Narcoterrorism threatened the Colombian government in the 1990s. Now there’s increasing talk of Mexico becoming a failed state. These state enemies are so powerful because of profits from illegal drugs.

In America’s defense, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton admitted the US bears some blame. I’d go further in saying US and European policies bear most blame for Colombian, Mexican, Central American, and increasingly Venezuelan governments falling victim to cocaine cartels. Cartels are so powerful because cocaine profits are astronomical, precisely because of US and European prohibition of drugs.

A gram of cocaine in St. Louis costs $60 IF you know people in the business. If you don’t know anyone you’ll pay $80. In Bogota, I pay $5. By these numbers we can assume the price increases by a factor of ten.

Most businesses, depending on the product, mark up 20%. Domestic drug dealers turn their money over twice or more. I’ve spoken with drug dealers about investing in my legal businesses. They laugh when I promise 10% in 6 months, which is a good return for legal endeavors. But if you’re used to illegal profits, 10% is nothing.

I’ve been offered to mule cocaine to Miami or Spain. Since I’m a bigger guy, I could carry over a kilo. I’ve been offered $8000 plus the flight. That only adds $10 to the price per gram, and international traffickers’ costs are much lower than the $5 charged in the Colombian streets. So what explains the $50 – 100 prices seen in the streets of St. Louis?

Once the mule gets the dope into the US, somebody needs to pick it up. They sell it to local wholesalers, who sell it to street-level drug dealers. Each of these workers at every step in the supply chain faces stiff prison sentences according to US law. Here’s a chart of mandatory minimum sentences:

• 28 g crack or 500 g powder cocaine – 5 years
• 280 g crack or 5,000 g powder cocaine – 10 years

These figures were recently adjusted after the Fair Sentencing Act, in which the disparity in quantity of crack vs. powder resulted in blacks receiving higher sentences because they’re more likely to deal in crack, was signed into law in 2010 by Barack Obama.

Still, 28 g of crack or 500 g of powder is not much. It’s a lot if you’re not in the industry. But if you do and you aspire to grow, a half a kilo is easily attainable. Getting caught with that means 5 years in prison. If you get to the point where you’re only selling 1/4, 1/2, or whole kilos, you’d easily have 5 kilos on hand, which would get you a 10 year mandatory minimum.

For this business to be worth the risk, sellers need to earn a lot of money.

According to Michael Reid‘s Forgotten Continent:

[A]n economist at the University of Maryland, has pointed out, prices at each stage in the long chain that turns a coca leaf on an Andean hillside into a gram of cocaine on the streets of the Bronx or the City of London are determined mainly by the need to reward risk-taking, rather than the cost of production. That is why the price of a kilo of pure cocaine (measured in relation to its equivalent in coca leaf) rises by a factor of roughly 200 times between the coca farm and the street. Most of the increase occurs once cocaine has entered the United States or Europe – because law enforcement is tighter and risk is thus higher. So even if repression in the producer countries succeeds in increasing leaf prices, this has little effect on cocaine prices.

The high profits are solely due to criminal risk faced in developed countries. If cartels can establish operations inside those countries (which they do), they get even more of those profits. That’s how they can acquire immense wealth to corrupt police and law enforcement officials, as well as challenge their national governments.

Mexico, Colombia, Peru, and increasingly Central America and Venezuela bear the brunt of America’s and Europe’s stiff drug policy.

Everybody Gets High

The vast majority of people get high. A tiny minority don’t drink or indulge in any conscious-altering substance like cigarettes or coffee. But most who don’t consider themselves “drug users” get high on legal drugs like alcohol, Percoset, Vicodin, Ambien, Oxycontin, Valium, Tramadol, Adderall, Xanax, codeine, and more. If you use any of those, don’t lie to yourself. You get high.

What’s the difference between those listed above and this list: cocaine, ecstasy, heroin, marijuana, meth? The first list is legal and backed by the big pharm lobby.

What’s the difference between Oxycontin and heroin? Oxycontin’s legal.

What’s the difference between Adderall and ecstasy? Adderall’s legal and actually preferred by rolling aficionados.

What’s one difference between Tylenol and Percoset or Vicodin? NFL players pop the latter two daily.

Altering consciousness is human nature. Why are some prohibited and others allowed?

Big Business Lobbying

Alcohol companies, including my former employer Anheuser-Busch, stand to lose sales if people could get high on other drugs than alcohol.

Pharmaceutical companies, along with alcohol, pose political opposition to legalization of medical marijuana. They’d sell less pills if people could smoke.

Prison guard unions wield immense power in California. If there are less people locked up, there will be less guards and thus a smaller union with less revenue. It’s in their interest to lock up as many as possible.

Victims of the War on Drugs

First and foremost, the real victims of the war on drugs are producer countries like Colombia. Without cocaine profits, the narco-guerrilla organization FARC would’ve been defeated long ago, as Sendero Luminoso in Peru was. Producers with operations in developed countries turn their money over 700% and higher. The limited resources of developed countries aren’t sufficient to combat that.

American organized crime was strongest during Prohibition. Regardless of legislation, people got drunk. It created huge profits and power for bootleggers. It’s the same with drugs. People are going to get high, regardless of the law. Its illegality creates powerful crime syndicates. The modern day bootleggers threaten the Andean and Central American countries.

Other victims of the War on Drugs are the huge number Americans being locked up:

The United States leads the world in the number of people incarcerated in federal and state correctional facilities. There are currently more than 2 million people in American prisons or jails. Approximately one-quarter of those people held in U.S. prisons or jails have been convicted of a drug offense. The United States incarcerates more people for drug offenses than any other country. With an estimated 6.8 million Americans struggling with drug abuse or dependence, the growth of the prison population continues to be driven largely by incarceration for drug offenses. source

“We have created an American gulag,” – said former drug czar Barry McCaffrey.

Most drug dealers I know aren’t hardened criminals. They’re simply risk takers. They have a higher propensity for risk given the reward. A great example is recently released Los Angeles-based cocaine kingpin Ricky Ross. If you hear Ricky Ross in interviews, especially The Last White Hope, you’ll hear an intelligent, well-spoken man who took advantage of a lucrative opportunity. If it weren’t for that opportunity, I don’t doubt he’d have excelled in any endeavor he chose.

The Last White Hope is a critical documentary on the American War on Drugs. I don’t buy its conspiracy theory that the drug Prohibition’s aim is to incarcerate African-Americans. But it’s inarguable that blacks are over-represented in prisons. Blacks aside, too many people of all colors are locked up. The United States has the highest incarceration rate in the world.

Watch American Drug War: The Last White Hope in its entirety on YouTube.

No Easy Solution

Nothing I’ve said here is new. Fortunately American opinion toward marijuana has shifted sharply. Possession of high quantities of marijuana is a misdemeanor in many states.

However, cocaine is the insanely profitable drug that destabilizes Latin America. I applaud Colombian president Juan Manuel Santos for publicly suggesting the world open the debate on legalization (good debate in that link’s comments). I was proud to see the US ambassador concur.

Legalization may go too far. Nobody wants crack and heroin sold at 7-11. But the mandatory minimum sentences have to go. They drive the price and profits up, which destabilize producing and transporting countries. Some form of decriminalization is needed.

There’s no easy solution because the American people won’t tolerate the level of drug addiction seen in Bogota. I’m one of few decriminalization proponents who will argue the obvious: drug use WILL GO UP if decriminalized. Use will also rise if the price drops.

In broad daylight I’ve seen bazuceros smoke crack in Chapinero, a middle class Bogota neighborhood. Americans won’t accept that. Hence, there’s no easy solution or we would’ve found it. But there must be a compromise because too many Americans are getting locked up and dangerous Latin American instability will continue because of developed countries’ demand for cocaine.

Related posts:

1. Cocaine Cartels and Economics in Colombia
2. My Ugly American Rant
3. Killing Pablo: Summary and Review
4. Bogota Zombie Bums
5. Plan Colombia: An Overview

My War on Drugs Rant

After September 11, 2001 George W. Bush declared a global War on Terror. His terminology generated controversy. It’s not narrow enough of a definition. Critics often put “War on Terror” in quotes, implying illegitimacy. The weak, vague terminology is a product of political correctness and Bush’s desire not to alienate Muslims by calling it the “War on Islamic Terror.” It’s not a War on Islam, just Islamofascism and people who blow up “infidels,” but that name would surely offend.

Some say it’s impossible to wage war against an undefined enemy. How do we fight a war on terror? When is it over? What exactly is terrorism? A dictionary-esque definition would go something like this (from the Wikipedia page):

Terrorism is the systematic use of terror, especially as a means of coercion.

Would this include the Mafia and organized crime who extort businesses? What about my uncle, a union enforcer who uses violence (or the threat of) to intimidate those who go against the union or union members who go against the leadership? Is my uncle a terrorist? I hope not. The Wikipedia article goes on:

Common definitions of terrorism refer only to those violent acts which are intended to create fear (terror), are perpetrated for a religious, political or ideological goal; and deliberately target or disregard the safety of non-combatants (civilians).

Inspiring fear for “religious, political, or ideological goal[s]” leaves out for-profit terrorism. So the Mafia’s in the clear, but my uncle’s in the grey. Either way, discounting for-profit terrorism leaves out a form of world terrorism second only to Islamic: narcoterrorism.

In ~4 years in Latin America you read a lot of drug cartel news. I’ve learned a lot about the business. One core competency in being a large scale narco is “the systematic use of terror.” They systematically use terror to intimidate the government, police, journalists, and anyone who opposes their business.

From an earlier post on Colombian drug cartels:

Enrique Low Murtra wanted nothing more than to leave his job as Colombia’s justice minister to open a law office and return to his previous career as a university teacher. ‘I would like to imagine that vengeance is not eternal …’ he said … Two months earlier, on the instruction of Colombia’s president, Virgilio Barco, Low Murtra had signed warrants for the arrest and extradition to the United States on drugs charges of the five leading members of the Medellín Cartel … Faced with constant death threats, the minister sent his daughter out of the country. ‘Even going for a haircut has become a problem,’ he said. So intense did the threats become that, in July 1988, Barco sent him to Switzerland as ambassador … In 1991, he was back in Colombia, working as he had hoped as a law professor at the University of La Salle. No longer in government service, he had no bodyguards. He was gunned down at the entrance to the university.

Over three years had passed since the judge signed arrest warrants. The drug cartels never forget. They can’t let people get away. They need a high fear factor. Revenge and intimidation are key parts of the business.

In the story above a judge is assassinated. Maybe killing law enforcement officials isn’t the same as blowing up the World Trade Center. More from Wikipedia’s article on terrorism:

An abiding characteristic is the indiscriminate use of violence against noncombatants for the purpose of gaining publicity for a group, cause, or individual.

This is how I define terrorism:

Terrorism is the systematic and indiscriminate use of violence against noncombatants for religious, political, ideological, or economic goals.

I include for-profit motives. I also require indiscriminate violence against noncombatants to qualify as terrorism, clearing my uncle and most organized crime, both of which are discriminate.

Narcoterrorism is indiscriminate. Narcos don’t only target law enforcement. My Pablo Escobar article illustrates his tactics. He downed a commercial airliner. He bombed public buildings in Bogota, killing mostly civilians to intimidate the public into supporting a government peace deal. He kidnapped and killed Bogota’s elite families who had nothing to do with law enforcement, but were friends and family of policy makers. Escobar is often referred to as South America’s Hitler.

A disturbing example of narcoterrorism came from Rolling Stone’s American narco in Mexico story earlier this year. After infamous trafficker Arturo Beltran was killed by Mexican Marines, the Beltran Leyva cartel responded:

The night of the funeral for a commando who had been killed in the raid, assassins went to the home of the soldier’s family and machine-gunned his mother, sister, aunt and brother in their sleep, leaving behind nearly three dozen spent bullet casings. (from page 3 of the story)

A soldier’s entire family is killed after his funeral. That turned my stomach. Mexico is currently the heart of narcoterrorism; their cartels have begun to mimic Colombian tactics.

I’ve heard stories of murdered Colombians who had nothing to do with law enforcement. A lawyer helped some campesinos escape their FARC-dominated region. The FARC cell in Bogota killed the lawyer and his whole family. Civilians working noncombatant roles for the government in FARC red zones, if identified, are harassed and stalked even after returning to the city.

Islamic terror garners more global attention, and probably deserves it. It’s more of a threat because Islamofascists fault the US, Europe, and “the West” for their problems. Also, extreme interpretations of the Koran mandate that believers “slay the infidel.” Islamic terror overshadows narcoterrorism, illustrated in the difference between their respective Wikipedia articles. The Islamic Terror article is almost 10,000 words with over 180 sources. The narcoterrorism article is under 500 words, has bad punctuation, and cites only four sources. Mexico’s drug war has claimed 40,000 – 50,000 lives. That’s almost 20 times the casualties on 9/11, just in Mexico!

Will narcoterrorism ever garner the attention it deserves? The US government doesn’t ignore it given Plan Colombia and current efforts in Mexico. But in the hearts and minds of citizens of the developed world, narcoterrorism almost doesn’t exist. It only affects a few countries and doesn’t directly threaten America or Europe. It goes largely unnoticed. When Islamic terror has been subdued, will developed countries turn their attention to for-profit narcoterrorism?

Related posts:

1. Plan Colombia: An Overview
2. Cocaine Cartels and Economics in Colombia
3. Understanding Uribismo
4. Limpiezas in Colombia: Social Cleansing
5. Killing Pablo: Summary and Review

Narcoterrorism: The Other World Terror

Uribismo is the policies of former Colombian president Alvaro Uribe. An uribista is a supporter of those policies. Uribismo on Wikipedia (translated from Spanish):

Democratic Security: Society participates in the war against narco-terrorism, and in improving the police and military. Democratic Security aims to eliminate all forms of terrorism, and to achieve complete state control over security.
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Investor Confidence: Promote foreign investment in Colombia to create more jobs. Aims to position Colombia in the global economy and developing Colombia into a tourist destination. A strong state is needed for this, as detailed in the Democratic Security policy.
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Social Cohesion: Improving quality of life for all. Aiming to bring a state presence to people and places far from the capital, which have served as a refuge for guerrillas and paramilitaries for years. Aiming to improve health care coverage, education, utilities, internet, and environment preservation. With Social Cohesion, inhabitants of remote areas won’t be tempted to join narco-terrorist groups.
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State of Opinion: This makes no sense so I’m not translating it.

This is the official line defining uribismo. Who can argue? As with most political platforms, it’s specifically generic so it doesn’t alienate anyone.

I got a different explanation from a proud uribista. This isn’t the official line, and it’d certainly be disowned by Uribe. But this is how it was explained to me by Proud Uribista. And it’s probably closer to the heart and soul of popular uribismo.

Proud Uribista said he wants more than a strong hand (mano firme) in government. Proud Uribista wanted Uribe to exceed the bounds of legality against the FARC and drug cartels. Proud Uribista believes the government enemies can’t be defeated legally. Cocaine profits make them too powerful. Proud Uribista wanted someone to cross the line in waging war against guerrillas and narco-terrorists. Proud Uribista voted for an aggressive military that doesn’t hesitate to attack the FARC outside Colombia’s borders. Proud Uribista voted for an aggressive government that wouldn’t refrain from any tactic in defeating the FARC.

As I said in Why Petro beat Peñalosa, I didn’t know anybody who wanted Santos for president (I met Proud Uribista after the election). But I once attended a party of mostly paisas. Uribe’s from Medellin. Carlos Castaño was from Antioquia, a Colombian paramilitary hotbed. The party banter turned political. Uribe hadn’t been disallowed from running for a third term, and these paisas were arguing whether he or Santos should be the next president. No other candidate was mentioned. They argued over who would be the biggest paraco. They wanted an ally to the paramilitaries.

Bogota has been far removed from the guerrilla-paramilitary violence that plagues the countryside and small towns, the “pueblo.” But all Colombians can relate to cocaine-funded enemies of the state. The hunt for Pablo Escobar was inarguably helped by the extrajudicial killings of Los Pepes. The spirit of uribismo, according to Proud Uribista and the paisas from that party, seems to be in that same vein of vigilantism.

Fun Facts:

• Alvaro Uribe was one of three world leaders awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by George W. Bush. The other two were Tony Blair and John Howard.
• Uribe attended both Harvard and Oxford universities.
• Uribe’s father was kidnapped and murdered by the FARC in 1983.
• The FARC fired mortars from Bogota’s infamous Cartucho at the Presidential Palace during Uribe’s inauguration. They missed and hit a nearby neighborhood, killing several civilians.
• Uribe enjoyed 80% approval upon leaving office, but his legacy has since been tainted by corruption allegations. Much of his former cabinet is in jail or awaiting trial.

Related posts:

1. Plan Colombia: An Overview
2. Killing Pablo: Summary and Review
3. FARC, Guerrillas, and Paramilitaries in Colombia
4. Why Petro Beat Peñalosa
5. Cocaine Cartels and Economics in Colombia

Understanding Uribismo

Alternate Title: 2011 Bogota Mayoral Election Analysis

If you read my Peñalosa article back in July, you know I think he’s the coolest politician ever. He was a heavy favorite to win the Bogota mayoral race. But he lost to Gustavo Petro. How? This election was Peñalosa’s to lose.

Don’t get me wrong, I think Gustavo Petro’s a great guy. He was an important leader for the Uribe opposition and the engine driver of outing the parapolitica scandal. But he’s a Congressman for Christ’s sake. His forte is policy. How does that qualify him for the role of mayor, a city manager? Peñalosa, on the other hand, is a world-renowned urban development guru. He’s the best guy for any developing world capital, especially this one.

Why did he lose? Simply put, he was endorsed by former president Alvaro Uribe. It’d seem like a good idea to anyone to embrace such an endorsement. Uribe enjoyed 80% approval on leaving office just a year ago. Plus, Uribe was from a different political party, Peñalosa’s Green Party’s nemesis in the last presidential election. In the States when someone crosses the aisle with an endorsement, the benefiting candidate plasters it everywhere he can. Southern Democrat Zell Miller gave the keynote speech at George W. Bush’s 2004 RNC. And Barack Obama’s most important endorsement in 2008 was Bush’s Secretary of State and lifelong Republican Colin Powell.

The difference is this was a local election in Bogota. Bogota is the liberal mecca of Colombia. I spoke to a lot of Colombians in the run-up to the 2010 presidential election between Uribe’s chosen successor and Defense Minister Juan Manuel Santos and former Bogota mayor Antanas Mockus. I didn’t know anyone who wanted Santos. And the only Santos campaign signs I saw were at his headquarters on Calle 72. Everybody in Bogota wanted Mockus. And all the signs were green for Mockus’ and Peñalosa’s Green Party. I was surprised beyond belief when Santos won by 20 points.

The lesson to learn was that I live in a tiny bubble of Colombia – the most urban and progressive in the country. It’s a small section that doesn’t represent the majority of the country which voted for a continuation of the Uribe policies that crippled the FARC. Bogotanos didn’t bear the brunt of guerrilla violence. They were more outraged at human rights violations and corruption in Uribe’s government. People wanted Petro because they want Uribe in jail. My FB friends for Petro didn’t care at all about him before the Uribe endorsement.

The U may win on the national level, but this is Bogota. The liberal mecca. Imagine if, in 2009, George W. Bush had endorsed a Democrat mayoral candidate in a San Francisco or New York primary. It’d sound crazy to an American, but this is about the same. It’s easy to say in hindsight, but Peñalosa should’ve shunned the former president.

If you take another look at the CR article announcing Petro’s victory, note the first comment celebrates not the defeat of Peñalosa, but of Uribe.

Related posts:

1. Enrique Peñalosa and Congestion in Bogota

Why Petro Beat Peñalosa

I’ve taken down the Bogota Brothel Tours site. I’ve closed shop for a plethora of reasons.

I didn’t like it

The most important reason I’d been looking for a way out was simply because I don’t like it. It may be surprising to some readers because of my stories. I went a little crazy when I first moved to South America, but it quickly wore off. I’m not going to say I didn’t slip up at all this year, but the number of times was almost zero. And the 2012 number will be zero. I never want to go to whorehouses. All the gringos I hang out with in Bogota know that I never want to go. Just like strip clubs back in the States, I never want to go.

The problem is Bogota’s ley zanahoria – bars close at 3 am (St. Louis also). So if you want to keep drinking after 3, there are only a few illegal places that stay open. The non-whorehouses are expensive and a taxi ride away. Or they’re sketchy and the only girls are whores anyway. The inexpensive whorehouses are in walking distance. So despite never wanting to go, I end up going anyway when I want to keep drinking.

I don’t like whores. I don’t like whorehouse waitstaff. The whorehouse managers are OK. And to be fair, some of  the whores and whorehouse waitstaff are OK. But most suck. I really didn’t like escorting gringos into Santa Fe. A couple times I had to stare down or mouth off to shady looking thieves. I didn’t enjoy the job from the get-go. I got the idea to sell the business to someone who does enjoy going to those places. The website, content, and inbound links should be worth at least $2,000. Launching and flipping a business would’ve been a nice accomplishment on my entrepreneurial resume.

Hurts credibility as writer

Being associated with the sex industry became too much of a liability for me as a writer. I am a writer, first and foremost. I don’t sell drugs. I’m not a pimp. I’m a writer. I create entertainment. It’s subversive, many people find it offensive. So don’t read it. With the tours, I was trying to find ways in monetizing my writing, which is free. Unfortunately the tours provided ammo for critics to dismiss my writing as promoting sex tourism.

Part of the reason I didn’t sell the business was because I wouldn’t link to it anymore, even if the buyer paid for an ad. I couldn’t in good conscience sell a business I’d refuse to link to.

Colombian disapproval

NEWS FLASH – Colombians don’t approve of gringos setting up sex industry businesses in their country. This actually hadn’t occurred to me before setting up shop. I didn’t think anybody’d care about me. But they did and they made their disapproval known. While prostitution is legal in Colombia, out in the open for all to see, that doesn’t mean they want gringos publishing the fact in English on the internet. And they’re not vying to become a sex tourism hot spot.

Despite what you may assume, I hold high respect for the Colombian government. They’ve persevered in the face of extreme adversity, from guerrillas and paramilitaries to narco-terrorists. I don’t want to be the nemesis of those figures whom I honestly admire. They may not like my stories, but I’m not actively trying to oppose them. So I’m not going to promote an industry they don’t want to see developed.

I don’t want to promote sex tourism

I never intended to promote sex tourism. I thought I could help business travelers and backpackers through the sketchy parts of town. However, it’s impossible to make the argument that the Bogota Brothel Tours website didn’t promote sex tourism. Being criticized, naturally, I started coming up with arguments. I planned to publish an article titled “In Defense of Sex Tourism,” which would’ve made a great case why it’s inevitable for Colombia to become a sex tourism hotspot as the security situation improves.

Sex isn’t only the “world’s oldest profession.” It’s a bona fide industry. Going through business school you probably think of it as beneath you or tainted, sordid. Then I read The Geek-Kings of Smut, an overview of the evolving porn business from it’s Los Angeles-based, brick-and-mortar roots to the current internet age run by geeks. Then I read this in Online porn often leads high-tech way:

Online pornographers have been among the first to exploit new technology for more than a decade — from video-streaming and fee-based subscriptions to pop-up ads and electronic billing. Their bold experimentation has helped make porn one of the most profitable online industries, and their ideas are staples at Fortune 500 companies.

Not only is sex a bona fide industry, it’s often a leading industry. Other industries follow. Tourism is just one small part of the big picture. Thailand is the world’s leader, but Latin America isn’t far behind. The regional leader for Latina sex tourism is Costa Rica (see costaricaticas.com). Costa Rica ranks with Argentina and Panama in its perception of safety and security. If Colombia is ever to enjoy the same perception, the sex tourism will certainly come with it. There’s no stopping it, unless violence and crime return to the levels of ten years ago.

I’ve heard from “Mongers” that many of the sex workers in Costa Rica are Colombians. I’ve met Colombian prostitutes in Peru and Chile. Peru is much poorer than Colombia, yet they don’t export the masses of prostitutes. Colombian women’s propensity for prostitution can’t be attributed to poverty. There must be something in the culture. If a perception of security comes to Colombia, so will the Mongers.

I convinced myself that sex businesses represent capitalist purity. It’s the oldest profession and a leading industry. The only argument against it would have to come from religion – moral reasons. You couldn’t convince me from an economic or scientific standpoint. ”In Defense of Sex Tourism” would’ve been a great article, but I couldn’t bring myself to publish it. Despite all the arguments I could come up with, I didn’t believe it. If I worked in public policy, would I try to develop the industry? No.

Religion

One reason I didn’t list in the End of Expat Chronicles poll was a religious conversion. I didn’t list it because that wouldn’t cause me to shut this site down. I’d just change the content. Several months ago I wrote Conversations with Christians, in which I interviewed two born again friends. Readers may have thought I’d gone crazy or was putting on a show, but I really was attending Mass each Sunday for a few months. I’ve continued to pray and build a relationship with God as I understand Him.

If you put your mind to it, you can reconcile whatever you want with your religion. Before the Civil War the Bible was used to justify slavery. I believe there is a time to kill. Otherwise how would you deal with Hitler? But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t justify brothel tours. I have a good imagination, but not good enough to convince myself of that.

I’m not claiming to be “born again,” but I have been praying every day. If you read my Conversations with Christians post, you’ll see it didn’t happen for those guys overnight. I’m not saying I’m devout or on the path to being so. I’m just saying religion played a part in closing shop, and after I decided that I received a sign not to sell it either. I’m just leaving it behind.

“Todo tiene su final” by Hector Lavoe

Related posts:

1. Bogota Brothel Tours
2. Food Tours in Bogota, Colombia
3. Food Tours NOT for the Middle Class
4. Amanecer: Brothel in Arequipa, Peru
5. Colombia Reports Controversy Part 1

Closing Bogota Brothel Tours

Roosh is a PUA blogger, a pickup artist. He travels the world and has sex with women. Giving advice and detailing his exploits is his job. Not bad, huh? He spent six months in Medellin. He wrote Colombia Bang, a how-to book on getting laid in Colombia. It’s only $5 and worth the investment if you want to bang Colombian women.

Buy Colombia Bang for $5 (using that link supports Expat Chronicles)

The first chapter, “Welcome to Colombia,” doesn’t offer anything new to readers of this blog. However, I’ll highlight this passage on Bogota:

The air pollution is abominable and you may find yourself choking on fumes during taxi rides through congested streets. Without a rail system, the city’s size becomes unmanageable, and getting from one part of town to another is a headache. The weather is mild during the day but cool and rainy at night. There is a slight bohemian and hipster vibe among the females, with Converse shoes and mullets being common among both sexes.

I can’t really argue  However, maybe not on the paisa women but there are exponentially more mullets in Medellin than Bogota.

On Medellin:

The girls here are arguably more attractive because of the shallower paisa culture, which teaches young women to aim for looks instead of brains. Gigantic fake breasts are not uncommon (as well as ass implants), especially in the richest part of town (El Poblado). This creates a cheesier vibe than Bogotá, but Medellín’s permanent summer is also more pleasing to the eyes, since girls don’t need to pile on the thick clothing.

It’s not arguable. Paisa chicks are more attractive. Not only do they spend more time on themselves, but the paisa bloodline is more Spanish and less Indian, and most people prefer the European look.

Roosh chose Medellin because:

[W]ith pleasant weather, bountiful supply of single women, and modern public transportation, it’s a rather easy choice. If you want something more spicy without the gringo hordes, Cali should be your pick. If you want a more progressive vibe along with a large selection of restaurants and clubs then choose Bogotá.

Exactly. Want eternal spring with the best looking white women and friendliest people? Medellin. Want spicy salsa with the biggest butts and flirtiest women? Cali. International metropolis with the best restaurants, nightlife, business opportunities, and museums? Bogota.

The second chapter’s titled “Logistics” and lists travel resources and gringo websites on the lifestyle, followed by sub-sections “Packing,” “Calculating a Budget,” and “A Sound Strategy for Learning Spanish.” The third chapter, “Culture,” gets into the guts of getting laid in Colombia. I’ve highlighted my favorite passages and added my own feedback.

Many girls have a tag technique where they call you and let the phone ring just once so you get the hint and call her back. This is their way of saying they want to talk to you but are unable (or unwilling) to pay for it.

It actually rings less than once. It’s a fraction of a ring. This technique is very popular, especially among prepagos (who there’s no reason to call back anyway) and women of lower morals. In fact, I wouldn’t trust any of the girls who’ve called me like that. However, I myself do this not only to girls but also friends. The reason I do it, however, isn’t because I’m too cheap to use my credit. I do it when I want it to appear as if I called someone when I don’t really want to talk.

Another Colombian nightlife feature is that girls rarely go out with only girls—they go out with other men. Because the girls can’t afford to buy their own drinks (remember they can’t even afford to keep up a balance on their cell phone), they’ll always be trying to go out with guys who will pay their way. It’s common for a girl to check you out but within a protected ring of dudes, leaving you with few options to start an interaction. Since at least one of those guys is paying for drinks and trying to get in her pants, he’ll more often than not be displeased if you make headway with her, and even if you do make headway, she’s not going to hook up with you in front of her social circle.

This is the biggest obstacle to getting laid in Colombia. Nobody says it, but Colombia’s a sausage-fest. It’s not only because girls don’t want to pay for drinks. I attribute it more to the Colombia’s long history of violence. I’ve even heard that outdoor patios like at Irish Pub are a recent phenomenon – most Bogota bars were all closed up to the outside streets for decades. Shootouts were common in Zona Rosa in the 90s.

The only way to avoid the sausage-fest is to hit the most expensive clubs and spend like a gringo on vacation, which may not be in the budget if you live here. But the premiere discotecas of Zona Rosa and Park 93 have plenty of unattended women.

Colombian society is constructed to make it as hard as possible for you to get laid, thwarting you every step of the way.

100% true unless you count banging whores as getting laid. Getting laid with non-gold digger non-prepago Colombianas is difficult. Peru is the opposite. In retrospect, I think I chose Colombia because it was closer to reality. Peru was ridiculous.

I got a chuckle from this one:

American girls are significantly fatter, but Colombian girls aren’t exactly the thinnest culture you’ll come across—it’s very hard to find one who doesn’t have some pudge around her belly or extra fat on her arms … You’ll find a good amount of chubby girls, but not massive cows like in the States.

Even truer in the brisk climate of Bogota.

You’ll find [Colombian girls] to be flakey, unreliable, and seemingly not too serious about fucking, especially at younger ages. The truth is that Colombian girls aren’t as horny as American girls and banging one won’t be the easiest thing you attempt. The moon and the stars have to be aligned almost perfectly for her to decide it’s time to get laid. The result is that you’ll have a pile of numbers that quickly wind up in purgatory … Besides having actual game, the most important quality in gaining your Colombian flag is raw animal persistence.

FLAKY Colombian women. This CAN’T be understated, and it’s worse in Bogota. “Flaky, unreliable, and seemingly not too serious about fucking” – you’re going to deal with a lot of this. “[Y]ou’ll have a pile of numbers that quickly wind up in purgatory” – I couldn’t count them on all my fingers and toes. “The most important quality in gaining your Colombian flag is raw animal persistence” – this is something that’s held me back. I like to think it’s because I have DIGNITY. But I know I’ve dropped lines that didn’t necessarily warrant dropping. If I call a girl three times and we haven’t met, I’m done. Shit, I’d only call three times for a girl I really like. Colombian women will blow guys off for weeks when there may be a chance, partly because Colombian men have that persistence. Also, Colombian women can act like that because they’re so physically attractive; they have all the power. They’re hotter than Brazilian women but brasileras have a better reputation because they’re not such a pain in the ass.

In the United States I don’t advise using the Internet because of the ease of meeting girls in bars and clubs. If a man wants to approach ten girls on a weekend night in any medium-sized American city, he’ll easily be able to do so, since there’s really no shortage of available girls for him to practice his game on.

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It’s a different story in Colombia. There’s a difficulty that doesn’t exist in the States: finding targets. You can be in a huge Colombian club with hundreds of people, dancing to a rotating mix of house music, salsa, or reggaeton, and literally see nothing suitable around you to approach. The reason is because girls hang with other guys, usually at tables. You can approach girls with other guys—and you’ll learn how shortly—but the success rate of these approaches is low because so much of your time is spent integrating yourself into the group rather than gaming your girl. Therefore we must drag the Internet option out of the woodwork to compensate for these nightlife difficulties.

I’ve never liked the internet thing and not gotten into it here, unless you count my marriage ad (for which I did get inquiries) But the fact is Roosh is right, especially if you’re only in Colombia for a short time. Get some leads via internet beforehand. I’d caution you however that internet is the natural habitat of visa-hunting bricheras.

The Internet strategy is a pure numbers game and no doubt you’ll feel like a copy-and-paste monkey, but in the end it does work and personally resulted in my second Colombian bang. Spend at least thirty minutes a day on these sites building up prospects and don’t be cheap when it comes to shelling out money for the pay sites. I’ve met a few guys who had dates lined up during their one-week Colombian vacation by hitting all three sites like a horny grizzly bear. Even one success from Internet gaming will make you feel quite satisfied, especially if it results in your flag.

Interesting.

Day game is a great way to meet girls outside of the artificial club environment and will be a strong preference for guys who aren’t drinkers. In the States it’s used mostly to supplement nighttime activities, but in Colombia day game takes on a more serious importance because of the already mentioned difficulties of meeting Colombian girls in bars. To guarantee your Colombian flag, you’ll have to make more approaches during the day than at night. This isn’t going to be particularly easy or enjoyable, since you’ll be alone without the loosening effects of friends or alcohol, but it has to be done to ensure success.

DAY GAME. Write that down. Also, “[I]n Colombia day game takes on a more serious importance because of the already mentioned difficulties of meeting Colombian girls in bars.” Write that down, too. Because when night falls, this city’s women disappear, especially in Chapinero, Bogota, a neighborhood crawling with hot young Colombianas during the day. It’s like magic – when night falls they disappear. I blame the history of violence.

I actually got turned on to day game from The Mick. He’s always hollering at girls in the street in the mornings and afternoons. Gringos, get it OUT OF YOUR MIND that you’re going to go out at night, meet girls getting drunk, and hook up that way like happens in most of the world and even Latin America. You’re setting yourself up for failure. In Colombia, and especially Bogota, meet them and get numbers during the day, and get to know them later or make evening plans.

Universities in Colombia have armed guards at the gates, so you’ll need to bring your driver’s license or some form of identification to gain access (I don’t recommend bringing your passport, since it may not be stored securely). Tell the guard you’re either thinking of signing up for a language class or would like to study at the library. If that doesn’t work, go to another entrance and simply say you’d like to attend class and need to talk to the director of language studies. Since there are multiple entrances and different guards, you can perform this scam for quite a while.

I live in the heart of Chapinero, surrounded by literally tens of thousands (if not hundreds of thousands) of college students and it never occurred to me to hang out on college campuses. This is a great strategy that forms a central tenet of Roosh’s strategy to getting laid in Colombia.

One criticism of this part of the book is that all his “approaches” in universities revolve around studying Spanish, which is great for backpackers or people here for a short time, but it won’t work for expats. Especially if you have 3+ years in country.

For those of us expats, we’ve all faked not speaking or having poxy Spanish before (especially with cops or when needing a new ticket to Machu Picchu). But I don’t feel comfortable faking it for more than five minutes. It’s just a matter of time before they smell it on you and you’re caught. Something they say is going to provoke a facial expression that gives you away, or you’re going to get annoyed at the slow pace of the conversation and “dramatically improve,” or you’re going to see somebody you know and say “¿Q’HUBO PUES PARCE, BIEN O NO?”

I’ve thought of taking a Spanish literature course at a local university, but I wouldn’t recommend “opening” a girl with a question on the finer points of El olvido que seremos or even Colombian history because most Latinos don’t read. However, if you want a smart one like I do, that’ll weed out the ones who spend all their time watching telenovelas, internet chatting, and taking pictures of themselves. Otherwise, get a new opener. From my experience in opening, just start doing it regularly. If you’re approaching women regularly, openers just pop into your head.

When advising strategy for picking up chicks in the mall, here’s an example of a question to keep her engaged:

…

“Where’s a good place to buy skinny jeans?”

Jesus, Roosh. No man should ever say that in any language. SHUT UP AND SQUAT!

I’ve concluded that going out in the United States is more about meeting someone new, but in Colombia it’s about hanging out with people you already know. You’re further limited by only having three nights to consistently find girls out and about (Thursday, Friday, and Saturday).

Thursday, Friday, Saturday doesn’t apply to Bogota. It takes some research, but there’s rumba 7 days a week unless it’s ley seca or a puente.

I don’t recommend that you open during the day in English because it comes across as presumptive and arrogant, but at night, where you want to be a little arrogant, go ahead and start off in English.

I don’t find it arrogant, but I’m not Colombian. Still, if you don’t speak Spanish then it’s a good way to find chicks who speak English. Keep in mind that any Colombian who speaks English wants to practice. Part of it is showing off but part of it is sincerely wanting to practice. They don’t have loads of immigrants like developed countries do, so good students take advantage. Plus any colombiana who speaks English is probably open to dating gringos.

For instance, avoid buying drinks for girls who don’t reward you with some sort of intimacy first, even though it wouldn’t be expensive to do so.

I generally agree with this advice, and definitely in Gringolandia. And I’m VERY MUCH against picking up all the tabs once dating.

Still, Colombia’s a different story. As Roosh stated, there’s a long line of guys willing to buy all a girl’s drinks. Colombian women (especially attractive ones) are very materialistic. If you come off cheap to a girl you just met, you’ll be dismissed. Plus, in South American bars you buy the whole bottle. If a major part of your sexual strategy is getting a girl drunk, as it is a part of mine and Roosh’s, you want to get the bottle on the table. You can have the girl come out her pockets for the vaca, but it’s faster and more convenient to just take care of it.

If you’re at a place that has a dance floor, I suggest you use it. Dancing is very important to Colombian girls and you should put in a token effort to show her that you’re capable of sharing one of her passions. It’s not important to be a good dancer, since I’ve seen a ton of horrible gringo dancers with decent-looking girls, but it’s important to give it your best for a few songs because there is no bigger buzzkill to a Colombian girl than a guy who doesn’t dance at all.

One word: salsa! Hit the salseras. My favorite is Goze de Pagano in el centro / La Candelaria. Although salsa spots can be terrible about not having unaccompanied women – tables of big groups of girls and guys – it’s no big deal to dance with a girl from another group. It’s actually expected and part of salsa culture. Bring girls you know to trade. Salsa is SEXY. “It’s not important to be a good dancer,” as Roosh says, but if you learn the basic steps it makes a big difference. Not only will your dance partner get into you, but other girls watching will want a piece. The importance of dancing in Colombia and greater Latin America can’t be understated.

Colombia isn’t as much of a one-night stand culture as America, so you’ll find that the pick-up usually ends with a measly number. Even kisses are much harder to come by on the same night you meet, but that’s no surprise because half her social circle will be looking on.

True. I’ve actually been missing gringas for some time. And I always enjoy them when I go back home. The gender roles in developed countries have been blurred. Gringas make the first move. Latinas not so much.

I’m confident that you’ll find getting numbers isn’t especially hard, whether during the day, night, or on the Internet. The hardest part is actually getting them out on dates.

This goes back to their flakiness, and it can’t be understated. Numbers ending up in purgatory.

At this point it’s worth mentioning the prepago, a gold digger who actively seeks out gringos in order to get wined and dined.

This is actually an incorrect definition of Colombian slang. A prepago is a ho. As in, pay a certain amount of cash beforehand, then have sex. You can wine and dine her if you want, but a prepago gets paid in cash for having sex. Colombian slang doesn’t really have a term for gringo-hunters like brichera in Peru, but I’ve heard gringera and cazadora de gringos used.

I can see how Roosh could’ve used ‘prepago’ in that way for months and never been corrected. If talking to any Colombian, it doesn’t necessarily render this passage untrue:

It’s true that some gringos don’t mind dating a prepago, just like how many American men don’t mind dating a girl who’s into him for his money. They know they’re indirectly paying for it anyway, so that fact doesn’t faze them … If you’re not sure if you have a prepago on your hands, ask yourself the following question: “Could a normal Colombian guy afford the things this girl expects from me?” … I estimate that there’s only a 15% chance you’ll actually meet one during your one month or less stay in Colombia.

Maybe due to non-ho Colombianas being such a pain in the ass, the culture of prostitution in Colombia is VAST. There are loads of prepagos. So if a girl pulled some gold digger stunt on you, you could tell a Colombian the story and they’d respond, ‘She’s a ho.’ Hence Roosh’s confusion.

Many prepagos date on the side, and their dating practices are obviously gold digger-esque. So prepagos are more than willing to date gringos. I know some that hang around La Candelaria. They’re a gang of seemingly clean college girls who date gringos and work as hoes in the high end ho-houses up north. Prepagos are so common in this country, I’m 100% positive that at least ONE gringo, maybe as many as FIVE, reading this in Colombia are dating a girl who either has worked or is currently working as a ho. With my experience in the Bogota sex industry, I’m 100% positive.

Only use text messaging if you know for a fact that it’s a method of communication she uses, since she probably won’t have the balance to reply to messages. (I dated a Colombian girl for months who never sent me a single text message.) I also suspect some girls simply don’t “get” text messaging. It’s a safe bet to use it if she sends you messages first, but generally speaking the less Americanized she is, the more likely it is that she won’t.

I’ve never run into this, but I haven’t dealt with any lower estrato girls.

Understand that you can be flexible about contacting her. Many guys who are short on time call the next day and have succeeded that way. I’m a fan of waiting at least two days because you don’t want to show that you’re needy.

Waiting at least two days, popularized in classic bachelor flick Swingers, is standard operating procedure in Gringolandia. However, I’ve reversed course in Colombia. Colombian FLAKINESS makes it so difficult after a few days. The line’s gone cold so many times. And I’ve had seemingly cool-playing Colombian girls call me the very next day after meeting in a drunken rumba, so I started calling the next day while the coals are still hot. I may be wrong here. I shoot myself in the foot a lot. I’m not the expert, Roosh is.

In fact, cute young girls are so flakey that we need to introduce a specific move that will greatly reduce the likelihood of the flake. After telling her you’re going to confirm the date on Thursday afternoon, simply give her radio silence once Thursday rolls by. Don’t contact her. If she attempts to call or text you at some point in the late afternoon or early evening, that means she got anxious or excited about going out with you and wanted to ask if the date is still on for the night. Pick up the phone or text her back and set the time as usual. (If she attempts to contact you in the morning or early afternoon, it’s probably to cancel.) There are times I’ve pulled this move and the girl didn’t call or text me, meaning she didn’t give a shit about me to see if the date was on or not.

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I don’t recommend using this move on girls who are showing extraordinary interest or who were easy to get in touch with. You’ll know to use it on those girls who took two weeks simply to get on the phone or agree to a date. Always use it on wishy-washy girls, but restrain from using it on girls who have given you zero flakey suspicions.

EXCELLENT idea. I wish I’d done something similar with the more attractive girls who I let go. Maybe, with those ones, use this tool and don’t take it personally if they don’t call. Then employ a little “raw animal persistence” after the missed date, acting as if nothing happened.

For some reason, Messenger has taken hold in South America and is the preferred instant chat program, above AIM, Google Chat, or Yahoo Messenger … It’ll be a given that her email will be from Hotmail, so you can plug that into Messenger and her contact will pop up. That said, don’t use Messenger. It ties you to the computer and offers no benefits over email when it comes to setting dates.

I just want to gripe about how Microsoft dominates Latin America. Seriously, Latinos reading this, don’t have a Hotmail address in 2011. Make the switch to Gmail. You’ll thank me later. On a sidenote, however, FB chat has supplanted Messenger and Google Chrome has spanked IE down in the browser industry due to its inherent bad-ass-ness and also poor bandwidth / slow internet connections.

Besides getting stood up, a bad thing that could happen on the date is her bringing along a relative, invariably a “cousin.” In that case, she’s pegging you for a chump that’s going to treat them both to drinks. You have two options here to save face: call a friend to come and occupy the cousin or say you forgot your money and have to go home to get it.

There’s actually another option: making her pay. I really wish more gringos would start doing this, because you’re fucking it up for the rest of us. Don’t be weak.

This is actually some ho shit if you ask me. Gold digger at best, but hoes do this. Unfortunately it’s common, though it’s never happened to me. Being a PUA, Roosh was surely attracting everything and anything he could. But the other guys I know who this has happened to, for most it’s happened more than once. Yet never to me. Noticing that is when I formed an abstract theory on what kind of people you attract. Some guys attract those women like bees to honey. I don’t. It’s like they can smell the frugality and brokeness on me despite being a gringo.

Now this is where I tell you that Colombian girls are harder to kiss than American girls. There is an unfortunately high chance that she won’t let you get close enough for the kiss at the second venue. Then you’ll have to make a last ditch effort before you escort her home or into a taxi. The best way to know if a girl is ready to be kissed is if you get in really close to her face and she holds steady while maintaining eye contact. If she can’t keep eye contact and does her best to look away, she’s definitely not ready.

I have a different way of dealing with proper-actin’ Latinas, though I imagine it’s not consistent with PUA practices. It works for me. I call it “bulldozing the bitch.” Best case scenario, you’re making out. Worst case, you know where you stand and don’t waste any more time. And even in those worst cases, those silly bitches often hit me up later on FB after I forgot about them.

After you’re done beating her pussy up (congrats on your flag), call her a taxi, assuming she doesn’t want to stay. This is the point where she may make several comments about how much a taxi costs. For theatrical effect, she may look through her purse and have an exasperated look on her face as if she forgot her massive wad at home. She may then straight-up ask for money. If I like the girl, I take a hard line: I don’t give her anything. I tell her that she’s welcome to spend the night and take the bus in the morning. If I never want to see the girl again, I give her the taxi money to get rid of her.

I’m against paying for everything, but I’m not against getting the taxi especially beforehand. I’ve mostly heard it before a booty call. They want to come over but don’t have taxi fare. If that’s going to make or break the deal, get the taxi. Also, you have to keep in mind that America’s 10% unemployment is historically high. Colombia’s 10% unemployment is historically low. A lot of people, especially young people, simply don’t have money.

The reason I don’t think you should give taxi money to a girl you like is because she’ll lose respect for you afterward. We want her to see us as a man she has to put in effort to spend time with, not a wallet that she just has to show up, eat, drink, and spread her legs for. If she wants the benefits of dating a fun gringo, she has to pay for the cab ride to have a good time with him. Besides having to please you, that’s the most we’re going to ask from her. In the end, dating a middle class girl will always be preferred over dating poor girls, where the line between a normal relationship and prostitution becomes blurry.

Couldn’t have said it better myself. Definitely don’t pick up all the tabs unless she’s pooped out a few of your kids already.

[W]hen you return home and start macking again, something will seem off. The women in your country will be hideous, fat, cold, and full of masculine attitude. You’ll feel lethargic, uninspired, and unmotivated. And this is where you’ll miss Colombian women. Their jealousy and neediness, which you found annoying at the time, will turn out to be endearing and almost charming. Their femininity and ability to please a man will be miles ahead of the girls you meet at your favorite watering hole back home. You’ll stare at the calendar, check your budget, see how many days off you can get from work, and then plan your glorious return.

A great ode not just to Colombian women, but Latinas in general. My first Latin girlfriend was a Brazilian over ten years ago and, while I didn’t realize it at the time, I’m certainly past the point of no return. Although I do occasionally miss gringas, I’m resolved to my lifelong love affair with the Latin woman.

Whether you’re pondering a trip to Colombia or you’ve already gotten residency, Colombia Bang is a useful guide in getting laid in Colombia. It’s five fuckin’ dollars, and buying a copy keeps this blog in business. It’s a great read, so what are you waiting for?

Buy Colombia Bang for $5. Also, don’t forget you’ll have most success meeting women DURING THE DAY. Roosh wrote a non-country-specific guide for that called Day Bang.
(buying those links supports Expat Chronicles)

If you don’t care about the thrill of the hunt, you can always get right down to the sex in Bogota with security, translation, and guidance through Bogota’s red light districts

I know a lot of people have less than loving feelings for PUA and the seduction community. So if you want to air those complaints, I’m going to be a little lax on my comment policy when it comes to respect. Roosh is a public figure, as are other PUA writers, so they can handle a little more criticism. However, you still have to use your real name unless you’re commenting under the name of your linked website.

Related posts:

1. A Brichera in Bogota, Colombia
2. Sex with Minors in Medellin
3. La Calera, Guatavita, and Girardot, Colombia
4. My 1st Orgy in Colombia
5. All Colombian Women Cheat

Colombia Bang: E-Book by Roosh V

There’s something different about Colombian women. They take extraordinary pride in their beauty.

Don’t get me wrong, all beautiful women are vain. I almost married a gringa five years ago. This beautiful gringa had a gang of hot gringa friends, and their favorite time of the night was picture-taking. They knew how to pose and smile. Then they’d all clamor to look at the pictures, and I knew they were clamoring to look at themselves in the shot.

Vanity is the excessive belief in one’s own abilities or attractiveness to others.

Latinas are a more feminine breed and they take picture-taking to a new level. Colombianas are the worst, maybe because of the model industry in their country. Any day of the week, check out the Colombia Reports Lite page. The entire celebrity gossip scene in Colombia is about models. Their beauty pageants make national news. The pageant winners are household names. They literally worship these silly bitches.

In America beauty pageant winners are largely a joke. They’re morons. In Colombia they’re glorified. Unfortunately, normal Colombian girls aspire to be models.

I have Facebook friends who have albums of themselves. Not just photos, albums. Each album may have 20 – 50 photos, and some have a dozen or so albums. Some even create Facebook fan pages for themselves! Their albums feature photos of them sitting or standing in the exact same place. They’re holding their camera out, changing position or smile, and snapping off dozens and dozens of shots of themselves with slight tweaks to their eyes, smiles, whatever. I’ve never seen such vanity in my life.

Vanity is the excessive belief in one’s own abilities or attractiveness to others.

I didn’t realize this until I was in Medellin one night and a paisa chick, trying to flirt, asked me for my camera. She said she loves photos. She proceeded to take shots of herself. She changed angles, smiles, her eyes. She didn’t change them, she merely tweaked them, for dozens of shots. Dozens. By the time she gave the camera back, she’d deleted all the photos except her favorite. That was the moment I realized the vanity in Colombian women.

There was another Colombian girl with whom I had a brief – very brief – affair. She was proud to be a part of a model agency. She was cute, but certainly no model. I almost wanted to tell her, “Honey, you’re great, but stop this model nonsense. You’ll never be a model.” I never told her before it was over. She never got the point. She was one of these models that worked as a brand girl in Centromayor or whatever, selling laundry detergent or what have you.

In Colombia there’s this unhealthy glorification of models and immaculate beauty. It’s fucked up.

I also think it’s a reason why Colombia has such a VAST PROSTITUTION INDUSTRY. And why Colombian women have so much power over their men. Shit, in almost every gringo-colombiana couple I know, the woman has all the power in the relationship (gringo friend, if you have to ask, you have your answer).

Seriously, to the Colombian men, and to the gringos who date Colombian women, stand up and be a man. Put these silly bitches in their place. They might be fine, but as a wise man once told me, “No matter how fine she seems, keep in mind that some guy is tired of fucking her.”

If in doubt of what I’m saying, go through your Facebook female friends from Colombia. See how many of them have ALBUMS and ALBUMS of themselves, nobody else, themselves in the same spot, with dozens and dozens of photos of themselves in the same spot, slightly tweaked. They get off on themselves. It’s quasi-gay if you ask me.

Here’s a perfect example. Not to be a hater, but check out this Natalia Hoyos woman. Facebook regularly recommends that I “subscribe” to her. Why would I do that? Why would I give a shit about her? What does she offer besides being a model? Most importantly, some dumb ass Colombian friends of mine must subscribe to her if FB thinks I’d be a good fit too. This is the role model for too many young Colombian women.

Is there any doubt about the extreme vanity in Colombian women? I’m running the risk of being FB deleted because I have many female friends who I’m describing to a T.

Related posts:

1. All Colombian Women Cheat
2. Colombian Painter Fernando Botero
3. Colombian Food: 1st Impressions
4. Contributed Story: Chasing Women in China

Vanity and Colombian Women

Alternate Title: Gonzo Crashes and Burns!

Gonzo is a gringo buddy in Bogota. Mikey’s a friend from St. Louis who recently arrived to learn Spanish and gain international business experience. Tetona’s the girl I was seeing at the time of this story.

We all went out drinking on August 5. I remember the date because Colombia had just beaten South Korea in the World Cup U-20, which was hosted in Colombia this year. Hosting the tournament was a great honor for this historically troubled country, and the Colombian team had a good squad, so there was a tremendous amount of energy throughout Bogota and Colombia.

Tetona, Mikey, and I went to meet Gonzo at the Carulla at Calle 85 and Carrera 15. They have a giant screen displayed over almost a square block of flat concrete for a giant crowd to get drunk while watching the game. Gonzo’s from Canada, so I don’t believe he gave a shit about soccer before going expat. However he adopted it and is now a passionate fan. He bought a Colombian jersey he wears every time the national selection plays, and was wearing it on this night.

Mikey and I, on the other hand, don’t give a shit about soccer. I like the energy when the national team plays, so I’m down to party. It’s nice to meet a bunch of friends for beer and guaro with the game in the background. But I don’t necessarily want to actually watch soccer.

That’s why Mikey, Tetona, and I were late in meeting Gonzo at the Carulla. We arrived just as the game ended. Colombia won, so everybody was going crazy and blowing these obnoxious fucking horns. If I could change anything about Colombian soccer fans, it’d be the obnoxious horns they blow. They’re not bad if someone’s not blowing one right next to you. They actually add to the energy and vibe if they’re just going off in your exterior perimeter. But if you go to the heart of the action where thousands of fans were just watching Colombia win, the horns are enough to make your temper short.

I had to get away from the horns so the four of us headed south on 15. Six or seven blocks later it was OK. Gonzo was already wasted from drinking beer and guaro during the entire game with Colombian strangers. Mikey and I tried to catch up. We chose a small bar with a patio.

Next to our table were a group of three girls in nursing outfits. I had Tetona for later but I’m always trying help out hungry homies, so I started a conversation with them. Our groups merged. The boys and girls in play included Gonzo, Mikey, a slim OK looking girl, a chubby but cute girl, and another girl I don’t remember at all.

Mikey is what I’d call “devastatingly handsome.” Any time you’re out on the hunt and meeting girls, one of the girls is always going to want Mikey. It’s inevitable. One night at a salsero I was talking up a couple girls and got bored. I told him to practice his Spanish with them for a minute while I go pour guaro down my throat. I was gone for 3 minutes at most, and when I came back one of the girls was rubbing his arm up and down and staring into his eyes, completely hypnotized by his looks. Some dudes got it like that.

NO HOMO but I’m quite confident women find Gonzo handsome, but not irresistibly handsome. Women don’t throw themselves at him like they do at Mikey, but Gonzo definitely does well. He’s got game. He’s banged women in bar bathrooms, he’s been with a significant number of women, he’s no chump.

Chubbs took a liking to Mikey, so told me Tetona. She said Chubbs licked her lips while looking at Mikey, and that’s a sure sign. Mikey’d been in town a week at most and spoke no Spanish. But if you look like him it doesn’t matter.

Gonzo, who’s been in South America just over a year, didn’t speak much Spanish when we first started hanging out. But he’s taken classes and been immersed in the language, so he’s starting to speak just fine.

Gonzo started acting, well, gonzo. These girls turned out to be gynecology students. He started joking about their job. He imitated looking into a vagina, and used his arms to demonstrate spreading the walls and turning his head all about to look around. Latin men, while they can be hilarious to party with, have a different sense of humor. Latin women aren’t used to jokes like that, and these Latinas’ reaction was positive. Slim-N-OK seemed interested in Gonzo.

Gonzo’s gonzo behavior didn’t let up. At some point he was proclaiming that he worked as a stripper. He stood up and demonstrated what he told them was his main move. He said he stands over the woman’s head, then he squatted down so his ass came to his ankles. He squatted down several times to his ankles and explained he picks up bills from women’s mouths with his ass cheeks. He mimicked the motion of picking up bills with ass cheeks several times. I was laughing my ass off. The girls were shocked but excited.

Our server told us the bar was closing. It was time to move on. Chubbs definitely wanted Mikey, and Slim-N-OK was interested enough in Gonzo that she was willing to come with us to the next bar. The Forgettable-One went home.

I chose the next bar, Cafe Sirope at Calle 60 and Octava in Chapinero. It’s a lounge and primarily a date spot. It has hip decor and good music with videos. It’s the kind of music upper-class Colombians listen to (think Manu Chao). I used to live around the corner from Cafe Sirope. They know me well.

So the six of us – me, Tetona, Mikey, Chubbs, Gonzo, and Slim-N-OK – found a taxi willing to let all of us pile in. I usually sit in front because I’m the tallest, but for whatever reason I had the back-left-window seat with Tetona on my right. Mikey sat in front. Chubbs and Slim-N-OK sat to the right of Tetona, and after they’d squeezed in Gonzo dove in on top of their laps. His arms rested on Tetona’s lap, his head almost reaching the space in front of me.

As soon as Slim-N-OK, who was sitting next to the right-side window, closed the door, Gonzo screamed, “AAAAGGGHHHH, ¡¡¡mi dedo de pie!!!”

He kept screaming as the taxi started toward 60 and 8th, “¡Mi dedo de pie, hijueputa!”

He kept screaming “¡Mi dedo de pie!” He turned to see the girls under him and said, “¡Voy a cagar!” (I’m going to shit).

He went on, “Voy a cagar en tu cara (I’m going to shit in your face) … Voy a cagar rojo (I’m going to shit red) … ¡Sangre, sangre! (Blood, blood!) … Voy a cagar sangre en tu cara (I’m going to shit blood in your face) … Cancer, vas a ver mi cancer! (Cancer! You’re going to see my cancer!) … ” Everybody, except Mikey but including the taxi driver, understood everything Gonzo said.

Always trying to help hungry homies, I implored him in English to chill out. He switched to English, and actually completely moderated his tone to tell me in English with a straight face, “You have no idea how much my toe hurts.” I said something and he replied, “You see that light that’s on?” I noticed that the interior light of the taxi above our heads was indeed on. “That’s because of my toe,” he explained, implying the back-right door hadn’t shut all the way because his toe had impeded its closing.

His moderate English tone immediately went back to crying out in Spanish for the few more minutes until we arrived at 60 and 8th. I ushered everyone into the spot. It was empty, we had the place to ourselves. I chose a table near the back which had three sofas (always helping the homies). Tetona and I settled into the one in the corner (always helping homies). The two gynecology students sat down and I noticed their completely different vibe – very defensive. They had sat down next to each other in the middle couch.

Mikey had bee-lined to the bathroom before I’d even picked a table, and Gonzo was last to the table. The third sofa had no arms, and Gonzo stretched out onto it in a lying position with his feet next to the girls’ sofa. He spread his legs out, opening his crotch and casually laid his head in his hands and, looking at the girls stuck out his tongue in a licking motion. I couldn’t hold back my laughter. He was sexually taunting them. The girls didn’t find it funny. Their defenses intensified.

Mikey came to the table, seeming surprised and disappointed at the seating arrangement. What can you do? I poured beer into my face.

Gonzo sat up and Mikey sat down. I poured beer into my face. Small talk was attempted. It lasted for a beer or two. The shot clock was winding down, and when Slim-N-OK went to the bathroom Mikey made his move. He switched couches to position himself next to Chubbs and slapped his arm down on her thigh. I started kissing Tetona to take some attention off and push the envelope (always helping the homies).

There was certainly a peck, and maybe a quick tongue kiss between the two. But soon Slim-N-OK returned and had to sit down next to Gonzo. Her mood affected Chubbs and it was decided they had to go. We asked for the check. I must’ve gone to the bathroom, because I never heard Gonzo ask Tetona to put the check box in her purse.

Cafe Sirope is a fine lounge, maybe even a “hipster” place on gringo standards. They have elegant boxes to present the check – I’d describe them as painted “jewelry boxes” in English. Gonzo succeeded in convincing Tetona to put the box in her purse while I was in the bathroom.

When I came back we sorted out the bill and left. In the taxi, I don’t remember what Gonzo said but Tetona speaks perfect English. Whatever he said angered her, and she hit him over the head with the box several times. I didn’t know what she was hitting him with. I found out later. When we got back to my place she showed me the jewelry box she hit Gonzo with.

When we all got out near my place, Gonzo got in an argument with the taxi driver over the previously agreed-upon fare. Gonzo insulted him in Spanish, and the taxi driver insulted him verbally and manually before driving off. The girls were so ostracized that Mikey barely got a kiss from Chubbs before they were both in a taxi headed home. Gonzo was pissed about the taxi and all he spent, but I couldn’t stop laughing about everything that happened. We all went our own ways.

After Tetona left the next morning, I called Gonzo to tell him how he shot himself in the foot and also how funny he was the night before. He said he didn’t care because the girls were “fat and ugly.”

I returned the jewelry box to Cafe Sirope.

Ever since that night, I’ve sincerely complimented Gonzo on his progress in Castellano. That’s how, if you’re genuinely an asshole, IT DOESN’T SERVE TO SPEAK SPANISH.

P.S. “Gonzo” regularly leaves negative comments on this site under his real name. Feel free to rip him up!

Related posts:

1. Not Every Peruana Wants a Gringo

When Speaking Spanish Doesn’t Serve

Alternate Title: My Definitive Pablo Escobar Post

Killing Pablo by Mark Bowden, from the jacket:

(buying the book through that link supports Expat Chronicles)

Here is the story of the brutal rise and fall of Colombian cocaine cartel kingpin Pablo Escobar, whose criminal empire held a nation of thirty million hostage – a reign of terror that would only end with Escobar’s death. In an intense, up-close account, award-winning journalist Mark Bowden exposes never-before-revealed details of how U.S. operatives covertly led the sixteen-month manhunt. Drawing on unprecedented access to the soldiers, field agents, and key Colombian and U.S. officials involved in the chase, as well as top-secret documents and transcripts of Escobar’s intercepted phone conversations, Bowden creates a gripping narrative that is epic in scope, a tour de force of investigative journalism, and a stark portrayal of rough justice in the real world.

This book is Colombian history required reading.

MAD SPOILERS

Killing Pablo begins with the 1948 assassination of Jorge Eliécer Gaitán Ayala (whose face is on the 1000 peso bill), which sparked the infamous riot Bogotazo and La Violencia, the civil war that some could argue hasn’t yet ended. Learning about this time in Colombia illustrates the degree of violence the country’s seen. The war was genocidal, it was terrorism, it was indiscriminate killing. Colombia has one of the most violent histories in the world. That time provides context for how a man like Pablo Escobar came to be.

Then the book details Escobar’s early life in Medellin, a normal paisa upbringing during La Violencia. He took to smoking marijuana early and dropped out of school, eventually turning to petty crime. Petty crime turned into stealing cars and kidnapping. As Escobar climbed the criminal ladder, his propensity for violence increased.

Sometimes the victim was killed after the ransom was paid, just to make a point. It was murder, but a kind of murder that can be rationalized … Pablo lived in a world where accumulation of wealth required the capacity to defend it. Even for legitimate usinessmen in Medellin there was little effective or honest law enforcement. If someone cheated you, you either accepted your losses or took steps yourself to settle the score. If you grew successsful enough, you had to contend with corrupt police and government officials who wanted a piece of your profits. This was especially true in Pablo’s new illicit business. As the amounts of money and contraband grew, so did the need to enforce discipline, punish enemies, collect debts, and bribe officials. Kidnapping or even killing someone who had cheated him not only kept the books balanced; it sent a message.

Pablo Escobar became a mass murderer. At the same time he adopted a keen sense  of catering to public opinion. Escobar’s credited with the 1971 kidnapping of Conservative industrialist Diego Echavarria, who was wildly unpopular among the paisa lower classes. Echavarria was killed after his family paid the $50,000 ransom. Escobar later became an expert at manipulating the Colombian public.

So Escobar was already an established gangster by the late 1970s when the US market developed a strong demand for cocaine. Escobar’s known as a cocaine kingpin, but he lent little to the production, smuggling, or sale of the drug. He rose to the top using violence or the threat of violence. He became the boss because he was the most feared.

Escobar was among a cadre of narcotraffickers who quickly amassed great wealth. Their excesses were jaw-dropping (most famous was Escobar’s personal zoo, of which the hippos were killed soon after I moved to Colombia). Escobar wanted more than money, he wanted honor and adulation. He doled out huge amounts of money on public works for the poor. In 1982 he was elected a substitute congressman (in the National Congress!).

The first day of the new congressional session, with Escobar present, newly appointed justice minister Rodrigo Lara, a politician whose pet issue was going after drug money’s influence in government, denounced Escobar on the floor of Congress:

Morality is one thing … but it is another thing when somebody runs a campaign exclusively with these funds … [We have] a congressman who … through astute business deals in bicycles and other things, appears with a gigantic fortune, with nine planes, three hangars at the Medellin airport, and creates the movement ‘Death to Kidnappers,’ while on the other hand, mounts charitable organizations with which he tries to bribe a needy and unprotected people. And there are investigations going on in the United States, of which I cannot inform you here tonight in the House, on the criminal condust of Mr. Ortega’s alternate.

Soon after, national newspaper El Espectador published mugshots of Pablo Escobar from a 1976 arrest. Weeks later, ABC-TV aired a documentary naming Pablo Escobar as the top cocaine trafficker in Colombia.

[Escobar's] fall from grace was hard and fast … Pablo was publicly denounced by Galán and kicked out of the New Liberal Party … [T]he revelations of past arrests and new arrest warrants were too much to overcome.

Escobar’s Terror Campaign Begins

The Colombian public soon became familiar with what the Medellin underworld had long known about Escobar’s brutality:

Lara was murdered three months later. Riding in his chauffeur-driven Mercedes in northern Bogota, he was hit by seven bullets from a machine pistol wielded by an ex-convict on a motorcycle … The bullet-proof vest given him by U.S. ambassador Lewis Tambs was found on the seat beside him. It probably would not have helped.

El Espectador editor Guillermo Cano Isaza wrote:

For some time now these sinister men have managed to create an empire of immorality, tricking and making fools of the complacent, doling out crumbs and bribes upon them while a cowardly and often entranced populace stood idly by, content with their illusions and entertained by stories of their jet-set lives.

Soon after publishing that, Cano was assassinated outside his office.

By the end of 1987 there were killings in the news almost every day in Bogotá. The new U.S. ambassador, Charles Gillespie, began warning Washington that the escalating violence in Colombia was threatening to topple the state, and the National Security Council began preparing a “comprehensive national strategy” to shore up the government.

In May 1989, Pablo’s men set off a car bomb in Bogotá alongside a vehicle carrying General Miguel Maza, the head of the DAS. Six people were killed and fifty more injured. The wheels of Maza’s car melted on the asphalt in the heat of the blast, but the sturdy general, who was leading the hunt for Pablo, stepped out unhurt.

On August 18 [1989], a sicario with a Uzi submachine gun shot down [presidential candidate] Galán as he made a campaign speech before supporters in Soacha, a town southwest of Bogota. Three months later, in an effort to kill Galán’s successor candidate, César Gaviria, his men planted a bomb on an Avianca airliner, blowing it out of the sky. One hundred and ten people were killed, including two Americans.

That same day, Escobar hit men killed Antioquia police colonel Waldemar Franklin. Also killed in 1989 were the Unión Patriótica presidential candidate José Antequera, El Espectador lawyer Hector Giraldo, Bucaramanga radio newsman Luis Vera, judge Martha Gonzales’s father, Medellin reporter Jorge Vallejo, Antioquia governor Antonio Roldan, superior tribunal magistrate Carlos Valencia, and more.

That same year, Forbes listed Escobar as the seventh-richest man in the world with $25 billion.

Changing Attitudes in Washington

Around the same time, American public opinion turned strongly against cocaine with the crack epidemic and Reagan’s “Say NO to Drugs.” Plus, the power the traffickers wielded was destabilizing the region. The Cold War was still on, and US officials worried socialist regimes would get in bed with the cartels. A photo of Escobar’s cocaine being shipped from Nicaragua emerged (1980sSandinistas‘ Nicaragua).

After ten years of Plan Colombia, using US military to combat drugs doesn’t seem outside the box. But in the 1980s it was unprecedented. The new political implications led the US government to consider Escobar a “clear and present danger.” The potential for teaming with socialists set the stage. The Americans killed in the Avianca bombing sealed the deal. The Bush administration successfully made the legal argument that Escobar could be targeted for military assassination.

Over the next five years, the United States would basically underwrite a secret war in Colombia … The U.s. might have been considering acting unilaterally, if necessary, but Bush clearly preferred cooperation from Colombia.

Bloque de Busqueda

Colombia formed the Bloque de Busqueda, the Search Bloc, a special police force with the sole aim of apprehending high profile Medellin Cartel figures, namely Pablo Escobar. The force was headed by Colonel Hugo Martinez.

Finding Pablo would be especially daunting, not only for his brutality. The seventh-richest man in the world, Escobar “practially owned Medellin … including much of its police force …” For this reason no paisas were allowed in the Search Bloc, not that many wanted in. This probably kept corruption at bay, but it didn’t make for effective policing in Medellin. Imagine a similar police force in Texas comprised only of non-Texans.

In the first two weeks of its inception, Escobar killed 30 of the Search Bloc’s 200 men.

Centra Spike

For years the US had CIA and DEA agents operating in Colombia. For Pablo they introduced US special ops team Centra Spike.

Centra Spike was designed to offer an array of support intelligence, but its primary specialty was finding people. Eavesdropping on radio and telephone conversations from the air, its members were capable of pinpointing the origin of a radio or cell-phone call with amazing accuracy within seconds.

Planes flew around Medellin listening for Pablo and other Medellin Cartel leaders’ voices on radio or satellite phones. Their conversations were listened to by native Spanish-speaking US soldiers and recorded for Colonel Hugo Martinez’s Search Bloc.

The men of Centra Spike are really interesting. Bona fide spies. A bit on them:

Centra Spike’s team lived in hotel rooms, moving frequently … They avoided restaurants and bars and did their professional best to blend in colorlessly. Secrecy was not just Centra Spike’s protection; it was an essential part of its strategy. So long as their target remained unaware of Centra Spike, the unit would hear and see a lot more. In time, the unit’s goal was to electronically infiltrate the cartel and crawl inside the heads of the men who ran it. Only a handful of people at the U.S. embassy, the ambassador and the CIA station chief, and maybe one or two trusted aides, knew …

A colorful paragraph on the lifestyle of a Centra Spike agent:

When it was impossible to penetrate an organization with a spy, Centra Spike could get inside from a distance, placing “ears on a target.” It still meant that guys like Jacoby would have to move in and stay, often in very dangerous places. In San Salvador, members of the team would leave their hotels in the morning and drive to their airport base as fast as they could go, speeding ninety miles an hour through railroad underpasses where guerrillas liked to lob grenades. For techies like them, few jobs offered the same mix of intellectual stimulation and heart-pounding danger and excitement. If a detachment of Marxist guerrillas was hiding in the hills of Nicaragua, there wasn’t time to do laboratory experiments and write papers and wait for peer reviews. Centra Spike had to come up with a way to find them and track them, for as long as necessary. The unit had ample funding to move fast, adapt, and improvise, and its members enjoyed the urgency and importance men feel when others’ lives depend on their work. Add to that the sense of doing good, of making the world a better place, of serving the United States of America. The work was so compelling that it had undone more than one marriage in the unit, and made some of the men strangers to their children.

In short, Centra Spike provided intelligence which Colombian forces acted on. Much of it was time sensitive, as in, “He’s at this location – GET HIM!” Centra Spike’s first target was cartel lieutenant Jose Gonzalo Rodriguez Gacha, who they pinpointed at a finca near Bogota. They passed the info to Colombian president Barco, who ordered the air force to “destroy the finca and everyone in it.” The leading pilot spotted a nearby pueblo, making the mission too dangerous to civilians, so the attack was called off last minute.

But this illustrates how Centra Spike’s intelligence fed Colombian law enforcement, although usually in the form of on-the-ground raids which ended in the target being “killed in shootouts with police.”

Escobar’s New Terror Campaign and Manipulation of Public Opinion

As seen earlier, Escobar had a sense for public opinion. He saw himself as a man of the people, an average paisa from Antioquia made good, battling the power elite in Bogota. The national government and press industry is centered in Bogota, and closely linked. Power’s passed between a small club, as in the rest of Latin America. Current president Juan Manuel Santos is from such a family. His great uncle was a former president and owner of El Tiempo.

Escobar’s next move was to pressure the powerful families in Bogota, “We will begin to go for the oligarchs and burn the houses of the rich.” Soon after the inauguration of president Cesar Gaviria, who ran on a hawkish platform against cartels, Escobar kidnapped journalist Diana Turbay, daughter of former president Julio Turbay, plus four members of her news team. He then kidnapped El Tiempo editor Francisco Santos and the son of the paper’s owner. Not done, he kidnapped Marina Montoya, the sister of president Barco’s top aide; Maruja Pachon, sister-in-law of assassinated presidential candidate Galán and wife of a prominent congressman, and the sister of the congressman.

Escobar and other traffickers billed themselves “The Extraditables,” and began to play on anti-gringo sentiment and nationalism to repeal its extradition treaty. Extradition to the US was their biggest fear; they believed they could always manipulate justice in Colombia, but not America. He started a letter writing campaign to the public making the case for outlawing extradition in a rewriting of the Colombian Constitution. He claimed his “detentions” of media and government figures were in response to atrocities in the slums of Medellin committed by the Search Bloc.

A new group sprung up, “The Notables.” The Notables were powerful Bogota figures in favor of striking a deal with Escobar. The group comprised of relatives of the kidnapped civilians being held hostage by Escobar. The Notables, who were from president Gaviria’s same social circle, pressured him. They argued the drug traffickers should be treated as revolutionaries like M-19 as opposed to criminals.

At the same time, Escobar’s bombing campaign in Bogota plus the continuing violence in Medellin (he had an open 5 million peso award for any police officer killed) began to weigh on the Colombian public. They wanted an end to the violence. The pressure on the president to strike a deal was immense. In Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s words, “Gaviria stood, pale as death.”

Surrender, Imprisonment, and Escape

The Colombian Search Bloc, US special ops, and the embassy were pissed when Escobar’s strategy worked. They were on the verge of catching him in Medellin; they’d narrowly missed him twice. But on the day Colombia outlawed extradition, Pablo Escobar turned himself in. Some of his hostages were killed, but most were released.

Pablo’s “confession,” part of his deal with the state, would ignore the kidnappings, the murders of Turbay and Montoya, the thousands of car-bomb victims, political victims, murdered judges and police officers … Pablo acknowledged only one crime: acting as a middleman in a French drug deal arranged by his dead cousin Gustavo. In purely legal terms, he did not even admit he was guilty of that. He had been tried and convicted in absentia by French authorities, and, according to Pablo’s carefully crafted statement “That country’s penal code … gives one the right to apply for a revision of their case, when they appear before their national judge, in this case a Colombian judge. This is precisely the objective of my voluntary presentation to this office, in other words, to have a Colombian judge examine my case.”

Escobar thought he’d eventually get the conviction tossed by a Colombian judge. In the mean time, he and other Medellin Cartel figures would serve time in La Catedral, a prison he built for himself which the government had agreed to. The prison was outfitted with big screen TVs, stereo equipment, waterbeds, and more. They regularly had women brought in (normal in Latin American prisons). Search Bloc officers weren’t allowed within 100 meters.

The prison guards were no more than Pablo’s employees, and the army checkpoints just waved Pablo’s trucks through. The inmates facetiously referred to the regular truck route as the “tunnel.” To have plenty of cash on hand, Pablo shipped in tightly rolled American hundred-dollar bills in milk cans, which would be buried in the fog of dawn at places around the prison. Two of the cans, each containing at least $1 million, were buried under the soccer field. A bar was installed, with a lounge and a disco. For the gymnasium there was a sauna. Inmates’ “cells” were actually more like hotel suites, with living rooms, small kitchens, bedrooms, and bath. Workmen began constructing small, camouflaged cabanas uphill from the main prison. This i where Pablo and the other inmate intended to hide out if La Catedral was ever bombed or invaded. In the meantime, the cabanas made excellent retreats, where the men entertained women privately. Brightly colored, surrealistic murals were painted on the walls and ceilings of the cabanas, as in the classic sixties-era dopers’ lairs, complete with black lamps and Surround Sound. Food was prepared for them by chefs Pablo hired away from fine restaurants, and once the bar and disco were up and running, he hosted many parties and even wedding receptions.

-

He had a powerful telescope placed on the balcony overlooking Medellin, which opened up beneath his feet like a personal fief, so that he could see his wife and children at any of their various homes below. They visited him often at the prison. A small play area was built for Manuela, with a big playhouse stuffed with toys and dolls … Family and friends dined on stuffed turkey, caviar, fresh salmon, smoked trout, and potato salad …

-

It was not a normal prison in other ways. Pablo, for instance did not feel obliged to actually stay. He rarely missed an important pro soccer game in Medellin – police would block off traffic to allow Pablo’s motorcade easy access to and from the stadium he had built years before – and he was sighted shopping in a fashionable Bogota mall over the Christmas holidays.

Today, La Catedral is a tourist attraction.

Being on the run was bad for Escobar’s business. His own organization had problems and the Cali Cartel were making gains. Being locked up in his own prison actually created a safe haven for Escobar to shore things up. He began house cleaning, ordering killings from the prison. Two cartel chiefs visiting him at the prison, who’d fallen out of his favor, were killed there.

When he heard of the killings, around the same time embarrassing photos of the prison luxuries surfaced, President Gaviria ordered Escobar moved to another prison. Justice Ministry lawyer Eduardo Mendoza was charged with the task. When he arrived at La Catedral to meet the squad which would take the prison, the general refused to assault the prison. After some calls back to Bogota and local discussion, it was decided that Mendoza would go in alone. Inside, Escobar took Mendoza hostage for breaking their agreement.

When word reached the president, the media had already begun covering the happenings. The local general refused to storm the prison, so the president ordered a special force to Medellin to take the palace. By the time they arrived and led the assault, Pablo and most of his crew had walked down the hill, cut holes in the wire fence, and escaped. A joke at the US embassy after this incident:

How many Colombian prison guards and soldiers does it take to let Pablo Escobar escape?

400. 1 to open the gate and 399 to watch.

Delta Force

With Pablo on the loose, the hunt was back on. He continued bombing Bogota. Colonel Hugo Martinez was called back to lead Search Bloc. Centra Spike resumed flying over the country listening to phone conversations. President Gaviria was publicly humiliated, and now wanted all the gringo help he could get. Washington green-lighted whatever it took. Delta Force, some of the baddest men on the planet, were sent in.

However, Delta wouldn’t be used to kill Escobar themselves. They were there to teach the Search Bloc best practices leading assaults and other military tactics. The US decision makers still didn’t want American soldiers pulling triggers.

Los Pepes

After a horrifying bookstore bombing in Bogota from Escobar, in which twenty-one mostly children were left dead, a hacienda owned by Escobar’s mother was burned down. Buildings housing Escobar family were bombed. Escobar’s non-criminal associates – bankers, lawyers, etc. – started getting assassinated all over town.

Los Pepes were a vigilante group that sprung up in 1990. “Pepe” stands for Perseguidos por Pablo Escobar – Persecuted by Pablo Escobar. They were most likely headed by relatives of the Medellin cartel figures killed at La Catedral, financed by the Cali Cartel, and it’s generally accepted that Colombian police and the Search Bloc made up much of the rank and file.

A name, the existence of an organized cell of Colombian citizens bent on destroying Pablo Escobar, would strike fear into those associated with or related to the fugitive, if not to Pablo himself. To amplify the menace they needed to advertise, use the media. Their initial appearance was electrifying and started a national guessing game about their identity. Ambassador Busby thought the group had the look of a classic military “psy-op,” or psychological operation, but he didn’t know whose it was.

…

Los Pepes added new life to an effort that seemed to be going nowhere. A formidable array of enemies were now closing in around Pablo. The effort up until now had been devoted to finding Pablo himself and, in effect, to plucking him off the top of his mountain of financial, legal, and organizational supports. Now the tactics had shifted. Officially and unofficially, Pablo’s enemies had begun to take down the mountain.

By all accounts, Los Pepes were effective in tearing down Escobar’s protective infrastructure. This had been a dirty war for years. It was only a matter of time before Escobar’s terror tactics came back on him. It’s easy for a bleeding-heart liberal to cry foul, but we don’t know what would’ve happened without Los Pepes. If I were a Colombian police officer in the Search Bloc at that time, I’d have been a Pepe.

Los Pepes acted on the same info Centra Spike had passed on to the Search Bloc, and their assault tactics resembled those that Delta taught to the Colombian police. There was major concern among US officials that Delta would be linked to Los Pepes. US forces training extrajudicial death squads – that kind of stuff makes great fodder for American imperialism rants. But this was a dirty war.

Leveraging Escobar’s Family

The CIA prepared a psychological profile of Escobar based on the recordings of his conversations.

Escobar does seem to have genuine paternal feelings fro his children, and the young daughter Manuela is described as his favorite. His parents were once kidnapped by a rival group, and Escobar apparently spared no effort or expense rescuing them. Whether his concern for his parents or his children would overcome his stringent security consciousness is not clear.

If the CIA knew that, his former Medellin Cartel partners certainly knew too. In 1993 Los Pepes were killing people associated with Escobar daily in Medellin. They began making public threats against his family.

Escobar tried to fly his family to Miami. The US embassy revoked their visas on the grounds that children couldn’t travel to the US without both parents. The family was met at the Medellin airport and stripped of their visas.

Escobar continued bombing Bogota, but not as fast as Los Pepes continued killing his relatives and associates. The US embassy worked to deny Escobar relatives safe havens. Peru publicly stated no Escobar relative could enter even as a tourist. Costa Rica deported back to Colombia a few relatives who had successfully entered the country, as did Chile. Escobar’s immediate family succeeded in boarding a flight to Germany, but they were stopped and detained for hours in the airport terminal. It was decided they couldn’t enter Germany and flown back to Colombia.

Escobar grew more desperate to protect his family. His teenage son became his main contact. They spoke daily. They were careful in their communications, but Centra Spike continued listening and trying to pinpoint the father.

The End

Escobar was eventually pinpointed and a police team stormed the house. He fled through a window onto a neighboring roof, where he was gunned down. He took a shot in the leg and torso, but the kill shot entered his right ear and out his left. No ballistics were done, but it’s assumed the shot was delivered point blank. There are conspiracy theories that a Delta sniper may have fired that shot, but most believe whichever officer first arrived to the fallen Escobar executed him. If you were a cop, could you blame him?

This photo, which graces the cover of the book, was published in Semana magazine. It caused a controversy in Colombia because the fella on the right is a gringo. The Colombian public was not aware of gringo involvement in the hunt for Pablo.

However, the actual killing of Pablo did not involve any gringos. Centra Spike did not provide the intel that led to Escobar’s location. Colombian intelligence and Colombian police finally caught him. The closing of the deal was a 100% Colombian operation, although gringos were in tow.

An Ode to Colombian Hero Hugo Martinez

The hunt for Pablo Escobar is a great story, required reading for gringos living in Colombia. It’ss chock full of heroes, people who gave their lives for Colombia: Lara, Cano, Galán, scores of Colombian police officers and civilians.

But, for me, the most amazing story was that of Search Bloc leader Colonel Hugo Martinez. I can’t imagine the balls it took to publicly head the search for the biggest killer on the continent in recorded history. He literally entered a death match with the odds stacked against him.

The job of heading up the Search Bloc was supposed to be a rotating position each month because of how dangerous it was. But the bosses quickly retracted that and Martinez ended up the only one. His family was repeatedly targeted by Escobar.

Adding more to Martinez’s story is his son, Hugo Jr., who followed his father’s footsteps into the military. He specialized in surveillance, and he ultimately led the Colombian eavesdropping efforts. Hugo Jr. was personally the one who finally zeroed in on Pablo and called in the raid. It’s a story right out of Hollywood, but it’s true.

Martinez has been subject of criticism for orchestrating Los Pepes and other brutality. Who gives a shit? I take my hat off to father and son.

Fun Facts

Author Mark Bowden is also from St. Louis.

Bowden also wrote Blackhawk Down about the US Marine raid in Mogadishu, Somalia. Blackhawk Down‘s a bad ass movie.

Killing Pablo is being developed into a movie, hopefully as bad ass as Blackhawk Down.

This era comprised The Mick‘s first years in Colombia. His first years outside prison were during Pablo’s bombing campaign in Bogota.

Pablo Escobar, as do many paisas, enjoyed sex with adolescent girls.

Escobar didn’t drink or snort much, but he smoked weed every day all day.

Escobar, according to Bowden, “was very articulate, and even though he could slip into the familiar paisa patois, he usually used very clean Spanish, free of vulgarity and with a vocabulary of some sophistication, which he was fond of sprinkling with English words and expressions.”

“Clear and present danger” is the title of the Escobar-inspired book and film by Tom Clancy. At 15 I thought the movie was cool. Now it’s inarguably the cheesiest manifestation of Colombian stereotypes, although it made a point about the state of affairs at the time. Scenes from the film are featured in the hilarious YouTube satire, COLOMBIA: Would you take the risk?

There’s a Pablo Escobar Tour today in Medellin.

The History Channel did a documentary on Killing Pablo. The whole program is published on YouTube. Watch the first of ten parts.

Buy Killing Pablo on Amazon (using that link supports Expat Chronicles).

Fernando Botero’s depiction of the Escobar’s killing:

Read my narcoterrorism article.

Related posts:

1. Cocaine Cartels and Economics in Colombia
2. Plan Colombia: An Overview
3. Introducing The Mick
4. Limpiezas in Colombia: Social Cleansing
5. South London Gangster in Colombia

Killing Pablo: Summary and Review

Plan Colombia was largely the brainchild of former Colombian president Andres Pastrana. The US has had a huge presence assisting Colombia since before Pablo Escobar, but Pastrana wanted to drastically increase the participation.

From the US embassy’s Plan Colombia page:

[T]he United States responded to the Colombian Government’s request for international support … to increase Colombia’s counternarcotics capabilities, to expand and consolidate government presence, and to improve the livelihoods of the most vulnerable Colombians by providing sustainable social and economic opportunities, protecting human rights, strengthening rule of law, and making governance more transparent, participatory and accountable.

It continues:

Recognizing that terrorism and the illicit narcotics trade in Colombia are inextricably linked, the U.S. Congress … assistance to [make] Colombia more flexible in [supporting] President Uribe’s unified campaign against narcotics and terrorism. In 2004, the Uribe government established … a government presence in all of the country’s 1,099 municipalities (county seats). Attacks conducted by illegally armed groups against rural towns decreased by 91% from 2002 to 2005. Between 2002 and 2008, Colombia saw a decrease in homicides by 44%, kidnappings by 88%, terrorist attacks by 79%, and attacks on the country’s infrastructure by 60%.

As violence has been reduced, Plan Colombia now focuses on socio-economic assistance:

The new strategy … builds upon successful Plan Colombia programs to establish state presence in traditionally ungoverned spaces. By improving … justice, education, housing and health, strengthening democracy, and supporting economic development … the Colombian Government seeks to permanently recover Colombia’s historically marginalized rural areas from illegal armed groups and break the cycle of violence. Since 2007, nearly $570 million have been invested only in socio-economic and humanitarian assistance to Colombia.

According to US ambassador William Brownfield:

In 1998, we had expected to start with a lot of money and see it gradually reduce over time; and that has happened … We had hoped to see a country that first dealt with its security and drug problems, and would then tackle its social development problems. And that has also happened … We may have got here pretty erratically and with some bumps in the road, I won’t deny that. But the truth is I think we’re pretty much where we wanted to be when we set out on the path to Plan Colombia a decade ago.

The cost of Plan Colombia since it began 10 years ago is estimated at $7 billion.

Summary of military programs ($ USD spent from 2000-2008):

• Army Aviation Brigade – $844 million
• National Police Air Service – $463 million
• National Police Eradication Program (fumigating coca fields) - $458 million
• National Police Interdiction Efforts – $153 million
• Infrastructure Security Strategy – $115 million
• Army Ground Forces – $104 million
• Police Presence in Conflict Zones – $92 million
• Coastal and River Interdiction – $89 million
• Air Interdiction – $62 million
• Other programs – $2 billion

Summary of non-military programs ($ USD spent from 2000-2008):

• Alternative Development – $500 million
• Internally Displaced Persons – $247 million
• Demobilization and Reintegration – $44 million
• Democracy and Human Rights – $158 million
• Promote the Rule of Law – $238 million

Criticism

Plan Colombia is not without its critics.

1) Fumigation – many oppose the mass-spraying of chemicals over Mother Earth.

2) False positives – human rights advocates including Amnesty International assert the US, by funding the Colombian military, are partly responsible for the false positives scandal (in which military were caught killing “undesirables” and dressing them in FARC uniforms) and other human rights abuses against Colombian civilians.

3) Oil – critics including Noam Chomsky claim the US is only interested in stabilizing Colombia to reap the benefits of its oil reserves.

4) Union leader safety – US union leaders oppose financial aid to the country with the worst record in labor leaders killed in the world. (This is also their objection to the free trade agreement.)

5) “Balloon effect” – Latin American leaders claim that curbing back the cocaine industry in Colombia will simply push it into other countries.

At the end of the day I’d estimate the critics of Plan Colombia are outnumbered by its supporters.

Read my narcoterrorism article.

Related posts:

1. FARC, Guerrillas, and Paramilitaries in Colombia
2. Human Rights in Peru
3. Cocaine Cartels and Economics in Colombia
4. Limpiezas in Colombia: Social Cleansing
5. My Ugly American Rant

Plan Colombia: An Overview

Alternate Title: Monroe Doctrine was Good for Latin America

Alternate Title: The Case for American Influence

I’m an ugly American, maybe the ugliest you know. I meet all the stereotypes international snobs complain about. And I don’t care.

One complaint about me that keeps coming up is how I’m ruining the image of Americans or foreigners here in Colombia. I couldn’t give a fuck less. I’ve lost exactly zero minutes of sleep thinking about what my landlord or neighbors or clients or any other Colombian thinks of Americans. I’m serving them a compliment by being here (ugly American!). I visited Europe and China with that same attitude. I’ll be as loud and opinionated as I want. If someone has a dim view of Americans then they’re ill-informed, uneducated, hypocrites, posers, phony, and/or full of shit.

One thing anti-American types take offense to is American foreign policy. Yes we’ve fucked up here and there (Guatemala coup or William Walker), but generally their gripes are cliche and inconsistent. That’s why their ideas get eaten for breakfast on the world stage among people that matter.

The most intense criticism of American policy concerns Iraq. I’m not going to argue Iraq here. But still, where are the “anti-imperialists” and their condemnation of American intervention in Libya. Gaddafi didn’t kill anywhere near the number of people Saddam Hussein did. Where’s the backlash? Even with the “international coalition” his regime lasted seven months. Without gringo intervention Gaddafi would’ve put the resistance down ten times over. He had a steel grip on that country. Anti-Americans’ silence on Libya is deafening. Look at the Wikipedia article on protests against Libya intervention. The picture from Minneapolis has like 20 protesters. I threw bigger parties at my apartment in Arequipa!

So somebody will point out it’s an international coalition. Do you know what “international coalition” means? It means the other developed countries of the world support an American intervention. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re going to help. Last June exiting Defense Secretary Robert Gates blasted European nations for not carrying their weight. Select quotes from his speech:

There will be dwindling appetite and patience in the U.S. … to expend increasingly precious funds on behalf of nations that are apparently unwilling … to be serious and capable partners in their own defense.

On Libya:

The mightiest military alliance in history is only 11 weeks into an operation against a poorly armed regime in a sparsely populated country, yet many allies are beginning to run short of munitions, requiring the U.S., once more, to make up the difference.

Gates worked alongside European leaders for a long time before dropping this. I’ll translate his politically shrewd language to ugly American English:

You people can’t defend yourselves. So as The Rock says, “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!” If you can’t back it up your opinion’s worth as much as Venezuela’s. That’s why your opinion didn’t matter in Iraq.

And to the non-American extranjeros in Colombia, let’s talk about the improved security situation in Colombia. Do you think you’d be here if it weren’t for American funding via Plan Colombia? While ex-president Alvaro Uribe (one of George W. Bush’s top 3 allies along with Tony Blair and John Howard) will go down as the man who restored security, his predecessor Andres Pastrana deserves some of the credit for creating a strategic alliance with the US.

Andres Pastrana gave the FARC a “demilitarized zone”, a safe haven the size of Switzerland. The FARC regrouped and launched bigger offensives. That move is universally seen as a huge fuck up and Pastrana the weakest on security for generations. People say he was lobbying to win a Nobel Peace prize. HOWEVER, at the same time he was playing nice with the guerrillas Pastrana laid the groundwork with the United States for Plan Colombia.

It’s hard to zero in on an exact number, but Plan Colombia has, to date, amounted to the neighborhood of $7 billion over ten years. So while Uribe was definitely the right guy to manage that money, he couldn’t have implemented his mano firme, corazon grande policy without ‘Plan Colombia’ (read ‘US dollars’). Uribe built up the military to hold all the towns and force the guerrillas into the jungle. Building the military took money so Pastrana deserves some credit for jumping into bed with the gringos.

There are lots of nationalist, anti-American Colombians in Bogota. Read the writing on the walls. It’s ironic because they know how it was 10 – 20 years ago. If you had money you didn’t leave the city. No Villa de Leyva, no Girardot, no nothing. The country roads were getting blockaded by guerrillas or for-profit kidnappers. Contrast that with the last few years, in which “the only risk is wanting to stay.”

So to the Colombians and extranjeros in Colombia, on behalf of the United States of America, you’re welcome!

The anti-Americanism in Colombia is palpable. I think it’s resentment that they couldn’t get things under control without us. But that resentment’s not only in Colombia. Anti-Americanism in the region brought to power leaders like Hugo Chavez, Evo Morales, and Rafael Correa, plus Fidel Castro and Daniel Ortega before them. What really pisses off proud South Americans is the Monroe Doctrine, in which America officially declared it’d be the primary influence in this hemisphere.

Being such an ugly American, I proudly argue my country’s positive impact across the region. Let’s look at the two most extreme cases of Latin American countries rejecting vs. accepting American influence (excluding US territory Puerto Rico or the complex relationship with Mexico). These countries are Panama and Chile as those accepting US influence and Cuba and Venezuela as those rejecting.

Panama

The Panama Canal, an engineering wonder of the world, has a fascinating history. America’s proposal to build the canal forced the issue of Panama separating from Colombia (which Panamanians had wanted for years).  In exchange for building it, America got control. The US gave control back in 1999, but for almost 100 years the Panama Canal was controlled by the US. That’s 100 years of gringos in country, a HUGE diplomatic operation, and gringos teaching efficiency in Panama. After the handover, the Panamanians improved many performance indicators of the canal. Think they’d have done that if the gringos had never been there?

Today, Panama’s official currency is the US dollar (along with the Balboa which seems a sovereign afterthought). It’s a financial mecca for international companies, and known as a safe and sophisticated place among Latin Americans. Panama enjoys a coveted image in Latin America: safe, stable, and relatively prosperous.

Chile

Argentina was the economic darling of the early 20th century. I’ve read that per capita GDP exceeded that of America’s for a time in the 1920′s. Since then Argentina has consistently elected economically incompetent leaders, starting with Peron and unfortunately continuing today.

Eager to take their place as the continent’s shining light was Chile under right-wing dictator Pinochet. Human rights violator and freedom oppressor? Probably. But did he do anything right? Definitely. Pinochet brought in the Chicago Boys to form his economic ministry.

The Chicago Boys were a group of Chilean students handpicked and sent to the University of Chicago, America’s most prestigious econ school, to study under Milton Friedman, America’s top economist of the century. So these Chileans studied American-style, free-market economics and then returned to Chile to implement capitalist reforms.

What’s happened in just three decades? The Miracle of Chile. Chile’s image is what Argentina’s was. Santiago, the capital, is a technology and big business hub. Crime rates are similar to Panama and Costa Rica. In 2010 Chile suffered the strongest earthquake on record to hit a major city. Yet due to strong infrastructure and efficiency it’s largely recovered while Haiti will be devastated for decades from a weaker earthquake. But it wasn’t until the 2010 mining disaster that Chile truly gained the respect of the world by rescuing all 33 miners trapped in a copper mine cave-in, changing global perceptions about Latin American inefficiency and incompetence.

Cuba

What to say about Cuba? They survived most of their existence on USSR financial aid, and now Venezuelan petrodollars. They’re good at some things like making cigars, educating doctors, and training boxers. On the other hand, Cuban citizenry regularly tear their houses down to build rafts and face shark-infested waters in hopes of reaching US soil for political asylum (remember Elian?). Not so many Cuban-Americans do the same to go back. And on Cuba’s strong sports of boxing and baseball, most of those athletes defect when given the chance.

A gringo who visited Cuba said it’s the closest thing he’d seen of humanity devolved 100 years. Carts pulled by oxen was an image that stuck. Another Spanish speaking gringo who visited complained it was expensive. I asked what he was talking about because it’s supposedly poor as shit. He said most of it is, so poor in fact that you’d be an asshole if you drink with the common people. It’s just too poor. A gringo wouldn’t feel comfortable drinking outside the overpriced tourist districts.

Would you move to Cuba permanently? Or would you prefer Panama or Chile?

Venezuela

I don’t even know where to start here. I’ve religiously followed America’s top regional nemesis Hugo Chavez for over four years now. I haven’t been able to pull the trigger on “My Hugo Chavez Rant” because I only want to write about him once. And I can’t do a definitive piece because the news keeps getting more shocking and head-shaking every year.

From the worthlessness of the currency (you can’t sell Venezuelan Bolivares anywhere in the region so it’s literally worthless), the crime rate, the absence of foreign investment, their incompetence and uncompetitiveness in their only industry (oil), the shortages and rotting food, the “robolución” and government gangsters, there’s just too much work to write up. Following Hugo Chavez news is almost sadistic. I feel bad, like the people of Detroit want you to feel for looking at ruin porn.

Hugo Chavez went public with prostate cancer a few months ago. Shaved head for chemotherapy, he’s spending a lot of time with top Cuban doctors. He’s got a tough election next year, which he’ll probably win if he can stay healthy. Then again, a tough election can take its toll on a man’s health. What will be next for Venezuela? I have no idea. But with all that oil it’d take a long time for them to fall as low as Cuba.

Note: Both Cuba and Venezuela were producing and bringing money in before their respective socialist takeovers (Havana was a party town and Venezuela has oil). But the uneven distribution of income and gross inequality (the Spanish legacy) swept these leaders to power. So don’t blame America, blame the Spanish!

Despite this brief experiment, someone with less than a basic education in economics is going to leave a dependency theory comment about America robbing, raping, and bullying these countries and that’s why they’re poor.  So I’ll preempt that by explaining that NO SERIOUS ECONOMISTS are dependency theorists anymore. This is 2011. The dependency theory leaders include Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro, and look how well they’ve done by reversing and keeping at bay gringo influence.

Moving past Latin America, look at all regions of the world. The countries allied with America are consistently better off in their region, especially compared with the enemies and “rogue nations.”

Educated and intellectually honest Colombians don’t disagree. I’ve had Colombians say in so many words, “We need the US.” It’s the peasant mentality that resents our influence. Ill-informed, uneducated peasants can look at the world without history or context and think, “No fair, gringos go home!” The enlightened leaders who will turn Colombia into a developed country reject the peasant mentality. As in your own life, when somebody has achieved what you hope to achieve, how do you treat him or her? I try to get on their team, to pick their brain, to get some of what they got. That’s why the intelligent, productive Latin Americans vote to team up with America while uninformed peasants elect Hugo Chavez.

I’m done. I’ve never dug the traditional patriotic songs, but this one always gets my pride stoked. Released just in the wake of 9/11 (OSAMA YOU’RE DEAD BITCH!), this is dedicated to American military around the world – US military in Colombia, get at me, I want to hear from you! – Petey Pablo’s “Raise Up (USA Remix)”:

Related posts:

1. American Expats’ Tax Liability in the US
2. Recession: An American Experience
3. My Rice Rant
4. Why I’m Bullish on Colombia
5. Guatemala and United Fruit: US Policy Blunder

My Ugly American Rant

Many readers thought the price of my Bogota gastronomy tour is too high.

First of all, keep in mind 500,000 pesos is all-inclusive. So visitors get picked up at their hotel for every meal. We’ll assume the average round trip taxi price is 10,000 pesos. Also keep in mind I’m eating too.

7 de agosto

• Fruit Salad (2) – 10,000 pesos
• Morcilla (2) – 5,000 pesos
• Lechona (2) – 5,000 pesos
• Bag of fruit for the hotel – 10,000 pesos

Chiguiro

• Platter (2) – 40,000 pesos
• Beer or juice (2) – 8,000 pesos
• Dessert and coffee (2) – 15,000 pesos

Andres DC

• Appetizers, entrees, desserts, and guaro for 2 – 200,000 pesos

Three round trips in taxi plus these items total over 300,000 pesos, leaving less than 200,000 pesos for me. This tour takes all day, which requires me to clear my schedule. Clearing my schedule is worth at least 200,000 pesos ($100).

First point settled.

Second point: my target market. I’ve learned from my experience in the tourism industry is that I’m only willing to serve the high end of the market. The low end of adult entertainment in Bogota involves me taking gringos to Santa Fe. I don’t have anything against these guys; economically I’m one of them and I’ve made many friends. But I’ve learned the best clients are upper income tourists. Moving forward I’m only interested in the high end.

Get the picture:

BTW, I did zero research on the total # of tourists to Bogota and their average discretionary income / day. But you get the point that I’m targeting a small minority of upper income travelers.

If you’d flinch at dropping $250 on entertainment on a day in Bogota, you’re not my customer. Don’t feel bad, I can’t spend that either. But there are ballers out there who wouldn’t flinch at that (if you’re one, get at me: webmaster at expat-chronicles dot com).

Not to say it’s no love for the middle class visitors or backpackers doing it on a budget. I’ve shown mad love for yall since November 2009 when I published 10 Things to Eat in Bogota. That’s everything you need to give yourself a tour. My tour’s for those whose time is worth more than the money and would rather I do all the work.

If you want to launch tours for the backpackers and hostel clientele, do it! If you want to help tourists find maids in Bosa, by all means do it! I wish you the best of luck with whatever you do. I’m offering the best Colombian gastronomy tours in Bogota to upper income travelers.

Related posts:

1. Food Tours in Bogota, Colombia
2. Bogota Brothel Tours
3. Colombian Food: 1st Impressions
4. Bogota Bike Tour
5. Colombia’s Culinary Hall of Shame

Food Tours NOT for the Middle Class

I’ve worked in the tourism industry for almost a year now. I’m a good tour guide. I show gringos a good time and authentic, Colombian experience.

Now I’m now offering food tours in Bogota, Colombia. Email webmaster at expat-chronicles dot com for more info.

I pride myself on eating well. I eat well in two respects: nutrition and taste. I’ll compromise nutrition, but never taste. Either way, it’s difficult to eat well in Colombia because the food’s generally not good. Hence there aren’t Colombian restaurants in other countries.

There is excellent food in Colombia, but it’s not obvious. You have to know where to go. A gringo tourist looking for a nice meal will find somewhere in Bogota’s Zona Rosa or Parque 93. But neither of those strategies will not lead you to authentic Colombian quality because the nicest places in the city are fairly international / Americanized. The best, authentic places are hidden.

Instead of trying to find the best on your own, let me take you on an all-inclusive tour for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Don’t worry about where to go. Don’t worry about taxis, speaking Spanish, reading Spanish, nothing. I’ll pick you up at your hotel for each meal and get you back safely. You’ll be fat and happy with me!

The tour will include as much as possible from my 10 Things to Eat in Bogota.

1 day tour = 500,000 Colombian Pesos per person
* group discounts

Includes:

• Breakfast
• Lunch
• Dinner
• Desserts and coffees
• Taxis

Here’s my recommended day:

• Breakfast at Paloquemao or 7 de Agosto informal markets: fruit salads, morcilla and lechona if still hungry, sample various exotic fruits.
• Chiguiro platter for lunch. Something with arequipe at a nice bakery for coffee and dessert.
• Andres Carne de Res for dinner.

Email webmaster at expat-chronicles dot com for more info. Thanks!

Here’s my recommended daily agenda

Related posts:

1. Bogota Brothel Tours
2. Colombian Food: 1st Impressions
3. La Calera, Guatavita, and Girardot, Colombia
4. Arepas in Colombia
5. Bogota Bike Tour

Food Tours in Bogota, Colombia

The Mick is an alcoholic worse than I’ve ever known. I’ve dabbled in AA before, but The Mick is one of those cases that make me realize I don’t really have a problem. For those new here, The Mick was one of my first friends in Bogota. He led a criminal career in Dublin and London before coming to Bogota in 1986 with the intent to smuggle three kilos of cocaine to Ireland. He was caught his first attempt and served four years in Bogota’s La Modelo penitentiary. He learned Spanish and made criminal friends. When he was released in 1989, he stayed in Colombia. He’s never been back to Ireland.

Living in Colombia introduced The Mick to legal work, at least during the day. During most of the last twenty years, there were almost no gringos here so an English teacher could charge a premium price. He taught English to the upper class rolos by day, and drank with the crooks and street tramps by night. In his own words, he got drunk “for breakfast, lunch, and dinner” every day for twenty years. He kept a box of aguardiente next to the bed if he woke up in the middle of the night in need of a sip.

When I met The Mick, he wasn’t drinking. He had over a year without a drink and was attending AA. He fell off the wagon around my one year point in Colombia. Here are some of his highlights from this blog:

The Mick’s Prison Murder
A Little Background on The Mick
South London Gangster in Colombia
A Public Hanging in South Bogota
The Michelin Man Goes to Jail

Anyway, I got to know The Mick all that time while he wasn’t drinking. I thought that, although a career criminal and drunk, he was intelligent, super-social, and charming. We have a lot in common

In my second year I started to know The Mick drunk. He’s completely annoying. A pain in the ass. How?

1) The Mick gets over-emotional when drunk. One incident he attributes his life path to is a petty lie he told him mother as a kid, which she knew was a lie, but let it go. So he learned to lie early. He’ll get on this subject and get tears in his eyes and raise his voice until I tell him to shut up, or my new line since his last bender, “RELAXED AND HAPPY, RELAXED AND HAPPY.” Or one night we were building a fire at my place and he started repeating, “THIS FIRE WILL NEVER GO OUT, THIS FIRE WILL NEVER GO OUT,” over and over. OK, shut up already! This is in sharp contrast to his normal personality, which is laidback.

2) The Mick gets personally vicious when drunk. He’s never done it to me, but to others. He was drinking when I got The Rise of Tachuela story. We have a ritual for documenting his stories. I go over to his house, he cooks me lunch and tells me a story while I take notes and ask questions. Then I go home and write it up. It was difficult for him to focus on this particular day because he’d been drunk for a week or so (plus the story happened 25 years ago). But when he finally gained a clear vision, one of his neighbors happened to be over to hang out. The neighbor didn’t speak English well, so he was bored. He interrupted a few times in Spanish, and The Mick kicked him out. “GET OUT!” “GO, GO, GO, GET OUT!” He slammed the door so fast and hard he hit the guy’s shoe. The guy timidly knocked on the door again because he’d forgotten some drawings he’d brought over to show. The Mick closed the door on him while he fetched the drawings, opened the door again, and while giving them back he snapped, “POXY FUCKIN’ SHIT.”

3) The Mick gets physically aggressive when drunk. Again, he’s never tried it with me, but I saw him slap one of his friends at a party. Many of my friends in St. Louis are like this, but they’re all about my size and strength so they can get away with it. The Mick, however, is in his upper 50s and weighs 160 lbs soaking wet with work boots on. He’ll get his ass whooped if he tries anyone worth his salt, as he did when my American friend Rico knocked him out. But the most dangerous is when he tries to fight police, which isn’t uncommon. This is the silliest thing for anybody to do, especially in Colombia, and especially for an old man.

4) The Mick has accidents when drunk. Bogota city is somewhat dangerous to walk because there are holes in the sidewalks. Some are deep and wide. It’s not rare to meet people who sprained their ankle, broke a bone, or tore something because they fell in an urban hole. The Mick does this all the time. One time he told me he couldn’t get out and it was raining. He believes he would’ve died if a neighbor hadn’t pulled him out. Every bender he gets one of these injuries. This last bender he fell off his bicycle and bruised his entire left leg from the ass cheek to the mid-hamstring.

5) The Mick loses clients when drunk. If your English teacher blew you off for weeks, not answering or returning phone calls, what would you do? I recently set one of his students with a gringo friend. The student told me The Mick called him after the bender, but the student wanted “to teach him a lesson.”

For my first year in Bogota, The Mick helped me a lot in getting adjusted. He introduced me to a lot of people, showed me a lot of areas to buy things, and taught me about Colombian culture. We saw each other a few times a week. Even today, we have lunch at least once a week and speak on the phone regularly. When he’s drinking, however, weeks will go by and I won’t hear from him. I’ll run into him in Lourdes or somewhere else in Chapinero, and I’ll tell him to please stop drinking and not be a stranger.

On this last bender, which lasted SIX WEEKS, I saw him at about the four week point and told him to stop. He seemed somewhat coherent and agreed he should, but he said he can’t quit outright or he’ll get DT’s. He already had the shakes. He says he has to ween off, which I knew wouldn’t work. He’ll ween off with a little whiskey and before he knows it he’s drunk again.

We have a tentative plan / hoop dream to write his life story. He’s led an amazing life, and what I’ve written thus far only scratches the surface. But when he’s on these benders, I sometimes worry he’ll die before the story can be told. Then again, he’s been surviving this way for 25 years…

His last bender lasted six weeks. SIX WEEKS. This time I told him he simply can’t drink. He’s intolerable. He can’t handle it. He has a real problem. I told him to his face, and now I’m publishing the fact on the world wide web.

After all the bad behavior, nothing really bothered me because I’m a tolerant guy. But the following story was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I’m doing some work for a Colombian lawyer. He lived in the States for twenty years or so and speaks perfect English. One day he invited me to lunch. He’s usually estrato 6 all the way but this particular day we were in Chapinero near Plaza Lourdes.  We’re walking through the gauntlet where the hippies sell drugs, and he’s explaining how Lourdes was ten years ago. He said it was really dangerous. I said I heard it was really dangerous at night, lots of drugs, while in my mind I’m praying, “Please don’t let The Mick be here, please don’t let The Mick be here, please don’t let The Mick be here…”

Just as we’re clearing the gauntlet and into the open plaza, who do I see? The Mick, on his bicycle. He saw me too and let out an indecipherable grunt. Then he spoke to the Colombian lawyer, while pointing at me, “He’s a nigger! He’s a white nigger! He looks white but he’s not, he’s a nigger!” I decided to get out of there, but the Colombian lawyer tried to go along with it in his perfect English.

“He’s a nigger?”

“He’s a white nigger,” The Mick confirmed. “HA HA!” Then he offered a sip of his paper bag-wrapped John Thomas whiskey from his pocket. Remember it was lunch time.

“Hey we gotta split,” I abruptly interrupted and whisked the lawyer out of there. I told the lawyer the story, the entire true story of The Mick, and he was fascinated. He said he understands how a foreigner would have to drink like that to live in Colombia given what was happening here the last twenty years.

Let’s pray The Mick can stay away from the bottle for a good stretch.

UPDATE ON MY DRINKING

Knowing The Mick has probably reduced my consumption. Long time readers know I was in AA my first year in Bogota, and I wasn’t going out at all. Since then I’ve easily cut it to only Fridays and Saturdays, and for the first time since high school I’ve completely eliminated drinking alone. It may seem elementary to you, but I used to put hard liquor down all by my lonesome. No more.

Related posts:

1. The Mick Throws a Party
2. The Mick Gets Knocked Out
3. My 2nd Time Bribing Cops in Colombia
4. A Mick Reunion
5. A Public Hanging in South Bogota

The Mick’s Terrible Benders

This is a critical article on Colombian cuisine. If you’d like to read a positive article, see 10 Things to Eat in Bogota.

Now offering guided food tours in Bogota, Colombia for foodies, culinary adventurists, and food tourism.

Alternate Title: The Worst in Colombian Dining

#1 El Corral

I have a personal vendetta against El Corral because of how many people drool over it. I first heard of the chain from one of these rola gomelas who was well-traveled in the world. She recommended it for whenever I want a good American style cheeseburger. She added this chain could compete in the States.

You see, hamburgers in Latin America are triflin’. It’s not just Colombia but everywhere. I don’t know how you fuck up a hamburger; when I buy ground beef at the store and cook them at home they taste the same as in the States. But South American burger joints add something to make the beef weigh more, or fuck it up in some other way. I never order hamburguesas here.

El Corral opened in downtown Bogota in 1983, so it’ll soon complete twenty years of mediocrity. You see, El Corral burgers aren’t bad at all. They’re eatable, but they’re mediocre. The girl who told me about El Corral could compete in the US couldn’t have been more wrong. They wouldn’t have a chance. I’d classify El Corral quality as high-end fast food or low-end service dining. So their competition would be better burgers from places like Fuddruckers, Red Robin, or America’s best FatBurger, and those same places charge less for a burger.

What’s unfortunately not mediocre at El Corral is the pricing. It’s expensive. I can’t eat there for less than $6 USD, and that’d be just a burger, 1/3lb I believe. For a proper 1/2lb burger plus combo, you’re looking at 16,000 – 20,000 pesos ($8-10 USD). So not only would El Corral fail on taste against the hypothetical American competitors, it’s also fail on price. This 1-2 combo would make for a prompt exit from the US market. A quick, decisive defeat just like the gringa women did against the Colombianas in the Women’s World Cup. I’d smile if that girl who recommended El Corral had an opportunity to invest in El Corral’s expansion into North America. I’d like to see that investment get cleared out. Not just lost a few percent, but CLEARED OUT.

Bottom line: You couldn’t sell those El Corral burgers for $10 even in downtown Chicago.

Apparently I’m not alone here. In just a little El Corral research I found this old Poorbuthappy thread from 2008 where some extranjero is calling El Corral out for what it is: expensive fast food.

Here’s a street art piece linking El Corral to obesity:

Cool image but I don’t worry El Corral causing obesity in Colombia. One of the key reasons obesity is spreading in the States is the industrialization of the food supply chain by big farming, big food distributors, and other actors in the food industry. Colombia hasn’t implemented those efficiencies, or at least I wouldn’t think so given the high prices at El Corral. They can’t effect too much obesity among a people where 60-70% can’t afford to eat there.

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#2 – Jeno’s Pizza

Pizza is another American food (maybe Italian originally, but it’s an American-dominated industry now) that South Americans fail in their attempts to reproduce.The cheese is fine but where our Latin friends lose the deal is in the sauce. There is no effort to develop a quality marinara sauce to begin with, but it doesn’t matter because they put so little sauce on the pie you can’t taste it anyway. I’ve watched in wonder while pizzas are being made; I estimate one teaspoon or a tablespoon at most of tomato sauce is used for an extra large 16” pie. The dough takes on a faint tint but still shines bright white when the cheese is put on.

Average slice down here is crunchy dough, no sauce, less cheese and toppings than dough. Also annoying to extranjeros are the toppings options in Colombian pizza. They have Hawaiian in the US, but it’s not a stalwart among the two or three flavors available. So if you don’t like Hawaiian pizza or Chicken with Mushrooms or Criolla, you may be out of luck for street pizza.

So if bent on pizza you’d go the corporate route. You think you’re too cool to order Papa John’s, Domino’s, or Pizza Hut, so you’d probably check out the Colombian pizza chain, Jeno’s. If you eat there you’ll quickly realize you should’ve gone American.

Before the bill comes, you’ll eat an inarguably low quality pizza made with inarguably low quality ingredients. The toppings looked a lot like American pepperoni, but the taste and texture was a little off. My buddy who ordered elected for the deep dish because it’s more food, but the amount of cheese and toppings combined comprised at most a fourth of the amount of crust. I say ‘crust’ because the crust wasn’t very doughy. It was hard and dry dough, some bites crunched all the way through. I believe I got fed up with the crust toward the end of my pie and just ate the cheese and toppings off it.

The second time I went with the same friend as the first because he gets coupons from Jeno’s. The first was a buy 1 get 1 free pizza deal. He knew I would never do that again, so he asked about his 2 for 1 Jeno’s pasta coupon. I agreed. What I got was just as much a disappointment as the pizza. The pasta came in a box so small I could outline it with my two index fingers and thumbs. Inside was one meatball sitting on a modest amount of marinara and a pile of spaghetti. After quickly putting it down I realized I could eat two of those for a proper meal, but then I’d have had to pay the full coupon price of 13,000 pesos or whatever. Then I realized that, without the coupon, they sell that little platter I just devoured like an appetizer for 13,000 pesos. Can it really be? No way.

So where El Corral barely passed on quality and failed on exorbitant pricing, Jeno’s failed miserably on both quality and price.

#3 – Colombian Soups

Colombians are proud of their soups, which I can only explain by thinking most have never left Colombia. The US isn’t necessarily known or recognized for good soups. Chicken Noodle and Baked Potato soup are hardly inspiring. But the US came up with Chili, which may be the best soup on the whole damn planet.

Colombians can be proud of Ajiaco and Sancocho, and that’s it. Ajiaco is on my list of 10 Things to Eat in Bogota, so it’s good. But it’s not so good that the hip “Nuevo Latino” restaurants and lounges in the States will put Ajiaco on their menu. There are too many other Latin American items more delicious than that rather plain soup. And Sancocho’s even simpler than Ajiaco. Surprisingly, Ajiaco and Sancocho isn’t considered simple here. They go really bland, as in sopa de arroz. Yes you read that correctly, rice soup. How delicious does rice soup sound to you? I’ve also had pasta soup here in Colombia, and it had potatoes in addition to pasta.

Another reason I give Colombia no props on their soups is because I lived in Arequipa, Peru before moving to Colombia. The south of Peru prides themselves on their soups, and they have almost ten distinct soups. Some are dark brown, some orange, one (chupe) with loads of seafood in it. I couldn’t keep them all straight but most were better than Ajiaco and Sancocho.

#4 – Colombian Street Food

My Irish roommate told me about his first year in Bogota. He partied hard in La Candelaria. His Irish buddies and him drank almost every night chasing Colombian chicks. Their house became known as a party house for girls who wanted to hang out with extranjeros. The adventures and people of his time there never caused a stir in me, until he told me about his diet. He ate street food every day.

When he told me that my stomach turned, I may have shifted in my seat to defend my insides from the bad influence that is this man. Let me explain further:

He ate in the street for a year. The street joints are hamburger and fries stands (which suck as stated above), pizza by the slice (which suck as stated above), empanadas and fried items etc. This is obviously not food for athletics. If you’re not going to eat to improve your body, at least eat food that tastes good. All this shit makes you feel worse after eating it, but it doesn’t even taste good. The empanadas are so processed, especially in Bogota, where they’re perfectly formed and shaped. When all the empanadas look the exact same, you can be sure they came in a frozen box before being deep fried.

My least favorite of Colombian street food are buñuelos, deep-fried balls of stinking dough. It’s a fried bread ball with a moldy smell. And from the windows they scream at me: “POOR PEOPLE SHIT”.

#5 – Arepas

Re: “poor people shit” – It’s kinda hard to write that the national staple and source of cultural pride is on this hall of shame, but most arepas suck. I don’t eat an overwhelmingly majority of the arepas served to me. I profile several different kinds, good and bad with pics in my post Arepas in Colombia.

Did I miss anything that should be in Colombia’s Culinary Hall of Shame? Please let me know!

Related posts:

1. Arepas in Colombia
2. Colombian Food: 1st Impressions
3. La Calera, Guatavita, and Girardot, Colombia
4. 10 Things To Eat in Bogota
5. Why I’m Bullish on Colombia

Colombia’s Culinary Hall of Shame

This article was written by Ian S Chadwick. See his blog at ianschadwick.wordpress.com or follow him on Twitter.

Aged in her 50’s, Maria Paloma was every bit the indigenous Colombian Indian. She was tiny, with dark, straight hair, high, defined cheek-bones and two small beady black eyes. She was also my first ever “maid.”

Following the murder of her husband she had been displaced from her mountain finca in the department of Cauca. Four strangers had called at her home looking for senor Paloma, produced pistols, and opened fire, killing him and three companions.

Always smiling, except when she was laughing, Maria Paloma never ever wore footwear, was illiterate and, strange as this may sound, was totally unable to grasp the concept of a lock and key. However, she was reliable, efficient, and our dog was unusually fond of her.

The reason for this fondness became startlingly apparent when, one evening, my wife encountered Maria Paloma vigorously masturbating Henry, our Boxer. When asked why on earth she would do such a thing she innocently answered, Because he likes it, señora.

Whilst it’s hard to argue against such simple logic, we never again felt comfortable whenever we saw Maria washing carrots, and so she had to go and we had to find ourselves a new maid, Maria Arbol.

In her mid – 40’s, with an air of vast sexual experience about her, Maria Arbol turned out to be an exceptional maid. Our house had never been cleaner, she cooked fantastic food, and she never went sick. She was as happy to work for us as we were to employ her, and all was well.

Maria Arbol was also from a small village in the mountains of Cauca and she told us that she had been displaced from her home following the murder of her husband by four gunmen. My wife and I glanced at each other in simultaneous recognition of this story, and I pressed Maria for more details. The resultant answer left us both amazed at the coincidence which unfolded.

Maria Paloma, the first maid, was regarded as the village witch of the small rural community in the mountains of Cauca where both she and Maria Arbol had lived, providing herbal remedies for the villagers and performing tarot card readings for local women.

During the course of these readings Maria was prone to inform the women that their men were being unfaithful, and several relationships had experienced serious problems or had broken down completely as a result. The strangely sensual Maria Arbol was named as the likely culprit on more than one occasion and, despite denying these allegations, was becoming increasingly unpopular in the village.

Maria Paloma’s husband was employed by the local guerrilla commander to collect FARC-Tax from the local inhabitants. He and three henchmen would regularly visit the surrounding farms to pick up the compulsory payments of cash, alcohol, food, and various peace offerings before delivering them to the guerrillas who operated in the area.

Maria Arbol’s husband was one such farmer who was obliged to make this regular “donation” and resented doing so. He began to refuse to pay señor Paloma, which resulted in a heated argument between the two men, which came to blows.

Señor Paloma informed the local guerrilla commander about Arbol’s refusal to pay up and his violent outburst. In the meantime, señor Arbol contacted the local paramilitaries and denounced Paloma as a FARC operative.

Several days later, just before mid-day, señor Paloma and his three “workers” went to the Arbol’s farm, found señor Arbol amongst his coffee crop, and shot him through the head in front of his wife and their young son.

On that same morning four unknown men attended the Paloma’s farm, asking for señor Paloma, who was not there. The strangers said that they would wait and, just after mid-day, señor Paloma and his companions returned. Upon entering they were shot dead by the four paramilitaries who were waiting for them. Maria Paloma escaped by diving through a window and running as fast as she could. She was found on the Pan-American Highway, twelve miles away, still running, with her bare feet in bloody tatters.

Both women subsequently ended up in Cali, one living with family and the other being re-housed by the authorities. Both blamed the other for their husbands’ deaths and neither had heard of the other since the incident, yet they had unknowingly lived within two miles of each other for several years.

We recently heard that the part of Cauca where the two women had previously resided had been designated as a safe zone following military operations against the FARC in 2009 and that both Maria’s had been re-located back to their fincas in Cauca following a government incentive to restore to their owners the properties of displaced Colombians.

I’m genuinely glad for them and sincerely hope that they can both move on. But given the obvious feelings of resentment and pure fucking hatred which persists between them, I can’t help feeling that once they encounter each other the term “safe zone” may be far from the correct term to use.

Related posts:

1. Contributed Story: The Pigeon Poop Scam in BA
2. Contributed Story: Instability in Tijuana
3. Contributed Story: Hangin’ Tough in La Candelaria
4. Contributed Story: La Candelaria Pickpocket FAIL
5. Contributed Story: Pooping and Machu Picchu

Contributed Story: Two Maids I’ve Had in Cali

Galerias is one of the most charming neighborhoods in Bogota. It’s not mentioned in any of the tourist books like Lonely Planet, but it’s one of my favorite neighborhoods. I’ve been meaning to do a picture post on the area for a while, but was finally motivated by the CR article about the US embassy issuing a violent crime warning for Bogota. Apparently some embassy employees were scoped and another stabbed on separate nights.

I’m not surprised at those assaults. Just a month ago some gringos I know were attacked in Zona Rosa, one was stabbed. And a Colombian friend was scoped last week. That’s common. What surprised me about that article was that Galerias is “off limits to embassy employees.”

That seems backwards to me. Galerias is a middle class neighborhood, but I think it’s safer than Zona Rosa. You have to understand the mentality. Most Colombian youngsters looking for trouble aren’t particularly brave. If they want to take their aggression out on somebody, they’re going to pick somebody they’re sure they’ll easily beat on. They go to the north to find a gomelo or gringo who’s drunk and separated from his group, or a group of gomelos or gringos who they outnumber. Plus, the Galerias party district is one strip. It’s not an entire rumba neighborhood with countless side blocks like Zona Rosa.

Galerias is safe. Here’s a Plan B video on the party area:

Aside from the party strip, Galerias is known for shopping. It’s named for the shopping mall, but all of Calle 53 up to Avenida Caracas is storefronts selling everything from handcrafts, clothes and bridal wear, Christmas decorations and religious art, everything. The window merchandising is amazing. It reminds me of what Madison Avenue in the 1940s must’ve been like with intricate displays to stand out from the other stores and entice passersby to come in. There are super high-end art galleries and other stuff I can’t afford.

I love Galerias for the architecture. It’s so diverse, much like St. Louis. You can see a Spanish colonial building sitting right next to a modern one. I often ride my bike down the Calle 53 bike path and it’s always a pleasure to take in the scenery. It’s a shame US embassy employees can’t enjoy it. Maybe they’re just not allowed to party at night in Galerias, I don’t know. If somebody could clarify, please do.

The area’s named for a shopping mall which I don’t like at all. It has everything, just about every Colombian corporation that matters has a branch there, but the hallways are narrow and the ceilings low. I get claustrophobic. So no pics from inside, only the neighborhood. I took the shots during the World Cup Under-20, which was held in Colombia. The Galerias area businesses went all out with flags of the qualifying countries and the Colombian flag everywhere.

Included is the architecture on Calle 53, the party district, the residential area behind the mall (I probably couldn’t afford to live there), and the bad ass window displays on Cl 53. In no particular order at all, all mixed up. I organized them on FB, so for easier viewing see the Galerias album on the Expat Chronicles FB page.

Note the crowning jewel, Monasterio. It’s the white building with green rooftops, and the window display has a bad ass model sailboat. Also note the tiny patio bar El Muro, where I always go to if I’m drinking in Galerias. It’s run by my friend Yorman, who’s built an elegant place and always plays tasteful music. Thirdly, note the purple dance club Morena, which when I took the pics was about to host Henry Fiol, one of the top salsa acts of all time (his best video). Galerias is a salsa hot spot in Bogota. Pachanga y Pochola also has world class acts – one time I went they were charging 70,000 pesos cover! Don’t note Chiguire, the chiguiro spot on 53 where I’ve had a bad experience every single time I’ve eaten there.

Related posts:

1. Bogota’s Zona Rosa in Pictures
2. Chapinero in Pictures
3. La Candelaria in Pictures
4. Chapinero Alto in Pictures
5. Medellin’s Parque Lleras in Pictures

Bogota’s Galerias in Pictures

El Lugar de Su Presencia is a Protestant megachurch on Avenida Suba in La Castellana neighborhood in North Bogota. It’s located next to the Suba Calle 95 TransMilenio station on the Suba line:

View Larger Map

Iglesia Cristiana El Lugar de Su Presencia
Calle 95 Bis 50-36
La Castellana
Bogotá, Colombia

The experience at Su Presencia is very similar to what I’ve heard American megachurches are like. Very intense. People hold their arms in the air and close their eyes. The music is modern and poppy. The audio-visual is excellent. It’s a professional performance. Dozens and dozens of staff are needed for crowd control inside and in the streets of the neighborhood. Before each service, crowds line up as far as three blocks down to get a good seat in the main auditorium. I arrived late so there are no lines but you can see the orange cones and rope.

The Su Presencia Facebook page claims 14,000 weekly attendants through all the services in their auditorium which fits 2,900. Once capacity is reached they put more people in the building across the street. The first time I went to Su Presencia I was in the main auditorium from where the band and pastor broadcast. When I took these pics and video I was in the second building, watching on the big screen and televisions located throughout.

If trends follow those in the States, which most do, Su Presencia may someday hold a service in El Campín just like Second Baptist in Houston holds Easter services at Minute Maid park (where the Astros play). The Second Baptist annual budget is in the neighborhood of $50 million. If trends follow those in the States, a Colombian or South American Rick Warren may emerge. Senior pastor of Saddleback, Warren authored The Purpose-Driven Life (30 million copies sold) and gave Barack Obama’s inaugural invocation.

Each week they hold eight general adult services (Wednesdays, Saturdays, Sundays), four kids services, and four babies services. See their hours and locations on Su Presencia’s mapa y horario page.

The church’s main personality is Pastor Andres, born in Australia but raised in Colombia. You can read about him and Rocio on their Nuestros Pastores page. I’ve heard they have a former drug addict as a leader in the church, to help people trying to get away from that life. You can register to donate here.

Latin America is the most Catholic continent, by far, but Protestant churches are growing fast. In Arequipa I lived near a Mormon church. I know other Colombians beside Institute Director who go to Su Presencia. My Brazilian buddy in Recife called himself a Baptist. There are definite socio-economic and ethnic motivations in Latinos converting. When talking about God, many of the Latin Protestants I know employ themes of prosperity theology (which I don’t necessarily disagree with). It’s an upper class thing to be cristiano, and it makes it easier for other well-off families to get involved.

Su Presencia is too intense for me. I’m obviously not a good Christian so I don’t go to church for joy. I prefer somber and good old fashioned guilt. So if I go, I go to Catholic mass at Lourdes.

Below are pics of where people line up, the primary and secondary auditoriums (which you wouldn’t notice if you weren’t looking for it), and a cafe in the neighborhood called Peregrino’s. The neighborhood is like a Christian district. This cafe shares space with a Christian bookstore where they sell non-denominational Christian books, CDs, DVDs, etc. All the top English books in Spanish, including my hometown’s Christian face figure Joyce Meyer. The cafe broadcasts footage from Houston of megachurch Lakewood‘s Spanish services.

For easier viewing see the El Lugar de Su Presencia photo album on the Expat Chronicles Facebook page.

Read about America’s Biggest Megachurches.

Related posts:

1. Iglesia de Nuestra Señora de Lourdes
2. Chapinero in Pictures

El Lugar de Su Presencia

Alternate Title: Church and Mass in Plaza Lourdes, Chapinero, Bogota

I occasionally attend Mass at Plaza Lourdes. It’s a big beautiful church in Chapinero at Calle 63 with Carrera 13. In my opinion, it’s the most beautiful view in Bogota.

The plaza’s known for drugs and violence and gays. But inside the church it’s all about Jesus, except when armed gangs take the priest hostage as they did in 2009. Across the street is an office that pays entitlements to displaced Colombians. One day they got angry at what they thought was the government cheating them. Why they took the priest hostage I have no idea, but there was a standoff with riot police all day. I heard it wasn’t the first time something like that had happened.

My first year in Bogota I lived on Calle 61 two blocks south of Lourdes. So this was and still is my stomping ground.

Here are pics of the church. It’s been under construction since I moved to Bogota in April 2009. The scaffolding’s always been there but the metal fencing and giant crane are relatively new. You can view all my pics on the Expat Chronicles Facebook page.

Prayer

Song 

Padre Nuestro (Our Father in Spanish)

Padre nuestro,
que estás en el cielo.
Santificado sea tu nombre.
Venga tu reino.
Hágase tu voluntad en la tierra como en el cielo.
Danos hoy nuestro pan de cada día.
Perdona nuestras ofensas,
como también nosotros perdonamos a los que nos ofenden.
No nos dejes caer en tentación y líbranos del mal.
Amén.

Ave Maria (Hail Mary in Spanish)

Dios te salve, Maria.
Llena eres de gracia:
El Señor es contigo.
Bendita tú eres entre todas las mujeres.
Y bendito es el fruto de tu vientre:
Jesús.
Santa María, Madre de Dios,
ruega por nosotros pecadores,
ahora y en la hora de nuestra muerte.
Amén.

Related posts:

1. Chapinero Alto in Pictures
2. Chapinero in Pictures
3. Photo Exhibit in Bogota
4. Sorreros: How to Move in Bogota

Iglesia de Nuestra Señora de Lourdes

Alternate Title: My Official Endorsement of Enrique Peñalosa for Mayor of Bogota

Congestion in Bogota is unreal. Latin American capitals are known for chaotic traffic and poor infrastructure. Combine that with sky-high immigration to Bogota of displaced persons from Colombia’s armed conflict, and you have an amazingly crowded city.

There are almost no highways in Bogota, which is a problem in a city of 8 million. Trips across town can be depressingly slow. I soon saw I’d need a bicycle. I got a bicycle and I’ll go more into that in the upcoming Bikes, Cyclorutas, and Cycling in Bogota.

Here are some shots that illustrate the amount of available space.

That one on the right of the buses is on decima near downtown. I have to squeeze through that gauntlet when I ride my bicycle downtown, since there’s even less space on the outer sides of those two lanes. I barely fit. The sidewalk’s not an option because it’s congested with pedestrians. This illustrates how precious space is in this town – every inch matters.

In the middle shot those buses are moving. That’s a typical pedestrian buildup quickly crossing before the next wave of cars.

On the left you can see in the lower left corner the cicloruta, the dedicated bike path. I obviously couldn’t go too fast to get the camera out and snap a shot.

I never thought about space until I saw this speech, Power, Politics, Cities, given at the London School of Economics by former Bogota mayor and current candidate Enrique Peñalosa. As mayor from 1998-2001 Peñalosa effected tremendous change in Bogota, so substantial he’s recognized internationally as a top urban development expert with an emphasis in developing cities. Since then he’s worked as an urb dev consultant and Board of Directors president of the Institute for Transportation and Development Policy. For university he attended Duke in the US, IIAP in Paris, and was a visiting scholar at NYU.

Peñalosa speaks for about 40 minutes, in English and it’s worth it.

At the 6:30 point, Peñalosa starts to talk about physical space. He talks about private property vs. public property. He’ll ultimately argue that a true democracy isn’t just about voting. It also demands we take all citizens into account when allocating public space and property. This is especially important in developing cities where the upper class is tiny but control most of the wealth and resources.

Think about it. Imagine Bogota streets if you haven’t been here. Is it fair that so much of the space between private buildings be allocated allocated to cars when just over 20% own cars? Think about how much space a car with one person inside uses – as much or more than eight people. How much space per person does a crowded bus use? Closer to the pedestrian average. And someone on a bike? About the same as without, but increased mobility.

Peñalosa says a city can be friendly to people who drive cars or people who don’t drive cars. There’s simply no compromise. Space is a zero-sum game. Peñalosa is clear about advocating against car drivers. He prioritizes public transport, cycling, and walking. He adds that a good measure for any investment a city makes (new park, building, road) is this question: Does it make the city more or less pleasant to walk?

TransMilenio

Enrique Peñalosa launched Bogota’s bus rapid transit system, the TransMilenio (or ‘el TransMi‘). He took two street lanes away from cars on wide thoroughfares, dedicating them to and building a subway-like system of huge buses (read Wikipedia article on bus rapid transit). I’ve passionately cursed the TransMilenio many times for how much of a pain in the ass it can be, but it’s important on long trips. I can’t imagine the chaos before. In Bogota’s rise and fall, The Economist calls the TransMilenio “transports of crowded discomfort.” TransMilenio’s misery can’t be blamed on Peñalosa, since he’s been out of office a decade as usage has skyrocketed and government efficiency has fallen. That Economist article actually endorses Peñalosa while shaming the last corrupt piece of shit.

Even though it sucks, you have to understand the TransMilenio is good and necessary for some developing cities. Whenever I’d get pissed at it, I’d fume that the smaller Medellin has a Metro while Bogota doesn’t. But you have to realize, Medellin is a narrow city half the population of Bogota. They’re crammed inside a narrow valley so they only need one line to be convenient for most everybody. Bogota’s much bigger and sprawled in every direction. The city simply can’t afford to build a subway for all the lines it would need to cover the city. Peñalosa mentions at the 35:00 point that a subway would’ve bankrupted Bogota for thirty years.

Ciclorutas

Peñalosa also built the ciclorutas, Bogota’s Bike Path Network, which was another way  to limit public access for space-hogging cars. I recently heard another bike-riding gringo in Bogota complain about the ciclorutas, but I love them. It has nuisances, but generally I think they’re great and I’ve loved becoming a cyclist in Bogota. So much so there’s an upcoming post called Bikes and Cycling in Bogota.

Also kick ass about bike culture is Ciclovia – several thoroughfares are closed on Sundays and holidays for cyclists, joggers, rollerbladers, dog walkers, and walkers. Nobody denies it makes the city pleasant. Bogota takes it even further with No Car Day, a whole day when personal cars aren’t allowed on the streets!

Street Vendors

Upper income citizens with cars aren’t the only ones who take more than their fair share of public space. Some of the lowest income citizens, street vendors, steal space specifically in congested areas. Street vendors create bottlenecks to increase exposure to their cheap-ass trinkets. By laying out their big blanket of widgets in the sidewalk, they force pedestrians over and into the bike path in many areas.

Enrique Peñalosa put laws in place restricting street vendors in some areas (Chapinero!). He’s hated among those workers, but tough shit. It’s not easy to get mad at these poor little people doing what they do just to survive, but a city can’t have that.  I’ve heard Carrera 13 through Chapinero was unpassable pre-Peñalosa. And it’s still bad because the street vendors have returned. Check out these pics of the “bike path.”

Exhibits A, B, and C prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that street vendors steal space from pedestrians and cyclists.

One time it was a little jammed on the bike path at Calle 72 and Carrera 11, as always, and I was in a hurry as always. I had to veer off the bike path a little to avoid some pedestrians. A vendor had baseball caps laid out on a blanket. The blanket stretched all the way up to the edge of the path (sometimes vendors’ blankets enter the bike path). I veered only a little, but enough to run over the brims of the last two caps. The old man yelled, “¡Oi, papa!” But I didn’t care. Move your shit, bitch.

Trucks Prohibited

There’s currently a law to take effect soon which would prohibit big commercial truck from entering the city. Because products still need to be distributed throughout the city, there will be distribution centers located around the outskirts of town. The oversize trucks will deliver there, where product will be switched to smaller trucks which are allowed to enter the city.

My Highlights from Power, Politics, Cities

Peñalosa aligns with the Colombian left. There’s liberal ideas throughout the speech which may turn off right-wing gringos, but you have to understand that 60% of Colombia are in the bottom two social classes (of 6!). Distributing wealth and resources more equally in Latin America is important.

The poorest people live in dangerous neighborhoods far from where they work. Mobility is important in developing cities. The TransMilenio and bike paths increase accessibility for everybody.

At 13:00 minutes Peñalosa mentions how upper income car owners in developing cities, thinking they’re more important, park on sidewalks. Here’s a shot of that from Carrera 9 north of Calle 72:

This one isn’t so bad because there isn’t high pedestrian traffic and the car doesn’t completely block the sidewalk. But you often seeing cars parked sideways so pedestrians have to pass by entering the street. The Mick was so pissed at a friend for doing the same that he smacked him.

At the 15:00 mark Peñalosa says a good measure for a city is how pleasant it is for children, the elderly, handicapped, and the poor.

At 26:00 Peñalosa says low density population cities (St. Louis and most of the US) make it very expensive and almost impossible to provide low cost, high frequency public transportation. Bogota’s is almost as high as Manhattan’s. If you like life in the suburbs, this vision is not for you. And impossible for cities like Atlanta, Houston, or Los Angeles.

Throughout the video Peñalosa says city planning isn’t technical. There’s no black and white, clear cut right and wrong. City planning and urban development is political. It’s up to the people what kind of city they want to live in.

At 30:00 Peñalosa makes a MAJOR CULTURAL POINT about social class in Latin America and Southern Europe: Why are there more bicycles in the Netherlands than Spain or Italy when the weather’s much better in Spain and Italy? Spain and Italy are the primary sources of the status and social class bullshit that exists in Colombia and greater Latin America. A businessman in Spain or Italy considers himself way too important to be seen riding a bicycle, but the Dutch corporate executive jumps on an old bike like everyone else.

At 36:00 he makes a point about symbols. Building TransMilenio sent a message that public transport is more important than car owners. And later he says protected bicycle paths raise the status of cyclists. “A protected bicycle way shows that a citizen on a $30 bike is just as important as a citizen with a $30,000 car.”

At 38:00 Peñalosa paints an interesting picture. Imagine a developing city in Africa, Asia, or Latin America that allocates most of their streets for public transport and bicycles. Almost no cars. It’d be great.

I Met Enrique Peñalosa!

I’d heard Peñalosa doesn’t just talk the talk about not driving cars. He can be seen around town on his bicycle. One night I went to Zona Rosa as usual on my bicycle, which I park in the Andino garage for free. I pulled up to the bike rack and saw a tall Colombian I recognized. I’d watched the Power, Politics, Cities video at least five times by then (over ten now), and thought I recognized Enrique Peñalosa giving his ticket to the attendant.

I tapped his shoulder to turn him around and said, “Oiga vecino, creo que nos hemos conocido, no? Como es su nombre?” He looked left, then right, then quietly, almost whispering, “Enrique Peñalosa.” I immediately switched to English and started drooling all over him. I told him how much I love his ideas. I said that everything he wants in a city, I want in a city. I told him I’d watched the Power, Politics, Cities video many times and I have so much admiration for him.

He asked what I was doing in Colombia. He gave me his email address and I told him he’d win the mayoral election. He was wearing a helmet, ligas, and a flourescent vest. I was wearing a helmet, which I only wear after 6pm so the cops don’t bother me, and ligas. No flourescent vest. But I felt we were the same. I gave him a big handshake and he left.

Bogota Mayoral Race

Alvaro Uribe, the popular right-wing ex-president credited with restoring security to Colombia, recently endorsed Enrique Peñalosa. This caused a stir because Uribe’s a Liberal, but Peñalosa is in the Green Party. The endorsement caused last year’s presidential candidate Antanas Mockus to quit the Green Party.

Peñalosa is favored to win, but some surveys have shown Polo candidate Gustavo Petro leading the race. I’m sure Petro’s a great guy, but GET SERIOUS people. Peñalosa is among the top urban development managers in the world. Intelligent economists all over the world with no interest in Bogota are hoping he wins. There’s no debate. Peñalosa is the guy. Let’s just elect him and enjoy the progressive city he’d build.

Never in my life have I liked a politician so much. But watching that video, I’m like a bobblehead agreeing with everything Peñalosa says. He’s not a politician as much as he’s a visionary and top-notch urban manager.

Follow Enrique Peñalosa on Twitter.

Related posts:

1. The Theft of My Bicycle in Bogota
2. Bogota Bike Tour
3. Bogota Zombie Bums
4. Chapinero in Pictures
5. My 1st Time Tear-Gassed in Bogota

Enrique Peñalosa and Congestion in Bogota