, nothing. They don’t care because Bavaria has an unregulated monopoly in Colombia. Their market share is over 99%. They have all the domestic brands plus Peroni, and they had plans to introduce MGD before I left last May. The only competition is Budweiser and Heineken, which are tiny, expensive niches only available in affluent areas of big cities. So despite all the classes I taught at various campuses – Tocancipá, Zipaquira, Boyacá, and Calle 94 – nobody gave a shit that I brought a Budweiser backpack every day. In the American beer business, you’d be crucified.

The Budweiser backpack carried my groceries when I started shopping at 7 de agosto, a cheap food market a mile from my apartment. I’d stock up on pounds and pounds of vegetables, fruit, beef, chicken, and fish before riding it back to my place. Carrying such poundages of food probably put the strain on the zipper that presents the irreparable damage it now has.

This last summer, I went back to work for the same restaurant on Delmar in St. Louis. I rode a bike from Vinita Park to U City every day with that backpack, never a problem. The backpack has served me here in China, but it won’t be coming back.  I’m burying the Budweiser backpack here. I wouldn’t like the same for me, but what’s the point in getting sentimental about a backpack?

RIP Budweiser Backpack