Expat Chronicles » peru

Peruvian Food: The Best in Latin America

Colin — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 06:25:00 +0000

Brazilian and Argentine food is excellent, and Mexican restaurants dominate the international dining scene, but Peruvian food is the best in Latin America. The gastronomical FAIL that is Colombian cuisine is the worst in Latin America. Colombian food is so bad you’d need a guided food tour from an expert like me to eat the few good Colombian meals. I don’t think food tours would sell in Peru because it’s not hard to find delicious food. No matter where you go or what your budget, you’ll be amazed.

I recently met a Colombian woman who was living in Arequipa, Peru. She was from Medellin, so she grew up with the worst regional cuisine (paisa food) in the worst country (Colombia). While her looks and accent drive Peruvian men wild, her cooking surely doesn’t. The Peruvian girls who introduced us asked about Colombian food. I never miss a chance to tell Colombians how bad their food is. The first step in problem solving is acceptance. Overcoming denial. If Colombians go on believing their food’s good, it’ll never get better. So I told the Peruvians and the paisa woman that Colombian food is nothing to write home about, but I didn’t twist the knife. I didn’t detail the superiority of Peruvian cuisine compared to the inferior Colombian as pictured below.

Peruvian food dominating Colombian

After subtly making my point the paisita said something interesting: “La comida peruana es muy condimentada.” Peruvian food is very condimented, which I took to mean lots of spices, sauces, etc. But if I were to translate that literally, I’d write it as ‘Peruvian food is very flavored.’ The proud paisa implied (correctly) that Colombian food is not very flavored, thus confirming the boring nature of Colombian food: APCM.

So as the paisa chick said, condiments, sauces, and seasoning is part of Peru’s success, but it’s not the key difference. Peru’s culinary greatness stems from their being experimental. Some of the best meals I’ve made resulted from experiments. Tinkering. Sometimes experimenting results in disaster, but it’s necessary to invent great dishes.

The degree of experimentation in Latin America’s best (Peruvian) and worst (Colombian) is a stark contrast. Colombians’ lack of culinary creativity is perfectly illustrated in the local saying, APCM. Arroz, papa, carne, maduro. Rice, potato, meat, banana. That’s 90% of what Colombians eat. The meat can be chicken, pork, or beef. Sometimes “potato” means french fries. And sometimes it comes with ‘salad’, loosely defined since Americans wouldn’t call it ‘salad’. It’s more like cole slaw with lemon juice instead of dressing. Or if not salad, maybe APCM comes with the even less appetizing arepa. Sometimes the meat comes with a sauce like cream of mushroom or barbecue sauce. But usually it’s bare. A 2-3 oz bare filet with bare rice, a salted potato, and a fried plantain or banana. Sound good? If not, escape APCM by taking a food tour in Bogota.

Below you’ll see how experimental Peruvians get in the kitchen, starting with the national dish, ceviche.

Ceviche

Peruvian ceviche with calamari and three creamy sauces

To make ceviche, marinate raw fish in lemon juice to kill the bacteria and serve raw. Who would try that? Whoever’s idea it was didn’t stop there. They thought it’d be good with sweet potato. Raw fish in lemon juice with sweet potato. But sweet and sour wasn’t enough. They created an-all out oral orgy by adding spicy to the mix, via fresh rocoto. Sour, sweet, and spicy. Add cancha for crunch. Also seaweed for … I don’t know what seaweed brings. But I eat it all.

Ceviche’s rarely served with creamy sauces and calamari as in the first pic. And if you skip the cancha, ceviche’s a super-healthy plate. Raw fish is loaded with Omega 3 fatty acids and protein. Lemon juice adds your RDI of Vitamin C. Sweet potatoes are so low on the glycemic index they’re not considered a starch. Seaweed is a common ingredient in fat burner pills. All that healthy goodness and it’s delicious!

Peruvian ceviche in Barranco, Lima

I actually have a horrible case of acid reflux disease. Acid comes up from my stomach when I sleep. Five years ago it was so bad the acid ate away the enamel on four of my teeth, which I had to have capped. A doctor gave me a list of behaviors that aggravate acid reflux, and I noted that I was very guilty of 4 out of 7: spicy food, caffeine (especially coffee), alcohol, and eating before exercise.

Eating ceviche is worse than all of those. No food’s more acidic than lemon juice. Drinking the leche de tigre (Tiger Milk, the fishy lemon juice at the bottom of the bowl) after finishing all the food is like injecting acid into my gums. But I don’t care. I ALWAYS DRINK THE LECHE DE TIGRE. Sometimes I add it to beer.

I won’t live a life without ceviche, especially in Peru. I just spent a few months in Arequipa and Lima and I ate ceviche at least once a week, often two or three times. At one point my acid reflux got so bad the nerves in my front teeth inflamed and my gums swelled up. I have to take Ranitidina pills to eat ceviche so much, but it’s worth it. It’s nothing less than oral orgasm.

Arroz con Pollo / Pato

Every country has their own version of arroz con pollo – rice with chicken. Colombia’s version isn’t bad, but it’s inferior to Peru’s. To make Peruvian arroz con pollo, you need two different types of cilantro (there are two kinds) in enough quantity to turn the rice green. Saute chicken or duck thighs (duck tastes better). Cook diced peas and carrots with the rice. Serve the rice topped with the poultry, raw red pepper and red onion. Add a ton of aji like me.

I’ve seen Peruvian arroz con pollo served with a creamy, yellow sauce. Don’t know how to make it or what it’s called. Leave a comment if you know.

Ají de Gallina

Ají de Gallina in Barranco, Lima

Another perfect example of experimental cooking is seen in ají de gallina, a creamy chicken sauce served with rice. The sauce is made with evaporated milk, mild yellow peppers, Parmesan cheese, garlic, onion, and crushed pecans. PECANS!

Cook shredded chicken breast into the sauce. When thoroughly cooked, top the sauce with a boiled potato, hard boiled eggs, and black olives. Serve with rice.

Let’s do an ingredient roll call:

Evaporated milk
Yellow ají
Parmesan cheese
Garlic and onion
Pecans
Chicken
Potato
Boiled eggs
Black olives

Who would think to mix those? Boring Colombian chefs bow down!

Seco de Cordero

Seco de cordero receives little mention when people drool over Peruvian food. But it’s one of the best.

Sauteed lamb meat in another experimental sauce. Mix in a blender water, spinach, cilantro, yellow ají, a little onion and garlic. Seems strange, tastes great. Add peas and a boiled potato after making the sauce.

Seco de res is the same dish with beef in place of lamb.

Lomo Saltado

A $1.50 Lomo Saltado

Homemade Lomo Saltado, no rice

My lomo saltado with strawberries & cream and wine

Everybody raves for Lomo Saltado.

Fry potato strips (french fries). Then saute strips of steak with soy sauce, diced tomato and onion. Use enough oil and soy sauce for there to be a good amount of juice at the bottom. When cooked, throw the fries in and toss it all so the juice mixes with everything. Top with fresh cilantro and serve with rice.

The two shots on the right were cooked by me. In my opinion lomo saltado doesn’t need rice because it already has a good amount of starch in the potatoes. I’m not as anti-rice as when I wrote My Rice Rant, but I still cut it whenever possible. You can always cut it from Lomo Saltado. The pic on the right is a dinner I cooked for my Peruvian darling: Lomo Saltado sin arroz with Argentine Cabernet and Strawberries & Cream for dessert. Damn I’m good.

Chicharrón de Cerdo

Chicharrón de cerdo

In Colombia, chicharrón means pork rind, but not like the salty snacks in the States. Colombian pork rinds are deep fried pig skin. Cuts can range from pure grease and fat to very lean and red. Most are pretty greasy with a skin so hard it could break a tooth. One of Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s stories features a character who chipped a tooth eating chicharrón.

Deep-fried pork

In Peru, chicharrón simply means deep-fried. So they have chicharron de pollo (deep-fried chicken), chicharron de cerdo (deep-fried pork), and even chicharron de camaron (deep-fried shrimp). I didn’t eat pork or shellfish for over three years to avoid heathen food. I resumed eating pork when I moved to Colombia because bandeja paisa, the national dish and one of my top 4 Colombian dishes, features three (four if it comes with morcilla) pork foods: a chicharrón pork rind, chorizo, and beans cooked in pork fat. I took pork back, but shellfish only rarely, and I’ll never eat truly heathen shit like dogs or snakes.

I never had Peruvian chicharrón until I went back. It’s delicious. Heathen eating at its finest. Generous with the ají. Served with lightly fried potatoes, onion, and mint leaves with lemon juice.

There’s no reason Colombians can’t serve this. There’s nothing difficult about it. Colombians already eat a lot of pork and a lot of deep-fried food. Why don’t they deep fry pork? Maybe it’s too tasty for the Colombian palate.

Here’s a shot of chicharrón de camaron, deep-fried shrimp. It’s fried so hard that people eat the shell. They can chew and digest the entire shrimp. Crunchy seafood, the swine of the sea.

Chicharrón de Camaron, fried shrimp

Estofado de Res

Estofado de Res

Stewed beef

Estofado de res is another lesser-known Peruvian dish, but a good one. It’s usually cheap too. Thin-cut steak strips stewed in carrots, peas, onion, tomato, and bay leaves. It’s tangy.

Causa

Bad ass homemade causa

Causa de pollo

Causa is an inventive wonder. It’s a mashed potato cake with chicken salad filling and avocado. If chicken salad sandwich with avocado sounds good, it’s even better with mashed potato instead of bread. It’s filling.

The mashed potato has lemon juice so there’s a hint of sour.

Causa’s not only made with chicken. It often has tuna salad inside. Those are the two main variants, but there are several others. It’s sometimes served as an appetizer in small portions. In addition to chicken and tuna, they make lobster causa, octopus causa, shrimp causa. Some are purple, some are green. They serve it with elaborate creamy sauces. To see some wild causa designs, Google Image search “causa.” Food porn #foodporn.

Causa is distinctly Limeña, like Ajiaco to Bogota. The best causas are found at Lima seafood restaurants. You can usually find a sampler appetizer with three or four variants mentioned above. My favorite is plain old chicken causa with a ton of ají.

Malaya Dorada

Malaya Dorada

Beef ribs. Boil the ribs with carrots, celery, and ají peppers.

Served with rice, baked potato, and Russian salad. They call it Russian salad, but what they serve doesn’t look like what Google says Russian salad is. What they serve is mostly beets and a sweet, creamy dressing.

A major Colombian breakfast is Caldo de Costilla, beef rib soup. I eat at least one every week. It’s very simple: beef rib, potato, and cilantro. It’s good if you go to a place that serves a generous beef rib. Many caldos are stingy. Then beef rib soup sucks.

Locro de Pecho

Locro de Pecho

Another wild one. Pecho is the chest of a cow, or brisket. It’s boiled until soft and mixed in with a mess of mashed potato and spicy ají peppers. Very filling.

There are many variations of this, many of which are soups. This style of Locro de Pecho dominates Arequipa.

Alpaca Steak

Alpaca steak in mushroom sauce

Alpacas are similar to llamas, common in Peru. Alpacas’ meat makes great steaks. It’s leaner than beef with a similar flavor.

Alpacas also yield the softest fleece I’ve ever touched. I bought a baby alpaca sweater and blanket. After getting used to that blanket, it’s hard to go back to any other fabric. Arequipa’s a major producer of alpaca fleece clothes and blankets.

Arequipa Cuisine

Arequipa is unique in that it’s a small city of 1 million, but it’s produced enough dishes that it has a bona fide regional cuisine. Arequipa restaurants are called picanterías. This would be the equivalent of Colombia having a Bucaramanga cuisine and Bucaramanga restaurants. I’ll give Bucaramanga props for hormigas but it’s no Arequipa, which has contributed more than its fair share to Peruvian cuisine.

Before moving to South America, I was looking for work anywhere. Mexico, Argentina, Brazil, Colombia, Peru, anywhere. I’m only realizing now how lucky I got in landing a job in Arequipa.

Arequipa Soups

I always shake my head in disbelief when Colombians are proud of their soups. Ajiaco is by far the best Colombian soup. Caldo de costilla, mondongo, and sancocho are OK but not worth bragging about. But the vast majority of Colombian soups – those that come with lunch – aren’t worth eating. I often tell waitresses not to bring it. Just keep it if it’s rice soup, pasta soup, plantain soup, or cream of mushroom. It’ll just go to waste if you put it on my table.

No bullshit, they have pasta soup.

It’s also weird to see pride for Colombian soups because I lived in Arequipa where they have over a dozen soups that are amazing and inventive. I don’t know the ingredients, but just see the pics. They all have more ingredients, more flavor, and usually more meat.

Shrimp Chowder (expensive)

Chupe de Camaron (cheap)

Chochoco

Chaque

Chupe Criollo

There are more soups, but I never knew when I’d see a new one. I don’t carry my camera every day so I’m missing most of them.

Adobo

Arequipa specialty soup, Adobo

Adobo, pork chop soup

Sunday soup: Adobo & bread

Adobo is an Arequipa soup, but it’s different from those above because it’s a standalone meal. It’s also a Sunday ritual. You can only find Adobo on Sundays, but you find it everywhere. You can’t walk far on a Sunday in Arequipa without passing a sign advertising pork chop soup.

The pork chop is simmered with onions. It’s rich and tangy. If you like to throw down on swine, you’ll LOVE Peruvian chicharrón and Arequipeño adobo.

Cuy Chactao

Cuy chactao, guinea pig

Colombia has chiguiro (which is delicious), Peru has guinea pig (which is disgusting). Cuy chactao is known as a national dish, but it started in Arequipa.

Many people love cuy. I was on my holy diet when I lived in Peru so I never ordered this heathen fare. But I ate some once just to try it. It was the foulest smelling meat I’ve ever encountered. It tasted like a filthy pork. The biggest complaint people have about guinea pig is how much work it is. There ain’t much meat on these little fellas, and they have a ton of bones to get past. They’re so small they don’t filet them. They just cut them in half down the chest and belly, and deep fry them whole.

I once saw a small guinea pig farm and realized they’re the easiest beast of burden on the planet. They don’t even build cages for them because they don’t run. They don’t go anywhere. They just sit in the grass waiting to get slit in half.

Rocoto Relleno

Rocoto Relleno w/ Pastel de Papa & Chicha de Jora

Rocoto Relleno

Rocoto Relleno & Pastel de Papa

The top dog in Arequipa, the most revered plate, the source of Arequipeño pride, is Rocoto Relleno.

Rocoto is the spicy pepper in Peruvian cuisine. It’s the shape, color, and size of a red pepper. It’s de-seeded and de-stemmed, then stuffed with ground beef, cheese, peas, and black olives, then baked. The cheese oozes out from the top. I’m not much of a stuffed peppers guy, but rocoto relleno is damn good.

It’s served with pastel de papa, or potato cake. Layers of thin sliced potato baked with cheese and eggs. If they skimp on the cheese and eggs, it’s too dry for me. But when they’re generous with cheese and eggs, pastel de papa is the perfect compliment.

Soltero de Queso

Soltero de Queso

I almost never order vegetarian meals, but it does happen. Soltero de queso would be considered a salad in the States. It’s a good one and it inspired the style of salads I make here in Colombia year round. Dice up all the vegetables I can find, add olive oil and vinegar.

Soltero de queso doesn’t use all the vegetables however. It has queso campesino, butter beans, tomato, onion, corn, rocoto, parsley. Served with potato. If trying to burn fat, nix the potato and corn.

Queso Helado

Queso Helado - Cheese Ice Cream

Interesting dessert from Arequipa. It’s made from evaporated milk, condensed milk, vanilla extract, and sugar. Cinnamon is added on top. It’s good but I prefer real ice cream.

Americanos, Dobles, Triples

The American

Arequipa picanterías offer Americans, doubles, and triples. These are combination plates of Arequipa’s specialties. I don’t know the difference between the three, but I know Americanos are the biggest. This one has rocoto relleno, pastel de papa, estofado de res, and chicharrón de cerdo. Plus lentils and chicken spaghetti, but those don’t come standard. That’s just what this particular restaurant had extra to pile on the plate.

All these combo plates should be served with CHICHA DE JORA to be real Arequipeño.

Chicha de Jora

Chicha de Jora

Chicha de jora is a fermented beverage made from corn. It’s lightly carbonated and slightly alcoholic. They make it in huge orange clay pots. These pots are typical decoration for Arequipa picanterías.

Some chicha de jora formulas make a sour tasting drink. These ones can be trifling. Like drinking dishwater. I love chicha de jora when it’s colored like in the picture. The sour ones are lighter and cloudier, almost resembling dishwater.

At weekend lunches you’ll see people mixing chicha de jora with dark beer, Cusqueña Negra. It mixes well.

I’ve heard about a restaurant in Bogota’s La Candelaria, in the Chorro de Quevedo, that serves chicha de jora.

Kola Escocesa

Kola Escocesa

Not many cities of 1 million have a regional soda, as Arequipa has Kola Escocesa. It hasn’t grown out of the region because it’s not great. It tastes like a cross between Dr. Pepper and Black Cherry soda. Like a sweet cough syrup. Not great but not bad.

I don’t have shots of Papa Ocopa because I can’t imagine anyone ordering a boiled potato in a creamy sauce and calling it lunch. But that’s another Arequipa dish.

Other Drinks from Peru

Inca Kola

Peru’s most famous drink is probably Inca Kola. It’s the color of plutonium and tastes like bubble gum. I love it. The brand was bought out by Coca Cola. Read the interesting history of this soda on En Peru.

Chicha Morada

If any drink is more famous than Inca Kola, it’d be Chicha Morada (purple chicha). Similar to Chicha de Jora in that it’s made from corn, Chicha Morada is sweeter. It contains no alcohol or carbonation. I made it once. You boil the purple corn on the cob until the water turns dark purple. Then add diced apples and boil until they’re cooked. Add sugar if you like. It’s not the same, but it is drinkable without sugar. For some reason I find this stuff great when hung over.

This article still doesn’t do Peruvian food justice. I’m STILL missing some good plates like Locro de Zapallo, Caigua Rellena, and over half of the Arequipa soups. If you have pics, send them in and I’ll put them in.

The richest areas of Bogota are littered with Peruvian restaurants. There’s a district of them on Carrera 15 just south of Calle 100. Just when I thought there wasn’t room in the market for any more Peruvian restaurants, I heard of a new one near 76. Now we just need some priced in the 10,000 – 20,000 range!

Peruvian Food: The Best in Latin America

Santa Catalina Monastery in Arequipa, Peru

Colin — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 17:16:35 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Santa Catalina, a top tourist destination in Arequipa, was a monastery built in the 16th century and operated well into the 19th century. It takes up two square blocks of downtown Arequipa. Inside is a small town closed off to the outside world. It’s a concrete maze of hallways leading to living quarters, dining rooms, kitchens, and gardens.

The convent’s stated mission was to liberate souls stranded in purgatory, where nuns pledged to a life of simplicity in hopes to reach the highest spiritual level. However, Santa Catalina became quite a party house. Women had servants, drank wine, were entertained with music, and rumors allege that male studs were occasionally brought in. In the eighteenth century its reputation got so bad the Pope ordered a house cleaning at Santa Catalina.

See Santa Catalina’s website.

For easier picture viewing see the Santa Catalina album on the Expat Chronicles FB page.

Santa Catalina Monastery in Arequipa, Peru

Pictures of Arequipa, Peru

Colin — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 16:14:21 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Pictures of Plaza de Armas, Plaza España, el centro (downtown), Sachaca, Yanahuara, and Cerro Colorado in Arequipa, Peru.

For easier viewing see the Arequipa, Peru album on Expat Chronicles FB page.

Pictures of Arequipa, Peru

Two Gringo Killers of Peruvian Women

Colin — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 03:40:43 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Alternate Title: Joran van Der Sloot and William Trickett Smith II

Alternate Title: Gringo Treatment in Latin American Prisons

Joran van der Sloot

Joran van der Sloot, Peruana killer #1, in 2005

Joran van der Sloot grew up in Arruba a Dutch citizen and the son of a prominent lawyer. He played soccer and tennis at his private, English-language high school. His parents have said he was a manipulative liar as a child. Despite academic and athletic success, he grew a taste for casinos and partying on the Caribbean island.

At only 17 years old, Van der Sloot’s life would change after meeting Natalee Holloway, an American high school graduate from Alabama. They met in a nightclub and he took her to a local beach. She disappeared. They were seen leaving together so he was immediately a person of interest. His story changed several times. The investigation was botched.

Holloway was a beautiful Southern girl from a wealthy family, an honors student who’d won a full ride to the University of Alabama. Her disappearance was a compelling news story and Van der Sloot gained international infamy as the spoiled Dutch brat who got away with killing the lovely Southern belle. Van der Sloot’s Dutch interviews set television records in the Netherlands and American networks did in-depth specials. Despite the international media attention, because of poor law enforcement, his father’s coaching and his own shrewd maneuvering, Van der Sloot was never charged.

Another Dutchman from Arruba, Patrick van der Eem, befriended Van der Sloot and solicited a video confession. Van der Eem’s depicted as a “concerned citizen” and patriot by the media (especially ABC News). I applaud the great video he got, but I can see through the patriot shit. This guy’s a stone cold hustler, involved in cocaine and illegal endeavors and criminal types. I know the type well, and he reeks of it. He targeted Van der Sloot and worked him, earning €25,000 for the video. Here’s Van der Sloot telling him what happened to Holloway:

Van der Sloot claimed he was lying to someone he thought was a drug dealer. The video was deemed insufficient to bring charges. I believe what he explains to Van der Eem is exactly what happened that night (see a longer version with more of the incriminating conversation, plus Van der Sloot hitting the joint as he tells the story).

The question remains: Why would he dump her body in the ocean just because she went into convulsions? Why take such a risk when he could just call an ambulance? My guess: he drugged her in the nightclub. She went into convulsions because he’d been putting date rape drugs in her drinks. A relatively clean Southern girl, she had no tolerance and overdosed. He knew medical tests would find whatever he gave her and he’d be held responsible. So he dumped her body before even confirming she was dead.

After dodging charges, Van der Sloot moved to the Netherlands to attend university. He soon quit to attend university in Bangkok, Thailand, the sex tourism capital of the world. Just as soon as he arrived he quit school again. He went independent. Given that he bought a pizza joint just off campus, I assume his parents were financing him. He also made money playing online poker, aspiring to become a professional poker player.

In addition to pizza and poker Van der Sloot posed as a model scout for Thai women, reportedly earning $13,000 for every girl he could sell into the Dutch sex industry. Thai authorities are investigating his involvement in trafficking underage girls.

If you’re not amazed at the audacity of a kid who barely avoids a murder charge immediately going to sell Thai girls into prostitution, you’ll surely be surprised at what he did next. To get revenge against the Holloway family for what he perceived as their persecution against him, Van der Sloot offered them the details of her death for $250,000. The family lawyer documented a payment of $10,000. Van der Sloot was indicted in the US for wire fraud and extortion.

Joran van der Sloot in Peru

Before being indicted or suspecting anything, Van der Sloot flew to Lima, Peru for the Latin American Poker Tour. Partying in Miraflores on the Holloway’s money, Van der Sloot met Stephany Tatiana Flores Ramirez. She was found beaten and strangled to death in his hotel room.

By the time hotel staff found Flores’ body, Van der Sloot had slipped the border into Chile (read my Border Incident from the same Tacna-Arica crossing). As opposed to Hollaway’s, Flores’ death was an open-and-shut case. The room was registered in Van der Sloot’s name. Hotel cameras show the two of them going into his room at night, and in the morning Van der Sloot leaving alone without checking out or leaving his room key. His bloody baseball bat and tennis racket were in the room. Her car was found dumped across town, missing credit cards and cash.

Flores’ body was found on June 2. Chilean police arrested Van der Sloot on June 3. That’s light speed in Latin America (and anywhere for someone trying to evade authorities), illustrating the degree of his fame and the effort of Interpol.

Van der Sloot was immediately shipped to Lima in bulletproof vest among a media circus. He confessed, explaining he killed Flores when she found details of the Holloway case on his computer and confronted him. He beat her and choked her, ultimately killing her in a fit of rage.

In short time Joran van der Sloot aged twenty years.

Van der Sloot retracted his confession, but it was futile. They had his laptop. The web activity from the evening she was killed corroborated his confession. They had his clothes with her blood. They had the hotel videos.

Van der Sloot received financial aid from his mother (his father died of a heart attack just prior to the Flores murder) and a silly Florida woman enamored with him. He put up a legal battle. However, Van der Sloot again caused the death of a girl with connections. Flores’ father is an well-known Lima businessman; he ran for vice president and president (with no chance of winning). He’s been using his influence to publicize the case and ensure Van der Sloot doesn’t walk.

Last week Joran van der Sloot plead guilty and was sentenced to 28 years in prison. His sentence was reduced by two years for his confession.

(More on Van der Sloot below under Gringo Treatment in Latin American Prisons)

William Trickett Smith II

William Trickett Smith II, Peruana killer #2

William Trickett Smith II AKA “The Suitcase Killer” made Peruvian headlines when the chopped-up body of his Peruvian wife was found in a suitcase just off the coast of Barranco.

Unlike Joran Van der Sloot, William Trickett Smith II is a complete moron. I attribute Van der Sloot’s trafficking Thai women or extorting the Holloway family after evading charges to his being psychotic. Nobody can deny Van der Sloot is intelligent. To get away with that crime, with all the international attention and pressure, took smarts and endurance. Smith, when considering his crime was premeditated and planned, is amazingly stupid.

Note: Smith’s story didn’t receive the attention Van der Sloot’s did. Given the undeveloped news archives of Peruvian media, the lack of press coverage in American media, and the sketchy nature of the sources for the Wikipedia article, the published facts are few and inconsistent. This is an aggregation of what’s consistent across the board.

William Trickett Smith met Jana Claudia Gomez Menendez on the internet. They married some five months later. Major red flag! Five months is very quick to marry someone you met on the internet. Smith was a young, normal-looking young guy from rural Pennsylvania. He looks normal, but for a young guy to get married like that is not normal. He has a screw loose. Gomez, from Trujillo, is gorgeous. For a beautiful girl to marry only five months after meeting online, it can be assumed she was looking to marry a gringo (this USA Today article refers to her as an “Internet bride”).

The couple married in March 2007. Smith still lived in Pennsylvania, returning for only short trips. In July 2007 Gomez left home to meet her husband in Lima. She never returned. Her family contacted Smith. He told them he hadn’t been in Peru. They reported her missing. Smith flew to Peru to appear concerned.

Peruvian police may have already been building a case against Smith when a historic earthquake rocked the region a month later in August 2007. The day after the earthquake a blue suitcase was found on the coast in Barranco. Inside were the dismembered, partially decomposed remains of Gomez. She was identified by a butterfly tattoo on her neck, inspiring the names “La Enigma de la Mariposa” (The Butterfly Mystery) and “El Asesino de la Maleta” (The Suitcase Killer).

A week later William Trickett Smith II was arrested in Pennsylvania for violating his parole. I did a double-take at this. He’d made eleven trips to Peru while on parole. I was on supervised probation for five years. I wasn’t allowed to travel more than one county away from St. Louis (about two hours by car) without permission from my probation officer. Smith went to Peru eleven times without permission.

Smith was on parole for charges of selling cocaine and escaping police.

In searching his family’s house, US authorities found a mountain of evidence including clothes Gomez wore when she left Trujillo, her ID, and his computer with emails detailing his plans. He’d been asking Peruvian friends how to purchase drugs that put people to sleep, how to rent a boat anonymously, how to rent a boat at night, etc. He had her ID! He asked around how to rent a boat anonymously at night!

After reading these emails Peruvian police contacted Monica Cecilia Muñoz Pereda, a Lima girl Smith met online and had an “intimate relationship” with in the months after marrying Gomez. Muñoz told the events of a night when Smith met her in Lima and asked her to go on a boat ride. Smith carried a large blue suitcase, which he said contained work documents. Fifteen minutes into the hired fisherman taking them out to sea, Smith threw the suitcase overboard. He explained it’s an American tradition when finishing an old business to throw all the related documents and clothes into the ocean. He dumped the body in front of two witnesses!

Note: Muñoz and the boat driver were investigated. A grand jury cleared both, Muñoz by majority and the boat driver unanimously.

Already in custody, Smith went back to Pennsylvania state prison for violating his parole. In the meantime Peruvian authorities built their case and requested his extradition. He spent three years locked up in Pennsylvania before being extradited to Peru in August 2010.

William Trickett Smith II returns to Peru as "The Suitcase Killer."

Smith was sent to the same section of the same prison as Joran van der Sloot, just a couple months after Van der Sloot arrived. Last year Smith plead guilty and was sentenced to the maximum 35 years.

Incomprehensible idiocy

William Trickett Smith II planned this murder. For somebody who’d been involved in crime for years – he’d already done state time on drug charges – it’s unbelievable.

He traveled internationally eleven times while on parole. He married a girl just months after meeting her online. After realizing the mistake he made, whether he was embarrassed or enraged, he decided the best way out was to kill her.

Smith emailed Peruvians with questions explicitly related to his plan, leaving behind an e-paper trail and a slew of witnesses. He killed her when her family knew she was with him. His passport stamps and scanned passport ba code would confirm that he was in Peru at the time of her disappearance. He dumped her body in front of two witnesses. He flew back to the States, again stamping his passport on both ends, and told the family he was never in Peru. He kept her clothes and ID.

If this weren’t enough, Smith put her body in a suitcase where it would take years to decompose. Van der Sloot got away with the Holloway death largely because her body was never found. His island friend went far enough out in the sea before dumping her it’d be impossible to find her. The fish and salt water reduced her to nothing precisely because she wasn’t in a suitcase. Smith attached weights to the suitcase so it wouldn’t come up. It was dislodged with the earthquake, which was a tough break for his plan. But did he really think she’d remain un-found forever in a suitcase? This kid’s from the States. He’s seen CSI. Enough of Gomez’s body was still intact after over a month that she was identified by a tattoo. In that amount of time Holloway’s body was surely gone.

I can see why he needed the girl to help rent the boat – he didn’t speak Spanish. Still, instead of leaving two witnesses to your disposing of the body, you assume he’d think of a different plan. OR NOT KILL HER!

Reading between the lines

Pennsylvania authorities questioned how Smith traveled to Peru eleven times in such short time. For where he lived in upstate Pennsylvania, it would cost AT LEAST $11,000. Given his prior charges in the States, I’d bet the house he was hauling cocaine from Peru to Pennsylvania. The degree of stupidity in his plan is indicative of someone who’s awake for days snorting coke. His brain wasn’t resting. His perception of reality was diluted. Or maybe he was just born stupid. But then how did he finance all those trips?

Notable: The Suitcase Killer story in all its details broke in the second half of 2007. I moved to Peru in April 2008, and I’d never heard of Smith until I started researching the Van der Sloot story when he plead last week. I lived in Peru for a year and nobody gave me shit or even mentioned the gringo killer from The Butterfly Mystery just a year prior.

Also notable: William Trickett Smith’s II’s father, William Trickett Smith I, is a former Republican party leader marred by corruption.

Gringo Treatment in Latin American Prisons

The father of Stephany Flores is publicizing the favorable conditions her daughter’s killer enjoys in prison as a gringo with money. This video shows images of Van der Sloot’s 42” LCD television, Blu-Ray 3D DVD player, and iPhone with internet. It also shows his poxy Spanish, which he has plenty of time to improve.

This video’s also a good example of sensationalism in Latin media. The tone, sound effects, and content make Fox News look like the BBC.

Interest in prison conditions for Van der Sloot was sparked when this photo surfaced. An unidentified inmate poses with high profile foreign killers (from left) William Trickett Smith II, unidentified, Colombian sicario Hugo Trujillo Ospina (who killed an established Lima businesswoman), and Joran van der Sloot. They seem to be having a good time.

Van der Sloot was filmed buying marijuana inside the prison (the video’s not published online). He asks for a 5 soles bag. That’s less than $2, just over 3000 Colombian pesos. That’s the smallest bag you can buy on the street in Bogota. You really can’t spend less than 3000 pesos, and he’s getting that price in prison.

You have to understand how prison works in Latin America. Brazilian film Carandiru illustrates how once inside, prison isn’t run by the guards but the inmates. For an extreme example in Hugo Chavez’s gutted Venezuela, see this NY Times video of Margarita Island prison (embedding disabled). They have dancehalls, cock fighting, pools for kids, good food, drugs, whores and conjugal visits, advanced weaponry, and more. A Brit mixed into general population: “This is the best jail in the world.”

That’s how The Mick describes life in La Modelo in the 1980s. He says inside prison was the only time he never ran out of marijuana. There were always drugs, and whores were regularly brought in.

On the other hand I have a correspondence with Christopher K, who’s locked up in a Brazilian prison reserved for foreigners. I asked him to contribute a story but he said not much happens. Not even fights. Everybody was a tourist who got in trouble. They hail from North America, South America, Europe, and Africa. Everywhere but Brazil. Everybody gets free Portuguese classes (see Christopher K stories).

Currently these guys are separated from general populations with documented privileges. I don’t know what will happen later. Van der Sloot’s been sentenced to Piedras Gordas high-security penitentiary. But will he be put in general population? Maybe the Colombian would be OK, but I assume both Joran van der Sloot and William Trickett Smith II wouldn’t last a month in general population before they’re killed. Will they be separated for 30 years though? Is there a section for foreigners? Surely they’ll keep their luxuries.

Peruvian law says that with work or study, all these killers can be let free after half their time served. If they maximize their work/study credit, both Van der Sloot and Smith could be released while still in their forties.

Two Gringo Killers of Peruvian Women

Pictures of Barranco in Lima, Peru

Colin — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 02:10:45 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Pictures of the artsy, bohemian neighborhood just South of Miraflores in Lima, Peru. Included are Bajada de Baños, San Francisco plaza, El Ermito church, Puente de Suspiros, murals, the coastline, residential areas, parks, etc.

For easier viewing see the Barranco, Lima album on the Expat Chronicles FB page. See 2009 murals from Barranco, my 2009 tourism pics from Barranco, or read about my 2009 adventures in Lima.

Pictures of Barranco in Lima, Peru

Pictures of Miraflores in Lima, Peru

Colin — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 03:09:40 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Pictures of the most happenin’ and upscale neighborhood, the heart of Lima, Peru – Miraflores. Included are Kennedy Park, Avenida Larco, Larcomar, the coastline, residential areas, parks, etc.

For easier viewing see the Miraflores, Lima album on the Expat Chronicles FB page. Or read about my 2009 adventures in Lima.

Pictures of Miraflores in Lima, Peru

My War on Drugs Rant

Colin — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 04:04:26 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Narcoterrorism threatened the Colombian government in the 1990s. Now there’s increasing talk of Mexico becoming a failed state. These state enemies are so powerful because of profits from illegal drugs.

In America’s defense, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton admitted the US bears some blame. I’d go further in saying US and European policies bear most blame for Colombian, Mexican, Central American, and increasingly Venezuelan governments falling victim to cocaine cartels. Cartels are so powerful because cocaine profits are astronomical, precisely because of US and European prohibition of drugs.

A gram of cocaine in St. Louis costs $60 IF you know people in the business. If you don’t know anyone you’ll pay $80. In Bogota, I pay $5. By these numbers we can assume the price increases by a factor of ten.

Most businesses, depending on the product, mark up 20%. Domestic drug dealers turn their money over twice or more. I’ve spoken with drug dealers about investing in my legal businesses. They laugh when I promise 10% in 6 months, which is a good return for legal endeavors. But if you’re used to illegal profits, 10% is nothing.

I’ve been offered to mule cocaine to Miami or Spain. Since I’m a bigger guy, I could carry over a kilo. I’ve been offered $8000 plus the flight. That only adds $10 to the price per gram, and international traffickers’ costs are much lower than the $5 charged in the Colombian streets. So what explains the $50 – 100 prices seen in the streets of St. Louis?

Once the mule gets the dope into the US, somebody needs to pick it up. They sell it to local wholesalers, who sell it to street-level drug dealers. Each of these workers at every step in the supply chain faces stiff prison sentences according to US law. Here’s a chart of mandatory minimum sentences:

28 g crack or 500 g powder cocaine – 5 years
280 g crack or 5,000 g powder cocaine – 10 years

These figures were recently adjusted after the Fair Sentencing Act, in which the disparity in quantity of crack vs. powder resulted in blacks receiving higher sentences because they’re more likely to deal in crack, was signed into law in 2010 by Barack Obama.

Still, 28 g of crack or 500 g of powder is not much. It’s a lot if you’re not in the industry. But if you do and you aspire to grow, a half a kilo is easily attainable. Getting caught with that means 5 years in prison. If you get to the point where you’re only selling 1/4, 1/2, or whole kilos, you’d easily have 5 kilos on hand, which would get you a 10 year mandatory minimum.

For this business to be worth the risk, sellers need to earn a lot of money.

According to Michael Reid‘s Forgotten Continent:

[A]n economist at the University of Maryland, has pointed out, prices at each stage in the long chain that turns a coca leaf on an Andean hillside into a gram of cocaine on the streets of the Bronx or the City of London are determined mainly by the need to reward risk-taking, rather than the cost of production. That is why the price of a kilo of pure cocaine (measured in relation to its equivalent in coca leaf) rises by a factor of roughly 200 times between the coca farm and the street. Most of the increase occurs once cocaine has entered the United States or Europe – because law enforcement is tighter and risk is thus higher. So even if repression in the producer countries succeeds in increasing leaf prices, this has little effect on cocaine prices.

The high profits are solely due to criminal risk faced in developed countries. If cartels can establish operations inside those countries (which they do), they get even more of those profits. That’s how they can acquire immense wealth to corrupt police and law enforcement officials, as well as challenge their national governments.

Mexico, Colombia, Peru, and increasingly Central America and Venezuela bear the brunt of America’s and Europe’s stiff drug policy.

Everybody Gets High

The vast majority of people get high. A tiny minority don’t drink or indulge in any conscious-altering substance like cigarettes or coffee. But most who don’t consider themselves “drug users” get high on legal drugs like alcohol, Percoset, Vicodin, Ambien, Oxycontin, Valium, Tramadol, Adderall, Xanax, codeine, and more. If you use any of those, don’t lie to yourself. You get high.

What’s the difference between those listed above and this list: cocaine, ecstasy, heroin, marijuana, meth? The first list is legal and backed by the big pharm lobby.

What’s the difference between Oxycontin and heroin? Oxycontin’s legal.

What’s the difference between Adderall and ecstasy? Adderall’s legal and actually preferred by rolling aficionados.

What’s one difference between Tylenol and Percoset or Vicodin? NFL players pop the latter two daily.

Altering consciousness is human nature. Why are some prohibited and others allowed?

Big Business Lobbying

Alcohol companies, including my former employer Anheuser-Busch, stand to lose sales if people could get high on other drugs than alcohol.

Pharmaceutical companies, along with alcohol, pose political opposition to legalization of medical marijuana. They’d sell less pills if people could smoke.

Prison guard unions wield immense power in California. If there are less people locked up, there will be less guards and thus a smaller union with less revenue. It’s in their interest to lock up as many as possible.

Victims of the War on Drugs

First and foremost, the real victims of the war on drugs are producer countries like Colombia. Without cocaine profits, the narco-guerrilla organization FARC would’ve been defeated long ago, as Sendero Luminoso in Peru was. Producers with operations in developed countries turn their money over 700% and higher. The limited resources of developed countries aren’t sufficient to combat that.

American organized crime was strongest during Prohibition. Regardless of legislation, people got drunk. It created huge profits and power for bootleggers. It’s the same with drugs. People are going to get high, regardless of the law. Its illegality creates powerful crime syndicates. The modern day bootleggers threaten the Andean and Central American countries.

Other victims of the War on Drugs are the huge number Americans being locked up:

The United States leads the world in the number of people incarcerated in federal and state correctional facilities. There are currently more than 2 million people in American prisons or jails. Approximately one-quarter of those people held in U.S. prisons or jails have been convicted of a drug offense. The United States incarcerates more people for drug offenses than any other country. With an estimated 6.8 million Americans struggling with drug abuse or dependence, the growth of the prison population continues to be driven largely by incarceration for drug offenses. source

“We have created an American gulag,” – said former drug czar Barry McCaffrey.

Most drug dealers I know aren’t hardened criminals. They’re simply risk takers. They have a higher propensity for risk given the reward. A great example is recently released Los Angeles-based cocaine kingpin Ricky Ross. If you hear Ricky Ross in interviews, especially The Last White Hope, you’ll hear an intelligent, well-spoken man who took advantage of a lucrative opportunity. If it weren’t for that opportunity, I don’t doubt he’d have excelled in any endeavor he chose.

The Last White Hope is a critical documentary on the American War on Drugs. I don’t buy its conspiracy theory that the drug Prohibition’s aim is to incarcerate African-Americans. But it’s inarguable that blacks are over-represented in prisons. Blacks aside, too many people of all colors are locked up. The United States has the highest incarceration rate in the world.

Watch American Drug War: The Last White Hope in its entirety on YouTube.

No Easy Solution

Nothing I’ve said here is new. Fortunately American opinion toward marijuana has shifted sharply. Possession of high quantities of marijuana is a misdemeanor in many states.

However, cocaine is the insanely profitable drug that destabilizes Latin America. I applaud Colombian president Juan Manuel Santos for publicly suggesting the world open the debate on legalization (good debate in that link’s comments). I was proud to see the US ambassador concur.

Legalization may go too far. Nobody wants crack and heroin sold at 7-11. But the mandatory minimum sentences have to go. They drive the price and profits up, which destabilize producing and transporting countries. Some form of decriminalization is needed.

There’s no easy solution because the American people won’t tolerate the level of drug addiction seen in Bogota. I’m one of few decriminalization proponents who will argue the obvious: drug use WILL GO UP if decriminalized. Use will also rise if the price drops.

In broad daylight I’ve seen bazuceros smoke crack in Chapinero, a middle class Bogota neighborhood. Americans won’t accept that. Hence, there’s no easy solution or we would’ve found it. But there must be a compromise because too many Americans are getting locked up and dangerous Latin American instability will continue because of developed countries’ demand for cocaine.

My War on Drugs Rant

Peruvian Naturals Maca on Taobao in China

Colin — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 01:46:08 +0000

Expat Chronicles

I import the Peruvian Naturals herbal supplement line from Peru into the United States. I sell Maca, Cat’s Claw, Camu Camu, Dragon’s Blood, Yacon, and Concha de Nacar con Baba de Caracol on Amazon.com.

My good friend Charles in China has just introduced Peruvian Naturals Maca, the best seller, in the Chinese market. He’s selling it on Taobao (Chinese Amazon).

I studied international business. The World is Flat by Thomas Friedman opened my eyes about the new globalized world. I moved to South America to do international business in an emerging market. So gaining product distribution in the world’s second largest economy is an achievement I’m proud of.

So, men interested in increasing your sex drive? Take Maca. Maca’s effect on hormones actually helps menopausal women as well, it eliminates their hot flashes and boosts energy.

Buy Maca from Peru in China on Taobao.

在中国，淘宝上买玛卡.

Peruvian Naturals Maca on Taobao in China

Peruvian Naturals and Export Services

Colin — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 03:40:33 +0000

Expat Chronicles

This is the fourth in a series detailing how I make money and what I call ‘work’.

Alternate Title: Real World International Marketing

Before finishing my MBA I decided to work in Latin America. My intent in going back to grad school was to enter the consulting industry. However, I realized I had little chance coming out of UMSL. Those firms want Ivy League or comparable b-schools, not city branches of state schools.

More because I didn’t know what else to do, I chose to get international experience. Worst-case scenario: I’d spend a couple years abroad, fail, come back, and go back to hunting consulting jobs looking much better with international experience.

I looked for any marketing job anywhere in Latin America. I applied to jobs in Mexico, Brazil, Argentina, Colombia, Peru. I even applied to a job in Venezuela, which I thank God I didn’t get.

I was offered a business development position in Arequipa, Peru with health and personal care firm Laboratorios Portugal. They’re a giant in Peru, a local Proctor & Gamble competing with big multinationals on price. They have a decent chunk of the Peruvian market in an array of categories. If you visited Peru and bought something at a pharmacy, chances are you bought a Portugal product.

The company wanted to enter gringo markets with their traditional Latino products, and they wanted a gringo MBA with a marketing background willing to live in Peru to help them do it. Sound familiar?

Their natural product line was their first choice to sell in America and Europe. Others could be competitive, but the natural herbal supplements from the Andes Mountains and Amazon rain forest were unique enough to make an immediate impact. These products have been used by indigenous Peruvians for generations – since before the Spanish arrived.

I spent my first two weeks learning about the products: Maca, Cat’s Claw (uña de gato), Camu Camu, Dragon’s Blood (sangre de grado), Yacon, and Valerian Root. I read marketing bullshit from other Maca producers and clinical studies from scientific journals. I looked at how the products were being marketed in regards to pricing and packaging.

After getting a feel for the industry, I decided to create a new brand. The Portugal name, which carries weight in Peru, meant nothing in America. The packaging from 2008 wouldn’t have a chance in the US. Not only was it in Spanish, it was ugly. I’d later learn that not only was it in Spanish and ugly, it would \be illegal according to FDA Labeling Guidelines for Dietary Supplements.

I suspected that consumers had no idea why to take any of these product. I was a health-conscious, supplement-taking guy and I’d never heard of Maca before getting the job. If someone saw these bottles on the shelf, why would she buy them? I decided this new brand’s label should clearly explain what that product does.

I proposed the concept for the new brand to management. They liked the idea. We settled on the name “Peruvian Naturals,” which I’ve since realized is a mistake in case I ever want to add products from outside Peru. Also, it can’t be trademarked because the words are too generic.

I worked with graphic arts in developing a green, natural, organic brand. They elected to put Machu Picchu in the logo, which was cool. I wanted the yellow box at the bottom of the label’s face to SHOUT, in just a few words, why to take the product. The headline, if you will. To the right of the face is a more in-depth explanation (2 paragraphs).

On the left of the label is required legal speak, also known as US FDA Labeling Guidelines for Dietary Supplements. The 1984 bipartisan Hatch-Waxman Act simplified the process for generic pharmaceuticals and dietary supplements to gain market access. The US is more open than other countries in that you don’t need the FDA to approve your product or packaging prior to selling (no dreadful registro process in Latin America). On the other hand, the US is strict about the layout and health claims on your packaging.

See the Peruvian Naturals Maca label. Here’s a short list off the top of my head that FDA labeling requires:

Face must say “Dietary Supplement.”
Face must say # units (100 Tablets) and quantity of ingredient in each unit (800mg). There are also rules governing font size for this info.
Country of origin required if imported.
“These statements have not been evaluated …” – this disclaimer must be present verbatim if there are any claims not verified by FDA, which are everything except common knowledge like Vitamin C boosts the immune system or diets low in cholesterol reduce risk of heart disease.
The SUPPLEMENT FACTS box on the left is mandatory for supplements (“Nutrition Facts” for food labels). If any primary nutrients, vitamins, or minerals are mentioned on the packaging, they must be listed here in quantity and % RDI (Recommended Daily Intake). For example, Maca contains trace proteins and amino acids. If I say that anywhere on the label, I’d have to put in the SUPPLEMENT FACTS box that for each one tablet serving there are 0g and 0% your RDI of protein. Nutrients and vitamins that must be listed in quantity if mentioned at all include Total Fat, Saturated Fat, Cholesterol, Sodium, Carbohydrates, Sugars, Fiber, Protein, Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Calcium, and Iron.
“Other Ingredients” – You must list product excipients (all-natural Microcrystallized Cellulose and Shellac in Maca). Excipients are the substances used to stick powder together into a pill. Listing these isn’t required in Peru or Colombia.

US policy in protecting consumers from dubious marketers focuses on claims, which can be health claims, nutrient content claims, or structure/function claims. The last is easiest to manipulate. Click for an intro into label claims rules in all their glory. Here’s what I remember as important NOT TO SAY if you don’t want to receive a letter from the FDA instructing you to change your packaging or take your inventory off the market:

any of these words: cancer, cardiovascular disease, heart disease, diabetes, hypertension
any words associated with the words above (e.g. ‘tumor’ or ‘blood sugar’)
the word “antioxidant” if you haven’t listed in the Supplement Facts box the quantity of an FDA-recognized antioxidant like Vitamin C

It’s more complicated but I doubt you care this much. Compliant with my marketing goals and FDA labeling guidelines, we created this new brand:

Now it was time to sell. I’ve focused on Amazon.com, one of the world’s most competitive online markets. Here’s a product-by-product breakdown for my line with description and performance status.

Maca – “Optimizes energy and hormone function”

Maca‘s sales volume outnumbers the rest of the line combined. It’s marketed and mostly known as a men’s sexual enhancement pill, but the most enthusiastic testimonials come from menopausal women. Maca is also the most abused by dishonest marketers, from whom I’ve read absolute lies told and claimed about Maca. The worst two offenders I’ll never forget are (1) Maca increases testosterone levels in men (studies specifically show it doesn’t) and (2) much of the Maca on the market is grown outside the Andes Mountains and isn’t effective (Maca only grows in the Andes so that is completely fucking made up.) All marketers are liars.

Here’s my label copy for Peruvian Naturals Maca:

The Maca plant is grown at the extreme altitude of 12,000 – 15,000 ft in the Andes Mountains of Peru, where only alpine grasses and bitter potatoes survive. The Maca root has been used for at least 2000 years by the indigenous people of the region for energy, stamina, and fertility. Incan warriors ate Maca before battles for energy. When Peru was established as a Spanish colony, Spaniards noticed their livestock were not reproducing in the high altitudes. After the indigenous showed the Spaniards that feeding Maca to their animals boosted fertility, Maca was accepted as a currency to pay taxes.
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Research shows that Maca affects the endocrine system via the pituitary gland in both men and women. The improved function of the endocrine system results in a higher sperm count and quality of sperm in males and general fertility in females. Maca is an adaptogen, a natural product that adapts to the age and gender of the user and affects them accordingly. Maca is also used for moderating hot flashes and mood swings in menopausal women given its function in regulating hormone levels.

Peruvian Naturals Maca dominated the competition on Amazon from the start. It’s long been the second result in an Amazon search for ‘maca’, and the top product result in pill form. Sales are up to ~15 bottles / day at $9.99. I’ve sold ~4,000 units since mid 2009. I attribute Peruvian Naturals Maca’s success to two factors: the 800mg tablet and (of course) the attractive packaging.

The other Maca pills are 500mg tablets or capsules. Anybody who does their homework on Maca knows you need to take 1500 – 3000mg every day for two weeks. The 1500mg threshold is reached with only two of my tablets, but you need three of the others.

Peruvian Naturals Maca is not the least expensive. It has the high-end position. And for those consumers, packaging matters. My main competition have boring, generic-looking labels nobody with bread would want seen in their medicine cabinet.

Last year I introduced Peruvian Naturals Maca powder to try to go after the #1 spot on Amazon.

Buy Peruvian Naturals Maca on Amazon (use that link and I pay less to Amazon).

Cat’s Claw – “Supports the immune system”

Cat’s Claw was my second big hope after Maca because it had substantive research supporting its antioxidant and anti-inflammatory effects. Unfortunately because of the FDA, I couldn’t say much on the label. I pushed the envelope by using “immune system” with no problems yet.

Label copy:

Cat’s Claw is a woody vine found in the tropical rainforests of South America. The name derives from the small curved-back spines on the stem at the leaf juncture which resemble the claws of a cat. The bark of the vine was traditionally brewed into a tea.
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Cat’s Claw’s wide variety of phytochemicals makes it a powerful supplement to support the immune system. In addition, it promotes an anti-inflammatory response and specifically decreases inflammation around the bones and joints. Research has shown Cat’s Claw to support bone marrow, promote cardiovascular health, and detoxify the colon. One extract of Cat’s Claw has been shown to boost DNA repair. Enhanced DNA repair can result in immune stimulation and anti-inflammation.

Although only 10% of Maca sales, Cat’s Claw has been strong. Summer 2010 volume climbed to over a bottle a day. So I ordered a big inventory and then sales returned to normal. Oh well, it’s selling. Uña de Gato in Spanish, Cat’s Claw is one of the few Peruvian natural supplements well-known in Colombia.

Buy Peruvian Naturals Cat’s Claw on Amazon (use that link and I pay less to Amazon).

Camu Camu – “Natural Vitamin C supplement”

Camu Camu was, and still is, my personal dark horse because it’s virtually unknown but has a definite benefit. The Camu Camu berry has the highest concentration of Vitamin C in the world. So it’s a natural alternative to the sour-ass synthetic Vitamin C pills created in test tubes. While chemistss Vitamin C pills may contain 1,000% of your RDI, Camu Camu powder packs a respectable 83% when considering there are limits to what the body can absorb.

Camu Camu is a thorny bush deep in the Amazon. It’s a pain in the ass to harvest, making it expensive. It costs me almost twice what the others do, but I retail it for just 30% more.

Label copy:

The bushy Camu Camu tree is native to the lush Amazon rainforest. The Camu Camu fruit is a red berry slightly larger than a grape. The Camu Camu berry was not widely used in the past because it is extremely sour – more so than a lemon or lime.
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The Camu Camu berry has, at 2 – 3% of its weight, the highest Vitamin C concentration of any natural food in the world. It also contains significant amounts of other vitamins including niacin, phosphorus, potassium, riboflavin, thiamine, and amino acids including leucine, serine, and valine. Camu Camu is a super-food. Camu Camu can be taken as a defense against sickness with its Vitamin C, to fight free radicals with its strong antioxidant properties, or as an overall vitamin supplement to a healthy diet. Camu Camu is the best natural source of Vitamin C on the planet.

Buy Peruvian Naturals Camu Camu on Amazon (currently out of stock, damn Peruvians’ fault).

Dragon’s Blood – “Improves gastrointestinal health”

At this point I’ve only introduced Maca, Cat’s Claw, and Camu Camu. I’m bringing in Dragon’s Blood next month. I refrained in the past because the clinical research didn’t convince me of much. It had great used topically as a lotion or ointment, but less so ingested. But it’s got a market, and I have a selling platform. So I’m starting with a small order to see how it does.

Label copy:

Dragon’s Blood refers to the bright red tree sap that is obtained from the croton lechleri plant. Use of Dragon’s Blood dates back to the 17th century, when South American tribes used it externally to heal wounds and internally for digestion problems.
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Clinical research shows Dragon’s Blood to be effective in for digestion and diarrhea. It is a rich source of proanthocyanidins which provide a wide range of health benefits similar to the flavonoids found in red wine, cranberry, green tea, etc. Dragon’s Blood also has an anti-inflammatory effect and, when applied topically, helps repair skin tissue for cuts, rashes, and bites.

Will be available on Amazon by May 2011.

Yacon – “Maintains healthy blood sugar”

Yacon is the product I had the least amount of faith in. Yacon syrup has a great use for diabetics because it’s basically sugar-free, so a natural sweetener like Stevia. So Yacon built a reputation as good for diabetics. Why people thought taking Yacon in pill form is beyond me. I haven’t figured it out, but I’ll throw a hundred bottles at the market and see if they move. The “Blood Sugar” on this label is at high risk of getting nixed by the FDA.

Label copy:

The Yacon plant is native to the Andes Mountains. The Yacon root, which can look like a cross between a potato and a carrot, tastes sweet with a fibrous texture. On long journeys, Incas would dig up and eat Yacon to quench their thirst.
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The Yacon root and its syrup are popular because it is very sweet but its inulin is indigestible as a sugar. Inulin passes through the digestive tract intact, only metabolizing by bacteria in the colon. As a soluble fibre, Yacon is a functional food and contains prebiotics – indigestible food ingredients that beneficially affect the host by selectively stimulating the growth and / or activity of one or a limited number of bacteria in the colon, and thus improving host health. It is also rich in calcium.

Will be available on Amazon by May 2011.

Valerian Root – “Natural sleep aid, anti-stress”

Valerian Root is a natural sleeping pill. It works great. Unfortunately Valerian grows throughout the world. It’s nothing new. The market’s saturated. Some products on Amazon retail for less than what I’d pay FOB Peru. I haven’t decided if I’ll ever introduce a Peruvian Naturals Valerian Root.

Label copy:

Valerian root has been used throughout the world as a natural sedative and muscle relaxant used to improve sleep quality. Valerian Root has mild antidepressant properties that affect receptors in the brain with no mood-altering or psychomotor / cognitive effects when taken in moderation. More recently, it has been shown to combat aging effects on the brain and neurodegenerative disorders by saving neurons when the brain is under chronic stress.

Chanca Piedra – “Alleviates kidney stones and cleanses intestinal toxins”

The Peruvian supplier wasn’t making Chanca Piedra when I worked there. They only introduced it after I left for Colombia. Chanca Piedra came on my radar because of the volume it seems to be doing on Amazon and eBay. I immediately developed a label and ordered a good stock to launch on Amazon. It’s my big hope. I think it has the potential to do 3 – 4 bottles / day.

Label copy:

Chanca Piedra, known as Stone Breaker in English, literally translates to ‘crushes rocks’. It’s a one- to two-foot plant that grows in tropical areas. It’s been long-used by indigenous people of the Amazon rain forest to treat kidney stones. Urologists have shown that Chanca Piedra normalizes levels of calcium in the urine. High urine calcium contributes to kidney stone growth.
-
Pharmacologists discovered in Chanca Piedra a wide variety of phytochemicals, flavonoids, alkaloids, terpenoids, lignans, polyphenols, tannins, coumarins and saponins. With these bioactive agents Chanca Piedra could combat a number of afflictions including kidney stones, hypertension, Hepatitis B, and chemical-driven liver damage.

Available on Amazon June 2011.

Peruvian Naturals, Reflections and Moving Forward

Since going independent when I moved to Bogota, the Peruvian Naturals business has been inarguably crucial in ensuring I don’t have to get a “real job.” I owe my survival for the last two years to this recurring income. I just updated the website, http://peruvian-naturals.com/, which is now my first e-commerce site. Quantity deals at wholesale prices.

I’ve also found brokers in China and Ireland to sell in those markets. I’ll get 10% commission out of the supplier’s end on those deals. Coming soon…

Exports have been so good to me I’ve decided to focus my career on export marketing and, ultimately, broker services for Latin American companies looking to sell in the US and Europe. I’ll do exactly what I did for Peruvian Naturals:

portfolio and packaging translation
branding and product development for gringo consumer
web development if needed
importing and bringing inventory through US customs
brokering through current sales platform

I’ve been hunting for Colombian products: coffee, flowers, chocolate, anything. This year I’ll start approaching companies here to offer the same thing I did for the Peruvian firm. I launched colinpost.net primarily to publicize info on my export services (in English and Spanish).

I’ve already found a Colombian product with potential that fits with my product line. I take caffeine pills before my strength training workouts for extra energy, focus, and alertness. I asked at a local pharmacy and they gave me ground coffee tablets. These are natural caffeine pills, which I don’t believe exist in America. The product as is requires just as much tweaking (if not more) than the Peruvian Naturals line, but I now know it’s possible and profitable.

This is the third part of my series detailing how I make money and what I call ‘work’. In my two years since going independent, I’ve been struggling to survive. You can keep Expat Chronicles alive by donating through PayPal. Thanks!

Peruvian Naturals and Export Services

English Language Industry in Latin America

Colin — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 01:56:15 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Alternate Title: Bogota English Immersions FAIL

This is the second of my series detailing how I make money and what I call ‘work’.

I moved to Bogota from Arequipa, Peru in April 2009. The plan was to go entrepreneur and start businesses in Latin America. I planned to teach English part-time for as long as I needed the extra money.

I lived in Peru on a 90-day tourist visa. You can leave the country every ninety days and come right back for a new tourist visa. I know a woman who did that for six years before marrying a Peruvian. Colombia doesn’t allow that, I learned after arriving. The most you can spend in country on a tourist visa is six months per calendar year. So not only did I have to teach English because I needed money, I had to get a work visa as well. In a week I had a job at an institute that sponsors work visas.

I titled this post “… in Latin America” because my take on the English industry applies to all of Latin America (I think). However (I think) it’s more relevant for Latin American capitals and big business hubs: Bogota, Lima, BA, DF, Sao Paolo, Rio, Santiago, etc. A gringo in Medellin told me there isn’t much demand for English teachers there. I don’t know how true that is, but I know multinationals put their local offices in capitals. And the gringo managers who pay for their Latino staff to take English classes are the bread and butter for gringos surviving on teaching English. (Most of my students have their classes subsidized by gringolandia.) Some of these offices manage company operations throughout Latin America.

My institute caters to Colombian professionals at multinationals. I’m a hot commodity because of my corporate experience, my MBA, my being an Economist addict and devourer of business texts. The institute started me out a little higher (27,000 pesos / hour) than most. Professors (at universities and elite high schools) and freelancers make more, but I’ve met some teachers who make a disturbing 10,000 – and get no work visa! I’ve also met teachers who couldn’t speak English – in Peru and Colombia.

Institutes like mine send us, the teachers, to the students at their offices. These corporate warriors don’t have time to go to a classroom. The classes come to them at the office, before or after their work day. Classes are small, four at most.

It wasn’t long before I realized I was good at teaching English. This doesn’t mean my students speak better than if they’d studied under a different teacher. It means they continued taking classes – a critical success factor in the English language industry.

The last thing these professionals want is to wake up at 5am – or stay at the office two extra hours after the workday – to sit in a boring English class. My classes are not boring. I’m outgoing. I like to laugh and have fun. Even if I get straight-laced engineers or accountants, I get them to open up and laugh every day.

On the other hand, I’ve met English teachers I couldn’t listen to for ten minutes – much less for two hours three times a week. My institute director has had trouble replacing me. Because he sometimes has to juggle teachers’ schedules to accommodate new students, students have protested when I left. Once Institute Director gave my class to an uptight Kraut chick, and those students quit showing up. Classes discontinued.

The American accent is a commodity. I know at least once Institute Director took me out of one class for another which specifically asked for an American teacher.

Obviously, native English speakers are valued higher than non-natives. Institute Director can’t give a Colombian teacher to an advanced class. The higher levels’ most important needs are understanding native English talk and interacting with confidence. If there’s a Spanish accent or rhythm in a teacher’s voice, they’re only good for students learning the basics. Institute Director, a Colombian who lived in the US for almost ten years, couldn’t teach these classes. Some Latinos speak good enough English to teach any level, but having a name like Carlos or Carolina taints them in the customer’s mind.

Non-native speakers from Northern Europe can trick people. They come off as native speakers. The Dutch, the Germans, the countries of Scandinavia, all these people speak excellent English. They look like us. I once heard a Danish guy, who was CELTA-certified, explain something about English that I didn’t know. They’re often just as competent of teachers. And though they certainly lack the natural rhythm of us natives, I don’t think Colombians can tell the difference between them and us. It’s just weird when I can’t pronounce their names. Ulrich?

Enticing students to continue classes is a small part of the key success factor in the English language industry: sales. While Institute Director couldn’t teach advanced classes, he can sell. And sell he does.

Here’s my pimps and whores analogy: Institutes are pimps who sell time for teachers, the whores. Teachers able to sell their own classes can break away from their pimp institutes and make more money independently. Cut out the middleman. The willingness and ability to sell are what separates institute teachers who make less and independent teachers who make more.

One point to cover in every English language product sales pitch (especially to HR departments buying for corporate staff) is ‘metodología’. People want to know your methodology in bringing them to English fluency as fast as possible. English sales reps pile it on. Institute Director is an expert. He emphasizes all four English skills (Listening, Speaking, Reading, Writing) while flashing expensive course material, official-looking progress reports, and other bells and whistles.

The minutia detailed in the progress reports always amazed me, which must be filled out monthly. I’ve never read an entire progress report I filled out. Here’s a sample progress report I did. The original file was so big I had to delete little graphics and flare so the pdf would fit into this WordPress blog’s max media size of 2MB.

The more experience I get teaching English, the more my idea for methodology comes down to one thing: quantity. Practice practice practice. The rest is smoke and mirrors. The total number of hours spent using the language is the most important step to proficiency.

Bogota English Immersions

Of course my good friend The Mick was around to hear my diatribes about the business, and he watched me come to an understanding of the industry almost equal to his. He’s been teaching freelance since getting out of prison in 1989. He’s taught corporate warrior and upper-class students for over twenty years. His classes are similar to mine. He’s also outgoing, always joking around, and students like him. His classes are pure conversation (you’d know he couldn’t teach reading or writing if you’d read his contributions from The Michelin Man Goes to Jail). He’s also an expert at getting students to continue taking classes.

Responding to my ideas on quantity, The Mick mentioned Richard Morgan Stewart and English immersions. Richard Morgan Stewart is an American who’s been in Bogota over thirty years. He’s built a strong brand name hosting English immersions in Chia (advertising in the upscale Cromos magazine). The idea of an immersion is for the student to get outside the city for a weekend in a pure English environment. In just two days the student gains ~30 hours of English, which would take six weeks with classes.

A true immersion would be what I’ve been living the last three years, or The Mick for the last twenty-five. But if you can’t move to the States or another English-speaking country, the only way you’ll dramatically improve is taking immersions at home.

The Mick proposed launching an immersion business together. I have the reading and writing skills combined with a Business English class, and he’s the conversation expert. I can draw up proposals and build websites. He has twenty-five years of professional contacts to sell to. The idea seemed great. We should be able to compete with institutes because we were the sales reps and teachers, so no overhead or middlemen.

We designed a program called Bogota English Immersions. We’d charge two million pesos ($1000) for two students, which includes all food and top-notch accommodations in a quiet pueblo. The Mick said Richard Morgan Stewart was charging in the neighborhood of one million per student per day, or more, so we deliberately priced below him. I built the Bogota English Immersions website and put together a proposal (English and Spanish versions). The Mick made a list of all his contacts. We planned our sales strategy.

We executed the sales strategy. For almost a year, The Mick and I stormed into corporate offices along Calle 72 and in the north pitching our English immersions. The Mick, who spent the last twenty-five years an alcoholic among the underworld of Bogota by night, taught English to and kept contact with top professionals in Colombia by day. We visited offices like Microsoft, Juniper, Cisco, Sagem, Nestle, Merck, Sony, 3M, Telefonica-Movistar, and more. I’ve been in Colombia’s stock exchange building over a dozen times. The top bosses all know The Mick.

FAIL

We stoked serious interest in the top managers of GHL Hoteles, a Colombian hotel management firm that’s starting to feel serious heat from multinationals like Hilton and Marriott. We made tentative plans that never happened. The managers became too busy and the line was dropped. When we didn’t get a deal in the first half of 2010, I decided to spend the summer in STL working for dollars.

In St. Louis I realized how much I don’t like teaching English. I’m good at it, but I don’t like it. I didn’t miss it at all.

Aside from a distaste for teaching English, my reservations deepened about starting a business with The Mick, a career criminal and liar. I was skeptical in the early stages, but I always saw this business as something casual. If we could get a deal to make 700,000 pesos each, I’d go out and teach an intensive weekend. But dealing with The Mick isn’t always easy. He can be a pain in the ass, heatedly arguing details that have nothing to do with the success or failure of the idea.

I grew cold on passion and confidence. I quit.

English Sales

Long after quitting, I decided to recruit the help of Institute Director. If anybody could sell this idea, he could. I’d hidden this business from him thus far (aside from being on the first page of Google searches for English immersions in Bogota). I decided to tell him about it and see what he thought.

I approached him on the pretext of wanting to move out of teaching and into sales. This isn’t a false pretext. I’d rather sell (if he needed help) for commissions than teach any more classes. I could even keep the same work visa. Institute Director jumped at my idea. He plans to bring me with him to a sales call at Avianca this month. After he sees how I do, I’ll negotiate my commission.

After telling him I was interested in sales, I told him about the English immersions The Mick and I’d been trying to sell. Institute Director would love to sell those together, but he had major tweaks to the program. The bottom line, according to him, was one million pesos per student ($500) is way too high. He said for that price Colombians can take an English immersion program in San Andres, the mostly-black, Protestant, English-speaking paradise island in Colombia.

Institute Director added that if a Colombian is making 12 million pesos a month ($6000), he’s spending 15 million. He went on about social class, status, and Colombian culture, and how gomelos will spend everything on Mercedes and Tommy Hilfiger to maintain that image, but cut corners on things like learning English. It’s rare to get a Colombian to open up like that. For me it was a wake-up call why The Mick and I never got a deal.

Institute Director wants to offer an immersion priced at 390,000 per student ($200), and he’s currently planning the program. He wants me to sell it with him. I told him for 390,000 per student including accommodations, I definitely wouldn’t be willing to teach these immersions. But I’ll sell them. My aim here is to move from the teaching side of the business to the sales side. Because if I’m going to be in the industry at all …

Re: English Sales

Being a gringo is a clear advantage in selling English products. There’s no greater testimony to the quality of the English than having the product pitched by one of us. I knew a Colombian-American guy my first year here who started a small school. He wanted me to work with him, specifically going to sales calls. I think he just wanted me for my blue eyes, accent, and obvious gringo-ness. Without that, it’s more difficult for him to stand out from the competition.

Unless you’re moving down here with a multinational, it’s difficult not to be in the English language industry. I was just telling a fellow American, who moved here quite recently, that it’s inevitable he’ll teach English at some point. He hit me up on Facebook that same night with this:

thank for jinxing me on the english teaching you had not been gone 5 minutes when i was approached to teach english … i am charging 30.000 … i want about 5 students an hour from 7 to 11 now that would be good easy money until i start throwing things at them

I’d never sold a class before starting the immersion business. I didn’t care to before and I still don’t. The 15 hours / week I get from the institute is more than I want to teach.

Even with this attitude, I sold my first independent class two weeks ago. The Mick has a student at the Bogota office of a Japanese technology firm. This student has an employee that MUST learn English ASAP because of new policies coming down from Tokyo. All new policies and procedures are coming down the pipe in English. The boss’s English is good enough to understand, but he doesn’t want his employee’s work dumped on him. He needs an English teacher who can understand this material – a Business English teacher – to help his employee complete documents and implement new policy.

I just sat quiet the entire time in the meeting, listening, while the boss put all the pressure on my new student, who I now have class with three mornings a week for two hours each. They’re paying 150% of my monthly rent for six hours a week.

If you’re trying to survive down here, teaching English offers easy money. Check out the You Can Teach English interview with me from 2010.

If you’re NOT looking for easy money then start a blog. After almost three years of writing and managing Expat Chronicles, I just received a donation via PayPal that put the site into the black. In other words, this cherished reader covered three years of hosting costs. You can donate too

English Language Industry in Latin America

Weightlifting in Latin America

Colin — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 06:37:04 +0000

Expat Chronicles

I prefer life in Latin America. However, not everything’s better. Weightlifting is frustrating. The culture isn’t as developed in Latin America. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Muscle Beach, and Pumping Iron made it mainstream in America only a generation ago. It diffuses to other countries later. Here’s the kind of stuff you see.

In Latin America, you typically see guys benching a bar with 25s on each side (95lbs), sometimes even less.

One time I was warming up to squat with 135lbs (one 45lb plate on each side). One of the gym trainers made me put clamps on it. I’ve seen guys put clamps on the bar of a Smith bench-press machine.

At a downtown Bogota gym there was a guy doing tricep kickbacks while standing in a squat rack. A lot of Americans do tricep kickbacks, but you should get slapped for doing them standing in / holding a squat rack.

I saw a guy benching 245 for a couple forced reps – with four 25lb plates on each side of the bar. I’ve also seen guys do this while squatting on the Smith machine – loading it with four 25s. I assume they’re trying to make it look like more than two 45s. Geeks.

There’s this tool at a Colombian gym who loads up the leg press until it can’t fit any more 45s, then has a little Colombian guy sit on the platform. It always attracts a crowd. The guy who does all this weight doesn’t weigh more than 170lbs. I never see him squat. His entire range of motion spans only a few inches, and his knees never bend to a 90 degree angle. Besides being a generally pussy exercise, the leg press is also the easiest to cheat (proof for those points, watch Pat Robertson “leg pressing” 2000 pounds).

FAKE! (Read why, and remember leg pressing is gay.)

While deadlifting, a gym owner scolded me for how the weights hit the floor. I was only doing 225, and I wasn’t dropping the bar. He insisted everything be set down gently. After that day, I had to stop the weight with the bar at my knees, and set the weight down without a sound. This is not only impossible for heavier weight, it’s also dangerous. I’m worried I’m going to injure myself while trying not to make noise in this guy’s pussy ass gym.

Most gyms have third- and fourth-hand equipment from the States – stuff that was used in the 70s. There’s this one machine I’ve seen in Colombia and Peru, but never in America. I assume it’s gone extinct for being worthless. You stand on a spinning platform and hold two handles, twisting your torso side to side while holding your upper body straight. It appears to work oblique abdominals. It’s really popular. There’s always somebody on it. Dumb asses.

The worst exercise I’ve ever seen, I see often. It’s worse that mostly men do it. They get down on their knees, bending over holding on to a bench. They hold the dumbbell (little guys from 10 – 20 pounds) in between their calf and hamstring in the underside of their knee, the knee-pit if you will. Then they flex the glute to bring that leg parallel with their body and the floor. A glute isolation movement. It’s like the butt-blaster machine with a dumbbell. An American man wouldn’t be seen doing that in a public gym.

Of regular weightlifters in South America, the vast majority wear gloves. Mom’s orders?

Honorable Mention in Latin America goes to Strong Gym in Arequipa, Peru. It’s on Octavio Muñoz just east of Goyeneche (some arequipeños call this street dangerous). Entrance is only 1 sol ($0.30!) and it includes a huge weight room, two dancehalls, and one studio with heavy bags. There’s a group of heavy deadlifters who go there, most of whom can pick up over twice their bodyweight. There are four or five benches and half dozen squat racks, so you never have to wait. They play the rock station in AQP (no gay techno). The only gay thing about Strong Gym is how crowded the dance classes get. Hundreds of little cholos pack these studios to do dance cardio, while there are never more than a couple dozen using free weights. But maybe the sheer quantity of them each paying 1 sol keeps the price low.

Eagle Gym in St. Louis, MO

This summer, I worked out at Eagle Gym, the most hardcore gym I’ve seen. The guys who work out there are all meatheads: bouncers, cops, boxers, MMA fighers, college football players, pro bodybuilders, powerlifters, and competitive strongmen. And there’s no rule to set the weight down gently.

You can drop 600 pounds or more because there’s a deadlifting platform. There’s also a Monolift for heavy squats. If you’re squatting 300 pounds or so, it’s not convenient to step back and get into place after unracking the bar. On the Monolift, a helper swings the rack back after you pick up the bar so you can go right into a deep squat. Chalk is allowed and available, as is ‘nose tork’ – smelling salts to get amped up before an intense set.

There’s not one treadmill at Eagle. Not one! For cardio, there’s boxing equipment and a sled for strongman training. And of course you can always run on the fucking street.

Eagle holds regular powerlifting and strongman competitions. There are heavy stones for picking up, weighing from 225 – 400lbs. There’s a log press, the log weighing 200lbs with plate racks for adding weight. There’s a truck with no engine block for picking up, weighing 600lbs. There are heavy tires for flipping. One weighs 700 and another weighs 1000lbs. Two guys have flipped the 1000 pounder.

Check out Eagle Gym in pictures below. It’s located at Woodson and Midland in Overland, North St. Louis County. For easier viewing of pics on this site, add me on Facebook. All the pics on this site are also on my profile.

Weightlifting in Latin America

My Corazón in Arequipa

Colin — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 05:01:05 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Alternate Title: ¡Qué Pena! My Querer Hates Me

My last girlfriend in AQP, ‘Milagros’, has learned about this blog and hates me. Not only did I document every step of the way in our mostly sexual relationship, but I also cheated on her from the start. She knows everything and isn’t answering my emails now.

This is horrible because I really liked her.

My Swiss roommate Nicolas had seen me with the other girls and noticed a difference with this one. He asked me early on, “You like this one, don’t you?” It was obvious. With all the other Peruvian girls, I’d try to get them out of the house soon after waking up or whatever. With Milagros, I’d try to get her to stay. I had fun hanging out in bed.

The older I get, the less I believe in real love, soul mates, and that Hollywood nonsense. Milagros and I spent days in bed. Days. That’s love. That’s how babies get made. We’d only leave my bedroom for pollo a la brasa when we had to eat.

Milagros didn’t have the brichera issues. A gringo and Peruvian girl get stared at in the streets of Arequipa. Sometimes guys yell insults. I sensed from the other two girlfriends that, even if negative, they enjoyed the attention. Women’s vanity. Milagros, on the other hand, hated it. She was noticeably uncomfortable. She didn’t want to stand out. She’d have been happy to stay alone in bed forever.

Milagros’ genes would be an ideal match. Having athletic children is important to me. I have height but, unfortunately, I don’t have good genetics for muscularity. I have to work hard and keep a strict diet to stay fine. She, on the other hand, doesn’t have an ounce of fat on her body. She’s super-skinny and strong as shit. A body full of fast-twitch muscle fiber that burns everything she eats. My height and her genes would produce excellent athletes.

How do I know she was so strong, besides the time she slapped the shit out of me? From her hugs. I miss how much she worshiped me. She would spontaneously grab a hold of me and hug as tight as she could. With other girls, I can wriggle out of that easily. With her, I’d have to peel her off by her hands and it’d still be an effort. One day I was eating pollo a la brasa when she wrapped her arms around me like that. I’ll never forget the contrast of how tight she held me and my helplessness in her grip vs. the softest, most delicate, wet kiss she planted on my cheek.

She would stare into my eyes with such intensity during sex, never looking at anything else (unless the position didn’t allow it). Her stare was piercing. The sex was amazing. It seemed every time I’d be getting close, she’d get one first and we’d change positions. So I’d have to start all over. That’s how we’d carry on forever and it was great. I’d be exhausted afterwards.

And afterwards, she’d give me backrubs. Long backrubs that I enjoyed very much. The only thing I didn’t like is when she found a pimple on my back, she’d squeeze it. I scolded her every time but she’d always do it anyway. I always thought this was weird so I never told anybody. In the States, an old gringo I know told me how much he liked Latina women, and how a Panamanian girlfriend of his did that. He considered it her caring for him in every way possible. So I mentioned it to another gringo down here, who confirmed that he’d had Latinas do that also. I guess it’s a good thing – a good thing you won’t find American or European women do for you. That’s in addition to cleaning your room and folding laundry.

I told Milagros the fact that we had sex the first night we met didn’t matter. However, no guy can eliminate that from his evaluation of a girl’s long-term prospects. I also told her that her age (20 to my 29 at the time) didn’t matter, but it certainly did. 20 year-olds get attached easily.

One of my greatest fears in life is being cheated on. I don’t know why, but it is. My worst nightmare would be my wife having a kid that’s not mine. I’m cynical about fidelity.

One night we threw a party and Milagros tried to make me jealous by talking to a German guy for a long time at the end of the night. I was drunk and apparently her plan succeeded. In the morning, she wouldn’t shut the fuck up teasing me: “Tú estabas celoso, tú me quieres mucho.” I wouldn’t tolerate that kind of behavior if it continued.

Another limiting issue was Milagros’ not being rich. After living down here for a while, a gringo realizes he has access to the upper crust of society. Milagros was the daughter of a Peruvian cop, and she was studying to become a nurse. When you’re all liberalized / first-world / Americanized, you think that stuff doesn’t matter. But after acclimating to Latin America you think, “How could I go out like that?” A daughter of a cop studying nursing?

So those were the pros and cons. My target age for marriage and family is 35. I told Milagros when I left that at 35 I might come back for her, and I meant every word of it. Have a quick marriage and pump her full of kids. Why not? Well, that option’s off the table. I liked that girl so much and now it’s ruined.

This blog turns 2 years old today and I have some thinking to do. Upon leaving Peru, I had decided that I’d tell all girlfriends about this site. One-night stands might be left in the dark, but not girlfriends. It started off easy when I was blogging in English while living in a Spanish-speaking country. However, the popularity of this blog is growing. It won’t be harmless and anonymous forever.

Sound off your opinion in the comments. Let me know what you think. I’m listening with an open mind.

This is us:

This is the song I listened to for hours on repeat while getting drunk after realizing she’d read the blog:
[video]

My Corazón in Arequipa

Women from South America in Pictures

Colin — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 03:55:42 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Alternate Title: Stop Asking for Pictures of Latinas!

I’m tired of comments asking for pictures of Latinas. So I got these pictures of Latinas for you assholes.

Note: I won’t publish pictures of any girls I’ve had relations with.

Estimadas amiguita, si prefiera que no publique su foto, mi vida, mándeme un correo a webmaster [arroba] expat-chronicles [punto] com. ¡Gracias, besote!

Women from South America in Pictures

Chicha: An Ode to Peruvian Cumbia

Colin — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 21:27:01 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Like this post? See my posts on salsa or reggaeton.

Chicha is Peruvian cumbia and it’s addictive. Unfortunately many Peruvians dislike or even hate it. It’s seen as lower-class. But it’s gaining popularity compared to a generation ago.

The horns are the key that differentiates salsa, cumbia, and other Latin music from gringo music. Once you come to love the horns, you’ll be addicted too.

Another difference is the theme of the lyrics. Read my post about Love in Latin America to understand why they’re more romantic. Each of my selected songs below are about love except the last two.

Grupo 5 “Motor y Motivo”

This meat-and-potatoes track by Grupo 5 is a good warm-up.

When some of Grupo 5′s popular songs play in the club, everybody sings along. Other singalongs by Grupo 5 include El Embrujo and Te Vas.

Hermanos Yaipen “Tendría Que Llorar Por Tí”

Another popular singalong, from Hermanos Yaipen. Their other hits include Ojala que te mueras and A llorar a otra parte.

Grupo Nectar “Arbolito”

This is a classic track from Grupo Nectar, who only achieved popularity after most of them died in a tragic bus crash.

I understand how I could think this song is corny if I’d have grown up hearing it. Lyrics with translations:

Aquel arbolito donde está escrito

tu nombre y el mio, tu nombre y el mio

That tree, where it’s written …
Your name and mine, your name and mine …

Papillon “Triste Payaso”

The passion in this anthem has made it a mainstay. A catchy, solid orchestra backing up and romantic lyrics tell the story better than me. Note the song’s written about a lost girlfriend, but sung in a woman’s voice.

No hay licor que me ayude a saciar mi dolor…

There’s no booze that can ease my pain…

No hay mujer que me ayude a olvidar este amor…

There’s no woman to help me forget this love…

Estoy llorando, estoy sufriendo, ella se fue…

I’m crying, I’m suffering, she left…

Llevo la vida de un triste payaso que rie por fuera y llora por dentro…

I live the life of a sad clown who smiles outside and cries inside.

Mis amigos me ven sonreir pero no saben que estoy destrozado de amor…

My friends see me smile but don’t know I’m destroyed from love…

Esa es mi vida, así vivo yo, así muero yo…

That’s my life, that’s how I live, that’s how I die…

Mi rostro sonrie y mientras mi alma llora su lamento de amor …

My face smiles while my soul mourns its love loss…

Dilbert Aguilar “Vuela Palomita”

Dilbert Aguilar is my favorite example of raw vocal power, some of the best singing to come out of Peru.

Armonia 10 “La Ricotona”

This is a party song. Chorus lyrics translated:

La Ricotona ya empezó a pegar
con este ritmo que te pone a gozar
a que toda mi gente lo baile sin parar
para que toda mi gente lo tenga en todo lugar

La Ricotona has started to hit
with this rhythm that makes you hot
to all my people, dance without stop
so all my people have it everywhere

(Some of this stuff is hard to translate, so leave it in a comment if you have a better translation)

Orquesta Papillon “El Guzano”

Another party song with versions in Mexican and other cumbias.

Chicha: An Ode to Peruvian Cumbia

Aprovechadores vs. Those in Need

Colin — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 02:37:32 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Readers Attack: ‘Dumb american’ doesn’t care about ‘those in need’!

My first hate comment, from “Mike de Arequipa”:

You really seem to care about those in need. I like how you handled the situation in the run down hostal in Cusco. It seemed to me that they were in need of a little cash but you were unwilling to forfeit a 150$ train ticket Aguas Calientes. You managed to frighten them, do more damage then the damage you had already done, and then flee the scene to blog about it in a jokingly manner. Bien Hecho! Do you have a name for this type of helping the poor. You are making a mess from city to city in your redneck fashion. Thanks for helping the generalizations about dumb Americans, you represent well! Can’t wait to hear more about your generosity.

Mike’s referring to The Cusco Incident. At the time of the Incident, I translated an abbreviated version of that post and emailed it to 30+ Spanish-speaking friends and got one (1) similar response. She called me a ‘delinquent’ with a ‘lack of class’ or something. I later learned that it wasn’t clear in my Spanish that I was LOCKED in my ROOM. Regardless, here’s my reply translated to English:

The only lack of class is how that taxi driver manages his business. If I were locked inside a room in an American hotel, the manager would apologize, give me a free night, and upgrade me.

I was LOCKED INSIDE MY ROOM. What should I have done when nobody downstairs heard me? Wait until the next day when they came to charge me for another day? And how would they open the door? Would their key work from outside when the same broken lock didn’t unlock for my key?

I didn’t explain a few details in the first email:

I came back to the hostel several times the first day to ask about the lock. Every time I asked: nothing.

I had paid for a second night. I was obviously going to come back. They didn’t need to DETAIN me.

When the travel agency women called the hostel they were told nobody by my name was at the hostel.

That ratero was trying to take advantage of a gringo, and he chose the wrong one.

Obviously Peru isn’t the most advanced country in respect to human rights, but I imagine it’s illegal even here to detain someone against their will. In English, it’s called KIDNAPPING.

Mike says I don’t care about “those in need.” I applaud Lenin the Taxi Driver for being an entrepreneur driving a taxi and managing a hostel. But he crosses the line when trying to hustle tourists.

Taking advantage of gringos is common in Latin America. In fact, I got more positive replies to my Spanish email:

A la shit ¡¡¡¡ it’s a shame that happened, sorry colin, unfortunately in Peru (and especially cuzco) there are people who try to take advantage of tourists as they please (I know because they haven’t treated me well either), I can only tell you that not everybody is like that and I hope things change someday.

Regards,
César

I got a few replies from people joking that the police came for me. Another gave me props for getting out of town through Sicuani.

If he called the police, Lenin the Taxi Driver would’ve had to fabricate quite a bit because the true story would get laughed at by Cusco police, which has a special department for protecting tourists. He would’ve had to get the youngsters to lie too.

“Mike de Arequipa” mentioned “those in need”.

Colombia’s Displaced

There are needy in Bogota due to poverty and displacements. Here’s an intro to Colombia’s internal displacements:

Colombia suffers from the world’s longest-running civil war against the FARC. In the 90s FARC controlled 40% of the country. While president Alvaro Uribe made great gains against them, FARC is still 10,000 strong and controls much of Colombia.

Displacements are perpetrated by the FARC or paramilitaries: right-wing, informal militaries in opposition to the FARC formed and financed by vulnerable pueblos and big corporations that want nothing to do with socialism. Paramilitaries exist in these regions because the government can’t protect them. The paramilitaries aren’t bound by government oversight or any rules to aggressively engage the FARC. They’ve been responsible for human rights abuses and war crimes just as ugly as those of the FARC.

Normal citizens are displaced when FARC or paramilitaries enter a pueblo and tell the villagers: “This is our territory so you have to support us. We want all the young men here to join our ranks, plus a monthly protection fee.” Or worse, “This is our enemy’s territory, so you must be supporting them. You have 24 hours to evacuate or you’ll all be executed.”

Faced with this decision, most abandon their homes for Bogota and other cities. They show up with NOTHING. There’s a tent-city in Parque Tercer Milenio of displaced families with nowhere to go.

I don’t do much to help “those in need.” It’s interests me, but the truth is I don’t spend much time helping anybody but myself. How would I help? I owe several thousand dollars. Being deep in the red, I’m worth less than them in absolute terms.

Maybe being “in need” means having little earning power. In that case, giving money doesn’t help at all. Education is what they need, an idea captured in the adage: “Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and feed him for a lifetime.”

But Bogota beggars don’t ask for that. They want crack, booze, marijuana, or even glue.

An interesting quote on philanthropy:

Philanthropy can appeal to people who want to be loved more than they want to make a difference. – Jacqueline Novogratz

People get a warm, fuzzy feeling from giving panhandlers change. Mike de Arequipa may get that feeling. For those people, giving isn’t a service but a purchase. They’re purchasing the warm, fuzzy feeling. The panhandler provided them with value. It’s capitalism after all.

I don’t get that warm, fuzzy feeling. I feel the opposite. I feel like a sucker intimidated by a dirty disgusting bum. Usually panhandlers ask for more, a clear indicator it’s his profession. Asking for more is part of the script to use at that sales process to maximize revenues. I never give them shit.

For professional panhandlers your “help” is actually a crutch. You’re enabling their panhandling and providing incentive not to get a job. Being an enabler, you’re keeping them in their situation. My friend Damien visited Choco, the historic black town in southern Colombia. He said there were no panhandlers. Because nobody gives money, they find something else to do.

The quote above, from an established philanthropist, captures the phoniness at the heart of many people’s “need to help.”

Links on Colombia’s displaced:

Thousands Flee Colombia’s Conflict (Amnesty International)
Colombia’s displaced rises 25% (BBC News)
Colombia’s Displaced and Discarded (Human Rights Watch)

Aprovechadores vs. Those in Need

Latinos’ Awful Writing Skills

Colin — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 01:57:46 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Disclaimer: Not all Latinos’ writing sucks. Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Mario Vargas Llosa, and Spanish-language journalists have proven they can spell and use punctuation. And if you’re a Latino reading this, you probably write well.

However, rank-and-file Latinos’ writing skills, including the college-educated, are comparable to mine when I was seven years old.

Typical Facebook comment from a Latina:

Colin, I miss youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Besitosssssssssssssssssssss ;p

21 extra u’s don’t add anything to the meaning, you chimps.

q t pasa, komo va tu vida todo trankilo masomenos? Ojala jajaja

Some Americans intentionally misspell words. They’re gangsta rap idiots and a tiny minority. You’re a college graduate. Stop it.

Or ThEy’Ll WrItE lIkE tHiS

I can’t even read that shit. Here’s a sample MySpace username:

<-:.B377A M3X1CANA.:->

One Latin use for punctuation: web design. That is cutting edge! Pullman Bus is one of the biggest bus companies in Chile. Unfortunately their website (since updated, maybe because of this article) is an atrociously Flash-tastic piece of shit completely normal in Latin America. Here’s their chump-change web developer’s idea of a page titles that pops!

PULLMAN BUS :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

All caps and 51 colons. Not just 50. 51 (fifty-ONE), bitches!

These examples show more style than substance. Want substance? Here’s an email I got from my last girlfriend in Peru:

parece que ya no existo para ti bueno besitos cuidate

Translation:

i guess i don’t exist to you anymore that’s fine kisses take care

God I miss her. Here’s one from a Colombian friend:

colin 600000 por nivel no por clace que es cop me pongo ha hacer propaganta para lo de los estudiantes hablamos el viernes en grupo de apoyo perdon la demora estaba muy ocupado

For this translation I’ve deliberately misspelled in English what Winston misspelled in Spanish, and put two spaces between words where he did.

colin 600000 per level not per klass what is cop i’ll see aabout doing adverdising for students we’ll talk friday in meeting sorry for the delay i’ve been busy

We’ve seen two emails without one single character of punctuation, not even for 600,000. But those two aren’t exactly elite professionals in Peru and Colombia. Here’s a typical piece from an educated Latino:

aprendeo de los colombainos , hace dos añso casi no tenain turismo , ahora son toda uan potencia del turismo no sabes y nuestro pais tienmuchas cosas por afrecer , peor al corrupcion la falat d eapoyo a la media empresa turistica no nos deja despegar, por que por elyes como la ese congresista , que solo benefia a la elite y no a also verdaderos empresario del turismo , que ahn hecho por demas ?? solo para su benefico , viaja a colombai y aprende!!!

This piece of shit isn’t worth translating. However, Spanish speakers can see there’s no arguing with me. Latin writing sucks. Here’s why in English:

so, you see, most latinos are horrible writers because they spelll thingz wrrong, but also they dont use punctuation properly, and its not just teenage females that write like that, let me tell you, its the educated professionals in the white collar world too, like most of the people i know in peru and colombia, some work at multinationals that everybody would recognize, everyone knows their products, those latinos write shitty emails just like this paragraph-long run-on sentence separated by commas.

As in reading English, I find subjects and predicates that form sentences. I look for ideas organized in sentence format. Reading Spanish emails I often realize out loud: “This is all one sentence.” One sentence, five lines long, separated by commas.

“You see” and “let me tell you” aren’t exaggerations either. They write exactly what they would say verbally in person. At every point where they’d pause, they add a comma. This is Latino Writing 101.

Root Cause: Latinos Don’t Read

Latinos don’t read. Being well-read is the most important criteria for writing well. Even short of being an interesting or professional writer, writing coherently requires reading regularly. See my friend Stu’s article, Peru’s Reading Culture for corroboration.

I was once asked about bookstores in Bogota. I laughed out loud – bookstores. There are no Barnes & Nobles or Borders. Nor are there the small, hipster shops like Subterranean or Left Bank in my hometown. Panamericana has books in the display windows, but inside it’s a department store. There are dusty and dirty used-book shops, and not much else. There’s a small book district in downtown Bogota, serving a city of 8 million.

The Latin newspaper industry is a throwback to early 20th century America – mostly tabloids. You may associate tabloids with the celebrity gossip mags at grocery stores. But tabloids got their start by covering violence. The first American tabloid was founded in the early 1900s by a Harvard MBA who got the idea after seeing a huge crowd around a stabbing victim. He realized there was a market for blood and guts. So tabloids in their early days covered violent news in gory detail. They were sold at newstands surrounded by men in trenchcoats and fedoras. In the last few decades the industry morphed into catering to suburban housewives examining celebrities’ cellulite.

Newstands in Peru are exactly how I imagine the early 1900s tabloids. Sensational headlines in huge type scream: ‘BURNED to DEATH!’ or ‘Mother of Two RAPED and MURDERED!’ Next to those headlines some publications put a picture of a girl in a bikini. That’s how you sell reading in Latin America.

The Spanish web is as developed as the English web was over ten years ago. Especially for technology, there isn’t a Spanish option to stay up-to-date. Latin web professionals have to read English.

I’ve considered stealing content from the most popular blogs and publishing it in Spanish. Unfortunately, I have integrity. Plus nobody’d read it.

In the linked article above, Stu attributes the lack of reading to poverty. I whole-heartedly disagree that poverty plays any role. I’ve bought books that cost the same as an empanada. Most cost less than the average lunch. Books are cheap. Reading online is even cheaper.

Latin aversion to reading comes down to culture. Latin boys are more likely to pick up a guitar or go play soccer, and girls are more likely to watch telenovelas or chat the night away on Facebook.

I love Latin America because it’s a more social culture, a warmer culture. But the downside is that most won’t sit down alone and get lost in a book. And they write like morons.

Latinos’ Awful Writing Skills

Taxis in Colombia vs. Peru

Colin — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 05:19:24 +0000

Expat Chronicles

American taxis are generally safe. The worst thing is to get “taken for a ride.” Taxis in Latin America can be dangerous. The worst thing is getting robbed, raped, and/or murdered. There are rules to taking taxis in Latin America.

Peruvian Rules

In Peru, you don’t simply hail a taxi and tell the driver where you’re going. If you do this, you’re going to get ripped off.

Firstly, not all taxis are safe in Peru. You can’t hail any taxi in the street. In Arequipa, there are a few safe brands of taxis with signs on top with the company logo. Some companies are diligent in their hiring practices. They weed out thieves and choros with gang links. Some companies aren’t so diligent. And still some of these logo signs were found in the trash by some asshole who just bought a yellow car and now works as a taxi driver.

The three most trusted brands are Turismo Arequipa, Imperial, and Taxitel. After a while I noticed other companies made signs mimicking the trusted companies’ logos (think McDowell’s). They used the same fonts and colors, and names like “Taxicel.”

After some months, I started adding brands to my safe list: Angel’s, Teletaxi (seemingly a knock-off of Taxitel that rose to trustworthiness), etc. I started taking risks with unrecognized taxis if I were with a group or Damien – both of us 6’3, him black.

Lima taxis don’t have signs atop the cars. Safe taxis in Lima have a company logo on the passenger-side door with a telephone number. The telephone number indicates safety. This is how it was explained to me during my one week in Lima. I thought this a pain because you can’t spot the small phone number from two blocks away. You have to wait until the guy’s stopped. Sometimes I told a taxi driver, Never mind, when I saw no number.

Once you’ve chosen a safe taxi, you determine the price beforehand because the taxis don’t have meters. The price is negotiated based on the destination. Here’s how it goes in Peru:

The client hails a taxi.
The taxi stops and, through the passenger window, the client tells the driver his destination.
The taxi driver quotes a price.
If the client agrees, he gets in. But since Peruvians love need to haggle, he’ll counter with a price 1 sol or 50 centimos lower.
The taxi driver agrees or spits out a middle-ground price.
At this point, the client accepts or declines.

When I first moved to Peru the taxi drivers gave me ridiculous prices. When I picked up the Peruvian talk they could tell I wasn’t a tourist. They started giving me fair prices. Still, I’d often take a price slightly higher than it should be for the sake of getting the deal done. Peruvians often refuse trips over 50 centimos ($0.15!), then wait 5 – 10 minutes for another safe taxi.

Peruvian Stories

Soon after I moved to Arequipa, an Israeli tourist was found strangled to death in a field. It became a national scandal. She’d been raped by more than one person. President Alan Garcia publicly vowed to catch the killers of the “Israeli journalist and soldier who was murdered because she dared to walk the streets of Arequipa alone.” Police arrested three suspects. It turns out the girl took a bad taxi.

Carlos’ good buddy, an Arequipeño born and raised in Arequipa , got a little overconfident in his hometown. He was shitfaced wasted oneand got in an unrecognized taxi. He was almost passed out in the backseat when the driver stopped. He sat up and the driver said, “Dame tu billete.” Give me your money. Carlos’ buddy asked what he was talking about. The driver told him to give up his wallet or the two guys outside into the cab would beat him bloody. Carlos’ buddy locked both doors. A struggle ensued. The guys managed to unlock the doors and pull him out of the car, hitting him over the head with a metal bar. He woke up bloody and broke. He needed stitches.

My friend Roy also got wasted one night and jumped in a bad taxi. He fell asleep in the passenger seat on the way home. When they arrived Roy stumbled out. The taxi drove off. In his drunken stupor, Roy couldn’t figure out why the taxi drove off before collecting the fare. The next day he realized he was missing his cell phone. The driver lifted it from his pocket.

Colombian Rules

By the time I visited Colombia I’d already acclimated to Peruvian rules. I asked hostel employees how to recognize safe taxis. They looked at me like I was stupid. Aren’t there safe taxis and unsafe taxis? Same look. I asked if it was OK to hail taxis in the street. They said it was in a tone like ‘Of course.’

Since then I’ve heard Colombians claim not all Bogota taxis are safe. You have to call a taxi. I’ve disregarded this advice because those were upper class gomelos. There may be danger, but here’s the difference. In Peru not all taxis are safe and NO Peruvian would say they are. But most Colombians hail taxis indiscriminately, and I haven’t heard any horror stories.

Note: my Colombian taxi rules apply only to Bogota.

Colombian taxis are bigger but never have working seat belts. They also have meters called taximetros. You don’t negotiate the price beforehand. However, the meters don’t count in pesos. They count in some unknown number that starts with 25. The price you pay corresponds with a price guide which should hang from the passenger seat. So if the meter reads 80, you consult the guide and see that 80 corresponds with 5000 pesos or whatever. Sometimes taxi drivers don’t post the guide and rattle the price from the top of their head, rounded up to the next thousand or so.

It’s important to make sure that the driver resets the taximetro to 25 when you begin the trip. Otherwise he may trick you into paying for the last customer’s ride in addition to yours.

Colombian Stories

My first English class required me to be at Calle 187 at like 5 am. My hotel was at Calle 13 in La Candelaria. That’s ~150 blocks.

The TransMilenio doesn’t start until 5 so I had to take taxis. I left the hotel around 4. My first day I was picked up by an honest taxi driver. He cut over to Avenida Caracas and hauled ass up the Autopista. He drove so fast I was clutching the door handle with white knuckles. We arrived in 20 minutes and the fare was 17,000 pesos.

The next day I was picked up by a dishonest taxi. He took me up Circunvalar all the way to Calle 170. Circunvalar is the eastern-most thoroughfare running north-and-south through the mountains. It twists and turns and climbs and descends. I sat incredulous. I was so new in-country I was hesitant to tell him which way to go. I didn’t even know the names of Caracas or the Autopista. But I thought that if we arrived in time for the same price, no big deal.

We slowly made our way creeping and crawling and I started to worry. Time was ticking down. If I were late for the company bus, I would miss class. The price climbed past 17,000 pesos.

The asshole finally arrived and enthusiastically pressed the button on the taximetro, which calculated 23,600 pesos. He turned with a smile and cheerfully said, “Veintitres mil, seis cientos.” I gave him a 20,000 note and told him that’s all I had. He said, ‘But the fare is 23,600.’ I said, ’20,000 is all I brought with me, man. This same trip cost 17,000 yesterday. I don’t know why it costs so much,’ and I got out. He drove off.

I don’t know much about the economics of a taxi driver. I believe that if they use the meter, the company that owns the car knows exactly how far the trip was and takes a specific cut. I hoped that after paying his company that asshole made less on the deal than if he’d have taken Avenida Caracas.

Another trick Colombian taxi drivers have is a clicker that manually adjusts the taximetro. So if they have the clicker hidden, they can cleverly click it up faster than the distance actually traveled. I caught a driver doing this when I was wasted late at night and we almost came to blows. I paid less than what he asked.

At night (after 8:00pm) and on Sundays, taxis add a 1500 peso recargo to the fare. Sometimes they add a 2000 – 2500 peso recargo for gringos who don’t know better. Not a big deal, but insisting on the correct price deters aprovechadores from pulling that on other gringos.

Taxis in Colombia vs. Peru

Alcohol and Sensitivity in Latin America

Colin — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 08:15:53 +0000

Expat Chronicles

A FB friend shared this:

Movie “Hangover” is titled / advertised in Argentina: “Que Paso Ayer?” which literally means, “What happened yesterday?” Subtle difference.

I commented:

The word for ‘hangover’ is different in almost every Spanish-speaking country.

Mexico: estar crudo
Peru: tener resaca / estar resaquiado
Colombia: tener guayabo / estar enguayabado

Those are just the regional variations I’ve learned. Spanish is like that. Pain in the ass if you ask me.

Another guy commented:

Or it simply could be that they found the word “hangover” offensive as a title and changed it so that it still reflected the theme of the movie.

I’m not going to argue on a friend’s Facebook update. But how many ways is he wrong? Answer: two. First, alcohol is not a controversial subject in Latin America. Second, Latin Americans’ brand of sensitivity is not oriented toward subjects like that.

Latin America is different from the States in this respect, and probably extreme. Alcohol doesn’t have a negative stigma at all. There was never a prohibition. People drink at a younger age – by law and social norms.

People get real drunk. People get fucked up. Yes, people in the States also get fucked up. But since moving down here, I’ve seen things I’ve never seen back home.

My first month in Peru I was riding in a taxi down a busy sidestreet. Traffic was slowed almost to a stop. Some drunk walked in front of our car and the driver hit the brakes. The drunk fell on the hood. Pushing up and balancing himself with his hands, he continued on. Nobody in the taxi mentioned it.

Another night my basketball coach gave me a ride home. Heading up Goyeneche we saw somebody trying to pick up his drunk friend and carry him to the sidewalk. The drunk had passed out in the middle of a 3-lane, one-way thoroughfare where cars haul ass at 40 mph. The guy was laid out in the middle of Lanes 1 & 2. Coach easily swerved clear. He continued his point on my consistent foul trouble, not even mentioning the drunk he just avoided.

One day I was passing through Plaza las Americas in Arequipa. An indigenous-looking drunk came up to me with an ear-to-ear grin. We shook hands. He had like three teeth. He held a clear, un-labelled bottle of clear liquid. I don’t remember the name, but I’ve heard it’s cheap, harsh, bathtub gin they drink in Peru. We parted ways and he stumbled off.

Aside from street drunks, educated young people get drunk in ways I don’t see in the States. On more than one occasion, I’ve seen dudes drink themselves to vomiting within an hour. They take down an entire glass of hard liquor, then do it again!

Here’s a popular drinking song from Peru, sung by a 10 year-old girl!

“Cerveza, Cerveza” by Wendy Sulca

In Colombia degenerating into a professional drunk is common. They’re all over, usually leaning against a wall with their hand out. I’ve seen big piles of puke on buses several times. Normal people don’t get mad about it. They dismiss it: “Es un borracho.” He’s a drunk – in the same tone as if saying it were raining outside.

Second point, Latin sensitivity. Here’s a case of a Latin novel mis-translated to be less offensive in the gringo market. Gabriel Garcia Marquez chose Memoria de mis putas tristes for the title of his last novella. The English edition was called Memories of My Melancholy Whores, which is a little less harsh than the literal translation: Memories of My Sad Whores.

In Latin culture, ideas or content of messages aren’t as offensive as the way the messages are delivered. I offended Peruvians a couple times in the way I’d give them a pen or pencil, dropping it on the desk in front of them. Or people being too blunt or direct can come off rude.

Another example regards fat people. In Gringolandia you’re not supposed to make fat people feel bad about their fatness. In Latin America fat guys are reminded of their fatness all their lives. If you’re fat in Latin America, your nickname is ‘Gordo‘. I’ve met so many Gordos that when I meet a group of guys, I already know the fat one’s name. You’ll not only be called Gordo (Fat Boy) as your nickname, you’ll also be referred to in the third-person as ‘el gordo’ (the fat boy).

One day I was talking to a Peruvian ex about hooking her friend up with a fat Peruvian friend of mine. She replied “Creo que a ella no le gustan los gorditos.” I don’t think she likes FATTIES, without a trace of malice in her voice.

I went to Girardot with my buddy Oscar, who’s really fat. If you’re really fat, you might get it worse than Gordo. We went swimming and all his cousins called him ‘Free Willy’ or just ‘Willy’.

Recently there was a verbal spat between Peruvian president Alan Garcia and Bolivian president Evo Morales. Responding to a question about some Peruvian policy, Morales replied that obesity is a mental illness. He thinks obese people are mentally ill. He explained that Alan Garcia is quite fat, and that his ideas are warped by this mental illness. These are heads of state!

Brazilian president Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva is famous for making statements with sexual innuendos. He once said to George W. Bush they need to find the ‘g-spot in their negotiations’.

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez has a weekly, hours-long television show. He often lambasts his cabinet, seated in the front row on national television. Watch this Frontline documentary, “The Hugo Chavez Show” (features some of his public hazing). There’s also this video of Chavez insulting Bush for no less than 3 1/2 minutes:

Sexual harassment is, in the States, very sensitive, very taboo. In Peru I saw guys grab female coworkers. With the female fighting and turning her head away, he’d force her head toward his and kiss her on the lips. No big deal.

I worked as a server and bartender in college. Our kitchen was all Mexicans born and raised in Mexico (not Americanized). The restaurant hired a little retarded guy to bus tables part-time. A social organization wanted him to learn to do things, earn money, and have somewhere to go every day. Management agreed and we had a slightly handicapped busboy from the ghetto for a while.

The Mexicans started fucking with him the first day. They threw fries at him. The dishwasher would spray him with the hose. If he tried to confront them, they would square up to fight, picking up cutting knives and whatnot, all the while laughing their asses off. These were grown men – most of whom have a handful of kids.

In Latin culture, alcohol isn’t a sensitive subject. There aren’t many sensitive subjects at all.

Buy organic Maca from Peru.

Alcohol and Sensitivity in Latin America

García Márquez and Love in Latin America

Colin — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 23:02:55 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Buy Love in the Time of Cholera on Amazon.
(using that link supports Expat Chronicles)

Latin culture is the most romantic in the world. Is this good or bad?

STORY SUMMARY

Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez is set in an unnamed town assumed to be Cartagena, Colombia, and spans the late 19th century to early 20th century. As a teen Florentino Ariza falls in love with Fermina Daza the first time he lays eyes on her. He begins a letter-writing campaign professing his love. She falls in love with him and they write regularly. They plan a marriage without ever having spoken and behind the back of Fermina’s overbearing, ambiguously-criminal father.

Fermina’s father learns of the relationship and is infuriated because Florentino is the illegitimate son of a shopkeeper. He had plans of social-climbing by marrying his daughter off to blue blood. He takes Fermina on a weeks-long trip through the Colombian countryside in an attempt to break the affair. The lovers keep a secret correspondence and make plans to marry when she returns.

When Fermina returns she meets Florentino and impulsively ends the affair. Florentino is devastated. Fermina marries a promising young doctor who’s just returned from university in Paris. Florentino vows to have her someday despite the fact she’s just married. Dr. Juvenal Urbino and Fermina Daza have two children and lead a compatible life. Fermina’s father’s dream is realized as the couple ascend to the town’s social elite.

The book begins with Dr. Urbino’s death at an old age and proceeds to recount the characters’ histories. While the married couple led a marriage of convenience, Florentino Ariza embarked on 622 affairs to distract the love burning in his heart – all the while waiting patiently for the doctor to die so he could reclaim Fermina. On the night of the doctor’s funeral the now 70-something Florentino says to Fermina: “I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century, to repeat to you once again my vow of eternal fidelity and everlasting love.” On the night of her husband’s funeral. It was 51 years, 9 months, and 4 days after first professing his love to her as a teen. He knew the exact number because “not a day passed that something did not happen to remind him of her.” Fermina eventually succumbs and they live happily ever after.

END OF SUMMARY

Aside from the surrealism seen in all of Garcia Marquez’s and other Latino writers’ work, the theme of love is unrealistically portrayed with a passion absent in other cultures.

In America, “dropping the L-bomb” is slang for when your significant other first says, “I love you.” I got just as many A-bombs (Te amo in Spanish) from one year in Peru as the previous 29 in America – 3. And one of the American L-bombs came from a Brazilian exchange student. The quick-to-love sentiment didn’t just apply to me (gringo factor). I wasn’t special. Peruvian guys I knew experienced the same thing, and the females aren’t the only ones quick to love. I saw my buddy Roy crying his eyes out for a girl he’d been dating for just a few months.

The passion for love is palpable. Every neighborhood in Latin America has a small park. In every park on any night you see couples huddled up on the benches – cuddling, kissing, talking, and holding hands. Public displays of affection are controversial to nobody. Latinos spend much more time in intimacy. Married couples are different. The men enjoy their wives’ company. They’re proud of their wives. They love their in-laws.

A higher percentage of Latin music is about love and relationships. There are certainly party songs and political songs, but love songs are most common. Even in reggaeton – Latin America’s version of hip-hop – love is a more consistent theme than in American rap. There’s less misogyny. No bitches or hoes.

Contrast that with what you hear in American music. The most popular rapper of all time, Tupac Shakur, wrote one song in praise of women: Keep Ya Head Up. Ironically, it was released around the time he was convicted / in prison for sex abuse. His other songs professed he’d never love a woman. Snoop said in ’94, “We don’t love them hoes.”

Playing romantic music in America can be a cultural faux pas. I dig love songs. Probably because I wasn’t desired by many women until well after puberty, I used to dream about love. I dreamed about love and having a perfect marriage in which we had a ton of kids and lived happily ever after with no divorce. I built the idea up in my head just as Florentino Ariza did with Fermina Daza.

But it ain’t cool to play that music in gringo culture. My college buddies made fun of me, or they’d yell to turn it off. It’s “gay”- I never understood how songs about love between a man and a woman were gay. “We don’t love them hoes” sounds gay to me.

On the other hand, I’ve seen a group of Colombian guys drink together all night singing along to sensual ballads. One night my drinking buddy Miguel said, “Yo creo que una mujer es para amar.” I believe a woman is supposed to be loved. He wasn’t trying to impress anybody; there were no girls at the table. Gringos don’t talk like that.

Latinos don’t say “tener sexo” - or ‘have sex‘. They say “hacer amor” - ‘to make love’. Saying “make love” in English is corny. Gringos don’t talk like that. Gringos “play it cool.” They protect their hearts. They date casually and take it slow. They delay commitment. They try different potential “partners.” It’s considered wise, practical. When I was 16 a high school crush told me that she hates “mushy love shit.” You could search your whole life without finding a Latin girl say that.

Latinos say “gringo frio” – cold gringo. They say our culture is cold. It’s a unanimous opinion.

My last girl in Arequipa and I had sex the first night we met. Our entire relationship was spent in my apartment, plus a few times going to the local chicken joint when we were hungry. In relationships that follow this course in Gringolandia, both the man and woman know exactly what the relationship is about – and more importantly what it’s not about. That understanding didn’t exist in this case. Milagros bought me an alpaca scarf and a cute Christmas card with a heart-felt message inside. I miss her.

I posed the question at the start of this essay: Is this passion for love good or bad? What did Gabriel García Márquez believe?Literary scholars began to point out that the story may be critical of love. When asked if his story was something other than a heart-warming tale about the enduring power of love, García Márquez was quoted as saying that readers “have to be careful not to fall into my trap.”

The title uses the words “love” and “cholera” together. Cholera is a nasty, often fatal disease. Stories of cholera ravaging Colombia permeate the novel as often as stories of love. Is this a contrast or analogy?

What happens because of love? One character’s lover allows him to commit suicide because she loved him too much to stop him. When Fermina agrees to marry Florentino, he eats so many roses in euphoria that he vomits. In treating his symptoms of love, Florentino has 622 affairs and contracted an STD. One of his lovers was murdered by her husband when he learned of her affair. His last affair as an old man was with a teenage second-cousin he was charged with taking care of. When he broke off the affair she committed suicide. And because of his life-long love, Florentino never had children.

Dr. Juvenal Urbino is the perfect contrast of the romantic Florentino Ariza. Dr. Urbino tells his wife love is not as important as stability and compatibility. He transforms the town’s health services. The couple are beloved. Critics say the novel deals with the challenges in Colombia (and all of Latin America for that matter) in implementing sound political systems, making societal progress, and developing healthy cultural attitudes. If this is true,Dr. Juvenal Urbino would be the story’s hero. Love would be the antagonist.

The fact that García Márquez approved adapting the novel into a cheesy Hollywood love film skews his intent further. But moving past his intent, what’s the truth about the utility of love?

Modern advances require hard intellect free of romantic delusion. Cold, calculating gringos have made most societal advancements. What about love? There’s a higher prevalence of brothels and prostitution in Latin America. I’ve met many married guys who openly told me they bang whores or have girlfriends on the side.

Am I really the romantic I think I am? I had other girls during my relationship with Milagros. We had sex on the first night, plus she was 20. My cold gringo nature, the natural skeptic and realist inside told me it wouldn’t work.

But aside from gringo tendencies in coldness, I am a romantic. I prefer life here. The passion is refreshing. Exciting. Invigorating. But a balance is surely needed.

Fun facts:

Gabriel García Márquez won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1982
One Hundred Years of Solitude (also by Gabriel García Márquez) is one of Bill Clinton’s favorite novels
Gabriel García Márquez convinced Colombia’s own Shakira to produce 3 tracks for the movie
Gabriel García Márquez was once very close to fellow Latin American literary giant, Mario Vargas Llosa from Peru. One night in 1976, Vargas Llosa punched García Márquez at a cinema in Mexico city. The two have been rivals for the 30+ years since. Here’s the story.
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Movie trailer:

Things I Miss and Things I’ll Bring Back

García Márquez and Love in Latin America

Barranco Murals in Lima, Peru

Colin — Sat, 02 May 2009 22:55:44 +0000

Expat Chronicles

Murals from Barranco in Lima, Peru:

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Barranco Murals in Lima, Peru