Note: I received complimentary stays at two luxury apartments in Medellin from Poblado Rentals.
So after our honeymoon in San Andres, wifey and I stayed for a week at a luxury apartment in Medellin. I have several friends in Medellin, it’s a great city for tourism, and the weather is better than Bogota. Plus, I wanted her to get a proper tour of Colombia – everything important except Cali.
However, we didn’t really do much. Our Medellin luxury apartments were so nice, we never left. We sat around relaxing and cooking our own food.
The apartments were furnished to me in a publicity deal (which includes this article) by Poblado Rentals.
Poblado Rentals put us in Penthouse 1 for a week, seen in the video above, and we laid around for a week, doing absolutely no Medellin touristic activities. My only complaint about Penthouse 1 would be the noise. We were in the habit of going to be around 10 or 11 pm and waking around 7 or 8 am. However, that lifestyle isn’t possible this close to Parque Lleras. Maybe being close to Lleras is OK, but not close to the goddamn vallenato bar that stayed open and loud until 3 am every night.
One night we had a dinner party with my buddy Gustavo and his chick, which featured a story unpublishable on this blog but was told to newsletter subscribers (email colin at expat-chronicles dot com if you’d like to see it):
And one of our last nights we had a dinner, just the two of us:
The best part of this apartment was undoubtedly the BBQ grill. Coincidentally, Exito was selling pork ribs cut St. Louis style. Plus, Colombian chorizo and morcilla blow their Peruvian counterparts away. So I was grilling every day. Aside from the BBQ grill, all the kitchen amenities were worthy of mention. This place had everything, including some utensils I hadn’t seen since moving to Latin America. I know these kinds of kitchenwares exist in Latin America, but I hadn’t laid eyes on one nor had one in the several apartments I’ve lived:
- Potato peeler
- Can opener
- Pizza cutter
- Toaster oven
Aside from the relaxing living and cooking potential, this apartment got me thinking of the wild nights you could have in Medellin.
Check out pictures of Penthouse 1 on Facebook, or at the end of this post.
Then Poblado Rentals moved us to the “Glass Mansion” in Castropol.
In a last minute addition, the manager of Poblado Rentals moved us to the Glass Mansion, which was obscene luxury. I was in love. I invited Adriaan Alsema of Colombia Reports for dinner at this place.
Adriaan had already agreed, but I was compelled to post this picture on his Facebook profile. I could hardly believe what happened next.
He started making fun of it. Then David Lee of Medellin Living chimed in to clown it some more. It was a turkey shoot at my luxury Medellin apartment.
See the two screenshots to read all the comments.
After that little FB exchange, I realized how obvious it was that this was a sex tourist’s paradise. I mean, the place is wall-to-wall mirrors from the front door to the giant master bedroom with giant jacuzzi (the second jacuzzi). Wall-to-wall mirrors aside, look at the goddamn Greek columns – orgies anyone? How did I miss that?
My theory is that I’ve always been a typical guy, a minimalist in interior design. I had a phase when I lived with a gringa when I tried to create a smart, elegant apartment with a slight bohemian vibe. But those days are long gone.
So when I walked into this luxury Medellin apartment, I didn’t notice any of the interior design style – nothing at all. Maybe I’d make a great candidate for Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, because all I noticed were big leather couches, the glass coffee table, the big TV, the Wii, the VIEWS (see gallery below), all the rooms, the steam room, the bigness, the greatness. I was like a hyperactive dog humping everybody’s leg, but with all the luxurious things in this apartment.
Adriaan and a cute little paisa chick came over for my wifey’s Spaghetti Bolognese, which I taught her to make. I piled about a pound on my plate as per my usual. Adriaan was scared at the same quantity served to him. I’m shoveling it in my mouth, smiling, offering him beer. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I guess I’ve trained wifey to serve American sized meals. Adriaan and his chick friend weren’t able to put one plate down.
Then we hung out on the couches talking about lots of things, but the dominant subject of the night was how horrible the interior design was, how obvious it was a “narco’s wet dream” (Adriaan) and a “orgy pad” (me).
I decided to make a YouTube video talking all kinds of smack, highlighting it as an great place for cocaine orgies. Here’s that video, which actually didn’t come off as strong as I envisioned (and the sound’s a little screwy):
Unintelligible at 2:30:
Perfect stuff for laying out coke right there, lines and lines and lines, piles of it, bags and bags of it, and have a couple of fucking Colombian chicks just spread around and, whether you’re one guy two guys three guys who knows, spread em all around the fuckin house as many as you can pay for, and give em loads of this (pelvic thrusts and head humping) and beer and snorting away, switching up on ‘em … If you’re going to do that, if you’re gonna go ape like that, why not? Why not in a place like this? This is the only way to do it.
(Not mentioned: porn on all the big screens)
Before that talkin’ smack video I recorded a sterile one, in case the Poblado Rentals management didn’t want me talking all that shit (fortunately they were cool). Here’s the sterile promo video:
And this was one more video we made, the night of our dinner party:
The views were amazing – 270 degrees from Poblado. But the best thing about the Glass Mansion was the steam room and jacuzzis. Wifey kidnapped me the morning after when I was hung over and put me face down on a towel to sweat it out. Then she rubbed me with some scratchy sponge that cleanses dead skin cells. After a half hour of that treatment, my hangover was gone.
Check out the pictures of the Glass Mansion on FB or below.
Penthouse 1 Pictures