Contributed Story: My Last Pint in Ireland

Posted on 22. Sep, 2009 by in beyond LatAm, contributed stories

This story was contributed by Joey, an American travelling through Europe:

I planned to stay only two days in Ireland, but I fell in love and spent two weeks seeing Dublin, Howth, Galway, and Doolin. My last night I got wasted with two American travelers in Ennis.

After eating, we met up with two local girls. They were drinking Bulmers by a newly built bridge, which I guess is enough excite the locals in a town that small. We shot the shit until the girls led the way to get our drink on.

After a round at a pub, we went to a dance club. I disappeared from the group to scope out the talent. When I got back to our table Maz had some drunk Irishman in his face, a classic ginger who looked like he could put up a good fight. Apparently, the guy’s problem was that Maz had ordered a “black and tan.”

The Irishman said, “You Yanks are lucky because if you were a Brit and ordered that drink we would fucking kill you”. A Black and Tan is a beer of 1/2 Guinness, 1/2 Bass or Harp’s. Because it’s thicker, the Guinness sits on top. Supposedly a harmless drink unless you’re in Ireland.

I couldn’t follow the history lesson well because I kept looking over my back at all the Micks staring at us. But I did gather that “Black and Tans” were the English soldiers who enforced English law in Ireland in the 1920s. This Ginger’s great-grandfather lived through it and the story is still passed down. The Black and Tans raped the women and burned the towns of those who opposed English rule. They wore black and tan uniforms, hence their nickname. I felt sorry for this Mick, nearly in tears when he finished his story. Maz apologized.

Maz, Isaac, the girls, and I went back to the dance club. The girls started dancing and wanted us to join. Isaac started doing every move in the book: the lawn mover, the pizza toss, the dice toss, and more. Everyone was laughing. Maz was scheming on the one he wanted, but his plan failed because he kept disappearing with one or the other and they caught on.

One of them, Laura, told me she smoked weed. I asked her to smoke with me when the bar closed. We all straggled out. Maz and Laura got in a cab but before it left, Laura called out to ask if I wanted to smoke a spliff. I got in. The cab dropped us off at Laura’s apartment. Maz may have been sarcastic in saying, “Thanks for coming. I didn’t want to walk home alone.”

At Laura’s disaster of an apartment, she pulled out a bag of ganja. We sat on her bed as she rolled a spliff. She passed to me and I hit it. After exhaling I noticed it tasted like tobacco. I remembered a spliff is a mix of weed and tobacco. She said everyone smokes like that over here. Anyone who doesn’t is crazy because pure weed would really fuck you up. I thought that was the point?

While we were smoking the second one Maz looked at me like, “let’s tag-team this broad.” We started kissing her neck while she was smoking. She laughed. I was kissing her neck and rubbing her tits. We made it down to her pants when she stopped us and said that she wasn’t with the gang bang. We laughed and said “we were just having fun,” and went back to what we were doing. I started making out with her while Maz fondled her tits. She stopped us again and explained to Maz, “I like you, but not that way. Just as a friend.” Then she looked at me and said, “I like you and think you’re cute and …”

It was awkward as Maz said goodbye. I could read his face: “you fucking cocksucker.” I felt bad but knew it’d be the last time we see each other anyway. I saw him creep behind the back and peep through the window. I laughed but didn’t say anything. Laura turned the lights off.

We made out, I nibbled her ear, and rubbed her tits while she moaned. As I was kissing and sucking her nipples I unbuttoned her jeans. I pulled off her jeans and her thong went too. I kissed around her thighs.

She asked me to take it slow because she hadn’t been laid in a while. I decided to start in missionary. Once inside, she wouldn’t spread her legs. I asked, “Baby is there something wrong? This is going to work if you don’t relax.” She said she was nervous, so I went back to more kissing.

Frustrated, I had her turn around. When all else fails, go doggy. She simply turned over, instead of arching her back with face down and ass up. I laughed. This was fucking horrible. I kept telling her to arch her back with her ass up in the air and her face down, but she kept going the opposite way. I flipped her back over and went to missionary. This time she was a little more relaxed. By that point I didn’t care about her; I just got mine. Then I rolled over and passed out.

The next morning she asked me to fuck her again. I told her some bullshit excuse because I wasn’t about to go through that shit again. I said my goodbye and told her I’d call if I were back in town before I left Europe. Good night!


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3 Responses to “Contributed Story: My Last Pint in Ireland”

  1. Colin

    22. Sep, 2009

    A Black & Tan is common beer in the States for posers who’ve just graduated from amateurs to novice drinkers. Someday Maz will move up from the minors and drink one of each beers if he wants to have a taste of both.

    As an Irish American former bartender, even I didn’t know that Guinness & Harp’s Black & Tans weren’t consumed in Ireland. I also didn’t know Black & Tans were the American equivalent of “Redcoats,” but much more recent of a term.

  2. surrounded by water

    23. Sep, 2009

    The sea, oh the sea is the gradh geal mo croide
    Long may it stay between England and me
    It’s a sure guarantee that some hour we’ll be free
    Oh! thank God we’re surrounded by water

  3. Jimmy Huero

    15. Dec, 2009

    All the Spuds here in San Francisco drink Budweiser. So do the Mexicans. The Irish pronounce “Bud” as “Bood”.

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