The fourth in Chuck’s series on life in China. Chinese women are often an object of intrigue to Westerners. Hopefully this piece will put to rest any of those fantasies.
Nobody is going to fuck with China in ping pong and synchronized diving. If it were an Olympic event I’d give them another medal: worst fucking women. Bad kissing, worthless conversation, absolutely no affection, horrendously flaky, bad sex – they make female Pashtun terrorists look cordial.
Chinese women come with a three-fourths flake rate. I don’t mean the ones where you get the number and they don’t return your correspondence, or where they call to back out a day or so in advance, I’m talking within plus or minus one hour of the agreed upon meeting time. Here it comes. The text message. It’s inevitable. “I can’t make it. I have something.” You do have something. It is called inconsideration.
Last night I was supposed to meet a girl at 6 in the shopping district. 6 rolls up. She doesn’t. “Oh, I’m on the way.” I busy myself until 6:30. “I am in the east and can’t get a taxi. Give me thirty minutes.”
Thirty minutes later, I call her. “Where are you?”
“At the KFC near my house.”
“So you’re not coming?”
“No, I’m sick.”
I’m going to adopt my Chilean roommate’s method for dealing with this. Cunt: “I have something.” Chilean: “Oh, okay. Then I’ll take back the iPhone I bought you as a gift.” Instant callback.
Me: “So what do you like to do for fun?”
Her: “Sleep, watch TV.”
Her: “No I just stayed in the hotel. I don’t know Zhengzhou.”
Your own fucking province and you are too scared to go outside? I don’t like Kansas City but I still get some goddamn barbecue while I’m there.
Me: “When you were young, what did you think China would be like in 20 years? Did you expect so many changes?”
Her: “Oh, I don’t know. When I was young I just wanted to get old so I could have babies.”
If a lamprey could talk it would probably say the same thing. Am I talking with the same species? Maybe not.
So glad I learned Chinese so I could understand this bullshit.
Bad kissing, bad everything
Should you survive the flaking and the conversation, congratulations! You have just entered the seventh circle of hell. There is no logical [touching -> kiss -> groping -> clothing removal -> sex] chain of progression. Intimacy with a Chinese woman is a dog fight from start to finish. In fact it is so ridiculous, such a contorted gauntlet of chicanery, that one buddy dubbed it “The Dog and Pony Show.”
You crack your knuckles and go in. “No, no, no! No, no, no!” You get a little leg, but the kiss is swatted. She doesn’t leave and looks at you intently. You regroup. In the next attack you get about an inch higher on the thigh and a peck on the cheek before being hit with cannon fire. Your trench is now ten meters closer to enemy territory. It’s going to be a long war, gents. You make a cup of tea. Come back. Dog fight, dog fight, dog fight. Check your emails. Dog fight.
It is actually easier to grab tits and puss before getting a kiss. Does this make sense? It does not.
After an hour or two, sustaining only minor injuries, you now have her naked and ready for penetration.
God awful sex
And how is one rewarded after The Dog and Pony Show? Why, with terrible sex of course. All of that previous vigor is gone. She’s become a dead log. Anything outside of missionary requires a tutorial. She won’t look you in the eye, and she’ll make that awful pain / crying / squeaking sound just like the Asian girls in pornos.
Even the prostitutes are hit and miss. On a night of boozing, the Chilean convinced me to go with him to a hotel and call in the 24 hour “massage” service. The whore I had wouldn’t allow full penetration; she put her hand down there to block it. She made a complete whine cry when I went to kiss her rather than just turn the cheek. She was startled and resisted when I grabbed her to toss her in different positions. She refused doggy style. Worse, I didn’t get off. USD 30 down the fucking drain.
If you want a decent Chinese woman you have to go to Tier 1 cities where some have been trained by foreign men. Tier 3 sucks shit, and I have no patience.
And for this, they expect to be bought a house and a car? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. If I were Chinese I would definitely be importing one from Vietnam. Or better yet, I’d trade a bag of rice for a peasant chick at the North Korean border.
So given my experience, here are my tips:
9 tips to dating Chinese women
1. Know what you’re up against
China has enforced a one child policy since 1979. This, combined with a preference for sons, has led to over 120 males for every 100 females. Many of those that made it past the abortionist’s scalpel have lost their goddamn minds in taking advantage of their sexual economic advantage.
2. Meeting them
a) Social circles: Chinese people are inherently mistrustful of strangers since everyone is considered a potential swindler (with good reason in China). Being introduced by someone known makes a big difference.
b) Language exchange partners: Some of these women are open to sex. And they’ll likely speak English. Tier 1 cities will have English-language sites to place an ad, such as The Beijinger. Sub-tier cities have their own local sites (in Chinese) with classified sections. It is acceptable to openly request a female teacher.
c) Libraries: Yes, libraries. Particularly if you have access to one at a university.
d) Lone shopkeepers: Chinese women are far more receptive when nobody is watching.
For c and d, I’d open with “What does this say?” I show them a text message in Chinese, about a movie or whatever, and act like I can’t read it.
e) Weixin: This is a cell phone application that allows you to see and communicate with others within a 1 kilometer radius. The disadvantage to this is that you won’t know what they look like right away.
If you are crazy, like my Chilean roommate was, you can steal his tactic. He would wait for a response, then immediately send a naked photo of himself (he was short, bald and hairy). All recipients would initially act repulsed. Yet after a week or so of silence a handful of them would come back with, “Hey, haven’t spoken to you in a while.” That’s when you know it’s on. He must have had sex with six or seven girls this way. Through Weixin’s “shake the phone” function, he even had some woman offer to buy him a train ticket to Xi’an for a fling.
(WARNING: Prepare to have your account suspended numerous times if you use this tactic.)
f) Dating websites: There are heaps of them. A Chinese friend recommended Jiayuan.com which I used for a while. However, the site is only in Chinese and requires a Chinese bank account to pay for access. Tier 1 cities will have English-language sites more to the point such as We Live in Beijing. Such sites basically serve as a platform for foreign men to hook up with Chinese women.
Some dating websites have required fields asking whether or not you own a car and house, your salary, and even how much is in your bank account right now.
g) Bars/clubs: This is a less feasible option outside of tier 1 cities. The last Chinese city I was in, population about 1 million (tier 3), had only three bars and most of the women there were mercenaries (not volunteers). In China only “bad girls” go to bars, thus most avoid these venues.
3. Those married or with boyfriends are fair game
Elsewhere, if a woman tells you she is married or has a boyfriend it is a polite way of blowing you off. In China it’s just water under the bridge. It just means she can’t get caught. He’s probably just a host for her parasitical house-and-car ambition.
4. Use QQ
QQ is the most popular instant messaging platform in China. Chinese people are glued to it. It is easier and more effective to get QQ numbers than phone numbers. I hate instant messaging but at least this way it I could use Google Translate if I needed it. It has an English version, QQ International.
5. Arrange day dates when possible (instead of nights)
This helps avoid the chaperone – mostly a problem outside of tier 1. I can’t tell you how many times I met up with a chick who brought along a third wheel who just sat there playing Angry Birds on her cell phone the entire time. I once bought only two tickets to a movie I knew would sell out (Transformers 3), just so the chaperone would have to leave. Instead she waited outside the theater for the entire 2+ hour movie.
Schedule something earlier when it is more likely that a chaperone is unavailable. Plus earlier dates give you more time to make it through The Dog and Pony Show (see below). Or you can bring a friend along to occupy the intruder.
6. Try not to get stood up
Chinese women will stand you up, sin verguenza. Even if you just spoke with her 15 minutes earlier and she was “on her way,” invariably, as the time comes, she will text saying that she has “something” (wo you shiqing) and can’t make it.
My Chilean roommate would respond to “wo you shiqing” with “Okay. Then I will return the iPhone I bought you as a gift.” Miraculously, her schedule is clear. Don’t answer until after an hour or so, as if you are busy returning the phone. After she calls back for the tenth time, you’re back on.
7. If you can’t speak Chinese and she doesn’t speak English
In some cities I’ve seen coffee shops that have computers at the table with access to the internet and Google Translate. I’ve also seen cell phone applications that translate spoken words into Chinese, and the converse.
8. Bonus ploy: the open house date
After a while I got tired of girls asking about my salary and saying that I needed to buy them a house and a car (sometimes during the first date), so I devised a scheme to bait their gold digging tendencies. Unfortunately, I only thought of it at the end of my stint in China and never got a chance to try it.
When you have a specimen for experimentation, tell her that you are looking to buy a flat in China but that you don’t know anything about Chinese real estate. Ask her if she’ll accompany you to go look at a place. Pick a newly constructed luxury place in a posh district. Memorize vocabulary about plumbing and feng shui. Sell it further by saying things like, “Wouldn’t it be nice to go walking in that park next door after work?” My guess is that the chick will be delighted and the panties will drop.
9. The Dog and Pony Show
When you get one back to your house or hotel room, it is time to take one out of Colin’s playbook and “bulldoze the bitch.” There is no other way about it. But in China, it will be a two-hour dogfight.
You go in, get a thigh with your hand but the kiss is swatted. “No, no, no,” she says, but still sits there. On the next assault you almost get boobs. “Don’t touch me.” Still doesn’t leave. Make some tea. Come back. Dogfight. Check your emails. Dogfight. Incrementally, and with much persistence and frustration, you’ll finally get her stripped and ready to go.
My best advice on dating mainland Chinese women: DON’T! Go to the Philippines instead. As for me, I’m quite happy to be back at home sweet home, the good ol’ US of A – the land of normal, consensual sex.