Contributed Story: Private Man’s Vasectomy Venture

Posted on 09. May, 2012 by in contributed stories

This story is from Private Man, a fellow Evil Patriarchy blogger:

I got a vasectomy. I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but a selfish streak raised red flags. She was 32 and I could HEAR her biological clock ticking. But she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and always used a condom. She assumed the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We dated for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her, it was a carefully-planned series of life-changing events.

At four months, I got the “I’m pregnant” talk. She’s going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we need to think about getting married “for the baby.” She’s positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she’s gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her 7 lb annuity.

At this point, I’m just as giddy because I get to pull the reverse “OOPS” on her. She slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. So I waited a couple days to “think about all this.”

We met again. I said I don’t want kids and she should have an abortion. She went batshit insane, insulting my manhood and threatening legal action. It was ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

I let her stew for a few days. She left nasty messages on my phone. She sent awful emails. I laughed hysterically with each one.

While she was stewing, I was busy. First I got a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I got a notarized copy of TWO test results indicating a “negative test result for sperm” to show I’m shooting blanks.

Finally, I got a letter from a shark attorney stating he’s seen the documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. The letter also states that we will insist on DNA testing to show the baby is not mine.

I met her at her place. I brought flowers and jewelry to show I was willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also had the documents in my pocket.

She got all giddy again. Her plan was going perfectly – or so she thought. We talked about our future. We had good sex. Then, as I was about to walk out the door, I asked her the $64,000 question. “Are you sure the baby is mine?”

She went batshit insane again – screaming. How dare I question her morals? Do I think she’s a slut? I’m just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities… blah, blah, blah.

I wasn’t mad, but embarrassed for her. Since she wouldn’t shut up and the neighbors could hear everything, I asked her to step back inside and sit down. She sat on the sofa and calmed down. She glared at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thought she had me trapped, 100% convinced her plan had worked.

I reached into my pocket and produced three pieces of paper, unfolding them slowly and deliberately.

I told her, “You’re screwed.” Her look didn’t change. I continued, “I am sterile.”

Her look changed. Something began to sink in. She reverted to women’s logic. “You’re full of shit. You’re trapped and you know it.”

I held up the letter and test results. “Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine.”

She wasn’t swayed by logic and clear documentation. “Bullshit, those are fakes.”

I was ready. “No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It’s a simple letter that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support, then I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine.”

I gave her all the documents. With each passing second of her reading, she realized she made a big mistake. She started to cry – a small cry at first. Then it became deeper and more painful. By the time she got to the lawyer’s letter she was sobbing.

I walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue: I never heard from her again, but I did hear through friends that she had the baby. I also heard the real father was some guy in a band. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me.

Moral of the Story: Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

See Private Man’s blog.

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20 Responses to “Contributed Story: Private Man’s Vasectomy Venture”

  1. Transmillenium

    09. May, 2012

    Is this fiction?

  2. Colin

    10. May, 2012

    Transmillenium – I didn’t write it and it didn’t happen to me. But Private Man told me the story without the intent of me publishing it, so I’m inclined to believe it. I asked him if I could publish it.

  3. Anonymous

    10. May, 2012

    fiction – this story has floated around the interwebs for some time.

    good story though in general

  4. Mark

    10. May, 2012

    hahahaha, should be mandatory reading for every Irishman I’ve ever met in Colombia.

  5. Antoine

    10. May, 2012

    I know someone who got nailed by his wife while he was abroad for a few years living in North America.. she told him a silly story of how she fell in love with the baby of of a poor dying grandmother whose daughter died during labor. Suddenly, after a few weeks the lady died and the baby was adopted by this guy’s wife…(the dumbass got owned)this happened in Colombia and is 100% real.
    That being said, I believe that this vasectomy situation could easily happen to anyone. I’m also pretty sure this so called “fiction” is the reality for many locals and gringos in Latin America…

  6. Transmillenium

    10. May, 2012

    @Collin I ask it because it’s amazing! He got out off it without going to the Judge.

    Here in Colombia, when you have a “Union Marital de Hecho” and the woman gets pregnant, and you know it’s not yours, the law assumes it’s yours because she was impregnated during your relationship (also applies to Marriage) so if you don’t want to pay alimony, you have to probe with DNA that he’s not yours (Decreto 1260/1970).

    The charge of the proof it’s on your shoulders to avoid the responsability that doesn’t belong to you. I assume its not so different in the US (here in Colombia we like to copy their laws, and everything else).

  7. Colin

    10. May, 2012

    Antoine and Transmillenium – you’d both LOVE Sperm Wars by Robin Baker. Among other enlightening stats, the most memorable was that 15% of children aren’t the offspring of their supposed “father” / husband of the family.

  8. Bronan the Barbarian!

    10. May, 2012

    Nope, this story really happened. The story has been floating around the internet for a while (even made it to the Best of Craigslist) but it’s legit. Ask Private Man.

  9. Dave

    10. May, 2012

    So if this story is true, in which country did it happen?

  10. Robert Jorge

    10. May, 2012

    It happens. Ask my ex-wife. I learned she was prego when I was served divorce papers. When my attorney asked for a paternity test before a divorce, she amazingly had an abortion. I am sure her family in Villavicencio would be thrilled to know the truth.

  11. Colin

    11. May, 2012

    Dave – this is one story that doesn’t have anything to do with my expat theme. Private Man is a gringo in South Florida, where this girl still lives.

    Robert – that’s hilarious!

  12. Rubio

    31. May, 2012

    Colin, I’m glad you finally read the book.. and that’s 30%, not 15!!!!!

    I have a lot of similar stories to tell…. but they are way too current and some even involve people that could possibly know people who would read this…

  13. allencraig

    04. Jun, 2012

    Wait, the woman is NOT Colombian? Because this kind of lying bullshit is what I’ve come to expect from all Colombianas. As this idea has settled in during the last two or three months I’ve become very sad. You simply cannot trust a Colombian woman.

    Nor women from South Florida it seems.

  14. Rawley

    12. Jun, 2012

    Colombianas can certainly be frauds Alan, I wouldn’t argue with you there. But I think its less to do about Colombian women in specific and maybe more to do with Colombian women who are willing or aiming to fuck older American or Euro men. When you see a guy who is 50 or 60 with a 20 year old, I mean what do you expect? She gets security, he gets arm candy..its mutually beneficial as an arrangement..but it might not be “true” love for both parties.

    Then you have to take into account the younger super beta male, overly sensitive doormat type guy who treats his Colombiana like rare gold and gives her too much respect causing her to resent his behavior thus losing respect and cheating on him. This happens in all cultures I do believe, might just happen quicker down there when the girls are completely confused on how a man could ever treat them like this.

  15. Transmillenium

    04. Jul, 2012

    Do you [all the readers here] recommend getting a vasectomy?

  16. Colin

    04. Jul, 2012

    Transmillenium – GOOD GOD MAN, don’t you want kids SOMEDAY?

  17. Transmillenium

    04. Jul, 2012

    Hahaha I don’t know If I really want to have kids. First, I have a congenital disease. The same one that kept my dad on dialysis for several years and almost killed him in the transplant.

    Second, I fucked a girl I met in the Transmilenio without using a condom and I know she wasn’t on the pill (like most colombianas who are illiterate about contraception methods). I didn’t see her again, but one day I knew she was pregnant. Silly, but I first thought it was my fault and not hers of being a slut. Luckily It was the last option, I don’t want to repeat the same story of my dad.

    Third, Last year I suffered of Hematospermia (blood in the semen). This hematospermia besides causing me to ejaculate semen with scarlet red blood, It caused me to be almost sterile with a very low sperm count (espermograma was that exam), and the living ones were death or motionless. I went to the Nefrologist and Urologist and the problem seemed to persist even after taking many pills and even having practiced a prostate exam (but with a tube camera not the doctor’s fingers, as is commonly practiced). It wasn’t that bad as is usually thought, I didn’t feel raped I just was making a good use of my EPS.

    So, my bloody semen didn’t want to get better, I know the effects (legal and economical) of an uplanned baby, especially to a young single man who wants to be succesful and a “player” and I don’t want my bad genes to be passed. I consulted with my urologist about the vasectomy, the EPS seems to cover it, If not, it’s very cheap. It was like a genetic suicide. I was thinking about it.

    Happily my bloody semen was cured. But I’m still think sometimes about it.

  18. Rawley

    04. Jul, 2012

    Jesus dude, bloody sperm? Congenital illnesses? Yeah go ahead and get the Vasectomy bro haha

  19. Boy Toy (Thomas)

    16. Mar, 2013

    HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!!
    Thats a nice one! Reminds me of this other story of a girl that gives a guy a blowjob, then she becomes mad at him and accuses him of rape… but he has one thing that saves him.. and he decides to draw it out and show it in court:
    http://www.boytoystory.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/1493.png

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